17.7 C
London
Thursday, March 26, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 697

Rioters Awarded ASBOs and Praised For Excellent Rioting Skills

Huey P. Seale
-
6
Rioters Awarded ASBOs and Praised For Excellent Rioting Skills

“The boys and girls continued to riot even during adverse conditions with fires burning and police men standing around. They are brave and this is why we have awarded them ASBOs as well as community service trips to Alton Towers,” Judge Letof Dacriminel, told Sky news.

The courts were full all night processing the many cases after the riots had ended.

Councillor Judith Socilistie, told the BBC: “I praise the judges who have awarded these teenagers with Anti Social Order trophies because it will be a badge of honour for them, something they can put on their mantlepiece and show to all of their friends. It is also good news that these disadvantaged souls will also have all their benefits increased by large amounts. The message here is, it is good to riot, please do it again.”

David Cameron’s socialist coalition government were praising the courts yesterday on the swift action taken dealing with the assorted thugs, criminals, chavs, scallies and hooded arseholes.

“I particularly praise the courts who came down soft on these poor downtrodden boys and girls with hard hitting useless words on pieces of court paper. One boy I saw got a day’s community service order, a Kenyan safari trip, two trips to Disney World Paris and an increase in benefits of 40%. That boy must be crying into his stolen Burberry scarf right now I tell you,” a proud looking David Cameron told the House of Commons yesterday.

Think Tank: “Why Compulsory Sterilization Could Solve Britain’s Problems Instantly”

Huey P. Seale
-
15
Think Tank: “Why Compulsory Sterilization Could Solve Britain’s Problems Instantly”

The uncontrollable feral youths across Britain could all be forced into compulsory sterilization programs, as an effective solution to Britain’s feral population problem.

The Optimum Population Institute, led by Professor Reginald Cartwright proposes that the feral breeding problem could be eradicated within one or two generations, simply by sterilizing the ‘useless eaters’ and burdens on the welfare system. Once the sterilization program is underway, there will be no need for a welfare system ever again, because the feral scum will have been bred out of the gene pool.

“If you need a licence to drive a car, you should have a licence to have kids. These creatures are breeding like rats even though they cannot afford to look after their kids, or even have the sufficient IQ or education to do so. They are a burden on society and are useless, they do not deserve life let alone breeding more low IQ feral sub-humans into the world. By erasing these people from the gene pool, we are simply cleansing the world of these vermin, who cause untold misery to themselves and others purely by being alive,” the study concluded.

At current levels within the socialist system of Britain, social housing has been built amongst residential areas where humans live. Once the sterilization program is implemented, these eyesores on the landscape would be demolished and replaced with parks and open spaces where everyone can relax and enjoy themselves.

The health service would be freed up of dealing with the feral drunks and druggies that inundate its wards constantly, and they could get back to dealing with people who need treatment for real illnesses once again.

Crime would drop remarkably as the thugs would simply not be around any more, of course, there would be sporadic elements here and there but nothing like now.

Prisons would also be half empty and trillions of pounds would be saved on housing criminals.

The think tank also suggests an independent body separate from government to determine the criteria for breeding licences. The body would be a multi-ethnic, classless, non-political body that would prevent any form of racist agenda by supremacists or otherwise. Families would thus be created purely on merit, affluence, education and would only be allowed to breed after a series of rigorous tests.

During the interim period of sterilization, the feral classes would have to be removed from public view and taken to special holding areas offshore, where they will be entertained and fed until they expire of old age.

Within two generations, once the feral chaotic classes have died off, there would be less misery and populations would be happier.

Britain’s resources could once again be sustainable and there would be plenty of wealth, jobs, pensions and healthcare for everyone.

The British taxpayer would thus save trillions of pounds which would otherwise be wasted on nothing.

“With these people alive, they do nothing for society, they are a burden on everything. They cause untold misery to others and themselves by living. The world will be a lot happier without them,” the professor concluded.

If implemented into law, the legislation for mass sterilization of the feral classes could be completed as early as 2017.

Bullingdon Club Boys Caught on the Job Again

Huey P. Seale
-
0
Bullingdon Club Boys Caught on the Job Again

“I thought they were decent enough looking chaps coming to eat in my restaurant, one had a big white mane of hair, kind of scruffy, the other looked like a real piece of work going by the name of Osborne, then there was the boy in the back, Cammo they called him, he seemed polite at first but it was obvious after a few minutes that he was a real poncey shit,” the owner of Tony’s Cafe, in the heart of Tottenham, North London, told the BBC.

