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Get Rich Quick Schemer Uses Own Get Rich Scheme to Get Rich

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Get Rich Quick Schemer Uses Own Get Rich Scheme to Get Rich

After many years conning thousands of people out of their money with his bogus get-rich-quick schemes, Mr Topper has decided to embark on something that is completely unheard of in the world of get-rich-quick scammers — honesty.

“I will make you rich sucker”

The internet is full of them, people who create bogus schemes claiming to make you untold riches quickly. Your inbox is probably overflowing with these things as the spammers and scammers all vie for your cash. But one man has decided to try and take an honest path, he doesn’t want to scam you anymore, he wants to actually try his own get-rich-quick scheme and even attempt to make money from it.

Seen the Light

“I was selling this scheme that has a totally ridiculous idea to it that only a stupid moron would fall for. I was making $2000 per day selling the idea on the internet and the suckers were eating it up, but now I want to actually use the scam scheme and try to make some dough with it. I want to be honest. I gave all the money I made previously selling the scam to charity,” Topper said from his sprawling Florida home.

Like millions of scams across the internet there is no hope in hell for Mr Topper, a former scammer, who is doomed to never make money from his scheme.

“The guy’s an idiot. He fell for his own scam. Now that’s rule number one for professional internet scammers, spammers and crooks. Don’t get high on your own supply. He should’ve known that before he tried to go clean,” Ari Earlstein, another Florida internet scammer told Scam Weekly magazine.

Update: Since Mr Topper tried to go straight and try his own get-rich-quick scheme to get rich, he has lost his house, fleet of luxury cars, girlfriends, wife and computer.

Red Ed Joins Insipid Lame March With No Purpose

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Red Ed Joins Insipid Lame March With No Purpose

People should be angry with purpose and know what they want. In the case of the protesters ambling through the streets of London today, they have no vision, no purpose of what they should be fighting for or why. Is this a symptom of our jumbled times where there is no clear picture anymore, where black is sometimes white, where grey is sometimes black, or is there a simpler reason for this ineptitude? 

The protesters put it quite simply. They do not want cuts, but they don’t say anything about where they are going to get the money to pay for services that will have to be cut. Taxing the rich even more will simply result in more wealthy people leaving Britain forever thus being counter productive to the economy. The hypocritical union officials are all on vast salaries as were the Labour politicians during their spendthrift reign. How about tax dodgers like the Guardian newspaper? I’m sure the protesters won’t want to admit that small piece of detail.

These protesters, headed by Ed Milliband and Ed Balls, also don’t seem to mention the fact that it was the Labour government that recklessly spent all of Britain’s cash. What about Gordon Brown selling off Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market when he was Chancellor? No mention of that, of course.

The media mistakenly dubs the violent protesters as ‘anarchists’, however, since when have anarchists wanted to have big government invading everything? These people ‘rioting’ effetely are not anarchists, they are pissed off socialists. Anarchists want government smashed up totally, not enlarged.

Naturally, what usually happens during these inane useless excursions to the centre of town is a gaggle of disenchanted socialists end up throwing a bit of paint around and maybe lob a few pebbles at a Topshop or bank.

In other words, it’s all very polite and British. You won’t get a real skirmish like Tahrir Square or a real angry Parisian anarchic explosion, just a little squabble here and there, then the kettling begins and sooner or later after a few hours, it’s all over and everyone gets to go home on the tube.

All in all a nice day out for the champagne socialists and other misguided ignorant idiots with no knowledge about what’s really going on, who caused this mess we’re in in the first place, and how we should get the f*ck out of this mess. Their lame protests mean nothing and gain nothing, they have no purpose with their mindless impotent attempts at creating change and are all simply flailing around in the dark like the deluded bewildered stooges that they really are.

Osborne 1p Off Fuel Duty Causes Motorists to Hold Street Parties

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Osborne 1p Off Fuel Duty Causes Motorists to Hold Street Parties

 

“I’m so happy, instead of paying £120 to fill up my car, now I pay £116. This is such a relief I almost cried with joy,” Andy McFarther, 43, a supply teacher from Aberystwyth, Wales, told the Sun newspaper.

There was joy across the whole of Britain as the streets filled up with tables, decorations and revellers all whooping with delight.

Anne Dickinson from Bushygap in Northumberland said: “Thank you George Osborne, I can now drive my Datsun to the shop and back. This 1p off the 87% fuel tax rate has made an enormous difference.”

Motorists will now be only paying £6.50 per gallon, which is a great relief to many households in Britain.

“George Osborne wanted to give something back to the people, and with this 1p reduction, Britain’s economy will also be allowed to grow because this means that all vehicles will be able to travel for a few more yards at a cheaper cost,” Transport Minister, Roger Hole, told a Commons briefing yesterday.

