17.7 C
London
Thursday, October 3, 2024
secret satire society
HomeSci/TechHumanity Could Be Reverting to Apes Say Scientists

Humanity Could Be Reverting to Apes Say Scientists

GENEVA - Switzerland - Researchers at the Human Evolution Project have made an astounding discovery that could affect our understanding of evolution.

“We used to think that humans evolved from apes as a final evolutionary movement, but extensive research over a period of forty years has come to the groundbreaking conclusion that humans are actually reverting into apes in a sort of reverse cycle over thousands of years,” Professor Alan Greenweild, told a group of scientists at the 2012 Geneva Science Symposium on Friday.

Over millions of years there were many hominid designations such as Homo ergaster, Homo georgicus, Homo heidelbergensis, Homo pekinensis and the Neanderthal. Eventually Homo sapiens prevailed and we now have so-called ‘modern humans’.

The forty year study collated data from all gene pools and countries in the world.

“What we found is that humans are slowly reverting back to their original state, maybe in the next thousand years or even earlier than that, humans will be living in the trees again and eating berries. There may still be types who are bipeds but they will mostly revert back to being quadrupeds and their brain power will be approximately 43% of modern humans now. Once humans have reverted linguistically to communicate by grunting, then the cycle of evolution will have come full circle and be complete,” Professor Greenweild said.

There are clues to the incredible claims in modern man today, and Manchester United footballer, Wayne Rooney is a key example of how some humans are reverting to apes faster than others.

“We studied Wayne Rooney and were astounded at how quickly he is reverting back to the original ape state. He resembles the Homo heidelbergensis genus or Neanderthal, and he also communicates with short grunts. Unfortunately for humanity, this is where we are headed. Look at Rooney and you will see yourself in a thousand odd years,” the professor added.

World governments have taken note at the new research findings and have made contingency plans to avert humans becoming apes again.

“We got America’s Joe Biden and Russia’s Vladimir Putin on the job. Those two guys are tasked with the job of stopping humans reverting back to apes. Looks like we’re all fucked,” a distraught American citizen told CNN.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!