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Socialist BBC Deny Being Partial to Partiality

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“The Left Wing BBC are about as impartial as a Ku Klux Klan member at a Hip Hop festival,” Bernard Fenster, 46,  a TV viewer from Lancashire told a BBC reporter, before being heavily edited out of a so-called documentary about ‘impartiality’ to be aired next month.

This is the reality of the situation, the BBC is in damage control after 13 long years of being a lackey to the Socialist Labour government who have now saddled the UK with £6 trillion worth of debt payments and a country in utter turmoil.

Biased

“It has been very hard for the BBC to adjust to the new coalition government because they are not socialist commie shitstains on a mission to collectivize everything in sight. Well, at least, not yet anyway. Seriously, anyone’s better than the previous Labour government. For too long, the BBC has been wallowing in the waste of Labour’s gluttony and fleecing the public out of huge sums of taxpayers cash to subsidise their huge pensions and utterly wasteful spending sprees. The holiday is over for them, and now that all the money is gone, they’re up sh*t creek without a paddle, or even without a boat. Whilst they were doling out Labour’s propaganda for so long, they forgot that there are other sections of the public in the UK and not everyone is a brainwashed socialist taxpayer funded bureaucratic bum on the make,” another TV viewer from London, Jason Bingham, 32, disclosed to the Mirror newspaper before being heavily edited out of the article.

Now that the champagne socialists are in opposition, there is a new era dawning for the BBC.

“We’ve still got Ed Militant, he’s as red as they come and he’s heading up Labour now. You should have seen how we gave him all that spectacular coverage and perked up when he won the leadership contest against his coward sibling,” Morris Toynbee, a BBC political commentator reported during an ‘impartial’ BBC news broadcast aired on Tuesday.

EU Riots Hit by Austerity Bill

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“We are urging EU
countries to only riot four days a week. This will give the authorities
time to rebuild the ruins so that the rioting can commence again the
week after,” Julio Asspierre, EU Commissioner for Rioting announced on
Wednesday.

At the moment Greece, Portugal and Spain are in full riot mode and Italy is just getting ready for a major riot for the weekend.

“It’s
physically exhausting. Just as one riot ends another one begins, so
we’re asking for austerity measures on the riots themselves,” Mr
Asspierre added.

The
riots are being precipitated by austerity measures on the respective
economies of EU countries and the riots have now been hit themselves by
austerity measures.

“Many
people are now confused about the austerity packages and simply riot to
get it out of their minds,” Gilles Villespanner, another unelected EU
bureaucrat told French newspaper, Le Figaro.

When Facebook Crashed Phone Networks Jammed

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“We noticed a massive hike in call volume. This was because Facebook was down for maintenance and people had to update their friends on what they were doing by telephone.,” Archie Seymour, head of operations for AT&T reported.

Reggie Cornholio, 26, a resident of Las Vegas, who is an avid Facebook user said: “I had to call all of my 342 Facebook friends and give them a manual telephone update of what I had done in the half hour that Facebook was down. It took me over four hours to call everyone and tell them that I had just gone to the gym and was going to sit down and watch an episode of CSI.”

Luckily for the distraught Facebook users, the outage only lasted for half-an-hour and as soon as the networking site was back up and running, there were sighs of relief all around.

“I have to admit that I cried like a baby when I fired up Facebook on my computer and it blinked up on the screen again. It was like an old friend I had lost for thirty years. I immediately made about 15 updates and once again the world was an OK place to be in,” Mr Cornholio added.

Hillary Clinton to Star in Italian Horror Movie

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“Hillary Clinton scares the living shit out of me when I look at her. Just looking at her demonic manifestation and her reptile eyes makes my skin crawl. I had to cast her for the movie and luckily she accepted, because frankly she’s bored with this Obama doofus who is a loser on a grand scale. She can’t stand being second fiddle to him,” director, Dario Argento told Horror Week, whilst shooting the movie’s intro scenes in Milan.

The plot of the movie is a well kept secret, but Mr Argento has revealed that his leading lady, Mrs Clinton, will play a ‘shapeshifter’ who infiltrates a political party and becomes a high ranking politician.

