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Pope Benedict XVI Visits Britain

Most Popular

September 18, 2010

The former Hitler Youth member has been gracing the UK with his un-holy presence for three days now.

“When he walks around we have noticed strange things happening. Like some of the birds will drop out of the trees stone cold dead. Animals whimper in his presence and especially the children. Oh my lord the poor children. When the Pope is around the look of fear in their poor eyes is terrible. It’s as if they all know something we do not,” Keith Robertson, chief supervisor for the Pope’s UK visit told the Telegraph.

It is rumoured that Pope Benedict has a penchant for spending days in the catacombs and crypts hidden underneath the Vatican where daily clandestine rituals take place.

He is rarely seen outside in public, but when he is, he scares people with his diabolical grin and sinister stare.

The many children and goats that are ferried into Vatican City every week are never seen again and people are slowly beginning to wonder what is going on.

Visitors to the Vatican catacombs are usually distinguished members of the hierarchy and have included Tony Blair, Franco Zeffirelli, Queen Elizabeth, George W Bush, the late Michael Jackson, Alan Greenspan as well as old hands like Henry Kissinger and Satan.

A child recoils in terror in the Pope’s presence

Speaking at a Hyde Park vigil of prayer, the Pope said: “I urge you all to embrace the Catholic Church. I have said sorry for the abuse at the hands of Catholic priests, please let us forget about all that for now. I am so sorry that they got caught. Now, let’s all carry on as if nothing ever happened.”

On Friday, the Pope visited Westminster cathedral, where it was reported that he inspected the choir to see if they were up to the same standard as his boys back in Rome.

XDreamShaper_v5_evil_pope_beckoning_black_children_1 — Pope Benedict XVI hypnotizes an African boy during a Catholic ritual

The Holy See was at first apprehensive for the Pope to travel to Britain but eventually allayed their fears and went ahead with the special visit.”We at first were rather reluctant for the trip to go ahead. There were issues like the Third World status of Britain. Also, the issues of people who are actually aware of what we are doing and how we operate. This is wholly unacceptable, we need our followers to follow us blindly and without question,” the Pope said.

Sarkozy Cursed by Gypsies

World

by William Myers

September 16, 2010

Rabbi Chaim Shalott, has told of the grievous harm this gypsy curse has inflicted on the ailing Sarkozy: “He is a broken man. This gypsy curse has not only reduced his confidence but it has also reduced his already shrivelled genitals to an even more wilted state. We have tried every cure in the book, but he has a curse on him and I don’t think he’s going to pull through it. But please, don’t tell him that, OK?”

‘Reichsangehöriger‘

Since receiving the curse after the mass expulsions of Roma gypsies last week, the president was nowhere to be seen and was not even in attendance at the Elysee palace.

“Carla has tried to help him, but her schedule with other men is very hectic so even when she can fit little Nicolas into her time slot, she stays about 20 feet away from him because she thinks that gypsy curses are contagious,” a palace aide told Le Figaro.

There are fears for France as a nation as well. How can a country function properly with a midget imbecile as their head who now has a gypsy curse on his soul?

Justice Minister Michele Alliot-Marie told the Senate on Thursday that because of the grave nature of the curse on president Sarkozy there may have to be emergency measures wherein the president would be required to step down and an immediate election be held for the sake of France.

Tea Party Don't Like Coffee Much

World

by William Myers

September 16, 2010

“It’s all down to our hatred of coffee. If we even see one of those coffee selling outlets that are f*cking everywhere, we go ‘yeuch!’ it’s absolutely disgusting. Like the colour of dirt brown, and the smell makes me want to barf. It ain’t like a good cup of tea that’s for sure. Maybe a nice Darjeeling or Ceylon,” Arthur O’Connelly, a Tea Party organiser told CNN after his candidate won the primaries in La Junta, Colorado.

“You can’t feed your family on ‘Hope’ or coffee for that matter, can you?” another Tea Party supporter told Fox News.

All over America there has been a mass rejection of coffee and an embracing of the golden refreshing cup of chai.

“America needs strength in leadership, decisiveness, and most of all a strong cup of f*cking tea. Barack Obama is about as weak as a cup of lukewarm dirty dishwater coffee. We Americans don’t want that. Besides, when was the last time you drank a good cup of tea made by socialist? Exactly!” Mr O’Connelly added.

Gazza Saved Rooney Marriage

Sports

by William Myers

September 15, 2010

The standoff between Wayne Rooney and his wife Coleen followed a crazy Tuesday in the couple’s Cheshire mock Tudor mansion, dubbed ‘Waynesor Castle’ – when fellow footballer Gazza got involved in the marital fracas.

The former England football hero turned up at the couples mansion claiming to be
a pal of serial prostitute user “Rooney” and bringing him lager and chicken.

Earlier there had been a bizarre mood as news spread that Rooney had finally been
cornered near the tennis courts – with paparazzi thronging the streets to see
what was going on.

The air of unreality was capped when Paul Gascoigne suddenly turned up
claiming to be “good friends” with the Manchester United striker.

