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Matt Drudge Stars in New Tarantino Film

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Quentin Tarantino’s latest revenge flick is a tour de force of the usual violence found within a Tarantino film, but having a journalist like Matt Drudge in ‘Django Unchained’ was crucial to the plot line.

“Django Unchained is one of my usual revenge flicks where I take a genre of cinema, put Samual L. Jackson in it, steal as many scenes and characters as I can from as many movies as possible, slap in a moral revenge stance to the plot line, Samual L. Jackson anyone? Then smack in the usual cool one liners gracing all my movies and the same ol’ 50s LA surfer Spaghetti Western guitar music with some stinkin’ Mexican burritos, all mixed in a big f*cking bucket full of hardcore gratuitous violence Matt Drudge and n*gger words and don’t forget even more frickin’ Samual L. Jackson. It’s like Kill Bill meets Inglourious Basterds meets thousands of B movies and thousands of B movie characters slapped into one then stripped through a meat grinder and deposited out as a patty to be grilled and served up in a motherf*ckin’ bun to the audience who will eat up that Royale with cheese like it’s the best shit hoppin’ thing this side of Mulholland Drive,” Tarantino said from his Hollywood hills mansion on Wednesday.

Matt Drudge was chosen out of hundreds of actors because of his love for Barack Obama and the lovely things he says about African Americans on his news aggregation site.

“I met Matt at a diner in Studio City, and I saw him across the way and all he was saying was the ‘n’ word literally every five seconds. I had to hire him right there and then without an audition. I told him I was doing this epic revenge movie where a black man gets revenge on whitey and the slave trade, and he was going to be one of the people who gets it. At first he laughed and declined the role but when I told him he could say the ‘n’ word on screen hundreds of times without getting into sh*t and paid for it, he agreed immediately,” Tarantino recalled.

U.S. Authorities Take $1.9 Billion Cut From HSBC

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“They were bad because they profited from crime and took a cut of the proceeds of that shit, so we, the U.S. government are gonna do the same. Our cut is $1.9 billion and after that we’re just gonna pretend that none of this happened. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?” Arthur Pendergrass, one of the U.S. Federal investigators told CBS Business news on Monday.

Another U.S. financial regulator said: “This is incredible, like we caught HSBC, and we said OK, where’s our cut? You think for one second we never knew what was going on from the beginning? They at first tried to get out of it, but we said, hey look what we did to BP? You Brits think you can get away with all this huh? Hand over the $1.9 billion and shut the hell up.”

It seems that crime really does pay after all, that is according to the U.S. government.

New Gollum Creature Even More Fearsome

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“I saw the new Gollum creature and he made me physically sick into my popcorn and nachos,” a distraught cinemagoer said on Friday.

All over the world after the new Hobbit film release, people have been frightened to death by the Gollum in the film.

“He’s way more scary than in the previous films. I took one look at him and I just had one word racing in my mind, Rompuy, Rompuy, Rompuy. I don’t know what that means but it really gave me the heebie jeebies,” another Tolkien fan revealed.

Quest For the Hobbit Could Cost You Three and a Half Hours of Your Life

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“They’re searching for something that they’re trying to find in some long lost land somewhere and they’ve got to get some people to come up with something then go to another far off land to get help from some creature then embark on another quest that may or may not come to a nearby path that must lead into a tunnel cavern system and don’t forget the golden ring but they must keep searching far and wide, high and low going here and going there with lots of running from those awful brown skinned creatures and going towards a certain point that may change at any point to another point in another place or time. There might be new creatures there, some small ones and some big ones going across the land until the quest for another part of the same quest begins but ends at the same time as the previous quest never started,” Director Peter Jackson describes the first fifteen minutes of the epic Hobbit movie which lasts for an almighty three hours and thirty five minutes.

The cult Lord of the Rings franchise has a massive following all over the world and is bound to make Tolkien fans as well as the British luvvies in the film really happy, and the rest of us really f*cking bored.

Death by Aussie Radio Pranksters

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“It’s those radio pranksters from Oz again. They’ve caused untold damage already with their dodgy British accents but this time a nurse has bought the farm,” a hospital worker at the King Edward VII Hospital said today.

The Sydney radio station 2Day FM who conducted the deadly prank call could even be recruited by the Aussie secret service.

“If they can cause a nurse to go and top herself with their idiotic pranks, well we could get some Arabs and Muslims to do it too,” Agent Castlemaine XXXX told the Sydney Herald newspaper.

RIP Jacintha Saldanha

Miliband Wants Poor People to Help the Rich Accept Poverty Too

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“We will have state sanctioned poverty mentors who will teach people who seem to think that working hard creates wealth and that under Labour, hard work gets you nowhere. It is ridiculous that in this day and age socialist ideals are still disregarded by some people as counter-productive to economic growth, and when I come into power I will change things forever,” Mr Miliband told a group of Labour ministers in parliament today.

