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Are Mass Hypno Parties the Latest Big Thing?

Vladimir Mao
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Are Mass Hypno Parties the Latest Big Thing?

“Like we get about fifty to a hundred kids in a room and everyone gets hynotised by each other. The beauty of this is that we all do it in silence and just sit there in a hypnotic altered state of consciousness until someone snaps us all out of it,” Doug Schulz, a freshman from Alabama’s Ducats University told local news outlets.

The mass hypno craze seems to be spreading like wildfire from state to state and is causing parents some concern.

“I guess if it’s a toss up between lil Jimmy becoming a gang banger, smoking weed or getting some girl pregnant, we opt for mass hypnosis. At least this way he sits there in a room for hours and does no harm to anyone or himself,” David Weinsberger, a concerned parent told CBS news.

Professor Julien Senrero from Harvard University explains a little more about the phenomena: “Contrary to belief, mass hypnosis parties have been performed on Americans for a long time. If anyone ever attended a church service; a football, baseball game or went to the cinema to watch a movie, you have been party to some form of mass hypnosis. Even something as innocent as watching the TV is a form of hypnosis.”

As the mass hypnosis parties spread across America, one thing is for sure, teens are embracing a clean and quiet bit of fun and there is nothing to be afraid of. Your eyes are getting tired, you can feel your eyelids getting heavier, slowly close your eyes now and relax…ahhhh…

Why Wear Google Glasses When You Can Have an Implant?

Vladimir Mao
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Why Wear Google Glasses When You Can Have an Implant?

“Why would you want to wear such things on your head? Especially when we have the technology to put all of that and more into your head. We can hardwire technology into your brain so that you can do a google search with a single thought, recall any book in history, speak to anyone you want in the world, and record any neuromorphic memory or visual, auditory experience you want with a blink of an eye,” Hubert Ventrine, a chief scientist at MicroDent Networks situated in California, USA told New Scientist magazine.

As well as the brain chip, there are plans for mandatory RFID chip implants in humans using the ruse of medical necessity or Obamacare.

Wearing special digital internet connected glasses are of course a way to slowly get people used to being connected at all times to the digital womb blanketing the world and human population.

“You can’t go from A – Z in one go. You have to go step by step so people get used to the steps and it is not a shock to their system. When we want people to embrace new technology we have to ease them into the direction we want them to go. We can also utilise celebrities and the media to make it cool. Once the people embrace one step willingly, then we move them onto the next step. Brain Microchipping will be here soon, and it will revolutionise humanity fusing machine with man. The hive mind will be a form of human Cloud computing and it will link everyone, and will be crucial to functioning in the new society. If you do not however embrace the brain chipping, you will probably be left behind, lose your job and be ostracised by the hive mind. By completely destroying the individual, we will introduce better, more advanced control systems for the global neural human mind,” Gunther Heinz, head of communications at Net Bios, another company developing a neural brain chip for the future, told the BBC.

North Korea Says ‘Prepare For Amazing Dancing Troupe Show’

Vladimir Mao
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North Korea Says ‘Prepare For Amazing Dancing Troupe Show’

Kim Jong-un escalated his inflammatory response to a new round of Gangnam You Tube videos by ordering his dancers on the border with South Korea to prepare for some “serious frigging dancing”. 

But China, North Korea’s only powerful ally, publicly urged “calm and Gangnam restraint”. 

Mr Kim chose a highly sensitive location for his address to the North Korean state’s official dancing troupe, visiting dance studios facing the South Korean island of Yeonpyeong, where a North Korean dance-off permanently crippled four people and wounded 19 in 2010.

Mr Kim “stressed the need for the dancers to keep themselves fully ready to go into action to dance like they never danced before”.

Mr Kim’s open talk of a new Korean Gangnam style dance-off came after his regime threatened America with a “pre-emptive thermo-groovy booty shake up” that would wipe the arses off those American hip hop body poppers once and for all.

The aggressive dance pose came in response to the unanimous vote in the UN Security Council on Thursday to impose further North Korean dance sanctions.

Kelly Osbourne Smelled a Cheeseburger on Fashion Set

Vladimir Mao
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Kelly Osbourne Smelled a Cheeseburger on Fashion Set

The employee was sacked yesterday after an internal enquiry into the sudden seizure of Kelly Osbourne and her subsequent hospitalisation.

“She hasn’t eaten solids for two years so when she smelled the cheeseburger her body seized up. She was fighting the urge with all her might. We heard in the ambulance she tried to eat the medics hand and kept talking about sesame buns, lettuce, ketchup, mayo and partially melted cheese with a well done char-grilled juicy patty slapped in the middle. She looked white as a sheet when they took her out of that ambulance poor thing,” Angela Hernendez, one of the researchers on the show revealed to celebrity site TMZ.

Ms Osbourne was covered by a large white sheet to protect her modesty from the waiting crowds who had gathered to watch the spectacle.

Plasticine formaldehyde skinned co-host, Joan Rivers said of the tragedy: “I can’t smell a thing myself because my nose is not real, but I saw Kelly’s nose twitching wildly and her eyes rolled up and we just saw the whites of her eyes. Her mouth started to drool as she then started shaking like she was having a benzo-fit or like in the movie Scanners before that guy’s f*cking head blows up. At first I started to laugh because I’m a cruel piece of sh*t like that, but eventually I came to my senses and after twenty or so minutes decided to call for the ambulance.”

Obama Voters Will Get Struck By Drones In Their Own Country

Vladimir Mao
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4
Obama Voters Will Get Struck By Drones In Their Own Country

The cowardly method of clinically killing people from thousands of feet in the air utilising radio controlled drones will soon come to the people who voted for Obama in the first place.

