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Lindsay Lohan Enters Rehab in Rehab

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“She needed a break from rehab so she is now getting rehab from rehab, which is an extra area actually in rehab,” a spokesman for Eldridge Rehabilitation Services in Los Angeles told Entertainment Weekly.

No one knows what goes on if you enter rehab in rehab because it is a heavily guarded secret. Only a few celebrities have ever got to that level of rehab.

“You know take Charlie Sheen, multiply that by 10 million and add a dose of Amy Winehouse, and you might get slightly close to the levels we’re talking here,” a celebrity commentator for TMZ revealed.

Viva Espana Get Your Pesetas Out Now Hombres

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“If you are a British expat, get your money out yesterday, if you are Spanish, get your money out sooner than yesterday, if you have a property in Spain, try and sell it, although I’m afraid you may be mierda out of luck with that idea, how can you sell something that is pretty much worthless now and will be even more worthless soon when the debt maelstrom hits?” an insider from the Spanish Finance Ministry told a Spanish business journal.

What happened in Cyprus is destined to happen in Spain soon therefore it seems the wheel of misfortune turns its weary cycle over the troublesome euro waters daily, churning away leaving frothing sewage water in its cumbersome wake.


As the Eurogroup President, Jeroen Dijsselbloem said, that “if necessary the uninsured deposit holders” will be gored by the bull’s horns and thus there is the rub, there is no chivalry left in Espana as Don Quixote has been kicked firmly in the cojones by his trusty squire’s donkey; Picasso would surely have crafted a diabolical sculpture of a deformed woman to represent the broken euro and Salvador Dali would have simply shat in a purple bucket standing on top of a lobster, as for Gaudi, his representation of the euro would be a pile of ceramic rubble.

“Spain is the big one for the euro. When Spain’s banks need to be recapitalised again, you can simply kiss your bank deposit goodbye. Especially with Spain’s unemployment currently at 26.7% things are definitely not getting better for people. There may very well be real bloodshed when the country’s economy collapses completely under its soon to be massive 110% gross debt of GDP,” an economist said from the UK.

New BBC Celebrity Retirement Home Unveiled

“You may be wondering where all your favourite BBC personalities from the sixties and seventies go to when they retire. Well, with a little help from TV licence payers and Her Majesty’s Pleasure here it is..da, da-a-a!!” a BBC spokesman said at the unveiling ceremony.

The state of the art building has all the mod cons, 180 foot high walls, barbed wire, armed guards and each retired BBC male personality gets their own special room which has bars on the windows and a heavy steel door that needs a special key.

“We put them in their special retirement rooms and keep them there for 23 hours in the day. They do get to watch a little TV of course, we pipe through re-runs of the shows they were in when they were at the height of BBC fame. We serve them some hot slop, usually porridge, and they get a bucket for their ones and twos,” one of the wardens, Ron Barker revealed.

A newly arrived retiree was rather jovial about his BBC retirement home: “I tried really hard to get that gig for her Majesty at the Palladium in the Seventies but my jokes just coudn’t cut it, but it seems I’m right here now at Her Majesty’s Pleasure..anything else would just be nonce sense..”

Kerry Katona Cocaine Day Loan Ad Banned

Ms Katona, who promoted frozen food retailer Iceland whilst snorting copious amounts of cocaine, talked about her former “cocaine troubles” in the TV ad. She was declared bankrupt in 2008 after sniffing up half of Peru with her fat bloated pig-like nostrils.

The ad for the Cartagena Ad Agency, trading as Coke Lady, drew 43,654 complaints that it was irresponsible because it focused on Ms Katona’s cocaine sniffing problems and encouraged people in similar situations to borrow money at ridiculously high interest rates to buy more cocaine.

The ad featured Katona saying: “We’ve all had money troubles at some point, especially when you can’t pay your dealer. You could see your bank and fill in loads of forms, give your dealer a blowjob for a few grams, nick something and sell it, but there is an easier way to get a loan … So if you need extra cash for a snoot go to http://www.cokelady.co.uk. Fast cash for fast coke.”

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) also challenged whether the advert was misleading and irresponsible because it promoted itself as an alternative to banks while offering an APR in excess of 8,000pc.

Coke Lady said Ms Katona was selected for the ad because she is utterly brainless, deficient of intelligence and is an irresponsible bat-shit crazy moron who puts her kids in danger with her every action.

It said its loans were limited to £300 and were aimed at those experiencing relatively low-level short-term financial difficulties with paying for hard drugs.

Ms Katona featured in the Daily Telegraph’s Money Fame & Fortune series in January, saying she was reformed from her days of profligate spending.

She said: “In a way I was glad I got made bankrupt because it got my dealer off my back but then I..I..got this ad job and I’m in the same old shitty mess again. Sniff, sniff.”

Free Internet Wild West to be Finally Taxed and Shut Down

“As in everything, the authorities first wait until the Wild West Frontier towns are established, then when everyone’s comfy, the real law men ride into town and the tax men get down to making some real money,” a man who remembered the old internet said.

