17.7 C
London
Sunday, July 5, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 666

Mitt Romney Banned From Air Force One

2

“It’s real easy, if we let that moron on the plane, he’ll try and open the windows and doors at high altitude. That’s why he’s banned,” Elridge Mulrooney, a Pentagon organiser told Fox news.

Mr Romney seems to think that opening windows in a pressurised cabin at high altitude is perfectly permissible.

“You open the window or door at thirty thousand feet and you will see what will happen. I’d like to see Mitt do that, he’d get sucked out in a split second and unless he’s got a parachute he’d be up shit creek without a paddle,” Ernest Tendlebaum, an Obama White House aide quipped.

In the unlikely event that Romney becomes president, he will have to be transported around in a car and go outside the US by ship.

New Maths Exam For 15-Year-Olds Causes Stir

2

The new Ebacc maths exam which will replace the GCSE has caused some consternation amongst parent groups and pupils alike. The irregular questions were discovered during a preview of the new maths exams.

The exams proposed by Education Secretary Michael Gove are meant to be harder than the GCSEs but some say that the exams are a little weird.

Head teacher at the Bishop Bell Church of England School in Eastbourne, Lionel Simpers, said: “Pupils were attending a class for the new maths exam when alarm bells were raised at some of the questions.”

One of the maths questions asks: “If a 30 year old maths teacher takes a 15 year old female pupil off to France and they are travelling at an average speed of 23 mph what is the probability of the girl being relieved of her virginity?”

Then another maths question asks: “If the age of consent is 15 in France and it is 16 in the UK, what is the difference between the two countries?”

Israeli PM Netanyahu to Attend Letterman Show

0

“We heard he’s bringing his little red button with him on the show, just don’t press that thing or there’ll be hell to pay,” a jovial Letterman told his audience last night.

Letterman added: “We had that Barry in last week, and as you all know, Benjamin is trying to get a hold of him, he’s a week off but he’s getting closer I tell you.”

Benjamin Netanyahu has absolutley no humour and is incapable of laughter, so he is being coached by Israeli comedians on the art of laughter before his appearance on the show.

“It’s really hard, I think I would have better luck in getting a shekel from a Tel Aviv begger. We’ve tried everything but all he talks about is bombing this, bombing that, flattening Iranians, Hamas, more home building, and he loves bulldozers. He even knows the different makes, the modifications needed for demolishing Palestinian houses and that’s about it.”

According to Haaretz, Netanyahu has gone through twenty comedians and still no one has been able to find an ounce of humour in the guy.

“Let’s hope Letterman’s writers come up with something because we’re lost on this Bib’idiot,” one of the defeated Israeli comedians remarked.

Nick Clegg Attains Human Shield Status

0

“The only way the Tories could be voted into power was with a sobbing yellow rat like Clegg blubbering into his handkerchief as abuse after abuse is thrown at him from all and sundry. Clegg is the best human shield the Tories have after enacting hugely unpopular policies that make them even more hated amongst the population than during the latter stage of the Thatcher years. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, or in Clegg’s case — arse, the Tories need to keep the Lib Dem leader around to shelter them from the constant barrage of anti-governmental feeling brought on mostly by Georgey boy in the Treasury. Clegg is a wonderful punch bag, he gets up there, apologises, gets more stick, cries a bit, maybe a rotten tomato or three, and then it’s back to business as usual for the Tories. He takes negativity towards the Tories, he is a shield for the Conservatives, and one must keep the shield up in battle, or get hit yourself, thus losing the battle,” a Westminster insider divulged.

Unless Osborne turns the economy around soon, analysts say that the human shield of Nick Clegg may crack and be deemed useless.

“It’s only a matter of time until the Tory defence is breached, and if that happens, then Labour will have the shield. Once the bleating Dalek brother-killer Ed Milliband gets a taste of power, Britain will be lost forever under a sea of overspending, useless diktats, and economic disaster that will make this lot look like f*cking girl scouts,” he added.

Until then, Nick Clegg, please take the flack and the shrapnel, you go first.