According to reports, the rambunctious Bullingdon boys walked into a number of premises, smashed the places up and looted everything. On their way out they were seen dropping a Bullingdon card and a few fifty quid notes to pay for the damage.

The boys wore coat tails and top hats during the vile acts of violence and did not seem phased by the police turning up.

“I thought I’d seen it all, but when I saw those toffee nosed yobbos ruffling through the shops looting and pillaging I realised that we had a real problem on our hands,” chief constable, Plodder, said from the safety of his armoured vehicle.

There are now plans to bring in water cannons to try and thwart the Bullingdon bullies from causing any more outrageous acts of senseless violence, like wrecking the economy, and bullying little defenceless cry babies like non-Etonion, Cleggy.

Arab Spring British Summer Fling

Huey P. Seale
-
0
Arab Spring British Summer Fling

It’s the final hypocrisy, that the same people who were actively encouraging Arabs to riot against their governments recently, are the ones who are in a very similar mess now and are trying to shut down the same social networks in the U.K.

Britain has always prided itself on freedom of thought and speech, however, thanks to the recent riots, things are about to change drastically.

Already, press freedom in the U.K. has now been limited due to the dalliances of the Murdochite criminals in charge of some nameless newspapers, so the reduction of freedom on the internet will be the next target by the government after the recent riots.

“It’s as if they encouraged these riots so that they could clean up with increasingly draconian laws being brought in. First you create the problem, then you create the public’s reaction, then you come in with the solution,” David Bike, a journalist for the Independent reported in his weekly column.

To create an effective police state one must first have the incidents to create a reaction amongst the fearful public.

“The police would never have a job if there was no crime, just like the doctors if we were all healthy and well. For them to be in business, they need crime and ill health,” a bystander at a recent riot told the BBC.

When you saw the police standing around during the looting, they were doing nothing for a very good reason.

Labour's Children Are Revolting

Huey P. Seale
-
1
Labour's Children Are Revolting

Labour’s children have shown that they are dissatisfied; and as wrathful as a venomous vengeful viper that has been ignored for too long in the corner of a filthy council flat, they have lashed out and bitten the hand that feeds them their dead stinking rats.

I hear the Labour-ite mantra coming from the flames and smoking pyres that used to be London, the voice of some piece of shit Labour minister shouting “Education, education, education.”

Of course, whoever uttered those words did not mean one thing about what they said, they never meant education of the masses, they meant dumbing down.

Labour brought in the instant x-factor generation, the benefits culture, the dumbing down of grades and education, financial encouragement of the sub-culture to breed, the creation of the chav culture that has gripped the countries under-class the length and breadth of Britain.

These creatures, created by thirteen long tortuous years of Labour hell, have finally been released from their cages; their dens where they do nothing but play their consoles, smoke drugs and dream about the next pair of trainers they can steal.

The benefits culture which was increased to unprecedented levels by the Labour government has suddenly been taken from under the feet of the sub-human underclass and they are f*cking angry.

“They had thirteen years of Labour giving them disability benefits, unemployment benefits, safari trips, anything these people wanted, and when the new coalition government came along, these things were all reduced because the coffers were empty. Instead, they were told to get a job because Labour had spent all the money. Of course, they will never work. You tell someone who can barely read or write, has no comprehension about anything, to go and work for a living. You’ll be lucky to not get a good kicking. These riots are because the chav and Afro-Caribbean underclass have had their benefits reduced,” a scared Tottenham resident told the Evening Standard.

By day they slink back to their lairs and count their nightly takings on their unholy shopping trips, watched by the powerless police, angry that their gold-plated pensions have been tampered with. They have iPads now and trainers galore, as well as computer games, pilfered booty, they inhale the smoke from their skunk weed and wait until darkness comes again.

The ineffectual corrupt British police have stood by and fanned the flames, only too happy to see the destruction unfold in front of their visored eyes.

“Let this be a lesson to all those in the government who think about cutting our enormous gold-plated pensions and front line services. If you do that, when we have our special Masonic meetings, we arrange for certain things to happen. We will thus stand by and watch you all burn in your homes and businesses. How safe do you feel now? These mobs can flare up anywhere they want, they will take and burn what they want,” a policeman wrote in the Times.