The Labour leader proposes that rich people will all be given a Poverty Mentor who will follow them everywhere giving them advice about how to do things in a poor poor way.

“For example if you’re in a five star gourmet restaurant chugging down the champagne, and your name happens to be Bob Crow or Ken Livingstone, your Poverty Mentor may tell you that you have to forego on the dessert maybe, or leave a course out. These Poverty Mentors will teach these rich people that Poverty Consciousness must be adhered to at all times and that state benefits are the ultimate goal to work for,” a poverty expert revealed today.

Labour’s plans are to make as many rich people in the UK become fully fledged poor people, unless of course they are part of the Labour hierarchy or other cronies.

URGENT: Max Clifford Looking For PR Person

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“I’m arguably the best ever PR person in the media but I’m in a bit of bother at the moment, you know with all these alleged child sexual offences allegations against me. I need some PR to get me out of this, if anyone knows a better PR man than me please send a letter to HM Prisons Wandsworth. Any PR people that represented Gary Glitter or Jimmy Savile need not apply though, oops that was me, ouchy,” Mr Clifford said from his prison cell today.

Max Clifford, who always said he loved being the centre of the media, is now actually the news himself.

“I guess Max won’t be attending that charity dinner he set up on Monday. What is it with all these monsters hiding behind charity work? Makes you think dunnit?” a disappointed diner revealed today.

3D Printer Prints 3D Printer Which Prints 3D Printer

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“We successfully printed the first ever 3D printer which then printed another 3D printer, which then printed another slightly smaller 3D printer,” Yoriko Tetsumi, chief engineer for the 3D Print Infinity project told Science Weekly magazine.

The 3D printer that originally printed the 3D printer was manufactured to exact specifications and made from an alloy metal that could be printed and manipulated easily.

“The special alloy metal which we developed ourselves over 25 years of research was used to print the 3D printer and it’s moving parts of the printed 3D printer. Every time we print a 3D printer, it gets smaller and smaller because that is the only way we can do the perpetual print. Eventually we will have a microscopic 3D printer no bigger than the diameter of a hair follicle,” Tetsumi revealed.

The company’s amazing achievement has been hailed by technology experts all around the world.

Speaking from California, USA, John Mendelsbaum, a senior engineer at Hernendez Electronics said: “Perpetual 3D printing. Where can you go after that? I mean it’s a piece of genius right there.”

Britain Preparing For 48 Million Romanians and Bulgarians

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The EU’s policy of open borders will lift the restriction for working in the UK on December 31st when Romania and Bulgaria’s temporary work limits end.

“See that oak tree over there? Well we’re going to bulldoze it in an hour’s time. It’s been there for 250 years. It’s going to be gone in a minutes. We’re then going to build box houses and sink estates all over this area and concrete over everything. These are the new EU directives. No more rolling green fields, no more ancient forests, no more rivers, brooks or streams, no more castles. It’s all got to be bulldozed over,” a construction worker in the Cotswolds told gathered reporters at the scene of the crime.


Unfortunately because of the massive population increase from Romania and

Bulgaria, Green Belt land and the English countryside will be built over soon with social housing

The British countryside used to be a beautiful patchwork of rolling azure fields, connected with meandering old roads, quaint stone walls dotted with ancient villages. This is now all going to go when the massive influx will destroy everything.

“It’s not just the fields and forests that will be ploughed up and concreted over, the whole ecosystem that has survived for thousands of years will be completely destroyed. Once this goes, it never comes back. It is forever destroyed and lost in the grey concrete hell that will come; spreading like a cancer across the land, infiltrating every burrow, every blade of grass. No one is going to say anything about this are they? Just watch it on your telly, then switch on to X Factor afterwards. Don’t even bat an eyelid about it, there are more important things to think about like which celeb is coming out of the jungle next,” Jane Featherstone, a countryside activist told the BBC.


 

ATM Machines to Give Electric Shocks if No Cash in Account

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“If you are overdrawn then you will get a severe-ish shock of approximately 45,000 volts for ten seconds that will cause a few sparks to fly from your fingers, if you have nothing in your account, then it will only be a mild sharp shock that will cause you to jump a little,” Barnard Marlots, of Barclays bank told the Daily Telegraph.

Americans were not as pliant as the Brits with the news and some were outraged yesterday when all major banks and Credit Unions across he country announced the new measures.

“Dang, if the ATM gives me a shock I’ll give it a few rounds of my Uzi 9mm,” an angry American told CNN.

In Britain there has been next to no resistance to the new measures.

“If the people accept to pay huge prices for products that are half the price elsewhere then they willingly accept every indignity put upon them including fuel taxes at 89%, massive personal taxation and other forms of taxation. I don’t think having a few thousand volts running through their bodies is necessarily a bad thing. If you have money, you should not be bothered by it all,” Eve Harriman, a spokeswoman for Natwest banks told the BBC.