“I know this storyline has been flogged to death already, but let me tell you my horror fans, this time it will be different and you shall be scared out of your fucking skin. Oh mio Dio! I am a seasoned horror fan myself but after watching Hillary in real life, I was so scared that a little of my hair went white instantly. She’s the real deal,” Mr Argento revealed.

The director is said to be fascinated by the many faces of Hillary Clinton.

Filming of Demons VI is scheduled to finish by July of next year and Hillary Clinton will make regular flights to Italy to film her scenes as well as continue her job as Secretary of State to the United States. The White House has given full clearance for the film as has the Pentagon.

Labour Party Actually Elects a Leader

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In a move that astounded political commentators, the Labour party has actually elected a leader.

“This is absolutely incredible news,” the disgraced former unelected leader of the Labour party, Gordon Brown, told the Labour party conference in Manchester before being whisked away back to his dacha in Scotland.

To mass applause from the delegates, Ed Militant, a boy, barely out of his nappies and holding staunch Marxist leanings, was elected by the Red party to succeed the deposed, shameful previous leader, Gordon Brown.

“We thought we’d try elections out a bit. Usually we shun such ‘democratic’ bits of nonsense in our party, but why not? Sometimes, even we go a little wild,” a senior party member told the Red Times.

When the result of the leadership contest was finally announced today, there was a wry smile from senior Commissar Balls, after his mortal enemy David Militant had been so cruelly crushed by the ruthless voting.

The Tories, as well, were jubilant at the news of Ed Miltant’s leadership; a spokesman from Tory HQ said: “We won’t see Labour for a very, very long time now. They’ll be stuck in the political wilderness for decades to come. This is like a gift from God. We can’t f*ck this up now can we? Can we?”

MI6 to Train Agents How to Get Out of Sports Bags

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“If Houdini could do it, or who’s that American moron? Yes, David Blaine. If they can get out of dastardly predicaments, then our agents surely can do it too,” Sir John Sawers, head of MI6 told a secret hearing published on Facebook on Friday.

The new training initiative comes after the tragic death of a talented MI6 agent who couldn’t get out of a sports bag after zipping himself inside it.

Special agent Q, who deals with equipping and training all agents on and off the field has asked for all agents to be issued with a pen knife.

“Let’s say one of our agents is zipped up in a sports bag. Well, this useful piece of equipment, which we have sourced all the way from Switzerland, should do the trick. It’s called a Swiss Army knife and it can save your life if you’re stuck in a zipped up sports bag which has been padlocked from the inside. All you need to do is cut a hole in the side of the bag and rip the fabric and you’re home free,” Q revealed to some agents recently during an impromptu training session.

Kelly Osbourne Eats Whole Pig in Less Than an Hour

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Ms Osbourne was visiting a farm in the Rancho Del Mar district outside Los Angeles when she was seen to lose control of herself and start to eat everything in sight.

“I never seen anything like it. They paid me some money to use my land for a photo shoot for some stupid show. This lil girl comes along then gets all bug eyed. She then started to sniff and snort the air, like she smelled something rustling in the pig pen. Well, that was Cooter my pot bellied pig, he was three years old and he was like a family member he was. She’s a goddamn murderer, my family are going to sue her for the distress she’s caused us. She ate him raw and one of his trotters was still sticking out of her mouth when she walked out of the pen,” Samuel Fink, 56, who owns the Desperado Ranch, 34 kms from Los Angeles reported.

The 25-year-old singer has been showing off a slimmer, healthier figure in recent months because of her three pea a day diet. However, close friends of the talented star have told of the anguish Ms Osbourne puts up with in maintaining her new physique.

“Kelly would eat everything. I once saw her eat a whole live chihuahua in one gulp, she was that fucking hungry. I don’t know whether she was following her dad’s footsteps but if she was hungry she could eat shit off a sidewalk or a live bat from the ceiling. If you dropped a cream cake in pile of steaming cow manure, she would lick that shit up like it was glazing on a cake,” Marcia Ducunnie, a long-time friend of Kelly’s told the LA Times.

