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Chinese Deny They Were Responsible for Tsunami

Lance B. Johnson
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Chinese Deny They Were Responsible for Tsunami

“We had 950,000 swimmers on this stretch of coast last week and they all jumped into the water at the same time. I do not think, however, that this could have caused the earthquake resulting in a tsunami,” Mr Long remarked whilst being interviewed on state television.

The population of China is so huge that when swimmers go to the beaches, seismologists record tremors and if the activity continues along fault lines, there can be serious repercussions resulting in massive earthquakes and tsunamis.

“It’s not only the risk of creating earthquakes and tsunamis that people should be scared of, what about when thousands of Chinese bathers all take a wee in the water at the same time? We’ve actually tracked the yellow slick by satellite reaching as far as California and Hawaii,” Roger Bannister, a seismologist and scientist from the University of California told CNN.


When the Chinese bathers all jumped into the water at the same time and started to splash wildly last week, there were reports of 80 foot waves reaching the coast of Africa and India as well as tsunamis in Japan and Korea.

“It’s those darn Chinese again. They must have been all going for a swim. Can you imagine when they all want to own a car as well? There’ll be so much lead and pollution in the world’s atmosphere that Japan’s radiation will be a breath of f*cking fresh air,” a South Korean politician, Kinji Asso, told South Korean news agency, Yonhap.

Video of Young Russell Brand Dancing Becomes Net Sensation

Lance B. Johnson
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Video of Young Russell Brand Dancing Becomes Net Sensation

Russell is seen dancing along to some crappy R’n’B tune which is very similar to his wife, Katy Perry’s music.

As he girates his body, the fat folds do their own little dance.

“I think it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in me vacuous life. Russell used to be a right barrel of laughs, plus he looked like one too, innit!” Brand’s wife Katy told MTV on Monday.

Not only is Brand a world renowned Tiddly Winks champ, but he’s also a ‘well proper’ film star in America these days.

“Russell is big in America. He broke the Yanks, something that even Oasis couldn’t do. He’s slimmed down somewhat since his teen years, but one thing hasn’t changed — he’s still a major c*nt!” Bob Geldofal, an old acquaintance from Brand’s first ever presenting job told the Sun newspaper.

Japs Built Nuclear Power Station on Exposed Sea Shore

Lance B. Johnson
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Japs Built Nuclear Power Station on Exposed Sea Shore

“We could have built this thing anywhere else, but we decided to just build it right on the beach so that it would be exposed to any danger that came from the sea like tsunamis and storms. Forget about building it on higher ground or inland, we said f*ck it, let’s build a major nuclear facility right next to a fault line,” Ichiko Muyumi, one of the engineers who planned the building of the Tokyo Electric Power station in Fukushima.

“Tora! Tora! Tora!”

In what has been dubbed as Japan’s own Pearl Harbour, the tsunami caused immense devastation, damaging thousands of properties and buildings in a surprise attack that took many off guard.

“The waves were 20 metres high and the water swooped over the buildings taking everything in its path. Huge walls of water came out of nowhere like zeros plunging from the clouds, and caught us completely by surprise,” one of the survivors of the tsunami, Yoriko Jintai, 23, told CNN.

It may have a pleasant sea view but is this responsible building?

If the reactors explode in the nuclear plant, there would be more devastation as the radiation is spread across the atmosphere.

It seems the double blow from mother nature and now the nuclear reactor meltdown is a very sad state of affairs in an already harrowing situation.

“I have to congratulate the chap who thought it would be a great idea to build a nuclear power station exposed to the elements like that. I mean what in hell was this guy thinking?” another glowing in the dark tsunami survivor remarked from a shelter 50 kms from the destroyed town of Sendai.

Please donate to Japan Earthquake and Tsunami Relief Fund

Is Anger the New Calm?

Lance B. Johnson
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Is Anger the New Calm?

Speaking from University College London, Professor James Dullingbowl, senior research fellow into the study said: “After ten years of research into the fascinating field of anger and rage we have come to the conclusion that this is the normal behavioural mood state of modern people now. Hundreds of years ago things were a lot calmer but now everyone’s so fucking angry and bothered. This morning, I said good day to a gentle looking old lady and she hit me over the head with an umbrella. Try smiling at someone in the underground or greet someone in the street. You’ll be lucky to only get one kidney stabbed.”

The Anger/Rage study used over 25,000 subjects from all over the UK over a ten year period.

The research found that anger levels in the UK have risen sharply in the last decade and are so high today that all it will take for the whole lot to go up in flames is even more anger inducing bollocks to happen.

So what in the world is making the people so fucking angry?

