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Enjoy the Rolling Hills of the English Countryside While You Still Can

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The ancient lanes trodden by centuries of Britons, the stone walls extending over the lush green fields and assortment of trees that have seen Britain’s astoundingly rich history, they will all be flattened, as will the thousand year churches and tiny hamlets.

When the bulldozers come they will dig the fields and lay down concrete for the affordable housing schemes required to house EU and Third World immigration as well as shale gas fracking workers. The educated and professional EU residents stay in their countries, we only get the detritous, and thus our countryside will bear the brunt of Britain being in the EU. You cannot fight progress the politicians will say, but nothing can justify what they plan to do to the countryside just so that Britain can stay in the EU.

“These country lanes buzzing with bees and wildlife, the dark satanic mills and rolling hills and babbling brooks will not be needed any more. There will be soviet-era style apartment blocks put here to accommodate the massive influx of poor former soviet bloc immigrants now in the EU who will invariably have more children and breed by the dozen. As Britain’s ageing original inhabitants die off, they will be replaced by the only people breeding these days, the immigrants and uneducated white benefits families,” social historian, Giles Brandbreth, told the Daily Mail.

A government spokesman said: “We need to build social housing schemes not only for the millions of EU immigrants we are hosting but for their children as well. This is why it is imperative that we accelerate the fracking shale gas operations because energy will be needed for the millions of extra families. As for the NHS and free schooling Britons have enjoyed for the best part of half a century, you can kiss that goodbye because the 29 million extra Bulgarians and Romanians who will be coming here in 2014 will destroy the already crumbling stretched welfare system once and for all. Visiting your local GP will cost you an arm and a leg, literally. So don’t forget, we’ll be increasing taxes so you can pay for all these enhancements.”

Twitter Trolls Found Under Waterloo Bridge

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Detective Inspector Grant Bacon of the Metropolitan Police revealed the details of the Twitter troll swoop this evening.

“The Met e-crimes unit was directed to Waterloo Bridge utilising sophisticated computer equipment and satellite navigation devices costing millions of pounds paid for by the UK taxpayer. We then proceeded to arrest the offending Twitter trolls as they continued to broadcast offensive tweets to distressed women in the Twitterverse. The aforementioned trolls were then subsequently removed from under the bridge and taken to Belmarsh prison to be held at her Majesty’s pleasure. If we find any more Twitter offenders, we will locate you under the bridges where you congregate and prosecute you for causing Twitter distress.”

According to the police report, a huddle of Twitter trolls were under the bridge at the time of the arrest all trying to troll female journalists with vile trolling messages. Some, even after being handcuffed, were still trying to troll using their smartphones, such was their trolling vigour.

An ex-Twitter troller explained to the BBC how they operate: “We all find a bridge and once under a bridge, we have to troll. The bridge can be anywhere, I’ve heard even as far as Aberystwyth. If we see the rozzers, it don’t matter, we just carry on trolling and trolling and trolling. I’ve stopped now after extensive therapy, but I still dream of it. Aaaargh! AAAaargh! I’m feeling a trolling relapse. Got to fight it. That fu**ing bitch. Pound note? Fifty pound note!!”

Win Cash Prizes – The Daily Squib Giga-Competition

The first person to find a Daily Squib logo in the picture will win a ten grand prize. The competition will end at 11.59 GMT on Sunday 4 August.

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Terms and conditions: You cannot enter the competition if you or any of your family members are employed by the Daily Squib. We have the right to take your prize money and spend it down the pub. The competition will end 11.59 am GMT on Sunday 4 August. Any late entries will not be counted or elligible for the prize.

Are Solar Flares Still Stuck in the Seventies?

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“We have seen the solar flares, and some of these things are gigantinc bell bottoms streaking through the freaking sky all over the damn place. Some solar flares seem to dance around, like something from Saturday Night Fever, and others clop around the sun with something that looks like a platform shoe,” chief solar scientist, Ed Danitz, told CBS news.

There is a danger that some of these Studio 54 solar flares could somehow reach the earth causing EMP disco magic.

How the English Were Defeated Without One Single Shot Fired

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“The Second World War was fought for nothing, and Britain never defeated Germany. Those soldiers in WW2 fought and died for absolutely nothing, and the bravery of the British people throughout those trying years have all but been lost to Germany now. The English have all but capitulated to their great enemy, for what was once their foe is now their master, they have won the economic war without one single shot and now they are the ones dictating our laws, our economic policy and our lives. As David Cameron’s great great grandfather, Emile Levita would have said, the job is done,” John Smith, one of the only remaining Englishmen in his hometown said Friday.

Cambridge historian, Bradley Wigmore has a less abrasive tone: “One has to first understand that the first two wars were financed by British and American banks, they financed the Nazis and their military build up. The purpose of the two wars was simply to divide and conquer. It is a very simple concept, through the instrument of war one can speed through changes that need to be made to conquer opposing nations. By the use of nationalism as a tool, one can play two sides together to increase the velocity of global change and assimilation. We have to understand that the controllers think in 100 year increments, most every day people can only barely think 5 years ahead. States, multi-national companies and the people above the State, plan in 100 or 200 year increments. Hitler himself was thinking in 1000 year increments with his 1000 year Reich. Well, to get to the point, those two world wars (battles) were simply the precursor for the United Nations and EU. Britain supposedly won the battles, they were a token, but the war has definitely been won by Germany and the EU. Britain will still exist in small form, but its cultural heritage and union will be a thing of the past. Nationalism will be punished, as it is now on almost a daily basis. You are EU now not English or British.”

