17.7 C
London
Wednesday, December 24, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 664

Obama Threatens to Clean Out White House if Loses Election

0

“If some Republican wins, well, they may go to an empty cleaned out White House. Hell we’ll even take the light bulbs and the bulbs from the fridge. I want to see their face when they walk into the White House and see it empty,” Mr Obama told a group of reporters after a state luncheon during the British prime minister’s visit.

Obama’s wife Michelle is rather partial to cleaning out US taxpayers with lavish vacations costing millions of dollars as well as hugely expensive shopping sprees and greedy displays of self indulgence.

“Michelle can’t get enough of the White House or any $5,000 a night hotel. She even takes the cutlery and bed sheets. I seen her put a 27 inch flat screen TV in her bag when she was in Spain on one of her multi-million dollar holidays last year,” one of Michelle Obama’s personal assistants revealed to CBS.

A typical Michelle Obama entourage involves over fifty five staff members not including additional hangers-on and friends and family. When she is on holiday the convoy can usually stretch for three quarters of a mile including her secret service detail and support staff, then behind her will be Obama’s convoy.

The Obamas say whatever happens, it’s a lose lose situation for the US taxpayer and they’re perfectly happy to clean out ‘whitey’ after four hundred years of slavery.

“This is owed to us by whitey. They owe us, and they better believe we’re going to get a slice of the cake. Now gibs me some of that dessert baby, we’re going to bankrupt those mofos and take ’em for everything they got off working blacks like mules for four hundred years,” Michelle said with a glint in her eye as she took a priceless painting from the Oval room’s wall and slipped it in a black plastic bag.

Smart Phones Apps Cameras Microchips and Social Network Surveillance

“We used to work very hard to gather information about individuals, now we just look at your apps and all the gadgets you use.  We have so much information voluntarily given up by the public that we don’t know what to do with it all,” David Petraeus, the new CIA head told Spy Weekly magazine.

If one analyses the massive increase in smart phones worldwide, there has been a unified effort by all tech and phone companies to concentrate solely on apps and phones with cameras.

“The cameras are the key to everything. Every phone now has a camera, and these are the eyes  and ears of Intelligence Agencies all over the world. We do not need to actively film anything that occurs out of the norm anymore, we just let the public do it and put it up on a social surveillance site. Furthermore, if the need be we can just tap into any mobile phone in the world and check it out live ourselves. Your Apps are also logging every decision you make, and your phones log every conversation and your geo position. All software has in-built backdoor programmes that allow our agents and companies in the know easy access to all of your logged data,” an NSA software engineer disclosed.

The next step will be internal brain chips and again like smart phones, it will be introduced as entertainment, social networking with only the ‘very cool’ select few being chipped in the brain. Military personnel will be given enhanced microchips in their brains and will utilise augmented reality in conjunction with  their weapon systems. There will also be microchipping applications for people with paralysis and debilitating degenerative brain disorders, the justification being used that putting microchips into the brain can help people.

Once this is introduced to willing adults, the governments will start chipping babies at birth or even in the womb.

Brain chips are already here, and this is what we are getting the population used to. If we took away all your smart phones and internet now you would be very upset. This is the level at which we have trained you via clever propaganda techniques to accept these things and to be addicted to them; and you willingly give us all your information without question. Data-mining companies like Facebook are basically extended arms of the Industrial Military complex. You don’t think for one second that Mark Zuckerburg has any control over that entity, he’s just a puppet, a sideshow for the people to look at,” a technology expert told Wired magazine.

People under the microchip will behave with a hive mentality, not one of the individual and this is the goal of the engineers of social networking and smart phones.

“Imagine doing a Google search with just a thought. Humans will all be connected and will hear whispers and thoughts from everyone. Crime will be punished immediately as bad thoughts will be reported to the Thought Police and Thoughtcrime will be a very real thing. We are already seeing such things now, with people being arrested for writing their thoughts on Twitter or Facebook. There would also be Behaviour Modification chips for people to regulate food intake, thought processes, and advertising beamed straight into the brain,” a professor at MIT told Science Weekly.

Imagine massive increases of memory power and the ability to learn subjects within seconds. Microchipping of humans will also allow humans to experience unrivalled entertainment with programs uploaded directly into their central cortex.

The additional microchipping of all household electronics and white goods, by tech companies like ARM, will also be another major step in governmental surveillance as this will mean that the whole population can be tracked even when they’re not on their smart phones or social surveillance networks.

“The extent of the mass brainwashing by the controllers with regards to ‘social networking’ is so strong that if a person does not have a profile up on a social network, they are treated as a pariah, a weirdo and they are ostracised. Social networks rely on the fickle and encourage narcissism, banality and throwaway friendship. If you annoy me or say something that I do not like, bang, you’re blocked. People are now just commodities in a nothing universe making them worthless. You are not human anymore, you’re just a blip amongst the billions of numbers and zeros. This is the mindset of the future, and the agencies that are running everything with these massive super computers have planned this for decades now,” tech guru, Joel Aynsworth, told New Scientist magazine.

