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MPs Could Be Hanged For Expenses Fraud

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Capital punishment has been voted back into law by Parliament after an e-petitions scheme attracted more than 800,000 signatures clamouring for the death penalty to be re-introduced.

MPs were forced to debate the issue last week, and it was duly agreed that capital punishment should be part of British law once again.

“Shame we’re not going to bring back quartering as well, I can think of a few people who would deserve that,” Conservative MP, James Dawlish, told the BBC.

Under the new rules, even MPs could fall foul of the capital punishment laws and be prosecuted for expense fiddling.

“Expense fiddling by MPs is a criminal act and should be punished by death. They are stealing taxpayers money, which is no better than robbing a High Street bank. Under the new laws, MPs would be hanged in Parliament Square, then their hanged bodies would be left swinging on the traffic island to rot and be eaten by the ravens as a lesson to the other MPs who think that stealing is a good idea. I think they might learn a lesson or two after that,” Cyrus Baldinger, a political commentator from the Daily Mail reported in his column.

There are fears, however, that the whole of Westminster could resemble a mass gallows because of the sheer number of MPs being hanged, causing traffic chaos with tourists and grim onlookers gathering at all times of the day and night. Health and Safety officers have also said that the smell of rotting MPs swinging on the ropes would be awful, attracting flies and maggots that could be a health hazard to the public.

The last hangings in Britain occurred on 13 August 1964, Peter Anthony Allen at Liverpool and Gwynne Owen Evans at Manchester Prisons.

Obama to Have Face On New Dollar Note

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Speaking from Capitol Hill, the former president said that he was truly honoured to be featured on the new zero dollar bills that will be printed.

“My fellow Americans and Kenyans. I am truly honoured to have my face on the new dollar bills that will come into circulation from next year. Please remember, whenever you spend your hard earned cash, how I have served our great nation. When you try and pay your rent, or buy some food to eat, when you try to fill your car with gas, take a long look at my face on that bill, and think about how I have consistently spent your cash, for nothing. What did you get out of my spending? Think to yourself, is your life better now? What about that ‘change’, can you feel the change? Well, with today’s prices, I doubt you will have much change left in your pockets. That’s for sure.”

The Secretary of Treasury, Larry Fleischman, has already conducted preliminary meetings with the BEP regarding the new Obama zero dollar notes and they should come into circulation.

Ordinary Americans were generally enthusiastic about the announcement that the new zero dollar bills with Obama’s head plastered all over them would soon be available.

Fredo Carmine, 37, an electrician from New Jersey said: “What the fuck? Now I gotta look at the mouli when I’m paying for everything. It’s like a double kick in the meatballs. Look at this frickin’ shit, I can’t even afford to buy my kid candy. What the fuck am I gonna tell my little Johnny? Obama ruined our fuckin’ economy and spent so much money that daddy can’t afford to even by you a stick of candy. Bullshit!”

Greece to Bailout U.S.

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“We are offering the United States some much needed assistance in this terrible time of need for their nation,” Mr Archimalakas, told Greek state radio today.

The United States, which is set to default on it’s China loans by next Tuesday, needs about $3 trillion to see it through August.

Speaking from the state department, House Speaker John Boner said: “I know what they said about being careful about Greeks bearing gifts, but shit, we’ll accept anything at the moment.”

The Greeks have thus agreed to send a few crates of olive oil, some donkeys from Crete and a bucketful of Ouzo.

“We feel that this should help the Americans, you know, like their bankers and credit agencies helped us,” Mr Archimalakas said, before spitting into the bucket just before the aid consignment was put on a plane bound for Washington.

Why Default Will Be Good For America

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Professor Dean Finklestein, a leading economist at the Policy Research Institute think tank based in Washington DC, who has studied U.S. debt over a forty year period, claims that America needs to default so that they can clean the slate and start back over again.

“Clean slate”

“When we default, that means we can’t pay any more cash to anyone because we’re frickin’ bust. It’s pretty simple really. This way we go back to square one and start over. No one will be the wiser. Hell, we can even print more money and start spending recklessly once again. Obamacare cost America $13 trillion since its inception and is set to cost even more when it starts to materialise. When we default, Obama can start on his other pet project, giving amnesty to the millions of illegal immigrants already within our borders. Once that happens, say adios Americanos gringos because every wetback the other side of the Rio Grande will want in. Y’all can be sure of that,” the professor said, at a recent Institute meeting before being shot in the kneecap by a Mexican drug dealer.

“It’s all over, folks”

It’s not just America’s hierarchy that is defying the debtors, ordinary Americans are defiant with regards to wanting the country to default, and are adamant that a major U.S. default would be a great benefit to the economy. A recent poll qualified the fact, and revealed that 85% of Americans wanted a default, however when asked whether they knew what a default was, 94% said they had no idea, it just sounded good.

