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Home Blog Page 701

When Uncle Hu Visited Washington

World

January 20, 2011

“There’s really nothing to see here, Uncle Hu was just visiting to say Hi and to see how the business he bought is doing? He also wanted to know how the Soviet integration in the U.S. was going. I showed him that the U.S. is working well for China and that Uncle Hu’s purchase was under control,” Barack Obama said at the White House Oval Room.

Since China purchased the U.S. last year at a very competitive price, China’s portfolio of acquisitions has increased remarkably.

Mr Hu said at a recent conference: “Not only have we purchased large swathes of Europe, but we now own most of America too. We made so much money manufacturing cheap plastic trinkets for you suckers that we don’t know what else to buy. Hey, maybe Australia might be next on the list, or how about those fathead Japanese who are in so much debt?”

After the photo call in the Oval Room, President Barack Obama was seen bowing so low to Uncle Hu that he practically kissed his shoes.

Gordon Brown Warns Against Mass Youth Unemployment Epidemic Caused by His Policies

World

Aldridge McGready

January 20, 2011

Gordon Brown Warns Against Mass Youth Unemployment Epidemic Caused by His Policies

Gordon Brown will warn today that the world faces economic and social turmoil of “epidemic proportions”, as he urges joint action by the G20 group of developed and developing nations to tackle rising joblessness, economic turmoil and disaster caused by his policies when he was Labour leader and Chancellor.

“The Gordon Brown Disaster”

During a speech in London, the former prime minister will call for all current world leaders to take the lead in trying to fix the massive global and national social economic disaster created by his tenure in government that is currently plaguing the world.

“It was because of my boom and bust policies, total wastage of resources, ridiculous spending sprees on tin-pot ideas and utter disregard for the general population or future generations, that we are in this utter mess right now. This is why I urge all current leaders to try and fix the total destruction the Labour party under my direction has created worldwide and internally in Britain,” Brown will say in the Ted Kennedy/John Harvard memorial lecture.

With some market analysts predicting that there is no hope left in the UK and it will edge closer to the precipice of total destruction soon, the former prime minister will say: “You guys fix it. It was my mess, but I got out, now you fuckers can fix it.”

Brown will add: “I claimed to have fixed the world’s economy over four times already when I was in mid destruction mode. Of course that was a big lie. Everyone’s in the shit and we don’t have any money. That’s because I spent it all and now it’s all bloody gone.”

Brown will also say that the G20 will have to make action on getting him another job.

“No one in their right mind would want to employ me ever again. Not after what I’ve done, but I’m sure I’ll soon be on the money circuit like that other pariah, Tony,” he will add.

Mr Brown is set to receive about £120 for his two hour speech, which is a far cry from the £75,000 Tony Blair commands per 45 minute speaking session to rich American businessmen.

Ricky Gervais Nominated to Present Oscars

Entertainment

Aldridge McGready

January 18, 2011

Ricky Gervais Nominated to Present Oscars

“We Americans adore Gervais since he’s moved here. Hell, we like him so much, we reckon he should present for the Oscars too. People think us narcissistic Hollywood types are stuck up our own arses with no sense of humour. He’s shown us the delights of British humour, and we’ve been eating it up with gusto,” Hollywood mogul, Dino Schwartz, told the LA Times.

Such is the aura of praise for Gervais, that many Hollywood stars gush over the mere mention of his name.

“Ricky Gervais? You mean the British guy? Well, I have to say, usually we don’t understand a frickin’ word he says anyway. It’s like some different kind of language. Americans also don’t understand intricate humour or subtlety either, so that’s why he had to be as blunt as he was tonight — he has to spell things out until we Yanks understand him,” one of the stars at the event explained.

Tom Cruise, who attended with his wife, was all praise for the comedian: “Just before I got here for the awards, I was in my walk-in closet pondering what tie I should put on, and I thought to myself, this is going to be one hell of an evening with that English guy, Gervais. I wanted to impress him with my Scatology cult styles, so I chose the one with the rainbow on it.”

Another Golden Globe attendee said: “Some people say that us Yanks don’t have much of a sense of humour. Well after tonight, that Limey bastard, Gervais, might just find his feet in a fuckin’ concrete block right before he takes a long walk off a short pier,” top Hollywood producer, Cohen Katzengoldberger, shouted angrily before speeding off in his Ferrari.

Unsocial Networking Sites Popular Now

Entertainment

Aldridge McGready

January 18, 2011

“This is f*cking great. I don’t have to mow someone’s farm or get a chicken egg to roost, join someone’s stupid group about terrorist barn owls, or talk to some asshole I used to know at school once,” Rastaf Mueller, 24, an unsocial networking enthusiast told Wired magazine.

The new unsocial networking sites actually celebrate how less your friend count is, which is obviously the exact opposite of social networking sites.

“I used to enjoy collecting so-called friends on social networking sites and at one point I had over 5,400 ‘friends’. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know one person on the site,” Mr Mueller said.

Unsocial networking sites like: Goawaystinkingturd.com, and Leavemealoneyousod.com, and Nomorezuckerburg.com are now all the rage.

“It’s like a breath of fresh unsocial air. I haven’t been asked to social game, download apps, friend people, have marketers trying to sell me stuff I don’t need, keep up with the Joneses or discuss inane mundane subjects that frankly bore me to tears,” Jane Horovitz, 20, another unsocial networking enthusiast revealed.

Daily Squib Tunisian Holiday Giveaway Competition

World

Aldridge McGready

January 17, 2011

Fed up of the daily grind of going back to work after the recent Christmas and New Year break?

The Daily Squib’s Tunisian Getaway promotion comes at the perfect time – just when people are getting back to the gruelling 9-5 hell that is work. Every day until Sunday 27th February, readers can get involved in this great promotion from the Daily Squib.

We will be giving away hundreds of sunny breaks where you can enjoy the solitude of baying mobs, gunfire and Molotov cocktails.

Competition winners will have a choice of three spectacular resorts to choose from:

The Ben Ali Resort – A luxurious Four Star resort set in the hills overlooking the capital city. Amenities include: Daily beatings in the tennis courts, dunking in the swimming pool and flame grilled roasts in the evening. Relax on a sun lounger as the tanks roll by and sip your Pina Colada whilst the riot police descend onto the pool terrace to beat the living shit out of the guests and anyone else who is in the way.

Ali Seriati Resort – Enjoy lavish torture facilities as you are interrogated for three weeks in this solitary confinement five star facility deep in the desert.

The Trabelsi – Once you enter this alluring four star holiday resort, you won’t ever want to leave, or be able to.

Just answer this simple question to win your free three week stay in any of the spectacular resorts:

The ‘Molotov Cocktail’ was named after which person?

a) Richard Nixon

b) Vyacheslav Mikhailovich Molotov

c) Gordon Brown

Send a stamp addressed envelope with your answer to: Daily Squib Tunisia Comp, P.O. Box 3214, TUNIS, Tunisia

London Taxi Cabs On Strike

World

Aldridge McGready

January 14, 2011

“Have you seen the price of hay lately?” Reggie Carbunkle, a taxi driver taking me to Mornington Crescent, tells me disparagingly.

London cabbies are furious at the increase of the price of hay for the horses that pull their taxis, and want the government to do something about it.

“We stopped using petrol years ago because of the price, now it’s the hay they’ve got to. What are we going to bloody do now? My poor nag at home hasn’t eaten for a whole week, and my horse too, poor blighter,” Reggie said before clip clopping off into the distance.

These are the signs of the times. London taxi cabs are now getting ready to strike because the cost of hay is so high and the horses are all going hungry.

Sarah Palin Takes Over From Michael Palin in BBC 'Pole to Pole' Series

Entertainment

Aldridge McGready

January 14, 2011

Sarah Palin Takes Over From Michael Palin in BBC 'Pole to Pole' Series

“The Pole to Pole series needed a big injection of life, and that’s when we got the idea to dump the old Python, who frankly bores me to tears, and replace him with Sarah Palin. On her first day on the job, she actually shot and wounded the keygrip whilst wearing a low-cut top exposing her wonderful cleavage and caused a controversy by calling a Russian man a ‘drunk commie bastard’,” Rupert Weasel, producer for the BBC show revealed.

The Pole to Pole series used to involve Michael Palin travelling across the world where he would delight in the different cultures, traditions and religions encountered in the many countries visited.

The new series, however, will involve Sarah Palin practically invading each “tin-pot” country, telling off the locals for not being Americans, and spitting out the local cuisine onto the floor whilst swearing viciously at the attending locals with her potty mouth. She will insult pretty much everyone and display her complete ignorance about any other culture apart from America.

Already, the new Sarah Palin ‘Pole to Pole’ BBC series has had vast interest from the US, and the series is to supercede anything Michael Palin has previously done.

“A lot of Americans have never even been out of their state let alone the country, so they have no interest in Michael Palin seeing the wonders of the world in diverse countries. This is why Sarah Palin’s version will be a breath of fresh air in an already stale format. She won’t even know the name or location of the country we drop her in,” Mr Weasel added.

