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London Mayor Boris Johnson Invites Toronto Mayor Over to Advise on Capital’s Crack Problem

Thomas Shutz
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London Mayor Boris Johnson Invites Toronto Mayor Over to Advise on Capital’s Crack Problem

“I’ve heard he has a lot of knowledge about crack cocaine,” Boris Johnson told the Evening Standard on Friday.

Crack cocaine is a terrible problem in London’s inner city area and is now even quite prevalent in the capital’s suburbs.

Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford is himself an expert in crack cocaine and can sniff it out from miles away.

Speaking from a crack den in Toronto the Mayor said: “Aaaah that hit the spot. Yeah, sure I would love to come to London, England. Where there’s crack, I be going to that spot. I need another blast of this pipe, hmmm. Hell, I might even introduce Boris to a bit of crack, and I’m not talking about his saucy secretary either.”

Eurovision: Next Year UK to Submit Bono, Sting, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and David Bowie and Still Lose

Thomas Shutz
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1
Eurovision: Next Year UK to Submit Bono, Sting, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and David Bowie and Still Lose

“You could put bloody Elvis up there and if he was from the UK he’d get 10 points maximum,” an angry UK Eurovision contest fan told the BBC.

Musical directors from the UK in charge of Britain’s singing contestants have now come up with a cunning plan to maybe alter the political voting a little bit.

“It’s not just a question of Greece giving Cyprus 12 points, and vice versa. If we put a super group together of the UK’s best artists of all time, we may get in the top five or you never know we could pip Romania or Azerbaijan by a few points,” Ian Templar, one of the directors of the UK Eurovision team told the BBC.

Warbling Ukrainians and silly folk songs from some backward former-Soviet country may very well be left behind next year.

“We’re still going to come last next year, but at least, we tried, innit,” said Sir Mick Jagger from his Manhattan apartment.

Obama Set For Another Beach Vacation This Summer

Thomas Shutz
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Obama Set For Another Beach Vacation This Summer

“It’s that time of year again. Surf board, check, swimming trunks, check, Marine holding umbrella, check,” President Obama quipped as he was set to fly out to Hawaii today for another three month vacation.

So far since coming into office Obama has played 115 rounds of golf and spent 86 days on vacation, equalling an estimated 976 hours.

The cost of these vacations totals over $78 million, and during his first term as president his Hawaii vacations alone cost the US taxpayer a whopping $20 million.

“I needs my vacations, and it’s not only me, check out Michelle’s trips to Spain and South Africa during my first term, they cost the taxpayer over $45 million. It’s just chump change though, I know Americans are struggling right now to even put food on the table but I’m telling you right now, I gots to get my vacation.” Obama said on Friday.

World Governments Concede They Do Not Actually Own Anything

Thomas Shutz
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0
World Governments Concede They Do Not Actually Own Anything

“We have come to the conclusion that there are no actual borders or nations. We made the laws up but they mean nothing and no one has the right to say they own a piece of land because it is part of the planet earth and cannot be owned. We therefore relinquish our false claim on the earth and will erase the laws which we have created to enslave people over many centuries,” a spokesman for the G196 World Summit told reporters.

The talks included members from 196 nations and the purpose of the event was to erase all forms of finance, law and nation states.

“What we are saying in very basic parlance is that it’s all made up. All these systems, documents, files, laws, religions, bureaucracy and red tape is all bull shit. It does not actually mean a thing and never has. The papers and documents you have to sign every day to do anything are totally irrelevant. The bills you have to pay to people and organisations just to exist on land that is not owned by the people who are making you pay them does not exist. They are making you pay taxes on things that they do not own. How can you make someone else pay you for something you do not own? The intrinsic value of something is unquantifiable when it comes to ownership of land or property. Money does not actually exist. The government, corporation, conglomerate, religious organisation does not own anything, no government has the right to own a thing. If you exist on planet earth why should you have to pay anyone anything? Think about it and wake up,” a reformed former member of a government told reporters outside the venue meeting place.

There were cheers from the assembled crowd when the news that all governments worldwide would finally relinquish their grip of corrupt greed over the people and creatures of the earth.

Nick Clegg Turning Yellow But It’s Not Jaundice

Thomas Shutz
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Nick Clegg Turning Yellow But It’s Not Jaundice

The colour of the Liberal Democrat’s logo is yellow and now it seems their leader is somehow turning a shade of yellow reminiscent of their party logo.