You may notice how free news sites are now under pay walls, free videos you used to watch are now subscription only and everything you purchase has now got a massive internet sales tax added to it. Well, you’re not dreaming, this is the new internet, the controlled one where free speech and thought are punished severely.

Copywriters and advertisers have made sites like YouTube unusable and social networks are there purely to farm user information to sell to third parties and governmental agencies.

“Not only are they shutting down all forms of free speech, they’re now monitoring and logging your every search query and action on the internet. With the shutting down of all freedom comes the taxation and tracking of all online transactions. Looks like the free internet was too good to be true,” a disappointed former internet surfer revealed yesterday.

Maybe someone some day will create a new internet where freedom will reign once again.

Sir David Attenborough Examines Phenomenon of ‘White Flight’ From Our Cities

“It is a fascinating thing to watch over time. The Councils will come and put all the non-whites in one enclave, then the indigenous white populations move out of the area one by one soon leaving nothing else behind. As time goes by, there’s safety in numbers so more immigrants come and live together finally with an established colony. By that time, there has been a massive dispersal of the white population who have moved as far away as possible,” Sir David Attenborough said during filming of his latest fascinating series.

The film crew for the series had to wait many months in a makeshift fake disused building to film the phenomenon occurring.

“It took us many hours of waiting to film the time lapse sequences. Sometimes I felt I was back in the Serengeti stalking a lioness, but had to pinch myself when I realised I was in Bethnal Green, East London,” Doug Chapman, one of the cameramen for the BBC series told the Radio Times.

Segregated Ghettos

Sir David Attenborough examined the white flight phenomenon and the two-part series will try to come to understand it better.

“We think it’s something to do with the mass unfettered immigration. Like whole areas are flooded with immigrants resulting in white flight migrating away as they are outnumbered. From studying this, that’s just my professional opinion,” Sir Attenborough revealed.

White Flight, the series will start Thursday on BBC4

 

Brain Scans Can Identify Politicians or Members of Ruling Elite Even in Childhood Because They Have No Empathy When Seeing People in Pain

Brain scans can be used to identify children who may become potential politicians or banksters, new research has shown.

Scientists have found that certain areas of a politician’s brain showed a reduced activity in response to images of others in pain.

The regions affected are those known to play a role in empathy, the ability to relate to other people’s feelings.

Scientists say the patterns could act as a marker to single out children at a risk of becoming adult politicians or bankers.

A total of 255 boys aged 10 to 16 were assessed in the study.

Of these, 17 met the criteria for children with ‘future politician bankster syndrome‘ (FPBS) according to questionnaire answers provided by parents and teachers.

FPBS children display a plethora of antisocial traits including aggression and dishonesty which are integral parts of becoming a politician or working in the banking industry.

“If you’re a politician and you do not lie, then you get found out. That’s not good for the job or your organisation, therefore kids who have FPBS are good at their future job because they have no problem with lying to get what they need. They do this from a young age and when they become politicians, it is like a duck taking to water, in other words, no problem,” Professor Anders Simkins, revealed about the study.

The same applies to bankers: “If you are a banker, first you think of your bonus and the money you will make. If you had one ounce of empathy, you would realise that what you are doing is hurting millions of people by taking their pension money, but f*ck them, as long as you can make more money than they will ever see in a lifetime in one afternoon, who cares? You see, this is the mindset of a bankster, and this is why they succeed so well in their jobs, because they had the FPBS and the others did not.”

Participants in the study underwent functional magnetic resonance imaging (FMRI) scans while being shown images of other people’s hands and feet in painful and non-painful situations.

A distinct difference was seen in the brain responses of children with and without FPBS.

“If you look at all high end business, governmental departments, banks, law offices, and the medical industry, you will see these people. Actually, let me adjust that, in most circumstances, you will not see these people running the show because they’re too high up the ladder, but they’re there,” the Professor added.

Cammo Running Scared Back to Merkel

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“He’s been on the phone all evening to his boss Merkel telling her there could be a slight set back with plans for the UK’s EU integration into the eurozone currency mechanism, or whatever the bloody thing is called,” a Number10 insider revealed.

The Tories were given a drubbing at the local election polls yesterday and the fear at Tory HQ is that there could be more of the same in 2015 when the General Election will be held.

“We’re hoping that there may be a world war between now and 2015 so that we won’t have to hold an election and obviously lose it,” some Tory backbencher belched over his trough.

As for Ukip, well they’re obviously xenophobes, but if you live in England and are not a xenophobe by now, you will probably be one soon when 29 million Romanians and Bulgarians are shown an open door at the end of this year thanks to a forced EU directive. The massive influx will most certainly ensure the death of the NHS and a collapse of the benefits system, which is already hanging by a thread at the moment. If you are unlucky enough to have a job, just think that you will be working nine months in a year to pay taxes so that Britain can accommodate the millions of poor EU migrants who will rush into the UK, but then again, you might be lucky and have your job taken by an EU migrant.