Johnny Depp to Star in a Tim Burton Film

“This is absolutely incredible. I never thought in a million years that I could be in a Tim Burton movie. I had to pinch myself, oh my gosh. Wow!” Mr Depp said from his Hollywood villa.

The feeling was mutual with famed director Tim Burton.

“Johnny Depp. Hmm. I saw him a few weeks ago and I said, jeez, I gotta have him in one of my movies. So I did just that. Quite incredible really,” Mr Burton said at a recent screening.

Cinema goers were equally excited by the Depp/Burton film.

“This is one for the books. It will be exciting to see Depp in a Tim Burton film. We need a change in the Hollywood scene, you know a nice breath of fresh air,” Chingo Passalango, 21, an LA film fan told Fox entertainment news.

Clegg Angry at Obama Cameron Relationship

1

“Cammo’s got that look in his eye, the same one he was giving me when we won the election against Brown,” a dejected Nick Clegg told the BBC.

The Deputy PM has been acting increasingly erratic after the pictures of the two leaders clearly getting cozy together in front of their wives were relayed all across the world’s media.

“It’s sickening, truly sickening, after all I’ve done for David, there he is with his nose and god knows what else so firmly stuck in Obama’s arse, I’m surprised he can still walk,” the angry Deputy, Nick Clegg said from his Constituency office.

Foreign Minister, William Hague, said: “I’ve been through this stuff before. Ffion was very understanding as I am sure Cameron and Obama’s wives will be.”

Reading the Daily Mail Can give You Eyeball Cancer

0

Britain’s premier Cancer Institute has attributed the increase to rising rates of masochists and Middle England housewives who punish themselves every day by reading the Daily Mail either on paper or the internet and are especially susceptible to contracting high-risk strains of the eyeball transmitted cancer.

“Every time you read a Daily Mail article or look at a headline, even for a few seconds, you are permanently damaging your eyeballs and your thought processes are diminished to that of a bowl of jelly,” one of the experts in the study told the Daily Mail.

Up to eight in 10 Britons who read the Daily Mail have symptoms of severe eyeball cancer and have to receive radiotherapy on their eyeballs.

Just a few newspapers cause problems, but one in particular, the Daily Mail, is known to cause cell changes which could develop into eyeball cancer.

“It’s not just your eyeballs that contract cancer when you read the Daily Mail, it’s your brain that slowly rots away and you get the fear. Reading the Daily Mail results in Cruel World Syndrome where everything and everyone around you is perceived as dangerous and evil,” the expert added.

There is hope though, if you feel the excruciating need to even glance at a Daily Mail headline, as long as you avert your eyes and look at something else before twenty seconds passes, you will be fine.

“Luckily I was saved, I didn’t have to have my eyeballs removed after seeing the Daily Mail in a news stand last week. Because I immediately averted my eyes and instead looked at an elderly homeless man defecating in a bus stop. Anything to avert eyeball cancer brought on by the Daily Mail,” a relieved London commuter revealed on Friday.

Traumatised Woman: "TSA Agent Made Me Smell His Finger"

0

The unnamed TSA agent taunted the woman about where he had stuck his fingers during his eight hour shift and forcibly wafted his stinky finger under her nose.

“I was a witness to the incident and am as traumatised as that poor woman. It must’ve stunk bad because she recoiled back and started retching like she was going to barf,” a shocked witness at the airport check zone told reporters.

Another outraged passenger said: “Not only do these animals violate your Fourth Amendment rights but they’re spreading all sorts of diseases and bugs around by touching multiple crotches and butt cracks without changing their gloves. I seen some of them don’t even wear gloves, and yet they put their hands down people’s pants.”

The woman who had her nostrils violated by the TSA agent was told afterwards that there was nothing she could do about it, and she was told to get on her flight to Fort Lauderdale and “shut the f*ck up with the whining already”.

The case is ongoing.

Obama Grooming Cameron For Iran War

0

“I don’t like the English as much as any other American, but we got to get chummy with them for another war that we have to do with Israel. I’m doing this because Bibi said I had to, and when the time comes, we’ll pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq and concentrate on the meat and potatoes of the pie, or something like that. Y’all know we got our wives out here so the cameras check them out while we do the dirty deals in the back room finalising the attack on Iran. The Brits fucked with my Grandpa, and they spilled all that oil and shit over our waters, but we need them now as much as they need us for shitty sitcoms and junk food,” Mr Obama told an applauding audience in the White House’s East Room.