“Every day life. Living in the UK is like living in a concrete goldfish bowl crammed with thousands of other bloody goldfish. People cite overcrowding, enormous taxation and no hope, pension or ability to buy a home to fucking live in, as the main reasons. You can’t drive on the overcrowded pot hole ridden roads anymore let alone park anywhere, no jobs and it’s all fucking getting to me I can’t take it anymore. This morning I got so angry I punched a hole through my front door. I was so angry at breakfast that I ate the cardboard box as well as the cereal inside. No, not hungry, I was angry,” the professor shouted as a fight broke out in the laboratory.

Chemtrails

These new findings are however at odds with the Coalition’s new Happiness Index being touted to all the media at the moment. According to the government, everyone’s really fucking happy.

Fights Break Out at Obama Nobel Peace Prize Show

Lance B. Johnson
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1
Fights Break Out at Obama Nobel Peace Prize Show

As many as 1,500 people bolted for safety as dozens of fights erupted.

More than 20 police vehicles responded to the Crystal City Hyatt.

A video of the fight showed people getting pummelled — and others throwing chairs and assorted fruits at each other.

“I voted for change, hope, and a f*cking future. Shieet! Look at my black eye b*tch. I gots to go get me some Obamacare now,” Al Johnsons, 43, one of the members of the audience said before being stretchered off.

The Barack Obama Nobel Peace Awards show was meant to honour Barack Obama’s peaceful endeavours around the world and in the United States since he won the prize in 2009.

Luckily, the president and his wife were not present as they were enjoying another golfing trip to Hawaii, the seventh visit in two months.

At least five people were transported to hospitals.

Charlie Sheen Moves to Vietnam Cambodia Border Area

Lance B. Johnson
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0
Charlie Sheen Moves to Vietnam Cambodia Border Area

“I’m like Kurtz. I got my men and we’re going to go AWOL in the jungle. Shoot things up, drink some tiger’s blood, kill a few buffalo with machetes and build a temple,” Mr Sheen revealed when he relayed what he was doing through a captured CB radio to CNN reporters in Hanoi city.

According to reports coming from the village of La Trine, 34 clicks out of Saigon, Sheen was spotted last week recruiting a tribe of Montegnards who were immediately enamoured by the Hollywood mad man.

“We don’t know if he’s channeling Kurtz or the crazy photographer, but Charlie’s got his own platoon out there and enough dope to last him for years. We’re talking pure hashish and opium that will make a motherf*ckin’ herd of elephants drop. None of that tainted LA crap,” Moron said.

Secret mission

Warner Bros have said that they want the renegade actor taken down and are now sending Chuck Lorre into the jungle to get Sheen.

“Charlie Sheen is a wanted man. We need this guy taken down with extreme prejudice. That’s what we instructed our lawyers to do but they failed so we’re gonna have to go and eliminate him ourselves,” Warner Bros. CEO, Hymie Goldblaum, told LA Weekly magazine.

When Sheen heard the news that Lorre was being sent into the jungle to “shut Charlie the f*ck up,” he said: “Bring it on! No one touches this warlock. I got my men, my p*rnstarlets and a sh*tload of drugs. We’re gonna string that boy up by his scrote, then shoot pork rinds at his head.”

Murdoch Given Green Light to Control All UK Media

Lance B. Johnson
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0
Murdoch Given Green Light to Control All UK Media

“Murdoch already controls 90% of the world’s media and now he will pretty much control all of the UK’s media after getting the go-ahead to secure BSkyB by Cameron’s government,” a Westminster political commentator revealed.

Murdoch’s octopus like grip over the world’s media is a testament to control techniques that would make even Hitler or Goebbels quiver with abject jealousy.

“Murdoch will start feeding even more of the propaganda through even more news outlets he controls. Once he takes over 99% of the UK’s media, his evil plan of indoctrination will be in place,” one of Murdoch’s indoctrination controllers, Arnold Meshugass said from the offices of the now Murdoch controlled BSkyB company.

Resistance is futile

Rupert Murdoch’s demonic media entity has a vice grip over the majority of the media churning out propaganda only favouring his agenda, and denigrating anything in the way of its message of ultimate control.

“We control Hollywood, we control the world’s financial system and we also control the world’s media. In other words we control everything you can ever think about. What you gonna do about it huh?” Joel Schmool, head of communications of the Murdoch conglomerate bragged at a recent news conference for Fox News’ Media Control Symposium in Las Vegas.

This new directive is another nail in the coffin of our so-called democracy because it will ensure that impartiality and real news reporting will be forbidden and brushed under the carpet forever.