“I woke up one morning and I thought to myself what a lovely day for the UK to join the euro currency and stay in the EU. Then I looked in the mirror, lo and behold I had changed skin tone to Lib Dem, or as many say, the colour of fresh urine after a night out on the piss,” the deputy prime minister told his audience on LBC’s morning radio talk show call-in.

Doctors who examined the Lib Dem leader have concluded that Mr Clegg does not have jaundice and have given him a clean bill of health.

“I’m fitter than ever, however I have noticed a strange smell emanating from the pores in my skin, it kind of smells like a urinal. I’m not sure how this happened?” Mr Clegg said.

Obaminoid Aliens From Outer Space Could Invade Earth at Any Time Say Experts

Thomas Shutz
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1
Obaminoid Aliens From Outer Space Could Invade Earth at Any Time Say Experts

“We have reason to believe that there are Obaminoid aliens out there waiting to invade earth. Our analysis is that these creatures come from a planet 30 million light years from earth. They are highly advanced humanoid organisms and even have the ability to shape shift,” Professor of Molecular Astro-Physics, Jeb Bullworth, told the Space Science Journal.

The scary findings could develop into a major threat to Mankind some time in the future.

“Well, they could be here already. We know they shape shift. If this is the case they could cause enormous amounts of damage to our infrastructure without us even realising who’s doing it. Like what if one of these creatures somehow became president of the United States and started causing all sorts of mischief,” the professor added.

According to the lab’s research which has been ongoing for the last four years, the Obaminoids don’t like civilian humans to be armed, and they also don’t like humans to be free. They utilise a system of complete control and want to enslave humanity so they can carry out their sordid deeds.

“We’ve analysed data from many sources and are now 110% sure Obaminoids exist. It’s just a question of proving it to the science community now with more reports and presentations with factual scientifically gleaned evidence,” the professor surmised.

Man 87% Certain of Breaking Leg Chops it Off

Thomas Shutz
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Man 87% Certain of Breaking Leg Chops it Off

“I was reading about that actress Angelina Jolie mutilating her body just because some quack told her a nonsense statistic, so I did the same thing, I chopped off my frickin’ leg,” the man told Fox news on Tuesday.

The man said he was happy to do the amputation if it meant his leg never broke.

“At least I won’t break my right leg,” the man said hobbling around on crutches before falling and breaking his left leg.

There have been appeals from sane people around the world to put a stop to the sheer madness of predictive body mutilation as well as celebrity endorsements of the stupid practice.

Cameron: Yes No Yes No Yes No

Thomas Shutz
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Cameron: Yes No Yes No Yes No

“You the people will be forced to vote Yes No on the ballot sheet for the In Out EU referendum,” the PM said from 10 Downing street, twitching uncontrollably.

The referendum will be written into law next week and will ensure that everyone in the UK doesn’t have a say in the In Out EU referendum.

According to Cabinet insiders, the In Out EU ballot paper will consist of a simple box with a ‘yes no’ after it.

“I’m confused,” a member of the public said to a BBC crew in the streets of Harrogate, Yorkshire, today, when asked about the In Out referendum.

Boris Johnson, the London Mayor said: “In, out, in, out, in, out, just don’t tell the missus about it.”

Insane French Socialists Put Taxation on Revolution

Thomas Shutz
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Insane French Socialists Put Taxation on Revolution

“I have today put into law a tax on revolution. This will be in addition to a tax rise of 95% on lemons, women’s breasts, pissing and farting,” he said to Ministers at the French parliament.

The taxation on revolution is an affront to French sensibilities and has been denounced as unpatriotic.

“I find it crazy that a socialist like Hollande would put a ridiculous tax on something like the French Revolution which in itself was a piece of socialist theatre. What’s next a tax on socialism? I know we are bankrupt and desperate for some bloody money but this is preposterous,” an angry socialist said from the steps of the parliament today.

Since Hollande came to power he has enraged millions of French people and destroyed all business in France with his massive tax rises and complete ineptitude.

“Hollande is insane. He is acting like king Louis XVI and soon his head will be in the guillotine and we do not care if he taxes us for that,” another enraged Frenchman shouted during a march in Hôtel de Ville on Monday.

Man Shoots Obama Birth Certificate From Tree

Thomas Shutz
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0

“I was just emptying clip after clip in all directions. I love doing that, and I saw a piece of paper flutter down from the trees,” Earl Waskowitz, 43, from Janeville said of the amazing find.

There’s only one problem though, the birth certificate has so many holes in it now that forensic document experts may have a hard time piecing the pieces together.

President Obama, who was busy meeting the British PM in Washington today, did not comment about the find but maybe this is one time he will be happy about gun play.

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