China Buys Europe

BRUSSELS - Belgium - In a last ditch effort to save the European project, China stepped in last night with its vast cheque book and bought the whole lot.

“Business is business, and when you have deals like this going, you’re not going to stand around, are you?” Xin Xam Long, Chinese Finance Minister, told Xinhua news network.

As portfolios go, owning the EU is one small step for the Chinese to owning the world. The Americans, who owe $4 trillion to China are also ripe for the picking, and if they don’t pay back every cent, the Chinese will make them pay one way or another.

“You don’t f*ck around with Uncle Chin. You pay up or he comes along with his goons and they stick a chopstick so far up your ass that you can make dim sum out of your tonsils. These guys don’t take no for an answer, plus they have a huge army, almost three or four times the size of the US army. Oh, I hear you saying that they have inferior weapons compared to the hi tech stuff the US has, well, you’re wrong. The Chinese have been spending the money they make on manufacturing cheap plastic junk to the West on upgrading weapons, and their spies sure like American science labs like Los Alamos and other so-called secret facilities. They probably know more about our weapons than we do,” Pentagon official, Charles Fitz, told the Washington Times.

As Nicolas Sarkozy was on bended knee yesterday begging Chinese premier, Hu Jintau, for assistance to the EU debt crisis, the Chinese knew that Chairman Mao would have approved highly of the situation and would have urged China to move with haste to procure the purchase of the EU lock stock and barrel.

“In China, we have an old proverb: ‘For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill’ and so, the great cloak of our esteemed Chairman reaches over the European plains and takes everything he can. Remember, that what is happening now, was planned 40 years ago, and by the looks of it, it’s all going exactly as it should,” a Chinese politburo official told Chinese state television on Wednesday.

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