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Mubarak Could Be Mummified Egyptians Claim

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Mubarak Could Be Mummified Egyptians Claim

Professor Bin Ali at Cairo’s world famous museum said: “I have been consulted by many protesters about the process of mummification. They want me to supervise them when they finally catch Mubarak.”

Some protesters were however not so happy about the mummification proposals and voiced their anger.

“Mummification means that the body is preserved. F*ck that for a laugh, we don’t want Hosni preserved, we want the idiot to disappear,” Jallilli bin Abdul Ginsters Mahmoudi, a resident of Cairo told Al Jazeera news.

As the daily riots and lawless anarchy continues in the beleaguered country, political commentators are also claiming that Hosni Mubarak may be getting help from ex-prime minister, Gordon Brown.

“Certainly we think that Gordon Brown has been on the phone to this guy Mubarak. He’s been giving him tips on how to hold onto his unelected position of power,” Mohamed Fandango, an opposition party member told the BBC.

Tech Companies to Airdrop Gadgets onto Lost Amazonian Tribe

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Tech Companies to Airdrop Gadgets onto Lost Amazonian Tribe

The Amazonian tribe are believed to be the long lost Ifon tribe, and their their community has never had any contact from outsiders.

“It is crucial that this long lost tribe are integrated into the modern world immediately. This is why we have consulted the world’s tech companies to give us their gadgets so that we can airdrop their products onto the lost tribe’s village.” President Alan García said at a press conference on Tuesday.

The gadget laden package will be dropped by a cargo plane from 8,000 feet and the essential supplies should ensure the tribal members will enter the 21st century with an electronic smile.

“Soon we’ll have these Indians twittering, facebooking, talking on their iphones and comparing notes on their ipads. The amount of gadgets we have packed into the container is astounding. We also have 3D HD TVs, Blueray DVDs and playstations galore. I want to see their faces when they take these amazing gadgets into their straw shacks, jump into their hammocks and get texting,” Arthur Conan Boyle, CEO for Blueberry revealed in Tech Soup magazine.

Met Police War Criminal Hotspot Website Reveals Tony Blair's House

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Met Police War Criminal Hotspot Website Reveals Tony Blair's House

Speaking from the Met’s head quarters at Scotland Yard, the man in charge of the operation, DCI Headwind, said: “We have reason to believe that a number of war criminals are living in London and that is why we have published the information on our new War Criminal Hotspots website. As you may already know, the kingpin of all war criminals, Tony Blair, is living in a massive mansion in Connaught Square, of which we have published the aforesaid address on the internet. Members of the public may peruse the whereabouts of this man and may see if he lives near their place of abode. This is the purpose of the new website launched by the police force today.”

After the website was launched, there was such a huge amount of web traffic to the site that the servers were shut down momentarily.

“I wanted to see if Blair, the war criminal, lived near me. No one wants a bloody war criminal living near their house do they? I live out in Tottenham so I’m safe, although the regular crime here is so intense sometimes that one needs a bulletproof vest just to go to the offie,” Alf Newham, 58, told the BBC.

Americans Not Fooled by Moron

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Americans Not Fooled by Moron

“The Brits tried to ship this guy over from the UK but we don’t want him. He’s a smarmy limey and he ain’t gonna last. Bring back Larry all the way. This guy sucks shit! He’s worse than that British Petroleum CEO and that’s saying something.”

Moron’s ratings disaster in America should ensure that he will be on a boat back to England soon, but many are angry that this calamitous scenario could really play out.

“He should stay in America. Let them suffer the slimy swine,” an angry British TV viewer opined.

If Piers Moron threatens to come back to the UK’s shores after he is shown the door, many have vowed to throw their TVs away and discontinue paying their licenses.

“Every time he comes on the screen I throw things at the telly. Don’t care if it’s my dog, my wife or my cat. I can’t stand looking at his smarmy face on every show. I just want to punch the disgusting smirk off his face,” Gerald Potts, 67, a retired postman told the BBC.