As the blind politically-correct politicians slowly awake from their slumber and their luxury holidays, the rioters continue their unfettered reign, where the only punishment they may receive is a slap on the wrist and an ASBO trophy to put on their booty laden mantle pieces.

London Olympics Posters Unveiled

Huey P. Seale
-
4
London Olympics Posters Unveiled

“London is ready for the 2012 Olympics and the authorities want to entice athletics fans to the capital from all over the world,” Mayor Boris Johnson said from his luxury villa in the Maldives.

The new posters will showcase the diversity of London’s cosmopolitan streets.

“These posters will be put up on burning double-decker buses, shattered bus stops, and even taxi cabs gutted by fire bombs,” a British Olympic official told the BBC.

Athletes who will compete in the Olympics were also enthusiastic about the new posters.

Andy Molotov, a Triathlon athlete said: “As you can see from the posters, there is a lot of fire there to make the olympics in the U.K. heat up and explode with success.”

Chav Hoodie Christmas in the U.K.

Huey P. Seale
-
6
Chav Hoodie Christmas in the U.K.

EVERYTHING MUST GO

“I need a new plasma TV. I just went and got one. Innit,” one of the looters told Sky news.

The Daily Squib predicted that the U.S. style flash mob robberies would start soon in the U.K. and it seems we were right on the money.

The disenfranchised hoodies, chavs have all come out of their cages and been let out onto the streets.

Flash mob robberies and flash riots are very effective ways of creating chaos.

David Cameron, who was enjoying a pizza in a Tuscan trattoria said today: “I just enjoyed a wonderful Margherita pizza with my wife, and we are now going for a walk in the piazza, maybe enjoy a glass of Chianti in a bar, then go back to our luxury villa and have a midnight dip in the pool.”

CLOSING DOWN SALE

“It’s like Christmas, New Year and Hanukkah all rolled into one as the police are completely powerless against these flash mob robberies. The chavs use their mobile phones to mobilise in different areas where the rozzers aren’t, then move on again. It’s just a massive free for all shopping spree,” a local resident of Enfield, told the BBC.

Another local resident said: “This is the problem with building social housing amongst residential areas where people live. It means that there is a constant threat that the animals will get restless and run riot. It’s the ‘gibs me’ culture, where they think everything is owed to them. These are untermenschen, brainwashed by rap culture and they should all be housed in their own enclaves away from civilised human beings.”

UK Used to Have Fourth Largest Gold Reserves Until Gordon Brown Came Along

Huey P. Seale
-
2
UK Used to Have Fourth Largest Gold Reserves Until Gordon Brown Came Along

The current economic crisis enveloping the world at the moment could have been very different for Britain if Gordon Brown had not sold off Britain’s gold for a pittance as prices now are reaching $1700.

“Britain would have had a real bargaining chip if Gordon Brown had not sold off all the reserves for the lowest price. We used to have the fourth-largest reserves in the world, now we’re barely at twenty,” Barclays stockbroker, Reggie Braithwaite, told the BBC.

Britain’s reserves were not ‘salted’ unlike their American counterparts who do not have a full vault at Fort Knox, the UK lost £16 billion when Gordon Brown sold 400 tons of Britain’s gold reserves at rock-bottom prices in 1999. If he had kept the gold, and it had been sold at today’s prices, the U.K. would have been in a different position to what it is now – a moribund wreck.

“With the additional reckless spending spree that Brown went on when he shoe-horned his way into office, the U.K. will be in trouble economically for the next 40–50 years. Many generations of taxpayer will have to suffer just because of one man’s idiocy and reckless vandalism. Gordon Brown is actually a traitor to Britain. He should be tried for high treason for making our nation into a defenceless piss hole without any chance of getting out of this mess for many years,” Thomas Hetheringbone, 87, a decorated WW2 veteran, told the Times.

Gordon Brown, who has been on a permanent taxpayer funded holiday since being ousted from office, even tried to apply for the head job at the IMF recently.

Obama Turning to Witch Doctors For Economic Advice

Huey P. Seale
-
10
Obama Turning to Witch Doctors For Economic Advice

“Obama is so desperate that he’s turning to voodoo to get the U.S. economy back on track,” a Treasury employee told CNN.

