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Anglican Churches Forced to Install Gay Bath Houses

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The new initiative pushed through by Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, will involve massive renovations to all the churches in the British Isles.

Equalities Minister Lynne Featherstone is to propose pushing through the gay bath house bill making it compulsory to include bath houses at all religious settings in England and Wales.

“We’ll have bath houses where the men and priests can congregate and even a viewing gallery where Coalition church bath house inspectors can ensure that the gay orgies within the churches are conducted in a gay enough manner,” Arch Deacon of the Bristol Diocese, Henry Felcher, told the BBC.

Already, there has been interest from some celebrities like George Michael and Sir Elton John.

“We’ll be going to church a lot more often in England now. I’ll bring the baby I recently bought with me to tell him about the bees and the bees,” Sir Elton John told the Los Angeles Times.

George Michael has also requested the Coalition government install men’s urinals in the churches to facilitate the Christian cottaging population.

“When I walk into the church I want to smell the urinals. They can have cubicles right next to the altar,” Michael said, attending an opening ceremony at a church in Highgate, North London.

The Catholic church, however, has dismissed the new Church of England rulings as ‘atrocious’.

Speaking from the Vatican, Pope Benedict said: “Gays in the church? The Catholic church does not agree that gays should marry in church, for a start, our priests do not marry, and furthermore, they are bound to the utmost secrecy when buggering young boys.”

Egyptians Get Freedom to Vote in Islamic Radicals

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“We all know what Democracy means in the Middle East. It’s the ability to vote in Islamic fundamentalists. It happened in Palestine so why not in Egypt? Thank you America for your help in toppling Hosni Mubarak,” Ibn bin Shister, a professor at Cairo University told the BBC.

US President Barack Obama said he “welcomed the historic change that has been made by the Egyptian people goaded on by Intelligence agencies from external countries, naming no names, of course”.

What the West does not understand is that they installed Mubarak thirty years ago for a very good reason. It seems the people in power in countries like America and Britain in those days understood how the Middle East works a lot better than the naive idiots in charge now.

Freedom?

“The Middle East cannot have a so-called ‘Democracy’ when we don’t have one ourselves. Arab countries can only be ruled by dictatorship. This is the Islamic way. Democracy is not an Islamic political system, and it never will be. Even Turkey, which used to pride itself on its secular stance has now pretty much reverted to full Islamification. Saying that, of course, the fundamentalists will rush in to take power over Egypt now that the previously American backed despot, Mubarak, is gone. The Muslim Brotherhood has ties and origins with the Masonic societies of Europe. Prepare yourselves for further disruption, maybe another Suez crisis and oil up to $500 minimum. It won’t happen overnight but chaos and anarchy needs time to fester. Chao Ab Ordo. The disease will naturally spread across the Middle East, because the rise of the internet makes information amongst the previously brainwashed more readily available; then they realise how they have been duped for so long by their controllers,” a Pentagon official revealed to the Jerusalem Post.

Within this strategic ‘cluster f*ck’ will, of course be, Israel, bang in the middle of the hornets nest.

“Israel is in grave danger more so now than it ever was. The U.N, who set up Israel in the first place, knew in 1947 that the ‘Israel project’ was a suicide mission. It doesn’t matter how many nuclear weapons they own or how much money America throws at it, eventually there will come a day when it is overrun and flattened. This will happen purely because of it’s location, right in the most inhospitable place in the world for Jews. If the U.N. and Britain had created Israel in Madagascar, we would not be having these problems now. If the Jews had stayed in Europe, then there would not be these troubles now,” the Pentagon official added.

Once Egypt is compromised, the whole of the Middle East is merely a stepping stone for the ‘change’ that is to come. The shock waves from the ensuing anarchy will then reverberate around the globe and possibly be a catalyst for further unrest, even in the ‘safe’ West.

Genuine Guitarists Relieved After Guitar Hero Game Demise

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What used to take hours of noodling around on the guitar in the bedroom was bastardized and soiled by Guitar Hero, many real guitarists claim.

“It would take many years to really learn the guitar. You have to know all the intricate scales, the massive chord vocabulary and also get the feel right, you know, your own style. Hours and hours of intricate practice daily and an unwavering dedication to carry on whilst other lesser kids were out there playing silly games. Then Guitar Hero the game came out, and suddenly playing guitar was trivialised to a level below drumming,” Yngwie Vai, 24, a seasoned bedroom guitarist told Guitar Weekly magazine.

Another real guitarist, Joseph von Satriani, from San Francisco, said: “The Guitar Hero game had no relation to the real guitar and was only a vehicle for idiots to think they could play the guitar. You try and play an Emaj9 and then a complicated Django Reinhardt jazz scale on one of those plastic guitars with about five buttons on them. It made a mockery of real guitarists.”

“I can understand the game DJ Hero being on the Xbox because to be a DJ there’s no skill or musicality involved apart from mixing one song that someone else wrote into another song that someone else wrote. Now that game was made for the games consoles, but guitars are for real musicians not assholes who can’t play a note on any instrument,” another musician revealed.

Paris Hilton Converts to Buddhism

“What can we say, Paris thought she was into that other religion last week but she gets bored all too easily. Besides, the praying five times a day thing with fasting was really getting on her tits. She likes to dress in fetish gear daily as well, and underneath her Burqa it was getting way too stinky,” Mr Brinkham revealed.

What was tipped as a major turning point in Islamic Western relations has now turned into a farce of epic proportions with even President Obama getting involved.

“I keep getting Middle Eastern leaders phoning me on the hotline praising Paris Hilton for her conversion to Islam. I then try to explain to them who Paris Hilton is, but they don’t get it,” a frustrated Barack Obama relayed through his press office.

parisguru 

 

 

The former glamour model and ex-heiress, who has slept with a reputed 12,000 people so far, seems to be finally reaching enlightenment and celebrated her spiritual journey yesterday by splashing out on a pair of $8,000 shoes.

She met former felon, Bodhidharma Mahatma Ibn Himar during the same retail therapy session at the famous Rodeo Drive shopping area in Beverly Hills and was convinced to join his Buddhist sect.

“I think this time this is the right religion for her. Although I have to say she has been through about 23 religions and cults this year alone,” her sister, Nicky Hilton told TMZ.

Paris’ latest boyfriend, Brad Mullet, opined: “Paris tried Islam for a week. Now she’s being mentored by a Buddhist monk and I guess two weeks from now she might try something else.”

Michael Moore Eats Own Money

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“For breakfast I might eat $10,000 in raw cash, then for lunch, maybe $30,000 and by dinner I like to tuck down to at least $60,000,” Mr Moore revealed to American talk show host, Jon Stewart.

His voracious appetite for hard cash is legendary and sometimes he is seen snacking on thousand dollar bills in the Manhattan streets and cafes.

“Yeah, sometimes Michael comes in here. He’ll order half the menu, then we watch as he sticks a few thousand dollar bills on the rye bread or omelette. He scoffs that shit down and you should see the look of happiness on his face. He gets a real capitalist thrill out of it,” Jonty Mancuso, a diner owner on 43rd Street told CNN.

Michael Moore’s films have made so much cash denigrating capitalism that he even uses it as toilet paper.

“I had a nice cash shit today in the bowl. It was a capitalist bowl, and while I was doing it, I was drinking champagne, that’s what a good socialist I am,” Mr Moore quipped as he took another wad of thousand dollar bills to wipe his enormous arsehole with.

Former Sports Presenter Andy Gray Spotted Walking in Park

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“He’s been distraught since he lost the top job at Sky. Now he spends his days moping around the park, maybe swinging from a few trees and playing with old tires hanging on a rope,” his keeper, Michelle Swanley told Sky news.

Spectators at the park are always commenting on how entertaining Gray is to watch.

“He’ll sniff the air if he sees some women around, then beat his chest wildly whooping loudly. You have to watch out because he gets a bit excited sometimes and he likes to spray the area; and anyone who’s in the way always gets splattered,” Jenny Linesman, a regular at the park revealed.

Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs On Run Again After Bank Robbery

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“This time he robbed a bank in Stepney, East London. He was last seen going towards Bethnal Green on a mobility scooter. If anyone encounters this notorious criminal, you must report his whereabouts to the Met Police immediately, but do not try to apprehend him yourself. He is extremely dangerous,” DCI Hibbleswaide, told Crimewatch UK last night.

Ronald Arthur “Ronnie” Biggs is best known for his role in the Great Train Robbery of 1963, for his escape from prison in 1965, for living as a fugitive for 36 years and for his various publicity stunts while in exile. In 2001, he voluntarily returned to Britain and spent several years in prison, where his health rapidly declined. On 6 August 2009, Biggs was released from prison on compassionate grounds. He was assumed to be ‘harmless’ by the authorities until yesterday when he robbed another bank.

Witnesses at the HSBC branch in Stepney said they saw Mr. Biggs, 81, rush into the bank at speeds of upto 2 mph whilst still on his mobility scooter. He then proceeded to tell all the cashiers and customers to get on the floor face down or get a “good whacking from my stick.”

“He came in like a bat out of hell. He had a wooden stick and he started to wave this thing around as if it was a tennis racket, so we got down sharpish. The cashiers handed over the money and he was gone in a flash. He smashed through one of the doors on the way out with his little scooter,” Jane Dibbner, 37, one of the terrified witnesses recalled.

HSBC bank has declined to reveal the amount of cash that was stolen, but some say it could be in the thousands.

Underworld sources have revealed that Mr. Biggs has been itching for one last heist before he pops his clogs.

Egyptian Fashion Week Displays Some Trendy Hats

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“This hat season has certainly been interesting. We have seen some fabulous creations all handcrafted and displaying wonderful styles that may even make it to Paris and Milan,” Andre Artudo, fashion correspondent for Al Jazeera reported.

Many of the hat designers are all keen to show off their wares and have toiled long and hard to create the new look that is rocking the casbah.

“I made my hat out of some bread rolls and cellophane. It protects you from the sun somewhat and is reasonably functional, although this piece of rock I have wedged  deep in my cranium gives away the fact that it’s not so good at protecting from falling rocks,” Abdul Karim, 43, one of the hat designers displaying their creations at the show said before being stretchered away.

Another designer said: “My fashion studio is just a stones throw away from Tahrir square where we show off our lovely hats. This year we got our rocks off with our crazy hats, don’t you think?”

Paris Hilton Converts to Islam

“She has been toying with the idea for quite a while now and when she was imprisoned at Century Regional Detention Facility in 2007,  she encountered a few people who had already converted,” Mr Brinkham said.

By converting to the Muslim faith, Paris Hilton has decided to shun her old life as a celebrity skank.

Speaking from an Islamic study retreat in Jeddah, she said: “I have now found total peace in my life. Before, I used to be known as an STD-ridden streetwalker , a ‘hoe’ and a person of loose morals, but now, things have changed. Allah be praised.”

Hollywood Jihad

Ms Hilton plans to return to Los Angeles next week to start her own Islamic school in the middle of Beverly Hills.

“Forget Scientology or Kaballah. This is the religion to be in now. I’m not going to be wearing a piece of red string on my wrist or walk around like a robot talking to Xenu. Islam is the new must-have religion. and I’m going to spread the word of the Koran to everyone,” an excited Paris Hilton said.

Paris Hilton also plans to change her name to ‘Tahirah’ which means ‘Pure, chaste’ in Arabic. Her Islamic school will open in July and is set to become a popular Hollywood spiritual haunt for many celebrities.

Charlie Sheen Tries to Snort Diner’s Dandruff

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Patron’s of Henry’s Deli desperately tried to assist the man after the vicious attack on his toupee by wayward former actor Charlie Sheen.

They immediately called 911 and a dispatch of seventeen police cars arrived in less than three minutes.

“The Police had to literally drag Mr Sheen off the 78-year-old’s head. Poor old bastard was just sitting there eating his mush, and I saw Charlie Sheen jump on the critter like he was a wild animal or something and start snorting his fuckin’ head,” one of the owners of the world famous deli, Ernie Azoff, told the LA Times.

“It’s a good thing I fought in the war. This guy came at me like a Jap at Iwo Jima. He had wild eyes and he was snorting like some kind of greedy piggy. I was eating my mashed potato which I come in here to eat everyday because I ain’t got no teeth, I just bought this toupee yesterday too, damn it,” Sam Woodie, the victim of the whole sorry affair revealed.

Mr Sheen was taken to a secure facility and will have to be sedated with tranquilisers until he is capable of being interviewed by police investigators later today, the LAPD has revealed.