Italian National Anthem to Include 'Bunga Bunga' Chorus

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Italian National Anthem to Include 'Bunga Bunga' Chorus

 

“Silvio personally ordered the changes himself. He says he wants to leave his mark on the Italian psyche forever. We then brought in the best composers and musicians so we could re-record the piece with the new Bunga Bunga chorus,” Giovanni Anjeli, Mr Berluscon’s fixer-upper told La Stampa.

Italians are firecely proud of their national anthem and as yet have not been told of the changes.

“We are sure there will be some people who do not like to hear the Bunga Bunga in the Canto Italiani but tough luck, there’s nothing they can do about it. Silvio is in charge and if he wants Bunga Bunga he gets it,” Mr Anjeli added.

The chorus will read:

Tessete o fanciulle Bunga Bunga
bandiere e coccarde Bunga Bunga
fan l’alme gagliarde Bunga Bunga
l’invito d’amor Bunga Bunga

The new working of the Italian national anthem will be broadcast next week on Rai Uno, and will be sung by semi-naked starlets, all bedded by Berlusconi himself.

U.S. Main Export of Terror Doing Well Says Hillary Clinton

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U.S. Main Export of Terror Doing Well Says Hillary Clinton

“Regime Change is a nice phrase, but we all know that it’s really ‘state sanctioned terrorism’ backed by the CIA. We’ve been doing it for years and we’re damn good at it. With Egypt, we pretend to back the ruling despot Hosni Mubarak, who we installed in the first place, but we also back militant leaders who want to take over. We did the same in Iraq, Tunisia, Iran and pretty much all of South America,” Mrs Clinton said at a recent press conference.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischner said: “We’re bringing Freedom to the Middle East. You know, on the end of a gun barrel. They now have more Freedom to kill themselves and that can only be a good thing. Remember folks, a dead towel-head is a good thing, and you heard it right from the White House.”

U.S. sanctioned terror has had a colourful history and has been instrumental in bringing terror, murder and mayhem to hundreds of countries worldwide.

“We don’t just export peanut butter and awful sitcoms, we’re experts in creating unrest around the world. We sell these people the weapons, then we start the fire, and then we sit back in our armchairs, break out the popcorn and Schlitz and watch it live on Fox,” Earl Huberstench, a political commentator said on his weekly radio show.

There have been some murmurs and noises from lame duck president Obama, but he’s been more interested in cowering under the desk in his office in the Oval room to do anything of any importance.

“Whenever I go into the Oval room I try and find Barry. I say ‘Hey man where are you?’ then I hear a noise from under his desk. He’s down there, his teeth chattering and he’s scared shitless, he doesn’t know what to do.” Vice President, Joe Biden, told CNN.

Eighties Mobile Phones Now All the Rage

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Eighties Mobile Phones Now All the Rage

Eighties mobile phones are now making a comeback and sales of retro phones are reaching fever pitch, phone companies have revealed.

“I threw away my smart phone yesterday. It was too small, had all this nonsense on it and was way too fiddly. Now I go around with a real mobile phone. It’s like a brick, you can knock people out with this thing,” Ed Masters, a stockbroker at a Wall Street bank said.

“Modern phones are pathetic. I want a phone with fuckin’ balls. I don’t want to fiddle on a blackberry, dingleberry or whatever’s tiny keyboard and then lose the signal, because there ain’t no antennae. Look at this monster. The aerial is huge and I don’t lose a signal. It holds five telephone  numbers. That’s all you need in life, I tell you. As for the battery for this thing, I have to carry it around on a trolley,” Robbie Kantinski, another broker revealed.

News of The World to Offer Subscription Celebrity Hacking Service

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News of The World to Offer Subscription Celebrity Hacking Service

“The News of the World website is subscription only, so I thought we could have the phone hacking on subscription as well. You know, you pay us money and then we’ll hack your phone, then sell the tapes to people who will pay to listen to your private celebrity conversations,” Mr Murdoch said.