The White House was tonight being prepared for the arrival of the witch doctors, who will utilise many different techniques and materials for their special rituals.

“Help From the Old Country”

“They been doing this stuff for thousands of years so they know what to do. We’re bringing in some goats and chickens and putting them in the East room. I told ’em to watch out though and not get any blood on the carpet,” a White House aide said.

According to anthropological experts, the voodoo practitioners will all try to bring the U.S. economy back from the brink of certain destruction, but even if they fail, they will still get paid, much like real economic advisers and so-called experts.

“We’re hoping for the Dow to rise by at least 600 points, depending on how many chickens are sacrificed,” one of the witch doctors revealed just before leaving Nairobi international airport yesterday.

Unfortunately for Mr Obama, this is the last chance he has to make things work after he was caught sleeping on the job whilst a major economic meltdown happened right under his nose.

“Obama is using American taxpayers’ money to fly these guys from Africa to Washington for three days, feed them and pay them. This just beggars belief,” John Bullwark, a senior GOP representative from Texas told Fox news.

President Obama, who was attending his 50th hip hop shizazoe hizzoe bash yesterday, was not available for comment.

Obama's Birthday Wish Coming True

Huey P. Seale
-
4
Obama's Birthday Wish Coming True

“This is my 911. Me. There are no need for planes to hit buildings here, I just turned up to work at the White House, and that’s all it took,” Obama said smiling before cutting his birthday cake.

To complete the final move to complete state dependent socialism, the capitalist system must be destroyed, and this is what Obama is doing so well, he must take away America’s dependence on consumerism, on waste, and lastly on the so-called ‘American Dream’.

Not everyone, however, is angry with Obama’s spendthrift ways. He still has massive support from stalwarts like Oprah Winfrey and ordinary black Americans who are loving the destruction meted out onto ‘whitey’s empire’.

Trevon Manding, 45, an unemployed man from Chicago’s East side, told Ebony magazine: “Let’s see how whitey likes the ghetto. Our boy Obama giving some of that payback time for four hundred years of slavery. They built their empire off the backs of the negro, worked him into the ground, whipped his ass till it bled. Now we got one of our own in the White House, he’s taking away what the white man cares so much about, their huge stolen wealth and their dumb ass military. We truly love Obama for what he has done to America. Every cook out, every house, we’re talking about how much we love Obama. White folk got fooled by voting for this player, he played them real good and now it’s payback time. We got the last laugh, enjoy the ghetto, we been living in it for years, now it’s your turn.”

The myth that the world was ever out of recession was perpetuated by the controlled media outlets, but the plain truth is that this is a depression created by bankers and the elite, and will take 20 to 30 years to get out of, if ever.

Jules Sperme, a researcher at Washington’s policy research institute of research, said: “People don’t realise that the systems created through the centuries are not sustainable anymore; mainly due to mass migration, huge increases of populations, and unfettered globalisation. Therefore, one must accept that if the system is not sustainable, and is strained beyond repair, it must be destroyed. The survivors of the coming destruction will be the architects of the next civilization, they will inherit the new world, as the consumerist one is destroyed and upgraded to that of a low population scientific society. Something that philosophers and writers like Bertrand Russell and Aldoux Huxley were writing about in their books in the 1930s and countless others before that were dreaming about.”

The general population, who pitifully voted Obama in, were hypnotized and they are the harbingers of their own destruction.

“If I voted for Obama I would be so ashamed of myself right now. You might as well stick a gun to your head, burn your house down and dump your family in a ditch. These people are the ones who brought destruction to America. The people who voted for this guy should be shunned from society and expelled as outcasts because they have collectively brought us down to the level that will spell the end of America.” a man who did not vote for Obama told CNN.

As the debt ceiling was raised to increasingly impossible heights on Tuesday, a $239 billion spike on Thursday took up 60% of the funding, which means that the $14,694 trillion limit is already dangerously close to being breached.

The many other variables that will also contribute to the continued destruction are the 3.7 million Americans who are about to lose their unemployment benefits after their 99 weeks of eligibility are up, as well as the continued turmoil in the eurozone where U.S. banks are entrenched as well.

Maybe soon the vast prairies of America will once again see their true indigenous inhabitants reclaiming the lands that were stolen from them so cruelly, the bison will be roaming, and the tipis gracing the destroyed ruins.

1...696697698...813Page 697 of 813
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH