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EU Working to Eventually Introduce Democracy

Humphrey De La Teates
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EU Working to Eventually Introduce Democracy

“We thought we might dip our toes into trying some small elements of democracy and we might give the people some say in how they should be governed,” Jose Bubbarosso, the senior EU Commissioner for EU Dictatorial policy said at a recent conference.

Democracy is something that is completely alien to the EU but they say they are at least trying to implement it in a few hundred years time.

“We may consider giving the masses some say in the EU but there is still not much chance of that ever happening in our super soviet state because that could be very dangerous to our system of total control,” another unelected bureaucrat said.

Celebrity Pregnancies Fuelling Celebrity Population

Humphrey De La Teates
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Celebrity Pregnancies Fuelling Celebrity Population

It’s the same process, every few minutes there is another celebrity baby, the photos are then plastered all over the media, the baby bump recovery time is marvelled at and then another celebrity offspring graces the media for the rest of their lives and unfortunately yours too.

“We have so many celebrity babies now that the celebrity populations are getting overloaded. Celebrity baby fights are now commonplace as celebrities vie for attention. In the old days stars would rarely breed, that is if they lived for enough time to do the dirty deed, but now they’re breeding like crazy and there’s so many of them there’s no room left,” celebrity expert, Jocelyn Wildenbrantz, told Hollywood Week.

With celebrity births, there is also a huge industry for celebrity photos for the fawning audiences although now that there is such a surplus of celebrity, prices have dropped dramatically.

“You used to get a lot of payoffs for the celebrity baby money shot, but now, it’s like here have a few bucks, next one comes along. These celebrities come a dime a dozen but they still think they’re important,” a celebrity photo agency owner, Guido Mulrones, told TMX celeb site.

Will the Royal Baby have Windsor Teeth?

Humphrey De La Teates
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Will the Royal Baby have Windsor Teeth?

“It is customary that all Windsors have the teeth to match i.e. big gnashers, pearly white chompers fit for gulping large amounts of foie gras and venison,” Ernest B. Cecilmear, a royal watcher for ITV news revealed on Monday.

Another royal correspondent for the BBC this time, said: “As long as the baby’s not ginger, then I think everything should be alright.”

All over the world people have been delighted with the news of a new royal baby on the way.

“It cheers people up innit. Now we’ve got the major task of guessing what the royal baby’s name will be? Franz, Adolf or Jurgen? I’m sure there are a lot of names to choose from the Fatherland,” Julius Mendelson, a butcher from Slough told the BBC today.

Assange Trying to Tunnel to Ecuador

Humphrey De La Teates
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Assange Trying to Tunnel to Ecuador

While Julian Assange has been holed up in one single room in the Equadorian embassy in London, police who are monitoring the situation say that they have reason to believe that Assange might try to escape with a tunnel all the way to Equador.

“It is not inconceivable that the fugitive Assange, who is currently wanted for deportation to Sweden may be tunnelling underneath the embassy in Knightsbridge,” a Metropolitan police spokesman told the BBC today.

Protesters who were outside the Ecuador embassy have been supporting the Wikileaks founder with posters saying ‘Dig for Victory’ and ‘It’s only 8,000 miles mate’.

“We heard he’s been digging for five months now. I noticed outside the embassy some scratching noises under the road, could’ve been Assange but not sure,” Desmond Pritstem, an Assange supporter revealed yesterday.

Ambassador Ana Alban, the South American country’s envoy to Britain, told reporters in Quito on Sunday that “Our countrymen are waiting for him to dig to Ecuador. We provided a bucket and spade for freedom and democracy. They will wait for him there for as long as it takes”.

Rupert Murdoch Is Not That Important For Whole UK Press to be Regulated

Humphrey De La Teates
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Rupert Murdoch Is Not That Important For Whole UK Press to be Regulated

Rupert Murdoch is not in jail, neither are his deputies and the people who did his dirty work for him. These people are all free, they were never brought to justice, and will never be prosecuted for their crimes.

The hypocritical narcissistic greedy celebrities who were caught up in this mess are just as culpable as Murdoch and his fiendish agents of News Corp. because they courted these Murdochite entities with all their might. They would not be who they are now without the media attention they craved.

“Rupert Murdoch is not important enough to warrant all this mania. Why should we shut down the whole British press because of one arsehole? That’s like saying you’re going to arrest every driver on the road because one driver was caught drinking. This is simply a ploy from the controllers up on high to shut down freedom of speech even further than they already have. It is simply another method of control. They created the problem, then they got some celebrity stooges for an outcry, added a few public voices into the mix and now they’re trying to shut the whole lot down,” a media specialist for XDC Media in London told Reuters.

Mayan Apocalypse Could Happen Next Tuesday Say Experts

Humphrey De La Teates
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Mayan Apocalypse Could Happen Next Tuesday Say Experts

“This new date is supported by factual evidence gleaned from an archaeological dig along the Northern straits of the Central Valleys region in Oaxaca, Mexico. We found a tomb dating back to 1424, and it includes an addendum to the previous Mayan apocalypse calendar. We think that the people who made the initial calculation had to go back to the drawing room and come up with another date for doomsday because they discovered further constellations in the sky. The Mayans were a very advanced race of people and utilised the planetary movements in the sky to divulge what would happen in the future,” one of the archeologists, Samuel Draco, told Reuters.

Conspiracy theorists all over the internet are now talking about the coming apocalypses and preparing for the end.

“We could have two apocalypses, which ever it is I got me some beans and tins of soup. If everything is destroyed twice over, then I can at least have those things huh,” Tony Matterhorn, a survivalist from Detroit, Michigan told ABC news.

Some experts have doubted the new findings and think that the Mayan apocalypse could happen three hours after New Year’s eve EST.

“We believe that Draco’s team have got it wrong completely, and our charts suggest another time for the apocalypse. Give or take a few minutes, we will soon find out when the end of the world happens to us all,” Dan Blanchard, a researcher from Boston, Massachusetts, MIT told the Boston Times.

Either way, there are going to be a lot of severely disappointed people soon.

Labour Council Snatches Children From Foster Parents For Not Voting Labour

Humphrey De La Teates
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Labour Council Snatches Children From Foster Parents For Not Voting Labour

“They did not vote Labour. They did not vote for the Labour party at the last election. It was no Labour for these people. We have taken away the children to go to a proper socialist family,” Rotherham Child Councillor and Stasi Kommandent, Joyce Snatcha, told the Rotherham Echo.

The Labour run councils across England and Wales are getting nasty in their exile after their unelected Commander in Chief, Gordon Brown was finally ousted from his position a few years ago.

“We have files on people who have not voted for Labour or do not support our child-snatching ways. Labour stands for surveillance, for poverty, for profligacy, for cronyism, for champagne socialism, for excessive Labour government spending and it also stands for war, lies and deception. We will not have anyone disobeying our orders in any way. I will keep repeating this and you will keep listening to what I say. You will vote Labour, you will listen and do what I say. At the next election you will vote Labour. Voting for Labour is what you will do and there is nothing you can do about it. Listen to my every word, look into my eyes. You will vote Labour at the next election. You will vote for the Labour party,” Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour party told the BBC yesterday.

Scientists Find Atom That Looks Like Jesus

Humphrey De La Teates
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Scientists Find Atom That Looks Like Jesus

“We’re calling this thing the Jesus atom. I know that’s not very imaginative, but by heck it looks like the Lord Jesus is looking right out at you. When we saw this with the electron microscope we just got down on our knees and started praying right there. This is proof that God is real and even science cannot escape that fact,” Rod Elridge, one of the scientists on the project told local Kentucky news.

Already across America, Christian evangelists and Republican politicians have picked up on the new find.

“This is proof right there that Jesus is our Lord and saviour. By the gospel of Jesus, by the word of God, by the holy light of Christ, I want to say to you all that we have found the true God particle. Send your donations in right now we need to do more Jesus scientific research in the name of the Lord. Five dollars is good, ten dollars is better, but fifty and above and you will see the light of heaven in your soul and buy me a new Ferrari in the name of Jesus. God bless Jesus, we have found you in science. They can no longer tell us that you never existed or that science disproves religion,” Pastor Gerald Pedopumper, from the Johnsons Jesus Baptist church in Pepper Lake City, Nashville told WKNJS radio Wednesday.

The scientists at Fry University of Kentucky used a microscope that incorporates new aberration-correction technology that focuses a beam of electrons on a spot smaller than a single atom — more sharply and with greater intensity than previously possible. This allows information previously hidden in the background, or “noise,” to be seen. It also provides up to a hundredfold increase in imaging speed.

The new Jesus atom is however quite an unstable atom and scientists were weary about maybe splitting one.

“If we split a Jesus atom, we could open up the window to heaven or hell. I don’t think we want to take that chance. Especially not so close to Christmas time,” Mr Elridge said.

Americans Finally Find Out What Was in Their Twinkies

Humphrey De La Teates
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Americans Finally Find Out What Was in Their Twinkies

“I been eating Twinkies since 1941 and I love ’em. I am real upset that Hostess is not making those things any more and have gone bankrupt,” Edward Herlihy, 84, a retired postman from Minneapolis told CBS local news.

When U.S. parent company Hostess filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection many people across America were terribly upset, but there was to be a further shock to the system, when they found out what the secret cream filling consists of inside those tasty American treats.

“When Hostess was declared bankrupt, we were cleaning out the offices and found a piece of paper. On it there was a list of ingredients that made me wretch. Americans have been devouring Twinkies since 1930. Now I know why they had a donkey stable behind the factory,” a disgusted bankruptcy investigator revealed Wednesday.

According to investigators, the white cream filling consists of donkey semen farmed from thousands of donkeys in the back of the factory every day.

“I had to milk those donkeys every day and we put the fresh cream into big vats. Then they pumped it all in a big tube in the factory, whipped it with large mixers, and squirt it into the Twinkies. We’ve been doing this since the beginning and we got no complaints even from the FDA. It’s just another animal by-product,” an unemployed donkey milker for the bankrupt Twinkies manufacturer told CNN.

Fred the Shred and Bob the Rob Finally Get Their Just Desserts

Humphrey De La Teates
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“It wasn’t so much an attack on the banking institutions that have robbed the population blind, but more of a commendation of the massive upheavel that these banker boys have created,” a man who as at London’s Barclays head office said.

The banker dolls first went to the Barclays HQ to condemn that awful Bob Diamond character, then they went to RBS to rub something or other onto Fred the Shred Goodwin, and finally they arrived at the Old Lady at Threadneedle street to give old Mervyn an aneurysm or two before he retires, or maybe just a semi.

“I was busy counting my earnings I had made that week, you know £358,000 by robbing some poor misinformed people of their pensions. Certainly small change if you’re a banker, when I looked out the window and saw Fred the Shred and Bob the Rob plastered all over some spondelicious totty. I nearly dropped my loot as my eyeballs popped out of my bankers head. I am such a banker, or maybe that should read, wanker,” Lewis Carlton, 28, a banker at Barclays told the Sun.

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