Already celebrities, politicians, and Royals are lining up to be bugged and hacked by the News of the World.

“I’m not an attention seeker or anyfink, but I just called the News of the World to hack my phone. I guess I’ve had everything else on my body hacked so why not my phone, innit?” ex-glamour model, Katie Price told the news of the World on her bugged phone.

Speaking from his constituency in Fife, Gordon Brown said: “The News of the World hacked into my phone. How else could they have known that I was an incompetent power mad prescription drug addled buffoon?”

The new hacking subscription service to be launched by Murdoch’s company will ensure that the public will have fresh supplies of filthy news scandals on their front pages forever.

"Abandon Ship, Abandon Ship!"

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"Abandon Ship, Abandon Ship!"

Like rats from a sinking ship, top bankers and businesses are abandoning the UK as it slowly sinks into the debt-ridden mire caused partly by the useless Coalition government’s economic mistakes that will ensure we all go back to the stone age soon.

“Old Georgey Osborne, he just got back from Klosters and increased tax to such a rate that the destitute people are well and truly fucked. There’s no way out now but down the sink hole,” a businessman who dumped his business of 35 years to leave the UK said yesterday.

How about stimulating growth by decreasing tax, therefore increasing enterprise in the UK? Fat chance!

“Fuel duty and tax is now 85% of the price. Income tax is now so high that one has to work for six months of the year before you start making any money for yourself. The NHS is crumbling. VAT has risen to 20% on everything. Council Tax is increasing daily, and pensions will now be worthless as the FTSE 100 is set to sink into the mire like the GBP is doing right now. Food costs are now criminal, and if you’ve even got a job left, your salary won’t buy much anyway,” another businessman said before boarding another aeroplane out of Britain yesterday.

The mass exodus of enterprise, business, banking sector workers and non-doms will take its toll as even more inhibitive taxes are unveiled by the meddling Coalition government, who have shown themselves to be rank amateurs when it comes to economics.

Speaking at a Commons question time session yesterday, Chancellor George Osborne said: “I intend to stimulate growth in the UK economy by increasing taxation to such a level that the UK grinds to a complete halt and all the businesses leave our shattered economy and country permanently.”

Gordon Brown was shit but this is even worse. Wait till they start increasing the interest rates to try and curb inflation.

Lucas and Spielberg Building Spaceship to be Launched

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Lucas and Spielberg Building Spaceship to be Launched

Contrary to rumours circulating around the internet, this is not a hoax.

NASA confirmed on Friday that the two Hollywood producers, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, are close to completing the rocket ship that will propel them to a safe habitable planet prior to the upcoming apocalypse in 2012.

“They’re not taking chances here. They know for sure what the Mayans wrote about, and they got a bucket load of money and told us to build ’em a space ship. They’re also going to take a few rolls of film so they can still make movies from the new planet. If the earth is still there after the apocalypse, they plan to transmit the movies from their new planet so the few surviving people on earth can at least have some good entertainment. But we told ’em that there might not be electricity on earth after the apocalypse. They still want to make movies though, they’re so dedicated to their art,” the NASA spokesman, Ian Merrick, told CNN.

The Star Wars Voyager space rocket will take about 45 years to reach the new planet’s orbit. There will be no end of entertainment on board with spacious compartments where films will be shown, a games room with pool tables and retro arcade games will also grace the craft.

“We’re even going to have a swimming pool installed so that the producers and their families can enjoy themselves whilst hurtling towards the KV673 system,” an engineer working on the project divulged.

No one has explained, however, how the swimming pool will function in zero gravity conditions on board the luxury space rocket.

The space ship will also carry about 350 tonnes of gold bullion, only a fifth of what the two producers are worth.

“We’re taking some pocket change in case we have to barter with aliens or whatever is out there. I feel kind of short changed though because I’m leaving the majority of my fortune behind on the doomed earth, but when it’s your life or riches, I choose life,” Mr Spielberg joked at a recent screening session in Studio City.

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