Clegg Anti-affluence Marathon to Start Next Week

0

The CAA (Clegg Anti-affluence) marathon will start next week and runners of the 46 km race will end up in Heathrow and take a flight permanently away from Britain taking their skills, riches and expertise in wealth creation away.

“We want to make it hard for Britons to make money and become successful in Britain. If you are a successful business person, professional or patron, we do not want you anymore. Much like France has criminalised people who work hard for their money so will we,” Mr Clegg said at the Lib Dem conference in Brighton.

The new Lib Dem laws enacted by Clegg and his rival Cable will come into force next week leaving hardly time for people to sell up and leave before they are punished for working hard and earning their money.

“On your marks, get set, go! You are now free to leave the UK. All that will be left are the sub-classes and wounded middle class who are now the unemployed beaten down class. Those who are left in this tax shit hole can pay for it all,” the deputy prime minister added to cheers and guffaws from the assembled Lib Dems at the conference.

The Queen ‘Speaking With a Polish Accent’ Says Mirren Ahead of New Role as Monarch

1

“I’m not saying she sounds like the meerkat but she has acquired some slight Slavic tones to her English, this is possibly due to the millions of Eastern Europeans who were granted entry to the UK by the former Labour government and EU opening of all borders in 2003. The massive influx has sadly affected our Queen who has ditched her royal English tones for a more European accent,” Dame Mirren told the Daily Mail.

The play will be based in a Polski Sklep (Polish Shop) in Neasden, North West London, where the Queen will visit and get one of her courtiers to buy a bag of groceries to take home to the palace.

Dame Helen Mirren will play the Queen who discovers the culinary delights of Polish cuisine and introduces it to everyone at the palace.

The play is based on real life incidents at Buckingham palace recently. Royal watchers realised something had gone very wrong last month when the Queen and Prince Philip started ordering Zupa ogórkowa (sour, salted cucumbers) and Biały barszcz (sauerkraut and pork broth with cubed boiled pork, ham, a hard boiled egg, and dried pork tripe sticks) for a recent banquet with the visiting Australian Prime Minister. They then washed the lot down with Czernina (duck blood soup) for an altogether gory finale.

Helen Mirren, who is in fact Russian herself, has taken to the role like a duck to water.

“One must understand that the Windsors are actually the Saxe-Coburg Gothas from Germany, so it is only natural that the Queen likes to flit around with her accent. We are all part of a wonderful mix here in England, and it is thus a good excuse to appreciate our culural mixing pot,” Ms Mirren added.

Chinese Space Rocket to Send 320 Thousand Astronauts Into Space At Once

8

Speaking at the China Space Agency in Beijing, Lee Ping Hi outlined how the latest incredible space innovation will revolutionise Chinese space travel.

“We have designed a rocket that can hold 320,000 Chinese astronauts to travel into space all at the same time. You can imagine the rocket boosters on the space vehicle. We are a nation of 1.6 billion people so we do not do things in a mediocre fashion,” Mr Hi said.

After fifteen years of research and trillions of Yuan, the special rockets will travel into orbit at 20,000 mph. Once the atmosphere is breached and the rocket reaches space, the craft will fly towards the latest space station being built for the Chinese Space crew.

“It will be incredible up there, and we can keep transporting space ship after space ship of Chinese into space. With 320,000 Chinese on the rocket, there will be need for restraint and understanding of toilet facilities and other such things,” Mr Hi added.

“We aim to make cheap plastic trinkets and mediocre products from space, then send them all back to earth,” commander of the space flight told the Chinese state news agency, Xinhua.

The monumental launch of the Chinese rocket will be in August 2013.

Mrs Jesus Christ Kept Her Husband’s Robe Freshly Ironed

0

Professor Angela Balls, has revealed the astounding revelations that Jesus had a wife and not only that she was a dab hand at the iron.

