Ed Balls Loses Testicles in Terrible Football Accident

SCUNTHORPE - England - Labour politician, Ed Balls, has lost both testicles in a horrendous football injury, his office has reported.

Mr Balls was playing 5-a-side football at a Labour party conference match when he tried to kick the ball. Both of his testicles were caught in the seam of his shorts and detached from his body. Ambulance crews were on the scene within minutes to stretcher Balls off the pitch, and a ball boy was recruited to try and locate Mr Balls’ balls.

“We found them near the penalty area, obviously he punted them halfway up the pitch. Poor bastard, I was about to offside him as well but after that I let him go. I figured he’s got worse things to worry about now, innit,” the game’s referee, Gerard Motherwell, told the Sun newspaper.

Surgeons were not able to disclose whether Mr Balls’ testicles will be able to be sewn back on and have remained silent about the terrible injury.

Mr Balls who is in a critical but stable condition at Scunthorpe General Hospital made no comment about the injury, but it is assumed he will resume his role as shadow chancellor as soon as he makes a recovery in a week or so.

  • Harris J

    That poor man it's not often I feel sorry for a politician and ED Balls I have to say is the worst of them but I wouldn't wish this on anyone, even him. I am sure the wonders of medical science may be able to work things out for him. If he's going NHS i'm not so sure tho. I presume with his credentials he will attend a private surgery.

  • lol

    Ouch! I hope they can sew em back on.