The EU has achieved more though non-military means than Hitler ever hoped to achieve. Hitler was simply a pawn in a much bigger game.

Simple Solution Found For Twitter Hysteria: “If You Can’t Handle It Get Off It”

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“It’s quite simple really, if your sensibilities are offended in any way by being on Twitter or the internet, just get off it. That’s it. Delete your account and do something else that is more attune to your personality. But please don’t shut it down for all the rest just because you were offended or have a thin skin,” an internet freedom advocator revealed today.

By utilising the spectre of illegal pictures to ban all forms of legal naughtiness, as well as shut down large parts of the internet with censorship of anything that is deemed as unpalatable to the people trying to destroy freedom of speech or expression, is in itself dangerous to society and culture.

“What these feminists are essentially doing is trying to shut off the natural male psyche. If they win their crusade, men who are already marginalised and attacked in British society on a daily basis, will fall further to even higher levels of emasculation. It is a well known Soviet, Socialist method of operation, where men are made to feel guilty for liking the female form. Once they shut down that part of the internet, there will be a totalitarian concrete wall over the internet where anything that is not deemed to celebrate socialist state policies will be censored. This limits freedom of expression and the freedom to protest perceived injustices as well as limiting the furtherance of knowledge and understanding of the human condition,” professor of Societal and Cultural studies at Reading University, Bartholomew Herring, told the Telegraph.

If you don’t like something, do something else. Simple.

Congratulations to Robert Mugabe For Getting 140% of Votes

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“We have a saying in my country, he who has the biggest armed mob wins. Oops I did it again. Until the next election eh,” a celebratory Mr Mugabe said from his plush palace situated 34 km from Harare.

Mr Mugabe, who has won every election since his rise to power has set an astounding record of votes gained in this latest election.

“It’s amazing, I knew the astounding results of the election before the votes were even cast,” an indepenent Zanu-PF electoral observer told state controlled news services.

Exclusive First Pictures of Cowell Baby

Following the happy news, British X Factor creator Simon, 53, took to Twitter to praise his newly wed socialite wife. “Wow! I just saw my bank balance disappear down the drains,” he wrote. “All that hard work polluting the airwaves and exploiting vulnerable deluded people for huge profits now flushed down the khazi.”

A team of Silverman’s lawyers and accountants attended the wedding two weeks before the birth, and it is understood that Lauren forced Simon to sign her up with her own show as well as marry her, additionally forcing Cowell to foot the bill for the lawyer’s fees for her previous marriage’s husband.

Cowell who was estimated to be worth in excess of $500 million, can now kiss all of that goodbye. Still at least he’s still got those talented X-Factor winners on top of the charts, so no worries there.

 

The baby picture was published in this month’s edition of Hello magazine

“Fracking Hell !”

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“All fracking hell is going to break loose up here when the fracking diggers turn up. There will be fracking chaos, the mother fracking riot of the new fracking century,” Tanya Crust, an anti-fracker told the BBC.

The government’s proposals to frack the North with thrusting frack machines is a proposal that is driving some people fracking mad.

“First we get a long fracking drill, move it around a big bushy fracking hole, then thrust the fracker deep in there moving the bulbous fracking head in and out until it goes deeper and deeper. When the fracking rhythm is getting too much, the earth will tremor and there will be a large uncontrollable explosion of spurting frack juice which will shoot out the pulsating frack hole splurging all over the fracking place. Post fracking cigarettes are of course obligatory,” a fracking engineer said at a proposed fracking site.

Some fracking activists are now suggesting a fracking chastity belt to protect the earth from getting a good fracking but that could be a logistical costly fracking nightmare.

George Zimmerman Penning Own Rap Album Produced by Dr. Dre

“This here a’bum gonna be a bess seller. Y’all need to listen we all inda mu’fu**in’ hizzouse,” Dr. Dre said from the plush recording facility at Soulplex studios, deep in the heart of Miami.

Amongst the blunts and chronic smoke, you can hear the voices rapping away like a deuce mofo party plan tech-9 firing off a clip.

Zimmerman comes in: “I’ma say this and I’ma end mine. If you ain’t down for the mall cops here in the United States, period point blank. If you ain’t down for the ones that suffer in neighbourhood watch inda gated communities and shit. Devil you need to step your punk ass to the side and let us brothers and us guardians step in and start puttin some funk in that ass.”

Snoop comes in and slams his head on the deck.

“I got my finger on the trigger so niggaz wonder why But livin in the gated community it’s do-or-die.”

After the session is over, there is a yell and someone says: “Mmm Hmm, triple cheeseburger, some fries and mothafu**in’ couple sodas and shit, and hot apple turnover and all dat old shit nigga Wooo I’m gonna get my munch onnn!!!”