“By defaulting on the money owed to China, the U.S. will effectively wipe the slate clean and get away with having to pay the Chinese the trillions of owed dollars of their money. The Chinese have been funding Obama’s spending spree for the past two and a half years and let’s not forget prior to that old Georgie boy and his warmongers. By defaulting, we might even take China down with us too. They’re getting way too big for their boots anyway. We ain’t going to pay those Chins one dime, it’s time they went back to their piss hole country and sell their useless plastic trinkets to someone else,” a Republican Tea Party member in Boston told Reuters news agency.

Chancellor: "If You Don't Want to Pay Extra Pension Contributions Die Earlier"

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“If you can’t afford to pay an extra £3000 from your gold-plated £120,000 salary as a useless cog in the red-taped bureaucratic waste bin of government, then simply die earlier. It’s really quite easy,” Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne told the BBC.

Public sector workers are now being frogmarched into union offices and ordered to strike.

The Treasury, however, is bringing in new guidelines that will guide public sector workers who are so well funded by the taxpayer, to stop taking so long to die.

“You’ve got two choices, pay extra money to keep your hugely generous pension or jump off a cliff. The choice is yours you ungrateful fuckers,” Mr Osborne announced.

An angry Newham Council Bread Bin Inspector, who makes £87,000 per annum for his three day a week flexi-time job, voiced his anger from his holiday villa in Tuscany: “This is outrageous. Where am I going to holiday next year? I’d rather die than holiday anywhere else. Right, to arms comrades, we must strike these Tory bastards.”

Looks like there will be another effete protest in central London soon.

Obama and Boehner Both on Summer Vacation

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“I need a long break,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) told CNN before leaving for the Hamptons. He was spotted at Washington’s Dulles airport dragging his feet onto a private jet yesterday evening.

President Obama and his family, with an entourage of 80 vehicles, have left for Hawaii again, and will enjoy a four week stay costing the U.S. taxpayer $34 million.

“The president is leaving Washington for the Summer. He has frankly had it up to here with all the golf playing and is seriously bored with the mediocre courses around the capitol. Hawaii has some amazing courses,” the only White House aide staying behind revealed.

The debt ceiling can wait as congress and the senate call time on a long hard battle to try and rescue the U.S. economy from default.

“Frankly we don’t care anymore. I know I’ve got a pool and a deckchair waiting for me. I’m going to get a good paperback, sit back and relax,” another congressman, Roger Piles, (D-RI) told CBS political analyst, Anal Spitzer, on Wednesday.

Obama Economy: How Did It Come to This?

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“So much for the stimulus and QE. Obama has bankrupted the USA, of course, with a lot of help from the former president George W Bush, but Obama did not help, he did not remedy the situation like he could have, instead, he made it worse,” senior economist, Jeb Weinstein, told CBS news.

AAA?

The world’s equity markets could drop by 30% in the next few days unless Boehner and Obama come up with a bipartisan deal.

“Boehner’s got Obama by the balls with this debt ceiling, but I want to ask you guys, how the heck did we get in this mess in the first place? Obama says that social security checks won’t be sent out soon because America is bankrupt. Are you seriously trying to tell me that we are that close to the edge?” John Hammer, 67, a retired engineer from Colorado, told CNN.

Questions need to be asked as to how America got to this stage of immediate default? Who gave the president permission to fritter away trillions of dollars into a seemingly endless black hole? Where is the cash? Someone, somewhere has to know the answers to these questions.

While China has a surplus of cash, they do not know what to do with their buckets of money, America is struggling, it is falling slowly off the precipice, entrenched in three perpetual wars, no jobs, and with a president in debt denial.

Obama’s socialist dream is in tatters today, he had a vision, and he spent other peoples money to try and fulfil his dream, which of course never materialised. This is the same dream that all socialists have, by using other peoples money, however, soon enough, that money runs out, then what?

Check Mate

President Obama’s Marxist dreams about introducing things like social healthcare to an American system, and other pet projects, have bankrupted America. He has in effect castrated the nation, and now there is a check mate situation with no where to go. It is a sad end to a once great country, which is now so polarised and split that there could even be another civil war soon.

“People are angry that our once great nation has been hijacked by this person. We don’t yet know who Obama is, where he came from and who indoctrinated him. Who writes his teleprompter script? Certainly, without it, he is a lost puppy, a naive inexperienced little man with no f*cking cojones. Someone needs to take the reins from this loser and get us back on track,” Freddy Klusterphuck, 45, a man from Wisconsin told a local radio station.

Pack of cards

The fact is, that the U.S. economy is one big Ponzi scheme, and that is the reason why Bernie Madoff got away with his tricks for so long. The people in power knew what he was doing, because THEY were doing the same thing, except they were making the laws up. Sooner or later, the game is up for Ponzi schemes because they are not sustainable unless they keep on attracting large contributions, they eventually collapse, and this is what is going to happen to the U.S. economy. Whatever the deal is this week, rest assured that even if the U.S. raises taxes sharply and cuts all welfare funding, it will still be insolvent and will not be able to service its huge debt interest bill alone. It is too late to avert inevitable default.

