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Oh Dear, Two Months of Rain Every Day For Rest of Year

Bea Vehr
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Oh Dear, Two Months of Rain Every Day For Rest of Year

“Sometimes we might get three months of rain in one day, or maybe four,” BBC weatherman Michael Haddock, said on the BBC news today.

If there is one months rain on one day, and three months of rain on another day, it is quite conceivable that there can be five months of rain on all days of the week.

“You may start off with one month of rain falling within the first fifteen minutes of the day, that then tapers off bringing six months of rain in the space of twenty five minutes on the next day, and then it’s an additional eight months of rain if you add on the next day’s rainfall, then average it off to the median number. If we add on the next month’s figures after all the daily months of rain have fallen we get a new figure for months of rain. That slowly increases by two or three monthly rain increments or whatever the next f*cking soundbite is,” Mr Haddock said.

This means there should be more rain forecast soon.

Music Biz Autotune Songs Now Used to Torture Inmates in Secret CIA Centres

Bea Vehr
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Music Biz Autotune Songs Now Used to Torture Inmates in Secret CIA Centres

It is very hard to distinguish singers in the year 2012 as all vocals are put through autotune and the vocoder processors reducing their warbles to a machine made gloop of degenerative detritous.

“Listen to ten songs from ten different artists in 2012 and there is no distinction in vocal style, sound or inflection. It is only after you see these so-called artists you realise that they are different people albeit wearing the same type of clothes,” a former recording executive for Warner Bros record company told Media Week magazine.

Well, it may be a sad end to music lovers in today’s current music scene, but it is a massive gain for the CIA.

A new Pentagon report has revealed that the CIA, based in Virginia, have found a use for the music of today — to torture Islamic fighters into revealing everything they know.

“We found that the sound of autotuned vocals going through the vocoder process is infinitely more annoying than a group of mosquitoes buzzing around your f*cking head at three in the morning. You put some Arab in a room and stick some headphones on his head, pipe this pop crap through them and you get results fast. Forget waterboarding, this shit works. We had that Dick Cheney guy in last week, he may be retired but he likes to come along sometimes, says it reminds him of the old days. Well, we showed him the headphone trick and seeing that Arab goat herder singing like a canary brought a tear to his eye. He loved it and said we should carry on doing more of this stuff,” a CIA operative revealed.

The CIA is now using the groundbreaking torture techniques all over the world at secret CIA installations where torture is permissible.

Boris Johnson Get Me to the Beach On Time

Bea Vehr
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The race resembled something out of Top Gear, but without the fake jocular bottom sniffing bravado, as the London Mayor and Vince Cable set off to a very special practice session at The O2.

When Bo Jo gets a snifter of beach volleyball quim, you’ll have to hold him back with brute force. He was off like lightning, first on foot, then a Boris bike, then a Boris cable car.

As for Vince Cable, he didn’t take the cable, he took the more traditional route of the heavily trafficked stinky roads in his Mini.

Well, no doubt the saucy hostess top totty in the cable car was a much welcome sight to Boris as he was lifted high up over London on the way to the Olympic venue in the new cable cars.

While Boris was getting his eyes washed with some serious eye candy at the women’s beach volleyball, poor old Vince, sans cable, was back in an unbusiness meeting in his car dreaming about telling bankers to stop all that banking lark.

Good on you Boris.

NHS Doctors Want More Money For Telling You to Get Out After Three Minute Consultations

Bea Vehr
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NHS Doctors Want More Money For Telling You to Get Out After Three Minute Consultations

An appointment with a doctor lasts an average of 3.5 minutes according to new statistics released by the Health Secretary today.

However, new government legislation is aiming to increase patient to doctor times by thirty seconds, leading to a mass demonstration and strike action for GPs.

The doctors’ revolt could hit surgeries across the length and breadth of Britain, with thousands of doctors angry at the new increased patient listening time proposal.

“Instead of kicking the patient out after three and a half minutes, they want us to wait a further thirty seconds. I can’t take it anymore, I can’t listen to another patient talking about their ailments, aaargh, aaargh, aaargh!” one of the distraught doctors, told LBC radio’s, James Minnow today.

Another angry GP said: “If I have to listen to a patient for thirty more seconds than is needed I want a huge increase in pension as well as salary. If not, we’re striking every day until everything is restored.”

Boris Johnson and David Cameron Attend Opening of Greco-Roman Olympic Wrestling Venue

Bea Vehr
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1
Boris Johnson and David Cameron Attend Opening of Greco-Roman Olympic Wrestling Venue

Boris Johnson, who studied the Classics at Oxford, stood up before the opening of the new wrestling venue to give a brief historic outline of Greco-Roman wrestling.

Much to everyone’s surprise, the London mayor and PM decided to also give a hands-on demonstration of the different styles of wrestling.

The London 2012 Olympic competition consists of two styles – Greco-Roman, where athletes use their upper bodies and arms only, and Freestyle, where athletes can use any part of their bodies.

Wrestling was one of the first sporting disciplines to be added to the Olympic Games in 700 B.C. This event was also part of the pentathlon. Wrestling was regarded as the best expression of strength out of all of the competitions and was represented in Greek mythology by Heracles.

“Boris and David Cameron were brilliant. They showed us how to do Greco-Roman wrestling as well as Freestyle. It’s great to see politicians getting into the Olympic spirit like that,” Julien Offal, a member of the audience at the ExCeL told the BBC.

A total of 344 wrestlers will compete across 18 medal events. These include seven Greco-Roman events for men and 11 Freestyle events, including seven for men and four for women.