“The fact is that this is not only about race but culture. The EU is systematically destroying the UK by implementing ridiculous laws in Britain by faceless unelected Marxist officials from Brussels and Strasbourg. We need to break free from this madness or we will lose everything. Cameron is a lackey of Merkel and he needs to be ousted as soon as possible so that the UK can get back its right to govern itself. At the moment the UK is not governing itself and is being controlled completely by the EU. We need to get our country back. Don’t vote for Labour because they are pro-euro, don’t vote for Cameron because he is pro-euro,” a Ukip candidate said from a local by-election voting booth.

Think Tank: “Why It is Impossible For Christian West to Win Any Invasion on an Islamic Nation”

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“The only way the West can win is by nuclear methods of total eradication of an Islamic country and the people populating it. I think the commanders who invaded these Middle Eastern countries are totally misguided and do not understand the nature of Islam. It is all pervasive and even though the West may infiltrate tiny pockets of the land, they can never win over the whole country or people, ideologically, militarily, economically or politically. There are simple reasons for this: a) Everyone is a Muslim b) They will never capitulate to Christians c) Regular Infantry based military force does not work d) Every Muslim person in the invaded Islamic country will fight and never assimilate to the Christian West,” Dr. Roger Eavison, for the Military Strategy think tank revealed in a recent report.

One only needs to read Machievelli’s The Prince to understand how taking over whole nations cannot be achieved when dealing with Islamic based entities. Christian nations can be invaded and conquered if certain principalities are sympathetic to the invaders, however with an Islamic system, the whole nation has to conquered in one go. The insideous all pervasive nature of Islam, thus makes it impossible to take over the nation unless the whole population is cleansed completely.

“You would have to kill every man, woman, child and dog in an Islamic nation to take it over. That is the only way. The Western commanders and controllers of these invasions are totally short sighted to think that they can bring Democracy and Western rule to any Islamic nation. Sure, there can be Islamic tribal factions that can be paid off temporarily but that is not a long term solution within sectarian Muslim nations where the majority rule and people adhere to the Islamic religion,” Dr. Eavison added.

There are relatively moderate cultures who follow Islam, for example modern Turkey which was reformed by Kemal Ataturk in the early 20th century, however these reforms are slowly being lost by the prominent Islamic government of today under Erdogan. Turkey, under Islamic rule was never successfully invaded or conquered throughout history despite many invasions by the West.

The report cites that religion is a key element to warfare and invasion even today.

“Under George W. Bush, who is supposedly a staunch Christian, the U.S. invaders were viewed by Muslims as Christian Crusaders. George W. Bush did not deny that his war was that of a Christian Crusader and he attempted to conquer large swathes of the Middle East. The consequence of his actions only created more ‘Jihad’ and anger towards the invading Christian West and embroiled American forces in an insurgency led quagmire. The Bush regime fuelled the resentment and anger in the Middle East and created even more war and hardship. Maybe, this is what the Bush regime wanted?”

The West is therefore embroiled in an expensive never-ending perpetual war against Islam which in conventional terms, is militarily unattainable. The only way for the West to win against Islam is to kill and murder every single Muslim existing in the world.

America has only been a nation for 225 years, and the Islamic nations have been around for thousands. They have all the time in the world to wait, to sap the energy of the West. Already, the US is showing serious signs of economic unrest, and their expensive crusading missions of ‘Democratic Christian’ assimilation cost vast sums of money which they do not have anymore.

“The West’s wars on Islamic nations are bankrupting their own coffers. China and Russia stand to gain from this as they increase their economic and military capabilities while the United States is embroiled in quick sand. Printing money to make their dollars even more worthless and artificially inflating their stock markets. When inflation hits and they cannot pay their $17 Trillion deficit’s interest, let alone their massive social security bills; the invaded Islamic countries, who have played the long game, learned over thousands of years, will just sit back and watch the show,” a man playing backgammon in a Cairo coffee shop told the BBC World Service.

7 Beautiful Places to Go to So You Can Tap On Your Phone

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The Daily Squib Guide to Beautiful Smartphone Use

 

1) The Iguazu Waterfalls on the tri-border region of Brazil, Argentina and Paraguay are truly astounding, so get out your smartphone, turn your back to their sheer magnificence and enjoy using it to look at your latest Facebook profile update for hours on end.

 

2) Glen Nevis in Scotland will bring true harmony and peace to your smartphone tapping skills. Don’t forget to pack some deep fried mars bars for the four hour trek.

 

3) The Taj Mahal in India. Why not forget it even exists as you tap away endlessly at some inane nonsense on some social networking site?

 

4) Petra, Jordan. An ancient civilisation lies behind you as you tap away furiously at the miniscule keyboard on your smartphone.

 

5) The only Grand Canyon here is the memory on your smartphone as it fills up with enough apps to keep you busy for years on end.

 

6) Lake Louise, Canada. You won’t even notice you are here or that Grizzly sneaking up behind you.

 

7) Killarney, Ireland. A beautiful spot to turn your back to and get comfortable tapping away endlessly to the sounds of peace and quiet.