Ex-Newcastle United hero Gazza, 43, arrived at the mansion gates asking to be
let through to speak to “Wayney” and clutching a dressing gown and a fishing
rod.

Gascoigne – who had apparently come by taxi from Newcastle – said he had
brought the distraught Rooney a “can of lager, some chicken, a mobile phone and
something to keep warm”. The former football star even had a toy parrot on his shoulder who he confided in every few minutes.

He told Tyneside’s Metro Radio: “He is willing to give in to Coleen now. I just want to
give him some therapy and say. ‘Come on Wayne, it’s Gazza’.”

Gascoigne, who appeared to be drunk out of his mind, claimed to know Rooney from his days as an England footballer.

He added: “He is all right – simple as that and I am willing to help him. I
have come all the way from Newcastle to Cheshire to find him.

“I’m risking my own life to make sure he is all right.”

Gascoigne also told Real Radio North East: “I heard he was by a pond, and I
brought my fishing rod too so we can fish together and have a chat. I want
to talk to him because I think I’m the only man to help him.

“All he wants to do is surrender his wallet to the old bag. I knew he’s a good lad.

“All I want to shout is ‘Wayney, it’s Gazza’ and I guarantee me and him could
sit and chat. I would say, ‘Why don’t you just leave the prostitutes, throw them in
the pond? Coleen’s not going to kill you’.”

He added: “He was like a gentleman – those whores must have wound him up. Showing off their tits and arses, it obviously was about 50 or 60 moments of madness.

“He’s a lovely bloke, I think he is frightened. All he wants to do is
surrender. I know he’s a good lad.”

Radio reporter Kate Adie said: “Gazza said he desperately wanted to help
his friend out. He said when he heard what was going on he and his parrot jumped straight
in a taxi to help.”

Manchester United manager, Alex Ferguson, was yesterday praising Gazza’s heroism: “If he wasn’t as drunk all the time, I’d sign him up tomorrow. We need selfless, heroic players like him in our team.”

Jamie Cullum Lost?

Entertainment

by William Myers

September 14, 2010

The pint sized pop star, Jamie Cullum, was last seen by his wife, the 5′ 11″ model-turned-TV-chef, Sophie Dahl on Monday night.

“We were just getting ready for bed and one minute he was there, the next he was gone. I checked the sheets and even under the bed. Where could he have gone?” a visibly upset Ms Dahl said whilst being comforted by friends.

After a frantic search of the bedroom at the exclusive Belgravia apartment, Ms Dahl called the police, who attended the scene and searched the whole flat to no avail. The police are appealing to the public for any information leading to the whereabouts of Mr Cullum.

There is, however, some good news for the couple. Sophie Dahl is expecting her first child after a surprise pregnancy test revealed the joyful news.

"How’d Ya Like Your Brains? Scrambled or Over Easy?"

World

by William Myers

September 13, 2010

"How’d Ya Like Your Brains? Scrambled or Over Easy?"

Enos Johnsons, 45, recently started the new Shotgun Breakfast craze, which is now raging through the state of Kentucky. His wife served him up some cold eggs for breakfast so he thought he’d serve up some of her cold brains on the sideboard with his 12-bore.

Sheriff Elrod Cooter for Kentucky State Police said: “It’s a new craze going around called a Shotgun Breakfast. Last week we had one guy who’s wife burnt his toast in the morning. Well, he shot up the whole trailer park and killed 23. Just yesterday down in Cheyenne Creek, one man’s wife blew off her husband’s nutsack because he forget to buy some more booze that morning. Folks, looks like we gots us an epidemic here!”

Professor Jed Pitchfork of the University of Kentucky has several theories on the series of Shotgun Breakfast rampages which are sweeping the county: “Bad moonshine. I say we gots us some bad moonshine in the state and it’s affecting people. I’m currently conducting some more scientific experiments on the latest batch of moonshine doing the rounds, and I gots to say it some goo-o-o-d shieeeeet!”

Simon Cowell Needs 'Raw Sewage Injections' to Keep on Top of Workload

Entertainment

by William Myers

September 12, 2010

Simon Cowell Needs 'Raw Sewage Injections' to Keep on Top of Workload

“It’s hard work being a malignant tumour on the face of the entertainment industry. Sometimes I run out of the sh*t flowing through my body. You may find that incomprehensible, but I need a daily injection of raw faeces into my veins so I can carry on polluting the world’s media and exploiting talentless nobodies for huge profit. My evil plan is to saturate the global media with so much banal talentless sh*t that human evolution will be reversed permanently, I think it’s worked, don’t you? The talentless c*nts who are judging these monstrous exploitative shows ensure that there will not be any talent in the globe for the next 40 years. Thanks to my evil plan, I have singlehandedly ruined the global entertainment media with my malevolent rancorous excreta,” Mr Cowell said from his Bahamas mansion.

Indeed, Mr Cowell’s assault on all forms of musical talent and creativity has reduced the entertainment world to the level of a morose banal karaoke autotune addicted shit-festival toilet where moronic putrefying idiots are hoodwinked into thinking they are ‘talented’.