“Jesus liked to have a nice shiny white robe every morning. Do you think for one second he could have done that if he was a single man? Well, it was Mary’s job to have that thing starched and sharp. You can’t have a scruffy Son of God prancing around the temples and hills around Galilee, or what about when he was walking on water, he’s got to look tip top. It gets dirty and sandy out there, his robe must have been filthy after a hard days curing the blind and raising the dead. In the papyrus, Jesus was said to thank her for ironing his white cloak everyday and her services to him otherwise. It is a spectacular find and we are absolutely amazed that the find proves that Jesus was just a bloke like every other bloke. If he’d been around today, he’d watch the footy down the pub, come back home and expect his dinner to be on the table or there’d be trouble. Of course, I’d whack him round the bonce if he tried that with me.”

However, there has been some skepticism from right wing Christian evangelists in America to the new find.

“Jesus was the Son of God, he could cure lepers with a wave of his hand, I don’t think he needed a woman to iron his cloak. Besides, Jesus was hangin’ out with dinosaurs and the earth is only 5,000 years old. Bloot, bloot, gobba, gobba, tweerit..aaargh..malfunction..malfuuuncti..i..i.on..dzzz.dzz..dzzz,” Jim West, a professor and Baptist pastor in Tennessee said, before being stretchered away by paramedics.

Unarmed British Police Could Start Using Truncheons Says Commissioner

1

“It’s like shooting fish in a barrel,” a heavily armed man holding a semi-automatic gun smuggled in from Eastern Europe tells the Times newspaper.

In a country where citizens are routinely arrested and imprisoned for defending themselves in their own homes, it goes without saying that the police should be suitably disarmed and left to the mercy of armed criminals.

It’s very easy to get firearms in the UK, you just go to certain pubs, speak to a few people, go to the car park in the back, then for about £400 you can have a fully operational gun, ready to shoot anyone who gets in your way.

On the other side of the coin, the majority of the British police are defenceless, and are daily sent into very dangerous situations where armed criminals fire at will.

“We’re sent out to situations where any other police force in the world would be fully armed, instead we’ve got a little bottle of pepper spray and a pair of handcuffs. That’s sure to scare a criminal with a fully loaded automatic gun. By the time we radio in for the armed police, they’re either on another call or by the time they get to the crime scene, there is no one there, or we have all been shot,” PC Bob Jensen, told the BBC.

The Met Police Commissioner, Chris P. Bacon, said something about the situation yesterday at a press conference: “I have authorised the police to be able to use their truncheons in an event that criminals are shooting at them with heavy weaponry. Remember to walk slowly forward with your truncheon and don’t forget to tell them nicely to stop shooting and put the gun down.”

Entire One Direction Boy Band Eaten By Sharks in Florida

22

“The only direction One Direction went today was down the gullets of a some Great White sharks,” Ernest B. Cecilmayer, chief lifeguard at Miami’s West Beach told Fox news.

The feeding frenzy started at 3 pm Monday on Miami’s West beach. The boy band were taking time off from one of their mime shows and went for a swim.

“We saw them go further out into the ocean, and then there was some serious splashing going on. One minute they were there with their perfectly coiffed poncey haircuts, and the next there was just red everywhere. I just started cheering right there and then and punching the air in delight at the demise of the most nauseating irritating bunch of shisters foisted on what’s left of the music biz. If I could kiss those sharks I would, I wanted to shake their fins, to hug them for cleansing the world of crap. One Direction went down to hell in one fell swoop, they didn’t take the elevator but they took the water slide down there via a shark’s stomach. I sincerely hope those poor sharks don’t get a bad case of indigestion,” Cuthbert Eagleboise, a witness and music lover at the beach recounted.

A spokesman from One Direction’s record label, Syco Records, said they were very sad about the news and would immediately be bringing out a Greatest Hits record to celebrate their spectacular career in the pop world.

Marine Biologist at Florida Sea World, Laura Kiltner, said: “The splashing from the boy band must have attracted the sharks. We estimate there were three or four large Great Whites in the vicinity who must have been hungry because the feeding frenzy lasted for all of two minutes. Sharks rarely attack humans but in this case I think they saw One Direction and thought they might enjoy a little snack.”

The unfortunate drawback of the wonderful demise of the entire One Direction boy band is that there may be a few weeks of tributes on the airwaves, but thankfully they will be forever forgotten after that.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH