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Home Blog Page 710

Michelle Obama Bribes Voters at Poll Station With Home Cooked Goodies

World

October 16, 2010

Michelle Obama Bribes Voters at Poll Station With Home Cooked Goodies

“I’m sure this chicken wing and drumstick will help you vote in the right way,” Michelle Obama says as she speaks to Dontavius Jackson Jr. just before he gets to the polling machine.

The culinary tasting exercise began after Mrs. Obama stopped off at the Martin Luther King Center on the south side of Chicago to cast an early vote on Thursday.

After finishing at the machine, Obama went back to the desk and handed in her voting key, then an aide gave her a big bucket of fried chicken.

She let voters including electrician Dontavius Jackson Jr, 46, taste a bit of ‘that homemade fried chicken’.

“She handed me a tasty chicken wing and was telling me how important it was to vote to keep her husband’s agenda going. I just ate that shit up. Hmm hmm it was finger lickin’ goo-o-o-d. Y’all know who I voted fo’ fo’ sho!” Jackson Jr. said before tossing a chicken bone on the polling station’s floor.

According to an Illinois State Board of Elections official, Sanders Gibbs, at the scene, the fried chicken tasting session took place inside the voting centre, not far from the booths.

“Soon enough there was a queue round the block for people to vote. Once word got around, people were busing in from other neighbourhoods to get some good eats and vote. We had to close the booths at one time because of the crowds and when Michelle ran out of buckets we nearly had a goddamn riot,” Gibbs revealed.

Developing…

Last Chilean Miner Out Arrested

World

by Abdul Mejid Cohen

October 14, 2010

The last man out was Augusto José Ramón Pinochet, an imposter who somehow blended in with the other miners, and was arrested immediately when he came to the surface.

“We don’t know how this man got into the mine and masqueraded as a miner for 69 days but he is going to jail now for sure,” President Sebastian Pinera told the assembled crowds and reporters.

Mr Pinochet waved at the cameras as he was led away to a waiting police van.

“He told us his name was Ruiz and he was in the mine to help. When he started to torture a few us and try and recruit us into a paramilitary police force, then we got a little scared,” Rodriguez Chichotas, one of the trapped miners told the Santiago Times.

Britain’s Jails Could be Empty in Two Years

World

by Abdul Mejid Cohen

October 13, 2010

Mr Clark’s plan to make every prisoner work a 40-hour week in prison could soon have Britain’s prison system completely empty claim the governors.

“No one would want to go to jail then. It would be a nightmare situation for them; it’s like a holiday camp now with video games, tv, internet, drugs, classes, days out and constant recreation. Can you imagine if they had to work a 40-hour week in jail?” Lee Sparnes, governor for Brookespan prison in Wigan told the Telegraph.

Currently, the UK is the most workshy country in Europe with six out of ten people out of work permanently and receiving state benefits, therefore, to make prisoners work a 40-hour week will be tantamount to war in some parts of the country.

Kevin Grimes, a 24-year-old career criminal was disgusted at the new prison rules proposed by Mr Clark: “I went to prison to escape work. Now they want us to work in prison? I really, really, really don’t want to go to jail now.”

Some inmates at Wormwood Scrubs prison protested last week after hearing the news, by boycotting the prison’s upcoming Halloween party, which is held every year at a cost of £45,000 to the taxpayer.

Houses of Parliament Sewage Recycling to Power Half of Country

World

by Abdul Mejid Cohen

October 11, 2010

Houses of Parliament Sewage Recycling to Power Half of Country

The politicians in the House of Commons and House of Lords already produce enough methane gas to power half the nation’s homes, the companies involved in the groundbreaking project revealed on Monday.

“We thought we’d put these politicians to good use for a change. Why not harness this incredible power emanating from these politicians’ posteriors? There will be collection points directly underneath the Houses of Parliament where the liquid shit will be funnelled into special fermentation tanks, then the created gas will be pumped directly to homes across the South East and even as far away as Birmingham,” Erin Boskovitch, senior project manager for the EDF, Thames Water, British Gas and Scotia Gas
Networks told the Energy Weekly paper.

Chris Huhne, Energy and
Climate Change Secretary, said: “It’s not every day that a Secretary of
State can announce that my arse and many of compatriots arses will finally save the UK from ‘Global Warming’ and high energy costs. Next time you’re cooking your dinner on the gas hob, take a while to think where that gas came from. Could have been Camaron, Ed Balls, me, or John Prescott.”

According
to Thames Water, the whole process – from flushing a Commons toilet to gas being
piped to people’s homes – takes around 5 days.

Marty Stools, chief executive of Thames Water said: “We chose the politicians in Westminster for this landmark project purely because they create so much shit. More so than anyone else in the country, therefore, from this ample farm of fecal matter, we know we can soon pipe gas to every home in the UK.”

