17.7 C
London
Saturday, December 20, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 709

Manchester Brothels Celebrating Sports Star’s Five Year Contract Renewal

0

“We just heard the
great news. He’s signed another lucrative five year contract at £250,000
a week. We just hit the jackpot! He’ll be in here spending, spending,
spending!” Jackie, 43, one of the prostitutes in the brothel told the
Manchester Times.

The Manchester area has approximately 3,500
brothels and they are all regularly frequented by footballers, the
Manchester Police have disclosed.

“His wife don’t care because he
comes home with his wallet. But that’s not all he comes back with eh!
How about some crabs and a bit of gonorrhea?” Mable, 61, another
prostitute in an Old Trafford brothel taunted.

New WikiPlugs Site Threatens WikiLeaks

0

A spokesman for the recently launched site, WikiPlugs, told ABC news about the new venture: “It’s real easy. When WikiLeaks discloses documents detailing the mass murder of civilians in the two wars America is currently engaged in, we get a big internet plug and basically plug the leak. It’s a piece of code which we call a plug. It’s not like a butt plug but more like a sink plug. When anyone logs onto the WikiLeaks site, they just get an image of a plug. This way, the truth about the war crimes will never be leaked.”

Rogers Nelson, one of the programmers on the new WikiPlugs project did not reveal where the company received the funding from, but their main office is bang in the middle of the CIA’s headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

“We’re in room 2314b, which is just down the hall from Rummy’s old room and also a torture room that Dick and Dubya used to enjoy frequenting whenever the building had a fresh meat delivery from Iraq,” the CEO for WikiPlugs, Freddy Goering, told CNN.

Three Strikes and You Go to Jail: Coalition Gets Tough on Murderers

0

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke plans to impose a ‘three strikes and you’re out’ rule that will jail serial killers and murderers.

He says he wants to send a ‘very strong message’ about Britain’s lax jail system and laws. ‘If you kill someone, then another and then maybe another person, we might have to prosecute you, plus you might also lose your benefit payments as well,’ Mr Clarke said.

Yesterday, outside the Old Bailey, a crowd protested at the absurdity of the new laws being implemented.

Axe murderer and thief from East London, Arthur Biddleswaide, 56, was disgusted by the new regulations: “So you’re saying that if I slaughter three people I go to jail? Bloody ridiculous! And I lose my benefits? Where is this Kenneth Clarke geezer, I’ll have his head?”

Johnson Redsparn, a certified maniac and machete wielding nutter from Swindon said: “What are they going to restrict next? Eh? They want to put us in jail? I’ve a good mind to go on another spree.”

The UK’s lax laws have created a breeding ground for serious criminals and killers roaming the streets. The new Coalition government has been left with no choice but to jail persistent murderers, and from next month, even rapists may be jailed. ‘We are negotiating over the final details,’ said one MP. 

Thousands of U.S. Lawyers Abandoning America

1

“What’s the point? Eight years of law school and I’ve got a huge debt with no job prospects. We’re awash with lawyers here. Our land where you can get sued for looking at someone the wrong way, has now got so many lawyers in it that some of us have to jump ship. I need to litigate. I have this urgent desire to prosecute, but some other lawyer always gets there first,” Artie Schweisman, a recent law graduate from Boston Law School told CBS news.

Much like the pilgrims who first set sail from England to America in 1621, a new ship is now sailing from Cape Cod to anywhere in the world where there is a shortage of lawyers.

“I heard they need some lawyers in Afghanistan, or maybe Tasmania. I’ll do anything to represent someone. Just that feeling you get, the excitment of the judges gavel slamming down, everyone rise, guilty or not guilty. I look round at the jury, I can feel their apprehension…and then..Bam! I realise I’m still in my dorm room with $120,000 student debt to payoff and no hope of ever getting a frickin’ job,” Mr Schweisman said.

The ship can hold upto 5,000 lawyers and 200 crew. Already, 30,000 lawyers have thus applied to go on the voyage but after rigorous selections, the numbers were whittled down. Each lawyer has to pay approximately $45,000 to even be considered a place on board, and this will not include food.