Quagmire

“The Middle East sucked America in for a reason. They are playing the long game, after all, they’ve had thousands of years to perfect their strategies. What has America had? They’ve only been a nation for 200 odd years. This is why America is f*cked. They have been meddling in the affairs of nations and cultures that have been around for many thousands of years, the sheer arrogance of the U.S. has finally been brought forward, and they will pay a huge financial price for their idiocy. The people who planned America’s demise want it to be entrenched in the Middle East, the longer the U.S. is there the better it is for them. They have all the time in the world. George W Bush and his little Republican brainwashed blinkered insular Neanderthals were suckered into the wars for a reason — to eventually bankrupt America. Unless they kill every man, woman and child in Muslim countries, they will never defeat them, instead, they are the ones being defeated because every day they are spending billions of dollars in losing wars. You cannot defeat Islamic nations. One would have thought that these morons would have read a little Machiavelli,”  Charles Fortnoy, a retired history lecturer living in Somerset told the Financial Times.

Norway Massacre: Revealed Twisted Killer's 15-Page Sick Manifesto of Murder

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“It’s pure evil and every day it creates more fear, hatred and stirs up terrible trouble in Europe and Middle England, endangering lives and creating immense discord amongst the population, yes, it’s called the Daily Mail, and it spouts out so much terror and bile that it is my extreme right-wing manifesto for the next hundred years,” Anders Breivik, told a Norwegian judge in court yesterday.

According to reports, Breivik was first exposed to a copy of the Daily Mail when he was at Euston train station in London and had stopped at a newsagent to browse.

“He had just stopped at the shop to look around, and he told us he was stopped in his tracks by this awesome fearmongering headline that was written purely to create hatred for some minority group that was frankly pretty inconsequential. He paid the brown-skinned man some money and picked up the 15-page manifesto to take back to Norway. He was immediately converted and wanted to use the Daily Mail as a manifesto for his future plans,” Jurgen Schlipf, his lawyer, told the Norwegian press.

U.S. Gotta Boehner For Default

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“Obama has a serious problem. He’s got a Boehner in his back telling him how to do his job and meddling with his debt addictions. Some people like to take Viagra to get a Boehner, Obama likes to pass on that and go for the default,” Nancy Pelosi, former house speaker told the Washington Times.

Aldridge Dimebag, a Wall Street economist tried to explain the situation on Bloomberg today: “America is a few days away from defaulting and creating a massive full scale economic crash because right-wing nutters are meddling with the frickin’ debt-ceiling, or something like that. I just think the proverbial is gonna hit the fan if something is not done before the Asian markets open on Sunday.”

Every day, the parallels between the 1930s and 2011/12 are getting increasingly similar.

“2008 was like the 20s Wall Street crash, what we’re going to have now is possibly something akin to the 1930s crash. Not sure about the war situation, but that could escalate too. It’s going to be the last fight for the world’s dwindling resources. The players? Well, China, Russia and the U.S, of course,” a geo-political global analyst told Newsweek magazine.

No one knows where president Barack Obama is at the moment, but he better get his shit together some time soon or we’re all going to get it.

Winehouse Record Company Execs to Make Huge Profits

“Our profit projections will exceed all expectations when we release Amy’s album next week. I just put out a purchase order for a new Aston Martin,” Herb Suge, chief A&R man at Island records told Billbored magazine.

It is well known within the music industry that artists’ untimely deaths are a huge opportunity to capitalise on their demise by increasing sales of albums and merchandise.

 “Back to Black” reached No. 2 on the Billboard 200 in March 2008, almost a year after it debuted, spending 78 total weeks on the chart. It has sold 2.3 million to-date, according to Nielsen SoundScan. Record executives think that they can shift millions more units after Winehouse’s death.

“It happened with Michael Jackson, he sold more albums in death than when he was alive. In fact, him living was a hindrance to record sales. Same thing with Winehouse, as a piece of software, she was troublesome whilst still alive. It is common knowledge that record companies actively encourage artists to ingest as much drugs and booze as possible. The more, the better, because it is great for sales, especially when these products finally get to their intended destination,” Earl Jenkem, CEO of Anus Records, distributor for Winehouse’s music in the US, said from his Hollywood mansion.

Robert Peston, a musicologist for Phonogram said: “People keep saying that Amy Winehouse was a genius or slightly talented. I beg to differ, you see, the people have been conditioned to accept mediocre sub-standard pap for so long that they got accustomed to it. The old adage comes to mind, feed people enough shit and that’s all they know. I would not call some dead cat wailing as genius. I call Django Reinhardt and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart – genius. The word ‘genius’ is used too much these days, because people have lost the bar, as it is lowered lower and lower every year. This person will not be remembered in ten years time. Real geniuses are remembered for eternity. It was just crappy mediocre r&b trash sung by a little Jewish girl with a drug problem, nothing more, nothing less. So please, stop using the ‘genius’ adjectives to describe something it ain’t.”

The music biz is not known for its kindness to artists while alive, record companies make huge profits off their workhorses until they have had all of their life force spent, then the artist’s repertoire is the sole property of the record company, making for an even more lucrative eternal pay day for the companies and publishers.

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