The special relationship between Britain and America has had many ups and downs in the last decade, and it reached its low-point under the tenure of Gordon Brown, who was publicly fobbed off by Obama and made to look like an idiot in front of the whole world. It seems that David Cameron is getting a much better reception and he even has his wife on tow this time upping the tempo.

“Don’t forget Obongo’s up for re-election and he has to be seen to be doing something high profile. It’s not just spend, spend and golf, this time it’s spend, spend and talk some foreign policy with some English dude,” political commentator, Carmine Phucker, told the Capitol Hill Observer newspaper.

Confused Police Arrest Rebekah Brooks Again

3

“It’s really confusing. One minute our superiors are saying she’s the best thing since stable hay and giving her horses, and the next they’re telling us to arrest her.” Special Constable, Peter Plodder, told the BBC from Marbella, Spain.

The Metropolitan police have been implicated in the News of the World and Sun newspaper bribery and corruption scandals for taking thousands of pounds in payments for information about celebrities and politicians.

Many officers are now very sad that their little perks, paid for by the Sun and the NoTW have been curtailed, but with the sadness also comes fear for many police, because what if she spills the beans on more corruption?

“She’ll be singing like a canary to save her own skin, half the force could get implicated. I hope all those expensive foreign holidays and games room extensions were worth it,” another copper, who wished to remain anonymous revealed.

There is still a chance that Mrs Brooks could be freed early if she pays up more cash to the police either in a brown paper bag or through a bail payment via a lawyer.

Either way, she will be riding her horse off into the sunset soon enough.

Prince Harry Banned From Drinking Alcohol During Apache Flights

2

Top brass told the partying Royal, 27, to curb his in-flight Glenfiddich addiction on the Apache pilot course — or risk being dropped from his dream of being let loose with a fully armed attack helicopter for a mass shooting spree in Afghanistan.

A source said: “He’s been told in no uncertain terms to tone down the whisky binges while he flies the Apache.”

“It is extremely entertaining watching Prince Harry fly in circles, sometimes whooshing up at high speed, zig zagging, then dipping down close to the ground terrifying his co-pilots. I think this year alone he has gone through fifteen co-pilots,” the source revealed.

Captain Wales even tried to ask MoD officers whether he could take his own butler on the flights during training in California last year.

“The Prince wanted to know if his trusty butler, Hargreaves, could come on the Apache flights but was refused by the top flight instructors. The Prince likes to be given canapes, whisky on the rocks and a good cigar whilst flying but there was not enough room for the butler because of the co-pilot,” Senior instructor, Dougie Whitehead, told the Telegraph.

The partying prince will instead have to fly the Apaches sober, which could be a very sobering thought for the young prince if he wants to ensure he can fly the deadly attack helicopters on the front line in Helmand.

As an Apache pilot he will be deployed for up to three months, operating out of Camp Bastion in the Afghan desert.

New Pete Doherty Fashion Collection Huge Hit

Pete Doherty is branching out into fashion and his collaboration with Parisian designer François Demerde, has caused delight amongst fashionistas and cool people.

“Working with Pete Doherty is a great misadventure. Every creation is soaked in urine, faeces and we even meticulously squirt HIV positive blood onto the clothes from an infected hypodermic needle used by Doherty himself. The clothes are stitched, then ripped up, then left to ferment for months in an alleyway somewhere in Bethnal Green. He is a passionate and creative piss artist, but creativity can also sometimes lead to complications. This is why it takes so long to create the Doherty inspired clothes. We want these fabulous creations to be authentic samples of Doherty’s life, his loves, and his pukes. C’est magnifique, n’est pas?” said Monsieur Demerde, when Doherty was sent to prison last week.

The range, which caters to both men and women, is inspired by the second hand shops and soup kitchens of London’s East End, and Doherty’s own hand me downs from tramps. Highlights for men include a beige panama and brown felt hat splattered with urine, blood and freeze dried vomit chunks designed in collaboration with Doherty’s flat mate, Angus Needles, and was recovered from under a smelly bloodstained mouldy mattress in Doherty’s rented London flat.

For women, a blue dress with crusty white marks over the back and a Victorian-style blouse are all adorned with razor blades and heroin spoons – stamping Doherty’s love of drugs across the collection.

And this being Monsieur Demerde after all, who better than model Irene Smacker, Doherty’s on-again, off-again lover to model the women’s line. That is if she is alive by the time the collection is released in a few days time.

“I don’t have the time or inclination to become a fully fledged heroin and crack addict, therefore, when I come back from my accountancy job every day I slip into a Doherty creation and boom, I’m hip and cool. It’s like an instant fix for me,” Giles Hetherington, 34, told Fashion TV.

Peter Doherty’s new collection is due to hit stores on Friday, March 15.