Sarah Palin’s Pole to Pole series begins in July 2010, on BBC World

World Leaders Hold Emergency Meeting to Save Katie Price Marriage

World

Aldridge McGready

January 13, 2011

World Leaders Hold Emergency Meeting to Save Katie Price Marriage

“This is a matter of grave importance to the world’s political, economic and social well-being. If their fake publicity-led marriage fails, the whole world could be plunged into complete darkness,” the worried Japanese Prime Minister, Naoto Kan, told reporters.

Some of the assembled world’s politicians who attended the summit included: Dmitry Medvedev, Angela Merkel, Barack Obama and Silvio Berlusconi, who were very concerned for the ailing celebrity couple.

“Even though I wouldn’t mind having a go at the loose fishwife, Katie, myself, I want her to stay with that dumb lug Alex Reid. They are such a cute couple,” the Italian premier, Mr Berlusconi said before jetting off to a brothel in Calabria.

After heated discussions lasting three days, the world leaders hope the Katie Price sham marriage will last forever so that world peace and prosperity for all can continue for decades to come.

Worldwide Mysterious Bird Deaths Finally Solved

World

Aldridge McGready

January 11, 2011

Worldwide Mysterious Bird Deaths Finally Solved

“After much research, we have finally come to the conclusion that Jesus is coming back soon and we are getting very close to the Rapture,” Professor Alex Pendleton, the chief scientist in charge of the emergency study into the bird deaths told Fox News.

According to many of the scholars, Jesus is flying around the earth at thousands of miles per hour waiting for the right time to land and it is because of the immense speed he is flying at that he is colliding with birds who are migrating back up north from their winter retreats in the southern hemisphere.

The Rapture

Jesus rapture

“Jesus is coming back for the Rapture when all the Christians will be lifted up and taken up to heaven, where they will live in paradise for all of eternity. He is circling the earth right now as we speak and when he lands there will be bright lights and sounds of angels blowing their trumpets and bassoons. If you ain’t a true Christian, you’re shit outta luck though. He’s definitely coming now because of all the troubles in the world. Gays in the military and Obama the Anti-Christ,” Professor Pendleton said.

Christian scholars from the institute previously said that the Rapture was meant to have occurred in 2009 but it was subsequently re-scheduled for 2010, that date did not materialise either, so hopefully 2011 will be the year that Jesus comes back to save the Christians from living on earth.

Radar Tracking Jesus

“We’ve been tracking him circling the earth for weeks now on radar and satellite. We use satellite trackers to see Jesus. He sure flies fast too. I saw him banking over the horizon last night and he zoomed past at about 12,000 km/h. Dang, it was a beautiful sight. He made a great big ‘whooshing’ sound as he flew past. I just got chills down my back and had to get down on my knees right there in the gas station to pray,” Edward Jonestown, another researcher working on the project said.

Some country folk, however, have sadly tried to shoot Jesus as he strafed their towns in the Midwest.

“We had some boys shooting at him thinkin’ he was an Iraqi attack airplane or the Russians. We had to go over to their trailer and tell them to stop shooting at Jesus. I think he’s bullet proof anyway, but still it’s disrespectful,” Merv Bart, a logger from Deans Creek in Wisconsin told CBS news.

There were also protests from wildlife preservation groups and animal rights activists who decry the fact that Jesus is out there killing birds because he’s flying so fast.

“He saved the birds in the cages in the temple in Jerusalem. So what’s he doing flying around killing all the blackbirds? I’ve reported him to the authorities and PETA,” Anna Bolic, an angry animal rights activist from Utah said.

MP Admits Not Fiddling Expenses

World

Aldridge McGready

January 11, 2011

The member for Trumpingfield Central was due to stand trial at Southwark Crown Court in London for admitting to the serious allegation of not stealing money while being a member of parliament.

“This is an utter disgrace to the profession of a politician in this country. We can’t have such nonsense going on from a member of parliament. It is giving us a bad name,” James Fetherington-Smythe, MP for Dagenham East told a parliamentary hearing yesterday.

The MP allegedly refused to accept a £65,000 bribe and even refused to steal £14,000 for his third property’s mortgage.

Mr Phuckah has since been ostracised by all politicians within Westminster and could even face a lengthy jail sentence if charged.

“He walked into the bar at Westminster last week and no one had the balls to look him in the eye. He just sat there at the bar, waited for a drink that never turned up, then walked out,” a Westminster insider recalled.

The MP for Trumpingfield South will be sentenced later on today.