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Obama Loses $4 Trillion On Golf Game Bet

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Millions of Americans will be without social security payments next year because Barack Obama bet their money on a golf game he was playing with his pals whilst on holiday.

Speaking from his luxury $50,000 per week holiday rental mansion in Martha’s Vineyard, the president seemed strangely unapologetic about the major loss: “Today I lost $4 trillion of your money. Never mind folks, notch it up with the $6 trillion I lost last week and the week before that too. I’ll be asking Congress when I get back to Capitol Hill in late September to up the debt ceiling again.”

Will Cameron's Third Attempt at a Summer Holiday Work?

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“The PM will try a third attempt at his summer hols, this time, however, he may try Number10’s garden out back,” a Downing street aide told the BBC.

The prime minister was cheerfully sanguine about the whole affair: “I will attempt to have my third holiday and I will be closer to the hotline in case anything else happens. Should the bottom of the world fall out and we all find ourselves in the Australian outback, or a major apocalypse occurs, I will not be roused from somewhere far away.”

Cameron’s deputy, Nick Clegg, who was in charge while the PM was away, was his usual ineffectual self yesterday when he told the Syrian president to stop killing his own people.

“I’m sure president Assad must be quaking in his boots at the very thought of being reprimanded by Clegg,” Westminster commentator, Alistair Kolic, told the BBC.

The West Finally Gets Gaddafi's Oil

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Eventually it had to happen. The oil fields are now under the control of America and Britain and will ensure another twenty three years of solid supply at 1.8 million barrels per day, for the West.

‘In the name of freedom’

Oil reserves in Libya are the largest in Africa and the ninth largest in the world with 41.5 billion barrels. Already, the oil reserves in Iraq have been pretty much depleted by the U.S. to low levels and Libya will provide the next oil boost for the parasitical gas guzzling nation.

Libya is considered a highly attractive oil area due to its low cost of oil production (as low as $1 per barrel at some fields), and proximity to European markets.

“We didn’t even have to put troops on the ground like we did with Iraq. That was way too messy. This way we used the dumbfuck rebels, then after they’re done, we take over the spoils. Too frickin’ easy,” a Pentagon official said as he high fived a colleague.

American strategists were worried that they would either have to invade Iran or Saudi Arabia to get the next section of oil, which would have been extremely messy. Gaddafi is easy pickings and a steal.

Most of Libya remains unexplored as a result of past sanctions and disagreements with foreign oil companies, and this is why the recent rout of the Gaddafi regime will provide rich pickings for the American and British oil companies, who have been waiting patiently in the sidelines.

“America uses up 48% of the world’s resources and it is like a leech sucking up everything and destroying anything in its path. It has an irresistible hunger for other countries’ resources and once those are all used up, it moves onto the next country. Just look at the millions of cars on its spaghetti junction roads, ten lanes on each side. No one walks in America. Everyone drives a gas guzzling 4 mpg behemoth SUV to work and a few yards to their Walmart stores laden with any Chinese trinket imaginable. It assimilates whole cultures into its collective with its movies and sitcoms, its culture destroys anything else in its path. This is the reality,” Professor of History at Cambridge University, Joseph Pavlov, told the Times.

Cameron’s Regime on Brink of Collapse as Explosions and Rebel Gunfire Echo Around London

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Anti-police helicopter fire was seen in the sky and sustained gunfire was heard. London residents said there were anti-Cameron protesters on the streets. “We can hear shooting and rioting in different places,” said one. “Most of the regions of the city have gone out, mostly young people.”  

However, early today, the sound of gunfire seemed to have subsided. “Almost a minute went by without the sound of gunfire,” said a wounded Reuters reporter.

And a spokesman for the British government said Cameron “remains the leader of the British people even though he is on another holiday” and that London is well-defended.

The attacks in London came after rebels said they had taken control of the Midlands city of Birmingham but had been forced to retreat. The city, which contains over 4,000 Tesco Super Stores, has changed hands repeatedly over the past six months.

The cities of Northampton, 60 miles north of London, and Manchester, 160 miles to the north west, have also been seized. Last night Cameron’s forces were fighting to regain Birmingham.

Nato has dropped leaflets over London calling on the packs of hoodies and chavs to stop the mayhem and rioting. David Cameron spoke on Friday from his holiday home in Cornwall about his desire to regain control of the country from rebels and carry on with the Big Society.

Mobile Phone Text Language Credited For Incredible A-Level Pass Rates

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“A lot of these kids can’t read or write standard basic English, so we were forced to integrate mobile phone text lingo, or SMS shorthand, into the curriculum, which is the only way these people can communicate now. Some of the students are only conversant utilising pictures and diagrams and cannot even use SMS texts,” Deacon Aylesbury, head of Oxford Cambridge and RSA Examinations board was recorded as saying in last week’s edition of the Education Times.

Thousands of Britain’s youth now have the coveted A* grade and are all applying to top universities.

