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New ITV Reality Show "I'm in Libya Get Me Out of Here" Massive Ratings Hit

For too long the ITV channel has been stagnating with no new shows of merit — that is until now.

“This new show has become a huge ratings hit with not only the British public but worldwide as well. It’s set in Libya and involves minor British celebrities being dropped in an area of Libya with little food, no compass and no weapons. If they can survive for three days while all hell is breaking loose around them, then they win the prize; which is an all-expenses-paid trip to Tunisia,” the shows creator, Al Hertyu, for Endemol productions, disclosed.

The first episode last night, got off to an excellent start when scumbag ex-politician, Lembik Opik was shot in the rear with an AK47 and the whole cast of Eastenders were whisked away by merceneries to an undisclosed jail where they will never be seen again.

ITV executives were rubbing their hands with delight as the ratings reached 42 million for the first episode alone.

“D-List celebrities are lining up to be included in the show. It’s the ultimate career boost for these people. They’ll do anything to be famous,” Mr Hertyu added.

So far, all 34 celebrities on the first show are unaccounted for and are presumed dead.

The next show will include Katie Price and Peter Andre as well as Alex Reid.

Who says the conflict in Libya is a bad thing?

Galliano Fashion Show in Israeli Kibbutz Could Be Cancelled

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“We had already arranged the show but were wondering why Galliano suddenly changed everything so that the models were dressed in Nazi gear resplendent with fabulous swastikas and SS uniforms,” Karl Gunther Schweinhund, one of the designer’s stage hands, told Israeli fashion magazine, Shalom Paris.

The fashion show is meant to commence in a few days but could be cancelled, Israeli officials at the kibbutz have said.

“We know this is fashion but since when has a model goose stepping around a stage wearing a Hitler moustache been in good taste? I’m all for couture but this is outrageous. It’s bad enough that the size zero models all look like concentration camp victims but when Galliano said that he wanted the models on the catwalk to throw raw pieces of bacon into the crowd, this is where we drew the line,” Chaim Bodenheimer, one of the organisers for the fashion show at the Ariel Sharon Kibbutz, 43 kms from Haifa, told Haaretz on Monday.

The Strokes Have Pacemakers Fitted After Stroke Scare

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“The Strokes are trying to get back after many years in the wilderness. They had been enjoying their royalties until all of a sudden it all dried up, so they’re back again to remind their fans that they still exist and to carry on buying their stuff so that they can carry on with their lifestyles,” Mr Banque revealed during an interview for NME.

The Strokes underwent crucial heart treatment after all four members suffered minor strokes when they were playing during a practice session in Manhattan.

Cocaine

“One minute they were playing and the next they were holding their heads and looking all lop sided. They went down like dominos, one after the other. At first I thought they got electrocuted. It’s safe to say that I then realised that The Strokes had all had strokes. It was something that really astounded me and strangely turned me on,” lead singer Julian’s girlfriend, Audrey Mumps, revealed.

As soon as The Strokes had their strokes, they were all rushed to New York’s premier hospital where they were treated immediately for their strokes.

“Don’t worry folks, The Strokes are going to carry on touring despite their strokes. Hey, they have to pay for their hospital bills somehow eh. No sign of that Obamacare any time soon huh. It’s enough to give you a stroke, innit,” their manager quipped.

Could Gaddafi Be Ozzy Osbourne’s Long Lost Brother?

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They’re both mad as hatters and like nothing better than to mumble, but is that where the similarity ends?

Observers of Colonel Gaddafi have been astounded at the stunning similarities to Brummie rock star Ozzy Osbourne.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Gaddafi up on the wall gesturing at some fake supporters in Green Square last week. I mean it could have been an Ozzy concert. I was half expecting the chords of Mr Crowley to start chiming in,” Melody Maker journalist, Schiet Bagg, reported in his weekly column.


Ozzy’s family and old friends from Birmingham say they remember a Libyan carpet salesman calling on the Osbournes about nine months before a child was born in 1942, who was then given up for adoption. Of course these are just rumours, but you never know.

Speaking from Los Angeles, Sharon Osbourne was eager to begin talks with the colonel: “We’ll have to do a few preliminary tests on him first. Like I’ll put a live bat in the room and see if the colonel manages to rip its head off with his dentures. I’m getting Ozzy to fly out to Tripoli next week, you never know, Gaddafi might also give us a few of his billions.”

 

Timid Brits Hypnotized as Middle East Revolutions Roll On

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“It’s because the British people have been conditioned very well to accept every indignity and horror without question. The form of mass hypnotism employed on the UK population ensures that they will never voice their displeasure at being fisted by Rip-Off-Britain prices foisted on them daily, or the Draconian laws prescribed upon their limited freedoms. You can tax a British person until they have to fork over 80% of their salary to the state, and they will nonchalantly recline and switch on the telly to watch Deal or No Deal. You can let in half of the population of Eastern Europe, Asia and Africa to take away much of the already limited resources, and only a few people voice their displeasure. Of course, this is a well trained form of apathy which we have implanted into their psyche. The mass brainwashing is complete, as the evidence of no uprisings in hundreds of years since 1642 has suggested,” Albert Rupert Speer, a government spin doctor working for David Cameron’s office told the Daily Telegraph on Saturday.

While many countries in the Middle East are in political and social turmoil and the people are fighting back against the oppressive machinery of slavery, here in Britain, no one is even batting an eyelid let alone striking up a protest at the various indignities meted out on the people on a daily basis.

“In the UK now we’re paying £6 ($9) per gallon of petrol. The cost of a small loaf of bread in some supermarkets is now £4.50. Go to any supermarket in the UK and you will soon realise the enormity of this situation as the prices will baffle you. And yet, no one gets angry. Not even a whimper, or a word of defiance. Are us Brits that yellow and cowardly that we let ourselves get fucked by the system every day and not say even one word or do anything about it? I guess we are,” Norman Titbit, a political commentator from Westminster said on Friday.

There seems to be some form of Pavlovian sado-masochistic battered wife syndrome embedded within the British psyche wherein they can be goaded on endlessly, tormented, robbed, swindled, and cheated without reproach.

Perhaps there is a link with the current malaise infecting the population and Britain’s Feudal past. Ingrained over centuries of subjugation is the happiness of serfdom, a quality that is obviously treasured by the robber Barons and controllers who laugh as they count the spoils of their conquest.

Don't Worry Middle East Peace Envoy Tony Blair On Way to Libya

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It certainly wasn’t those dodgy Libyan arms deals he made behind the British people’s backs, or what about Lord Mandy and the buffoon Gordon Brown who completed the shameful Megrahi oil deal much to the chagrin of the Lockerbie relatives?

Well have no fear. Tony Blair has just departed from luxuriating on one of the multi-million pound yachts owned by one of his special friends, to clean up the awful mess exasperated by those secret Faustian British arms for oil deals he personally officiated a few years ago.

“I am not only responsible for the death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, but under my watch I sold most of these Libyans arms so that they could kill more of each other. As Peace Envoy to the Middle East, I can’t think of anything more peaceful. Firstly, because they kill themselves. Muslims killing other Muslims is a big bonus for us. The more that happens, the more peaceful it gets and we don’t have to do all the killing ourselves from 35,000 or so feet. Secondly, I got paid huge sums of money for what I did, so that is justification in itself. In fact, that point should be number one. I should get a frickin’ medal for all the crimes I committed in the name of the Britain. So all those moaners and do-gooders can shut the hell up,” Mr Blair said puffing on a huge cigar whilst reclining in the private jet plane headed towards Paris’ Charles De Gaulle airport, where he will spirited off to an all-expenses-paid five star hotel to conduct further Middle East Peace negotiations.

Fergie to Visit Obamas During Royal Wedding

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After being omitted from the royal wedding of the century, Barack Obama and Sarah Ferguson are determined to show that they too can have fun.

Speaking from the White House, U.S. President, Barack Hussein Obama said: “I got her an ipod and some DVDs as a present when she comes to visit. She said she’s not bringing a bust of Churchill so I’m happy as beans. We don’t need to be at Will and Kate’s wedding to have some fun, innit?”

The itinerary for the visit is set to include many high points and party games like pass the parcel around the Oval room.

“It’s a game the Duchess likes to play. Barack will pretend he’s a Sheik and he will distribute a brown envelope around the room filled with about $400,000. It’s up to whoever gets the wad of money to hide it from whoever’s pretending to be the News of the World reporters around the corner. The game culminates in some toe sucking and the Duchess pulling her hair out whilst simultaneously swigging from a bottle of Vodka,” a White House aide told the Washington Post.

Another game that will be played is ‘Avoid the Leper’ where someone has to pretend to be Sarah Ferguson and the rest of the crowd are the British royal family.

Sarah Ferguson and the Obama family will also take day trips on Air Force One costing millions of dollars to the taxpayer during the Duchess’ stay.

“Nothing new here folks. The Duchess of York likes nothing better than to spend copious amounts of other people’s money, no difference to the obamas as well eh,” another White House aide revealed.

Cameron's Big National Socialist Society

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There is nothing sinister about David Cameron’s ‘big society’. In fact, there is nothing new in his words describing it.

Cameron’s ‘big society’ is supposed to create a climate that empowers local people and communities, building a big society that will ‘take power away from politicians and give it to people’.

The Coalition plans to restore economic prosperity and end mass unemployment using the ruse of a big society, while suppressing state benefits, labour unions and strikes.

Much like the rise of the German National Socialists who empowered the people with vigour and purpose prior to World War II, so too is Cameron’s call to engender community spirit; for people to get up and work for the state without pay; for specialist Coalition organisers to instruct the people on how they should do this. Soon, the great shining autobahns will be spanning the UK as they do in Deutchsland even to this day.

Ein Volk Ein EU

To understand Cameron’s Coalition one must first look at the European Union.

The European Union is a Totalitarian Nationalist Socialist state that has been resurrected from the ashes of the Third Reich’s downfall. The Nazis of Germany were a blueprint for the European Union.

One must understand that not only has the Third Reich been resurrected with the European Union’s amalgamation of pretty much every European nation state, but it has also been resurrected in Britain as well.

Reichskommissariate

Oswald Moseley and Hitler would be proud of the covert nature in which National Socialism has reared its head across Europe once again.

There is no doubt that the EU is a Fascist state and one only has to look at the definition of Fascism to understand this fact. During the 19th century, the bundle of rods, in Latin called fasces and in Italian fascio, came to symbolize strength through unity, the point being that whilst each independent rod was fragile, as a bundle they were strong. And so too, the European Union has risen to power by joining states together and taking away individual state powers thus redirecting them to Brussels.

The UK is also aligned with the EU and will eventually be forced to join the Fascist state. Cameron and his counterpart Clegg have been instructed to prepare the UK for this important amalgamation and they will be rewarded richly for their role during the transfer. They will of course explain to the people in a pleasant enough fashion that their hands were tied, of how it was the only option.

Covert Not Overt Fascism

World War II was a mistake by the German National Socialist Fascists because it was a war fought with guns and cannons. Their agenda was too overt, too obvious. The new European Fascism has been won without a single shot being fired. Now that is the true meaning of conquest. Whole countries have submitted and assimilated into the Franco-German ruled EU control system, with promises of untold economic success and riches. So this time, it is Greed that won them over and not Fear. The old Fascists were wrong to try and win by brutality and war, they however created the blueprint for the EU which is now being implemented by the unelected technocrats in Brussels.

David Cameron should not be underestimated in his usage of propaganda and spin techniques employed to lie to the people. Through clever and constant application of his propaganda, the people will be made to see paradise as hell, and also the other way around, to consider the most wretched sort of life as paradise. He will, of course, portray a kind caring face to the public; as a family man; someone who speaks ‘common sense’, however, his allegiance is nowhere with the people — it never was in the first place. The people were fooled once again, and they will continue to be fooled after he is long gone.

Cruel CBS Bosses Stick Young Blonde Ex-Swimwear Model in Middle of Egyptian Mob

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“We couldn’t believe it. We ordered this young beautiful reporter with her smooth pale skin and blonde hair to go bang into the middle of a mob of crazy Egyptians celebrating in Tahrir Square. They’d never been up close to such a beauty and in a country where women wear Burqas, we don’t understand how she was sexually assaulted multiple times only to be rescued by the Egyptian Army,” Ron Weinstein, senior segment producer for CBS news said from his luxurious office in Washington DC.

Surely the CBS hierarchy who order reporters into situations could not have been so naive?

“I don’t know how this could have happened. We ordered Lara Logan to go and report right in the middle of the sexually frustrated baying crowds of young Egyptian men. They must have thought it was Christmas, Ramadan and Hanukkah all rolled into one!” another CBS producer quipped before driving off in his Lamborghini Countach.

Next Week, CBS producers want to send Ms Logan into a Guatemalan jail armed only with a Polaroid camera and a skimpy blouse.

Al Qaeda Leaders Praise Obama on Record U.S. Deficit

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“Sheeit! We couldn’t have done it better. This dude has spent so much money on nothing that he’s created a big black hole of debt that no one can get out of. Spending millions on Air Force One, bogus bailouts and a Health Care system that is guaranteed to bankrupt America. Heck, his six day Hawaiian vacation cost the US taxpayer $24 million alone. We got to hand it to the boy. He done good, dammit!” Waqim al Sammarah, a high ranking Al Qaeda terrorist said on a tape released to Al Jazeera on Monday night.

Looking at the figures, even Bush junior didn’t get close to the spending spree Obama has gone on.

“You had the socialist Gordon Brown do the same thing in the UK. Now we got another socialist idiot tearing up the money and throwing it into a bottomless pit in the US. The former British PM Margaret Thatcher once said: ‘The trouble with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money’ and she was right on the ball with that one for sure,” Republican congressman, Edward Dean, said yesterday on Capitol Hill.

Another Al Qaeda operative, Musharef Al Binny, said on the tape: “Masha Allah to Obama. He has hit the U.S. with more bombs than we could ever hope for. Not only are they now bogged down in two quagmire wars that are costing them hundreds of millions of dollars per day, but they have a useless spendthrift wimp like Obama using up their cash like there’s no tomorrow. Who’s bankrolling this shit? Well, the Chinese of course — but for how long? Even they’ll get fed up sooner or later. Anyway, we want to thank the people that voted for Obama in the first place. Great job guys!”