Glow in the Dark Sushi Big Hit in New York

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Glow in the Dark Sushi Big Hit in New York

New York sushi fans are flocking to Yokio’s Radioactive Sushi Emporium on 34th Street to sample the amazing sushi on display.

“We just got a delivery from Fukushita, Japan, three days ago and this sushi is potent stuff. It glows in the f*cking dark. We don’t actually have to put the lights on at night because the green glow from the sushi lights up the whole place like daylight,” owner, Jim Sayonara, told WKZ34 news on Friday.

When patrons dine at the restaurant there is also a distinct clicking sound as the gamma radiation seeps into everything.

Yokio’s radioactive sushi chef, Akiro Hondo, prepares glowing raw fish

“I tried to eat some sushi last night and it not only glowed in the dark but I think it also mutated in front of me by growing some legs and walking away. I’m not sh*tting you,” Perdee Asshoe, 23, from Brooklyn said from her hospital bed in Queens.

Another diner said: “Everyone was green with envy when I told them I got a reservation here. I ate so much glowing green sushi that I bet my poop’s going to be green tomorrow — that is if my butt hasn’t melted off my body.”

Andrew Sold Daughters to Pay Fergie Debts

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Andrew Sold Daughters to Pay Fergie Debts

You all may be wondering why you haven’t seen princess Beatrice and Eugenie of late.

Well, that’s because they’ve both been sold off to billionaire sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

“He thought long and hard about the decision but was left with no choice. I think Andrew got twenty grand a piece for them. Yeah, so for both daughters he made forty grand which was used to pay off Fergie’s credit card bill for a single month,” Prince Andrew’s spokesman, Harold Jamon, told the BBC.

Even though the two girls are above fifteen years old and have officially left school, convicted paedo Epstein, was still interested in procuring the services of the princesses.

“They might still come in useful. He especially likes the wild eyed one. He said he wants to use her for hunting wild water voles in the Wisconsin countryside. Apparently, she can spot one of those critters from over 200 yards without the aid of binoculars; her eyes are so huge and stare with such intensity she is also used to scare away unwanted photographers and prosecutors. You don’t want to know what the other one has to do to please her new master,” Jamon revealed.

Now that Sarah Ferguson has had all her debts paid off, she can relax and rack up even more debts. Next time though, someone else might have to pay an even bigger price to pay off her reckless spending habits.

Midsomer Murders New Cast Pleases Equalities Minister

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Midsomer Murders New Cast Pleases Equalities Minister

“I want to keep my job so I have agreed to make the series look more realistic to Britain’s real population. We’re bringing in some rickshaws from Karachi and there’ll even be a mosque in one of the episodes,” True-May said as he was having his shoes shined by a little black boy on set.

Equalities Minister for the Coalition government, Deirdre Cunnie, demanded that ITV1 change the format for the all-white show.

“Walk down any high street in England, and you’ll see what the previous Labour government created. A wonderful cess-pool of immigrants from poor Third World and former Soviet Bloc countries who wear odd clothes, cannot speak a word of English and who refuse to integrate. The Coalition wants to uphold Labour’s mantle. We don’t want programs on telly with English people in them speaking f*cking English! It makes me so angry to see programs like Midsomer Murders with Anglo-Saxons seen walking around the countryside thinking they are from England and living in England. That’s why, I, as equalities minister have ordered Midsomer Murders to murder all the whities and stick in some ethnics,” Ms Cunnie said at a parliamentary hearing last week.

The new cast of Midsomer Murders wait for the filming to commence

According to national statistics, the Labour government let in 23 million immigrants from some of the world’s poorest countries between 1997 and 2010, and the Equalities Ministry wants TV programs to reflect this mass influx on the indigenous British population.

BBC newscaster, Prindeep Maganallawa, said: “Well, one only has to look at all the BBC newscasters during the Labour era. We had a good innings that’s for sure, everyone was either from Punjab, Rajasthan or Uttar Pradesh. I’ve seen a few English newscasters of late but they’re taking our bloody work from us. You would’ve thought that this was their f*cking country.”

When Jesus Comes Back He's Going to Look Up Sarah Palin First

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When Jesus Comes Back He's Going to Look Up Sarah Palin First

“I didn’t know Jesus was Jewish until yesterday when one of my speechwriters said so. I always thought he was Amish or something,” Mrs Palin said as she was escorted to the Wailing Wall to offer some prayers.

The former vice president also added further words of wisdom to her hosts on this remarkable visit to Israel.

“Unlike the guy in the White House now, I’m pro Jewish so I’ll be expecting y’all to vote for me in 2012. That’s why I made this trip here to Israel. Look at this huge Star of David I’m wearing around my frickin’ neck. It don’t get more obvious than that. To tell y’all the truth, I don’t even know if Israel is next to France? Can we visit Paris next?”

Unfortunately for Palin, the two day visit did not include excursions to Nazareth, Bethlehem or Paris.

“I was told that’s where the animals are kept and we should stay away. No one told us that Bethlehem is where the Palestinians are imprisoned. When Jesus comes back, I’ll be president and he’ll want his birthplace cleaned out for good. Dang, I’ll make goddamn sure about that too, I might even lend him one of my rifles. Then I’ll visit when all the Muslims have been neutralized. You betcha!” Sarah Palin said before leaving for the next leg of her pre-election world tour.

Dumbed Down Science Programs Made My Brain into Mush

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Dumbed Down Science Programs Made My Brain into Mush

“Astronomical shows revealing the wonders of the universe are now prevalent on the BBC. In a concerted effort to bring science to the masses, the BBC is paying celebrity scientists vast sums of taxpayers money to travel to hundreds of locations around the world and speak with very simple lingo in a condescending faux empathetic manner about the universe whilst loud electronica music blares out over a dumbed down astro-comical cum fest,” an old fuddy duddy from Scunthorpe, Jack Sparrow, 67, told BBC6 news.

There have been hundreds of complaints about the latest dumbing down exercise by the BBC.

Things Can Only Get Better

“I pay the BBC tax so that this jumped up charlatan can ponce around the world and have an extended poseur holiday as well as get paid for it? You must be joking,” retired colonel, John Mathers, from Gloucestershire, complained on last week’s Radio 4, Your Voice program.

And it’s not just the elderlies who are complaining, what about the legitimate scientists?

Professor Harold Jenkem from Oldham University said: “I’ve watched these supposed science programs from the BBC purportedly talking about the universe. All I saw was some prat calling himself professor Brian Cock prancing around posing at every opportunity with flashing lights all around him and loud electronic music blaring out. Couldn’t hear a fucking word he said, but looking at a transcript, it’s all elementary stuff. Why not commission real science programs and not this utter guff?”

On a positive note, maybe it is a good thing that science is being promoted to the masses, although, unfortunately to do this, it must first be dumbed down to a standard that borders upon levels that are offensively cretinous.

Here are some excerpts from the show, so you can make up your minds yourselves:

“Observing the night skies with the naked eye can only take us so far on our journey and wonders of our universe.”

“Advances in technology have brought us crafts that can take humans on expeditions beyond our planet.”

“The universe is a vast place.”

“The moon is not as big as the earth but is smaller than the sun.”

It's War!

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It's War!

“We got another war! I just had to change my pants again,” Roy Simmons, 34, a resident of Washington DC told CNN.

Earl Stubbins, a political commentator in Texas said: “This ain’t Shock and Awe but Operation Oddyssey Dawn. Oh god what a beautiful name for a campaign. Excuse me while I go to the toilet to jack off at the thrill of it.”

As the rolling news stories keep repeating the same clips and bringing out the experts dug up from some obscure institutions, get ready to bring out the popcorn and booze to watch your share of gratuitous war.

“This is our third war and I’m salivating so much, I might need a bucket soon,” Arnold Gunther, 45, some guy from Bristol told the BBC.

We’ve had the foreplay with the build up, Obama stuttering, the teasing, the UN council meetings and votes, now we’ve got the action and next we’ll have the money shot with Gaddafi’s head on a stick and pictures of oil platforms pumping that beautiful black gold into tankers moored off the coast, ready to set sail for the West.

Dithering Obama Fiddles While Rome Burns

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Dithering Obama Fiddles While Rome Burns

“People are dying in Libya and Japan while Obama is sitting on his ass dithering like a ninny. This guy couldn’t punch his way out of a paper bag, this guy is so yella that I bet he leaves streaks on the floor when he walks. This guy makes Jimmy Carter look like Attila the f*ckin’ Hun!” a disgruntled White House official revealed on Wednesday.

Too little Too late

Let us face it, the Daily Squib knew from the beginning that Obama was a wet f*rt and was not going to amount to anything, but amongst the brainwashing sessions from the White House during the election campaign, people thought that the sun shone out of his arse at the beginning of his presidency.

“I just wish Americans would wake the f*ck up. I mean, we’ve been duped with this lame duck guy who needs his autocue and hundreds of spin doctors, and even then he can’t make a single f*cking decision. He’s about as decisive as a two headed donkey tethered to a pole. Not only that, he’s lazy as well. He just doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t know how the world works, or Washington or the country. Hillary has got way more balls than Obama, she should have been president,” a former democrat supporter told CBS news.

A discontented Washinton resident said on Tuesday: “One has to wonder what Obama has done since winning the election? It seems that his socialist agenda has been successful in one thing, and that’s pouring trillions of American taxpayer dollars into a black hole to be chewed up and never seen again. Someone give this guy some f*cking balls.”

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