“From now on there will be news that favours only our agenda. Nothing else matters, because it simply does not exist in our eyes. You will be fed this news 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and you will not be able to get away from it even if you try,” a jubilant Mr Murdoch said from his luxury yacht moored off Monaco yesterday.

Is the Oil Still Safe?

Lance B. Johnson
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1
Is the Oil Still Safe?

“We fear for the oil. What if it gets torched? That beautiful black gold will be no more. This is why we’re prepared for military action right fuckin’ now,” the British PM David Cameron’s energy spokesman, Giles Fitzroy disclosed to the Daily Telegraph.

It’s not just the Brits who are smarting at the possible loss of oil, so are the Americans.

When Gaddafi starts torching his oil fields, then people are really going to wake up.

Barack Obama said on Sunday evening: “If we don’t invade those Libyans soon how the hell am I gonna take all those expensive Air Force One day trips for no particular reason? Oh my god, I gotta have my Air Force One trips, Michelle needs ’em too!”

Rescue Mission

There was no oil in Egypt or Tunisia so they were not up for military intervention, but Libya is a different matter.

“We’re prepared to defend the oil reserves that belong to us in that country. Maybe they have WMD? Gaddafi could launch an attack on the West in forty five minutes if we don’t attack soon, like right now. Send in the goddamn SAS, Marines, Seals and Halliburton!” John Schecter, a Pentagon official disclosed.

The US has already mobilised three navy destroyers off the Libyan coast, and even Britain, who doesn’t have much of a navy left after massive budget cuts, have deployed a small frigate with a few guns on it.

Hirst Shark Released Back into Wild

Lance B. Johnson
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0
Hirst Shark Released Back into Wild

The pickled shark will be extracted from its tank of seclusion and finally released back into the sea from whence it originally came.

The spectacular release will be filmed for a Channel 4 retrospective program about the artist’s work.

“It’s the final journey for the shark. I will miss it as it swims gently into the horizon and sinks under the water forever. My studio has fitted a mechanical device into the shark which will make this seemingly impossible feat possible,” Mr Hirst said.

Bathers on the Blackpool seafront have already been warned by the coast guard that the shark will be swimming in the area and they should not be alarmed if they see it.

According to art world pundits, Charles Saatchi, who commissioned the piece in the first place, will be the one on the sea shore who will press the all important release button.

“When we release the shark, I will have a huge tear well up in my eyeball. It will run down my cheek and land on the rocks below me. I will be sad, yet relieved for the shark. It will go to a place where it will be away from the prying eyes of the crowds. It will finally be able to go home,” Mr Saatchi said.

There are also plans to release the Hirst cow that was sawn in half into a deserted field next year.

New Charlie Sheen Sitcom 'One and Three Quarters Man' Airs

Lance B. Johnson
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0
New Charlie Sheen Sitcom 'One and Three Quarters Man' Airs

“This one’s going to be it. The big kahuna, the toasted tuna, the..er..chatanooga,” Sheen said at a recent news conference in his jacuzzi at his Beverly Hills mansion.

The star was interviewed for CBS’ The Early Show on Wednesday and described the format for the new show.

“The character I play is on one drug only — me. Okay, I lied, he does coke, crack, meth and shitloads of booze, but that’s neither here nor there. Is that a blue balloon popping over at the tipatoe mansion? Blake’s got redness. I said get ’em out honey, yeah both of them,” Charlie then gestures at one of the assembled actresses, who goes under the water to perform fellatio upon his shrivelled member.

The CBS crew are allowed to walk around the Beverly Hills mansion to see for themselves how Sheen has recovered after his much publicised meltdown a week ago.

“Over here is the garden. Dambusters on the vine, squeak, and a lot of shebas. And over in that corner, is my pet olive, I try and feed her every morning but she stays on the tree, kinda looking sad. Do you ever remember when you were a kid, how you used to smell things and how it triggers those memories as an adult now? The guest house is at the end of the yard and we like to cook bagels there in the evenings. Did I tell you earthworms about the time when I dropped three to four seven-gram rocks and had to move past the quarter line with an apple digger? Yeah, it was awesome. Time to memorize! I’m bitchin’ and I got all the info about everything and everyone in the world, all at the same time, or was that last Tuesday. I’m winning, we’re winning and losing at the same time on many different levels of 911, September, when the planes crashed into the WTC. I was cooking hard boiled eggs, big ones, small ones and square ones,” Charlie Sheen tells the reporters at the top of his voice, before passing out on the lawn face down, twitching uncontrollably.

The first series of ‘One and Three Quarters Man’ will air next Wednesday night on the DBO Public Access Network.

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