At Least Tom Cruise Got to Keep the Thetans

Bea Vehr
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1
At Least Tom Cruise Got to Keep the Thetans

“I get to keep the Thetans. Hey, it’s her loss. She don’t know what she’s missing,” Cruise said smiling deeply, then jumping up on a couch in the Celebrity Scientology Centre in Hollywood.

After leaving so suddenly, Katie Holmes even left her e-Meter behind, so Tom Cruise now has two to use at his leisure.

“Sometimes I sit in a room with no windows and I think to myself, not only do I have as many Thetans as I want, but I now have two e-Meters. On my god, it is so amazing, not one, but two!” the excited star added.

Murray to Gain Independence From Winning Wimbledon

Bea Vehr
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Murray to Gain Independence From Winning Wimbledon

“To tell you the truth, I’ve had enough of it. This losing lark has made me really angry, and I have an irresistible urge to paint my face blue and gain Independence from Wimbledon,” Murray said as he wiped a tear from his eye at Wimbledon today.

Murray plans on making his own tournament away from Wimbledon, where there are no Swiss tennis geniuses like Federer around.

“It’s going to be a new competition where I will win the cup every time. In order for that to happen, I will need to be the only contestant and I will be playing against a brick wall with a painted line on it to denote the net,” Murray revealed.

The new tournament will only have one line judge and will always give the decision to Murray.

“If Murray loses the tournament, he will be British. If he wins, well, you can guess what nationality he will be then,” line judge, Alex Salmond, told the BBC.

How is Romney Going to React Under Pressure As President?

Bea Vehr
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10
How is Romney Going to React Under Pressure As President?

Call it Scientology or Mormonism, the truth is these are dangerous cults with wacky ideas about things. You could say that having science fiction as a belief system is the basis for insanity, and you would be f*cking right.

Mitt Romney is a devout Mormon who believes wholeheartedly that Jesus visited the American continent after his resurrection as told by the family of Lehi, whoever the hell they were.

Mormon’s also believe that Jesus is Satan’s brother and God lives near a planet called Kolob.

If you are a follower of Mormonism, the Garden of Eden was in Missouri, that is before the car parks and shopping malls were built.

Mormons also believe that black people are sinners and that’s why they were brought into this world with tainted black negro skin.

“I know that if it ever came down to serious confrontation in world Geo-politics, do you want someone who has crazy beliefs on the trigger finger or someone who does not blindly believe in nonsense? How can these people be rational if their cultish beliefs are totally irrational and border on insanity. This is the truth of the matter. Mitt Romney is a devout Mormon, therefore he wears special contraptions and underclothes beneath his everyday outer clothing, the guy is wacko, nuts, bazoingoed! Do you honestly believe that this guy can make a decision that does not involve hocus pocus weirdo ideas thought up by some toothbrush salesman in the American Midwest? That sh*t affects everything, it really does,” a disgruntled US voter told Fox news yesterday.

Romney may be good at business within his circles, because of his close knit Mormon church contacts, but that does not make him understand the world, macro-economics, or the nuances that go with every variable, every grey point of every situation.

“If someone has beliefs that are illogical and border on insanity, I do not ever expect them to make a correct decision under pressure. It is not feasible or valid, in any way. Let chaos reign when this guy wins the election. The American people will have made their decision, or maybe Diebold will have made it for them,” a Capitol Hill insider told the Washington Observer yesterday.

What if Romney decides to wage a war with the Scientologists on mainland USA after he is inaugurated as president? Who is going to win then? May the best cult win.

New Damien Hirst Artwork Causes Feeding Frenzy

Bea Vehr
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0
New Damien Hirst Artwork Causes Feeding Frenzy

“This is a spectacular piece of art. Holding back the urge to defenestrate as soon as I see a Hirst work, I am always amazed at the artist’s skill in quomodocunquization. One used to think Hirst was a contemptible barbaric rip-off merchant. I used to think Hirst was an aeolist. Oh how I was wrong about Damien. Seeing the formaldehyde cabinet for the first time, I rushed at it and waved my handkerchief over my head in abject surrender,” art critic for the Evening Standard, Julien Sewell, said in his daily column.

The new artwork has a price tag of $450 million and will be the priciest work Hirst has ever sold.

Represented by London’s Saatchi Gallery, the piece will be on show indefinitely.

Now That God Particle Discovered Scientists Want to Find The G-Spot

Bea Vehr
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4
Now That God Particle Discovered Scientists Want to Find The G-Spot

Higgs Boson was one discovery, but a G spot is the real icing on the cake of scientific discovery, and thousands of overpaid scientists at CERN are determined to research and gather enough data to actually pinpoint the whereabouts of the slippery little spot that has evaded so many men since time immemorial.

“We’re getting women in here in all shapes and sizes and getting to work. The Higgs Boson is actually insignificant now, women need to know all over the world that we’re getting undercover, damp and dirty to find that spot that makes you all go berserk with unadulterated passion. To science, this is more important than some tiny poxy particle that degrades milliseconds after it appears. Screw the fabric of the universe, I want to jump deep into the cavern, I want to swim like a fish and find that G-Spot if it’s the last goddamn thing I do in this world,” Professor Al Jenkem, told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.

The CERN institute has already scrapped the large Hadron Collider and are now constructing a specially commissioned piece of equipment that will explore the complexities of a woman’s clown pocket.

“Fuck the Hadron Collider, that thing can’t even make my toast in the morning. I want to see a woman’s G-Spot. Bring on more funding!” another scientific expert yelped as he rushed around the lab in his little white coat sweating like a toothless inmate in a prison.

With luck, the scientists at CERN should discover the actual whereabouts of the G-spot in the next thirty or forty years of constant research and trillions more of lucrative research funds paid for by the lowly taxpayer.

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