Mr Cowell said from his sun lounge: “I have a doctor who comes over once a day, they give you these pure sewage injections — but they’re like six inches long and it takes about 30 minutes and it is ecstasy!

“Raw faeces, urine, vomit, it does help – it lasts for 24 hours and then you just collapse and then you have another one!”

Six-Year-Old Girl to Burn ‘My Pet Goat’ Book at Ground Zero on September 11

World

by William Myers

September 11, 2010

Six-Year-Old Girl to Burn ‘My Pet Goat’ Book at Ground Zero on September 11

“Georgie was reading ‘My Pet Goat’ while Americans were jumping to their deaths from the WTC. He didn’t seem bothered much when one of his agents came and told him that the WTC was under attack. He just carried on as if nothing was happening. They didn’t even scramble one jet that day,” Judie Belcher, 6, said in front of her first grade class.

This is why at 3pm (EDT), the little six-year-old is going to ceremonially attend the book burning of ‘My Pet Goat’ at the 911 Ground Zero site. She and her classmates have been flown in from the Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota County especially for the book burning occasion.

Remote control

“It’s like those WTC buildings were demolished from the inside. It was a controlled demo. Like also, what happened to the 757 that smacked into the Pentagon? They didn’t even find a wing over there, and there was a tiny hole like some kind of missile entered and smashed through 40 layers of reinforced concrete and steel. Who has that kind of technology? Dumbfuck towelheads sure don’t,” another pupil said.

Whilst the religious zealots fight amongst themselves at Ground Zero, those who really perpetrated the atrocity are happy the blame has been completely shifted to Islam; a useful bogeyman since the demise of the Cold War.

Collateral damage

“I read the Project for the New American Century’s Rebuilding America’s Defenses: Strategies, Forces, and Resources For a New Century piece written in September 2000, it said they needed a new Pearl Harbor to rouse the American people so they could go to war again. Well, bang, September 11 2001 happened, and catch an Arab by his toe, we went to goddamn war thanks to Bush Jnr,” Billy Batts, 8, from the same school told his class during the plane trip up to New York.

At least someone is asking questions. Could it be that some first grade students in America have more insight than most of the ridiculously brainwashed jingoistic moronic adults aping around the country and airwaves waving their nonsensical religious books around?

Africans Refusing Clothing From America

World

by William Myers

September 9, 2010

You would have thought that Africans would be happy to receive aid from America, but unfortunately, this vast continent is tired of American hand-me-downs, especially when it comes to clothes.

“I don’t know anyone in Africa who has a 65 inch waist. This is ridiculous, we can make tents out of this shit.

“Those fat fuck slothful fast-food guzzling greed-driven Americans are sending us clothes that we can’t possibly ever wear.

“They have plundered the earth’s resources for their wasteful culture of gluttony while the rest of the world is left with nothing,” Albert Kinoko, Rural Minister of Agriculture in Kinshasa told the BBC.

Every day, over 500 tonnes of outsized clothing is dumped in African countries. America has the highest levels of obesity in the world, with 89% of the country being clinically obese; a stark contrast to any other part of the world.

SUPER SIZE – Unfortunately outsize clothing is not the only other unwelcome American export in the world.

The story is the same across the whole of Africa. There are now surplus mounds of American clothes dumped across Africa from the Cape of Good Hope to Nigeria.

“We have found an ingenious way to deal with the problem. If we receive one American’s jeans, we cut up the material and we can usually make clothes for five or six people, or even a tent that can house ten people,” a resourceful aid worker for Médecins Sans Frontières revealed.

Spaniards to Build Hotels Without Balconies For Brits on Holiday

World

by William Myers

September 7, 2010

Spaniards to Build Hotels Without Balconies For Brits on Holiday

“This is a terrible disappointment. How the hell are we meant to have fun on holiday if we can’t jump from balconies or hang off them whilst being completely pissed out of our heads on cheap booze?” Lee Anderton, 21, from Blackburn told the Sun newspaper.

In Britain, many holidaymakers were angry about the new Spanish directive to ban balconies in all hotels.

“We’ve already booked our holiday in Benidorm and now we’re going to fookin’ lose out, innit. I paid £70 for a three week holiday and I want my bloody money back. What’s the point without fookin’ balconies. It’s tekkin’ all the fun out of it. Cheap booze and balcony jumping, I paid my money, innit? I’ll have to go to Portugal or summat,” Billy Cragger, 27, from Leeds told the Mirror.

This year has been a bumper year for the Brits on holiday with over 89 fatalities from balcony jumping, and 234 Brits paralysed from the neck down.

Carlos Endemol, Minister of Tourism in Andalucia said: “We are trying to cater to the British people who are so drunk all the time that they fall of balconies and jump off them, but the clean up operations are getting too costly for us. Frankly we are fed up of scraping British brains off concrete. This is why the new laws I am implementing within our province will require all hotel chains to remove their balconies and new construction to also adhere to these updated planning rules.”