“We hope to set sail in December. We even have a few Christmas trees on board. God help us all, I need to litigate so bad, that last night I tried to sue my college professor to recover some of the funds for my four year course. He then counter sued me for trying to sue him and won. Shithead!” the leader of the voyaging lawyers, Shabbaz Mandingo, told the ABC news network.

Americans Laugh at UK’s £5 Trillion Debt

3

“We go through that kind of debt in a frickin’ day. You Limeys think you’re something with a tiny debt like that? We can blow a trillion bucks in an afternoon and not even bat an eyelid. Hell, we just let those Chinese pay for it when they buy our junk bonds,” Ed Switzer, the Federal Reserve’s senior spending analyst told Reuters news service.

Americans have big roads, big people, big buildings, big mouths, big burgers, women with huge silicon tits and big cars. Everything in America is on the plus side, including their debt.

“Officially U.S. debt is projected to be $20 Trillion by 2015, and these estimates are conservative to say the least. The actual U.S. debt is closer to $100 Trillion. That pretty much pisses on any so-called debt the Brits have got. We could hoover up that shit before brunch. How many zeroes is that? Hell knows?” Vice President, Joe Biden told the Boston Times.

Rooney Scuppered by New Contract

0

“Rooney’s spokesman, Alan Pandersting, told the Manchester Herald that his client has a very good reason for wanting to leave Manchester United football club.”

“My client is rather embarrassed by this disclosure to his fans and the club, but he can’t write his name on the contract, for the very simple reason, he cannot read or write. He is also unable to speak coherent English, or any other language. He simply grunts, and when at home at Waynsor Castle – the mock Tudor mansion he shares with his long suffering wife – he is put in a cage where well paid servants throw raw pieces of meat at him. We are therefore sorry for Old Trafford’s loss, Alex Ferguson’s loss and the Man U fans who will bear the brunt of Wayne’s caveman ways.”

The Manchester United board of directors at one time tried to get Mr Rooney to sign the contract by dipping his hand in a pot of paint but this backfired after the twelve people holding Mr Rooney down were injured terribly in the frantic scuffle that took place in the board room.

“Rooney was like a caged animal, at one point he bit one of the directors then threw an attendant out of the third floor window. We’re even thinking of bringing in a tranquiliser gun so that we can get his signature thumbprint,” Sammo Gesticule, the club’s injury specialist told the Sun.

Britain’s Aircraft Carriers to be Used as Floating Amusement Parks

1

“The days of fighting wars are over for Britain. Once we used to be a great seafaring military nation, today, we’re a laughing stock. I’ve heard that Taiwan’s navy has more ships and capability than ours, and even Madagascar has a bigger navy. From now on, our ships will be used as floating amusement parks, and maybe they’ll be able to recoup some of the trillions of debt the UK is now in,” Vice Admiral, Ronald Staines, wrote in the dossier which was then leaked to the Daily Mail.

Britain’s multi-million pound ships will have water slides, roller coasters and hundreds of rides to amuse all and sundry once the ships are open for business in 2011.

“This is an exciting time for the population. You just forget all your troubles, like not having a job and losing your home, family, savings, future. Just come to our aircraft carriers and play with the Harriers, maybe take a roller coaster ride, or just jump into the sea with your family. One way or another, you’ll soon forget about your miserable life in Britain,” the Vice Admiral revealed to the BBC on Tuesday after the leak.

Emperor Diocletian Would Have Been Proud of Persecution of Muslims

1

The elites have been doing it for centuries. First create a problem, then engender a reaction in the masses, then come up with a solution to the ‘problem’ and bring in even more repressive control systems.

The Muslims are a suitable bogeyman for the Western world, and are being used to bring in a new system of extreme control and inhibitive laws that will take away our already limited freedoms further.

Just as Emperor Diocletion burned his own palaces to create a partial extermination drive against the Christians within the Roman Empire who were judged as a threat to his rule, so too are the elite unelected controllers using the spectre of ‘Al Qaeda’ and all Muslims to bring in their laws.

The parallels are also extremely similar to the persecution of the Jews by the Nazis in 1935, wherein, the Jews were cited as the main cause of Germany’s economic and societal problems.