“I can’t read or write, in fact I’ve never actually read a book. I just turned up to the English literature exam with my stolen mobile phone, innit,” Kevin Chesney, 18, who got three A** grades for his A-levels, told the Daily Mail.

Graders for the A-level exams say they also allow candidates to draw pictures to try and describe events that occurred in history or to describe literary classics like Shakespeare and Chaucer.

“We regularly get candidates who can only communicate with stick figure drawings and scribbled smudges. It is quite challenging to find out what these people are trying to communicate, but it certainly can be done. We’re getting some really gifted candidates being marked and we have only had one chap who failed this year because he was too busy looting a supermarket to attend the A-level examination,” Laurence Demister, an adjudicator and A-level marker told the BBC.

Silly Bercow Wants More Attention

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“Silly Bercow is to go on TV to get more attention for being the wife of John Bercow, the Speaker of the House of Commons. We all know she is a vulgar vile parasite, so why she has to go on telly on the Big Brother show to tell us this is a complete mystery,” Tory MP Frederick Applesby, said at Question Time to raucous laughter.

Silly Bercow, is also known for other silly pursuits like posing naked wrapped in semen encrusted sheets outside the houses of parliament, and spouting verbal diarrhoea on her twitter page.

“I can’t wait to see this silly cow on telly making a total fool of herself and her midget husband,” a backbencher told the Evening Standard today.

Four Year Prison Sentences For Every British Facebook User

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Everything you say on Facebook is recorded, noted down and will be used against you at a later date if need be. This is the reality that millions of Facebook users have to live with now as their every miniscule thought is analysed by the authorities.

1984

“You would have to be a f*cking idiot to have a Facebook page up and tell everyone everything about yourself. Don’t you have any shame? Any dignity? Are you really that stupid? Why don’t you just hand over everything to the marketers, spooks and ruthless Ad men. Listen to me, never divulge anything on Facebook. They can come for you in the middle of the night for your thoughtcrimes. They will take you away and you will lose everything,” Dave Ingram, who is serving a six year sentence in Pentonville prison for thoughtcrimes against the state, told the BBC during a prison interview.

Fear

Will Facebook users realise how they were duped into the enclosed surveillance world of electronic experimentation, where their every thought is probed, analyzed then imputed into a computer to be kept forever?

“These Facebook users still have no fear, maybe because they are trusting sheep, ready for the slaughter. We can come for them anytime we wish, all it takes is for them to utter a thoughtcrime against the state. It can be a little joke, or a little remark, we want you to fear what you say because we are watching and analyzing every thought from your piddling minds,” a surveillance officer for an anonymous agency told the BBC anonymously.

Murdoch: "I Have Permanent Amnesia"

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“I have no recollection of anything in anyway or know why anything happened or if it ever happened in the first place, or what it is. I do not know about what you are talking about, or the questions you ask me. What did you say? I do not remember who, what, where about anything or anyone and neither does my amnesiac father Rupert, whoever he is,” James Murdoch, the CEO of News International, told a Commons hearing yesterday.

Members of News International were recalled to answer questions about the hacking scandal and how former News International reporter, Clive Goodman had confessed that everyone openly discussed hacking phones.

Mr Murdoch was seen to hand over a doctor’s note to the front bench of MPs detailing his newly acquired illness.

“We understand that you have a permanent case of amnesia, very similar to the type of amnesia which has overcome your underlings, Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson. Maybe it is a contagious disease,” MP for Withenshaw, Jeremy Khunt, who was interviewing the News International hierarchy, said before being handed a brown paper envelope thick with freshly minted notes.

Cameron: "Rioting Teens Should Have Morals of Politicians"

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Speaking at a youth centre in Dalston, North London which will close permanently due to cuts in two weeks time, the PM said: “We are in a broken society. The rioting youth have lost their moral fabric, that’s why I say they should look to us politicians as a guide and moral compass on how to live their filthy lives with decency and honour.”

As Mr Cameron was heckled by hundreds of youths who started to throw Molotov cocktails at the assembled group of journalists and Number10 aides, riot police were sent in to break up the violent protest.

British politicians are known all over the world for their morality and civilized behaviour – when they’re not in prison, brothels, S&M dungeons, or attending all-expense-paid trips to the Maldives.

Obama to Create Jobs by Hiring More TSA Agents

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“If you want a job, we can have one for you tomorrow. All you got to do is turn up at the airport, put some gloves on, then check some poor bastard’s butt hole,” Obama’s employment czar, Alan Fenster, told CBS.

The TSA employment plan will increase employment figures for the government and ensure that Obama gets a second term.

“With this plan, there will be more employment in America. What you guys complaining about? You got a job now, so go do some work by checking a three year old child’s underpants,” Mr Fenster added.

The TSA is now recruiting all over America, and they hope to create 500,000 new jobs, which will certainly look good on the Obama jobs report when the elections happen in 15 months time.

http://www.tsa.gov/careers/airport-security-careers

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