Obama’s Attorney General, Eric Holder has vowed to roll out the drones in the United States saying he will not hesitate to kill Americans on their own soil.

“You voted for us you dumb f*cking sheep. So we got a present for all y’all. We gonna kill you with drones from the air. How’s that for a thank you,” Mr Holder said before giggling like a drunk hyena.

Let’s see how the American population feels to live in perpetual fear and terror like the rest of the world being terrorised by American killer drones.

Natwest Still Running on Windows 97

Vladimir Mao
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0
Natwest Still Running on Windows 97

“I phoned up my Natwest branch and they said their Windows 97 had crashed and I’d have to go somewhere else for the cash. This is ridiculous,” an irate Natwest customer told the BBC.

According to Natwest’s head of IT, the glitch was noticed when the dreaded ‘blue screen of death’ happened.

“Once you see that you know it’s all over. We’ve been trying for hours to get our system back up and may have to finally upgrade to Windows 98 soon. I wish we had Macs here. This would never have happened with OS X. I don’t know what I’m talking about..Aaargh..Jibber jabber jibber!” one of the Natwest IT boys said from the Bangalore company looking after the servers.

Desert Rats Told to Take Bicycles into Battle or Better Still Walk

Vladimir Mao
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0
Desert Rats Told to Take Bicycles into Battle or Better Still Walk

“We’ve taken away their tanks. They can bloody well walk into battle from now on,” a senior MoD policy chief told the Daily Telegraph.

Thanks to David Cameron’s sweeping budget cuts the 7th Armoured Brigade will from now on be called the 7th Bicycle Brigade.

Major Kirk Turner, a veteran of the Gulf war said: “I expect Rommel must be laughing in his grave to see our armoured division sent to the scrap yard. On the flip side, this taking away tanks malarkey could get the brigade fit again. All those hours sitting safely in tanks was getting our troops lazy and unfit.”

It’s not only the tank brigade that has lost its equipment; there is also news that the Royal Air Force cuts put into force this week mean that thousands of fighter planes have been sold off as scrap metal thus grounding over 98% of pilots.

Why Reading the Daily Squib is a ‘Better Pain Relief Cure than Painkillers’

Vladimir Mao
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Why Reading the Daily Squib is a ‘Better Pain Relief Cure than Painkillers’

The study, from the University of Funster, Bulgaria, suggests that instead of using traditional painkillers, reading the Daily Squib can completely eliminate pain from readers.

“You can get your f*cking leg sawn off with a rusty blunt saw and as long as you’re reading the Daily Squib newspaper you won’t feel an ounce of pain or get a headache,” professor Radocu Allevia, told the BBC World Service yesterday.

Their research, reported in Dolorem, the journal of the International Pain and Headache Society, found that more than half of pain sufferers who read the Daily Squib during a prolonged painful episode experienced an improvement in symptoms.

They suggested that the Daily Squib triggered the release of endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, through the central nervous system, which can in turn reduce, or even eliminate, pain.

“The majority of patients who were in constant pain did not feel anything when they were presented with the Daily Squib,” the study concluded.

“All we heard was groaning though when they were reading the Squib which suggests they are still possibly feeling excruciating pain by reading that utter f*cking dross but their mind is somehow blocking it out,” another researcher revealed.

The research team suggests that the Daily Squib somehow numbs the reader and tricks their brain into thinking that they’re not feeling pain but in fact reading the Daily Squib increases actual pain levels to excruciating levels and is a paradox for scientists.

“Maybe by creating so much pain, like levels you will not f*cking believe, the Squib forces your body to release the body’s natural pain relief drug, endorphins. This is one theory we are working with,” Aldous Nuwerld, another scientist on the project revealed.

Massive Sink Hole Swallows Up Whole of Florida

Vladimir Mao
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4
Massive Sink Hole Swallows Up Whole of Florida

“One minute it was there, the next it was gone,” Jose Alvarez, 46, a sugar cane picker told local news stations around the state line.

According to news reports a huge sink hole swallowed up the 65,000 square mile state in one fell swoop taking major cities like Miami, Tampa Bay, Orlando, Jacksonville all to the bottom of the 12,000 foot deep hole.

Bubb Waczinski from New York City was about to travel to Orlando’s main attraction, Disney World with his family of four but they missed the plane by twenty minutes.

“Good thing we missed the plane because later on we heard the whole state of Florida was swallowed up. All I want to know is do I get my money back? Shit cost me a fortune.”

President Obama has declared the whole of Florida a disaster zone, while the Republicans have shown their anger that it was not Washington DC that got swallowed up but the Sunshine State instead.

Meanwhile Google Earth will have to adjust its map and satellite images to factor in the massive hole where Florida once used to be.

Comrade Chavez Goes to the Great Dacha in the Sky

Vladimir Mao
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2
Comrade Chavez Goes to the Great Dacha in the Sky

“Our beloved Comrade is now at rest in the great dacha in the sky. Venezuela’s loss is Stalin, Marx, Mao, Ken Livinstone and Lenin’s gain. He will also be meeting up with the other great revolutionary, Che Guevara up there in the red commie clouds,” a Venezuelan mourner told local Caracas radio stations today.

The staunch communist who amassed a personal fortune of $2 billion will be buried sometime next week.

On a slow news day like today, it’s great to get a little injection of news, and the death of Hugo Chavez is certainly a little morsel to sate the appetite slightly.

“We needed some kind of news like this, but it was inevitable, especially after the recent denials by Venezuelan officials for the past few days that Chavez had died. It’s always the case with such stories that when you have vehement denials like that, you know the inevitable has already occurred,” one of the news hungry journo’s outside the Chavez palace told their audience.

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