Anil Piles, chief
executive of Scotia Gas Networks, added: “The gas that we are
transporting doesn’t arrive from the North Sea or abroad,
but instead comes from the vast gaseous quarters of the Houses of Parliament.
That’s got to be recycling at its very best.”

Amy Winehouse: "I’ve Been Drug Free for Three Years"

Entertainment

by Abdul Mejid Cohen

October 9, 2010

Amy Winehouse: "I’ve Been Drug Free for Three Years"

The singer, who was most recently addicted to party drug woof woof, has claimed in a tabloid newspaper that she has been free from drugs for three years after attending intensive drug addiction treatment.

Her friends however have disclaimed her remarks and revealed that the new drugs she is currently taking make three minutes feel like three years.

“She doesn’t know what she’s doing because she’s taking this new party drug that distorts time. For the drug users who take joo joo, which is the latest designer drug in the Camden area, it makes a few seconds feel like years. You’ll literally think you’re taking three years to cross a road full of oncoming traffic when in reality it could be 15 seconds. By that time of course, you could get hit by a two tonne truck. When Amy said she was free from drugs for three years, she really meant three minutes. I’ve seen people going to sleep in the middle of the road thinking they’ve got years ahead of them to cross, but poor blighters get squashed like bugs under buses and lorries,” Harpel Owens, one of Amy’s long-standing confidantes revealed.

Amy, 27, said: “I’m much healthier nah. I used to do drugs and I haven’t used drugs in almost three years, three minutes, three seconds or is it three days. ‘Ere can you tell the time on your clock, innit?

“I literally don’t do drugs anymore. No more crack, smack, charlie, whizz, miaow maiow, woof woof or dizz dizz. I dahn need nah Rehab innit?”

Government drugs experts have warned against the use of the joo joo drug which is actually derived from a byproduct of industrial toilet cleaner.

“Unfortunately, this new drug is taking hold of Britain’s youth, and celebrity endorsements from the likes of Amy Winehouse only helps to spread the word. It is a very dangerous drug that distorts time so severely that the user believes seconds are years and hours are decades. We are doing our best to try and thwart the spread of this drug but it’s very hard at the moment,” Ronald Crowe, a spokesman for the government’s addiction treatment agency told the Times.

Mary Bale Banned From Zoo Visits

World

by Abdul Mejid Cohen

October 7, 2010

“Mary Bale has been given a ban on ever visiting a zoo in her lifetime. We think this is unjust behaviour and will take this ridiculous ruling to the High Court if we have to,” Solicitor David Bairns representing Ms Bail at Coventry Magistrates Court told the Coventry Herald.

Ms Bail, who now lives at a secret location and is under constant surveillance for her own safety, did not comment as she left court yesterday, instead she hissed at reporters like an angry cat before fleeing in an unmarked van.

Joanne Leeming, a zoologist at Birmingham zoo said: “I think this is wonderful news. I mean, what if she came along and tried to dump a penguin or a Capuchin monkey in a bin? We’ve got some endangered species here, we certainly don’t want the likes of Mary Bale upsetting our animals.”

The court ruling forbids Ms Bail from coming within 50 feet of a zoo or any live or dead animal for the rest of her life. If she is reported or spotted on CCTV she could be jailed for up to five years if convicted.

British French American German Terror Attacks 'Highly Likely' to Occur at Anytime

World

by Abdul Mejid Cohen

October 6, 2010

British French American German Terror Attacks 'Highly Likely' to Occur at Anytime

France has warned its citizens that terror attacks are ‘highly likely’ in the UK and America has warned that terror attacks are ‘most probable’ in Europe soon, whilst the British government says that terror attacks will occur in France.

The German Foreign Ministry has said that terror attacks could occur in America and the British government has warned its citizens on travelling to France, Germany and America.

The Austrian government, however, have stayed out of the terror attack warning spree and have not issued any terror attack warnings yet. Switzerland, was also quiet and neutral about the whole sordid terror attack fiasco.

“We’ve got terror attacks coming out of the ass here. What am I going to do? This morning I couldn’t even get out of my f*cking bed let alone out of my hotel room,” an angry tourist from Alabama, U.S.A, told CNN whilst on vacation in Paris, France.

Benefit Scroungers Revolt When Told Benefits Capped at £26,000

World

by Abdul Mejid Cohen

October 6, 2010

Benefit Scroungers Revolt When Told Benefits Capped at £26,000

“I’m afraid the gravy train has passed for the benefit scroungers who don’t work and choose to stay at home getting drunk playing their playstations on their 56″ HD televisions. These are hard times we’re going through and instead of the usual £65,000 per annum they were each getting under Labour we’ve reduced it a little to £26,000. But to ease your permanent holidays, we’ll throw in free bus passes worth £950 per year and free boob jobs for the women worth £4,500 on the NHS and teeth veneering for anyone who wants it worth over £15,000,” Chancellor George Osborne announced at the Conservative conference on Wednesday.

Indeed, these are hard times for people who are permanently on benefits.

“I haven’t worked for thirteen years and I used to get £700 a week for my trouble. Where am I going to buy my booze and fags now that I’m only going to be getting 500 quid a week? This is a fookin’ disgrace!” Ed Hendry, 43, from North Lanarkshire told the BBC.

All over the country, there has been a mass outcry from the millions of people who are receiving state benefits for not working.

Mr Davy Daly, a permanently unemployed man from Humberside said: “I can’t live on 26 grand a year. You must be joking, that’s my travel money right there. Where am I going to go this year for heavens sake? Looks like Tuscany is out.”

Deirdre Scabb, 23, a mother of eight children from different fathers was outraged at the benefits cap: “I’ve been breeding my feral monsters for f*ckin’ ages so that I could rack up a good benefits package. Now this Osborne c**t comes along and tells me that benefits is capped. Who does he think he is? That was a lot of hard work that was spreading my legs to all and sundry.”

Another benefits reliant scrounger, Kevin Bunion, 35, said: “Even though people who work pay me to be idle and relax all day on benefits, I am disgusted at them. They should work harder for us and suffer bigger taxes so that I and my mates can live a life of leisure on state handouts. F*ck them, they owe us.”

Lady GaGa Wants Her Leg Back

Entertainment

by Abdul Mejid Cohen

October 4, 2010

MTV has reported that Lady GaGa is fed up of the cosmetic leg amputation she underwent in April of this year and wants her leg back.

At the time of the fashion induced operation, there was even a GaGa amputation competition held for a Lady GaGa fan to win her leg as a prize, but it was sadly shelved after protests from the public and authorities.

“I underwent a leg amputation last year purely to be different and for it to be a fashion statement. All my beautiful crazy monsters supported me but I am now bored of my amputation and want my leg back please,” the fashion conscious autotune pop singer GaGa told MTV.

The pop star’s record company is now having all her photos and publicity shots photoshopped to replace her amputee peg leg with a real leg.

Lady GaGa’s leg was kept in a cold storage formaldehyde solution and cryogenically frozen to prevent any tissue damage and will be reattached to her stump in a 56 hour operation conducted by the world’s best surgeons.

“We have a medical team on standby 24 hrs a day to reattach her leg. The problem is that after the leg finally thaws out, they will have to rush her to the secret location for the groundbreaking operation. This could be quite hard if she is onstage or in another country touring,” Ms GaGa’s press officer told Entertainment Weekly.

Obama Finds Jesus

World

by Abdul Mejid Cohen

October 2, 2010

“We got the boy talkin’ ’bout Jesus because he’s got to try and win some votes in the Jesus heartland if he wants to carry on being ‘prez’. Middle America, otherwise known as the ‘Fly Over Zone’, is crucial to Barack Hussein and lemme tell you folks, it’s the key to winning the midterm elections. They all think he’s a ‘muj’ without a birth certificate, so he’s gotta do something for heavens sake. Personally I see a lame duck president coming out of these elections — he wanted ‘change’, hell, he won’t have ‘change’ out of a dollar after these folk stick a few pitchforks in his gizzard,” Aloysius Bean, one of Obama’s campaign managers told the CNN network.

The ailing president has been on the campaign trail telling people through a teleprompter about his faith for Jesus. Going from city to city, the Obama campaign bus has been on the road non-stop for over a week.

“We don’t see him as a Christian. We see him as a Muslim pretending to be a Christian. Or even worse, some even call him an Atheist. Ann Coulter did because she knows that the God brigade hate them more than Muslims. She got her Adam’s apple in a twist over his ‘faith’. It’s all a big game anyway and it’s kinda fun to watch the ‘God botherers’ getting all bothered by it all. Some of them are even calling for him to change
his name to a more Christian sounding name, like Barry instead of Barack,” another prospective voter told CBS news.

Barakah – Blessing

Hussein – a descendant of the Prophet

Could this be the end of the Obama illusion, in which many brainwashed Americans were duped into voting for a mirage? Most probably, yes. As popularity polls go, Barack Hussein Obama has some of the lowest figures ever seen by a modern day president.

The truth is that under Barack Hussein Obama, America has become increasingly polarised, angry and is in the throes of a mass revolt. President Obama, is also so far removed from the ordinary American, that this alone will be the harbinger of even more defeat for the Democrats.

“The American people could relate to George W Bush because he was as dumb as a plank of wood. He couldn’t even string a coherent sentence together, but he sure as hell knew how to shoot at things. The son of a bitch knew how to go to war. This guy, Obama, is not even American. He’s certainly not Christian and he’s not white plus he doesn’t like shooting Muslims. That sums up the whole thing right there,” Dean Goosebilly, a Tea Party candidate for West Boston told Fox News’ Hannity Show on Thursday.