Recently, doctors in charge of Kelly have been concerned for her welfare and her dangerous lapses in enforced dieting.

Doctor Jacob Steinburger, a famous Beverly Hills practitioner, told the Hollywood Weekly: “We have to chain her down sometimes in the office or put her in a cage. If you dangle a cupcake in front of her face you can actually see foam coming out of her mouth and eyeballs. Some of the words she says as well, can be distressing. Luckily, the money from mummy and daddy Osbourne compensates me for my trouble in dealing with their awful offspring.”

“If I want a piece of fucking cake I’m going to eat a fucking piece of cake. You better believe me when I say, I want that cake or I’ll eat your fucking arm off bitch!”Kelly Osbourne told a CBS reporter who was eating a slice of cake at another photo shoot in Hollywood last week.

Kable Marx Takes Over From Stalin Brown

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Once more unto the breach, dear friends, there is no more Mr Bean, Stalin Brown or Balls, but Comrade Vince Kable Marx is now in the house to dole out even more punishment to the rich bastards who actually work to earn their money.

“These people, if you can call them that, stole all their money from the poor by working hard. That’s why they’re rich. It is my job as Impoverishment Secretary to pauperize them to levels never before seen. We need to make it so that the welfare generation are actually richer than people who actually work for their money,” Comrade Kable Marx told a delegation of Marxist followers at the Lib Marx conference in Liverpool yesterday.

Comrade Kable Marx is committed to the destruction of the economy and capitalist business world. Since coming into office after Comrade Brown was ousted, he has proposed a multi-tier approach in reducing the wealth of the people of Soviet Britain.

“I aim to impoverish every facet of the economy. Let the ruling classes tremble at a Lib Marx
revolution. The benefits driven indolent plebes have nothing to lose but their playstations. They
have a world to win. Workshy of all countries, unite!
Capitalism is dead labour, which, vampire-like, lives only by sucking
living labour, and lives the more, the more labour it sucks. After I finish with you lot, you’ll be so poor that you’ll be begging for Comrade Brown to come back,” Comrade Marx told the delegates whilst gurning inanely and drooling over the podium.

Comrade Kable Marx was then led away from the podium as applause rang down from the audience of Marxist revolutionaries.

God Does Not Believe in Richard Dawkins

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“God has informed us that he doesn’t believe in Richard Dawkins, and he actually doesn’t like him much either,” Rupert Spendleswick, curator for the scientific research centre at CERN told the New Scientist magazine yesterday after having isolated the much vaunted ‘God Particle’.

The Higgs Boson apparently manifested in the Large Hadron Collider yesterday evening at 3.52 pm CET.

“There was this big bang, then a puff of yellow smoke. We then smelled some burning. At first we thought we’d burned out another circuit but when we looked at the screen we saw the incredible words: “DAWKINS IS A DICK. LOVE GOD”

Richard Dawkins, who was at a book signing session in London said: “I’ve heard that God doesn’t like me much. Well, you can tell him that I’ve just written another book saying he doesn’t exist. What the f*ck are my publishers going to say? As far as I’m concerned God’s dead to me and my bloody accountants.”

Celebrity Pope Urges Britons to Beware of ‘Celebrity Culture’

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The crowd of 145,000 people greeted the Pontiff with songs and gifts and listened intently as he invited them to “cast away celebrity culture”.

He said: “You must reject celebrity culture. True happiness is found in God. Oh my gosh, have I won X Factor? Am I the next SuBo?”

Escorted by hundreds of police outriders, security vehicles, four helicopters, an armoured car and a team of surveillance agents he had arrived at Trafalgar Square in London, in a 185-vehicle convoy – revelling in his super celebrity status.

The whole of London had been cordoned off for the celebrity Pope’s outing, resulting in massive traffic disruption across the city with all airports  locked down.

The celebrity Pope, later on did a lap of honour around the route in his Popemobile, before speeding off with his whole entourage to his next celebrity Pope function in Birmingham opening a Tesco superstore.

The Pope will be releasing a new DVD box set of his tour and a new book to commemorate the trip.