Gleichschaltung”

Arnold Winklejenkem, a professor at the Swiss Institute of Fiscal Studies says: “The Muslims are playing into the hands of these people who want them to carry on with their brainwashed religious fervour. A Muslim’s enthusiasm for his religion is thus a weapon for the Western controllers to bring in the next stage of human enslavement. Islam is a threat to these controllers because the people controlled by that particular religion are not within their parameters, however, the Western controllers are now utilising this threat for their own sinister ends.

“Who profited from 911 or 7/7? It certainly wasn’t any Muslim. One must look at the Latin phrase cui bono? and understand that the Muslims are being used to bring in the next level of Western scientific dictatorship, which will be ruled by those with superior technological prowess and specific techniques in human control systems.”

The expulsion of the gypsies by Neo-Fascist elements within the French government in 2010 adhere to Fascist principals and are a step in the right direction towards the new system of mass expulsions and persecutions of ethnic minorities that will become more prevalent in the future. Israel’s expulsions and extermination of the Palestinians is another example of Fascistic governments utilising perceived threats to forward their own creation of a xenophobic state.

“First they let all these people into the already crowded eurozone for a reason — to create unrest and an element of threat to the populations. The outcry by the indigenous population is allowed to increase to a certain point of pressure, before the respective governments suddenly step in and bring in the new solution –ordo ab chao,” professor Winklejenkem added.

New York Bed Bugs Catch Plane to London

3

News coming from the bed bug community in New York is that they are bored of New Yorkers and have a strong desire to travel.

“Bed bug tourists

Alfie Newhart, chief microbiologist and sanitation expert to the New York Mayoral office said: “We got a problem here in New York city. Like, the whole place is infested with bed bugs; but now we hear they want to branch out, maybe take a transatlantic flight here or there. We’re getting whispers down the grapevine that the bed bugs are frankly tired of taking a big bite out of the Big Apple. Put yourselves in their shoes. Once you’ve done New York, seen the sights, been up the Empire State, bitten the shit out of some poor bastards leg in the Ritz, what is there? It’s like, hey, we’re on the first class United Airlines flight out of here and maybe go to Europe for awhile. Check out our cousins in England, see the Houses of Parliament, maybe bite on some inbred Limeys ass for a change. Yankees are so frickin’ boring, they fumigate too much, they just don’t get bed bugs. The English though? Sheesh, they don’t even notice when a shed load of bugs are sucking the blood out of their ankles or the tax man taking away everything they ever owned.”

During a recent flight from New York’s JFK airport, about 2,000 bed bugs were seen transporting themselves on a passenger’s toupée onto the plane.

The New York authorities did not act because they were too busy itching from bed bug bites.

All over New York, millions of people are daily seen itching and scratching themselves in the streets, in the restaurants, cafes and cinemas. Some are now calling the bed bug phenomenon, the ‘New York shuffle’.

Cameron Wants Every Briton to Make Arts and Crafts to Settle £5 Trillion Debt

0

“If every person in the UK makes bits ‘n’ bobs and assorted bricabrac to sell on ebay or arts and crafts fairs, we could reduce the countries £5 Trillion deficit by almost twenty or thirty quid,” Mr Cameron told the House of Commons on Friday’s PMQs session.

The new initiative unveiled by Mr Cameron has been dreamed up by Whitehall denizens earmarked for the chop but still thinking of ways to get out of the previous Labour government’s created mess.

Speaking from Westminster, Roger Eapils, a senior analyst in budget reduction, said: “After the scorched earth policy conducted by the previous Labour government to saddle the UK with an impossible level of debt, we knew our cushy jobs were on the line. No way in hell were we going to even consider giving up our early retirement pension plans, assorted entertainment budgets, safari trips and desk jobs where we get paid to have expensive lunches at top London restaurants. This is how we came up with the plan for every person to make arts and crafts. We will be sending out leaflets and instructions to every household in the UK by next week.”

The leaflets that are earmarked for every household’s letterbox will include details on how to make paperweights, cute clay figures, funny mugs, bead necklaces and door stops.

The slogan that the leaflets will tout is: “Car Boot for Britain. Your paperweights can save us from the £5 Trillion IMF knackers yard”