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Help My New Eco House Just Got Flooded

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If there ever was proof of global warming this is it. I built my Eco house last June to much praise from my Eco chums only to see it washed away this morning in a biblical flood that would make a Christian devotee nod his/her head in confirmation of the fictional Noah story.

You see, here we are in little old Blighty doing all those little Eco things to save the environment but we’re not thinking globally. What use is any Eco drive on this tiny island when you have countries like China and the USA pumping out tonnes of pollutants into the atmosphere daily? Do we not realise that those pollutants travel around the globe’s atmosphere?

Here’s a small thought, 1.6 billion Chinese people want to drive SUVs, they need all the mod cons, add in the Americans with their SUVs and lest we forget the Russians. How about the billions of factory farms, and the millions of factories churning out tonnes of heavy chemicals high up into the atmosphere on a daily basis? Last I looked America uses up 60% of the earth’s resources, now that’s one country! Please excuse me but shouldn’t America be classified as a world parasite, its greed is disproportionate to its benefit?

So all you Eco heads in the UK, you may think you’re doing something right, but the chemicals and carcinogens are pushed high into the atmosphere where they travel around the earth and slowly blanket the surface with poisonous malevolence. The pesticides, the steroids, the bisphenol A, the heavy metals you all ingest daily, you cannot see unless you are medically analysed. It’s in the air you breathe, it’s in the water you drink, it’s in a health conscious mother’s womb, and further more, no Eco drive in the UK will make a blind bit of difference because the factories and traffic are still churning out the stuff globally, even if the UK stops. Unless you have access to the latest chelation equipment that our masters use, and they’re exclusive food and water supply, it’s futile. By all means try and eat healthily while the skies are being sprayed daily, at least your outward appearance will please you, but if the polar bears are contaminated in the Antarctic what chance do you have?

Here I sit in a flood, my Eco house has washed away, and I look up to the atmosphere as more poisons created by industrial greed and overpopulation rain down on my head.

Ah, I just saw Harry and William on a day out, I feel much better now, help is finally at hand.

Romanian Benefits Cheat Has Benefits Restored After Learning English

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Djargo Romenescu, a convicted benefits cheat who swindled £200,000 of benefits last year, could not speak English when he was arrested in January.

After a two week stay in prison for his crime where he learned to speak English, he was allowed to continue receiving benefits equating to £48,000 per annum and was upgraded to a four bedroom end of terrace house in a posh part of town.

“He said he was sorry, we allowed him to keep the 200k and have reinstated his benefits in full. He speaks perfect English now, and jokes with us about his numerous bank accounts, even detailing the off shore holdings he has in Jersey,” the man’s benefits officer for Reading council told the BBC.

Convicted Romanian benefits cheat, Mr Romenescu was naturally delighted: “I love Britain, come brother come sister, they give us everything here. God bless you British mugs.”

The recent EU migrant plans to bring his extended family of 3580 to Britain in July and his generosity does not end there, he has even pledged £2.60 to flood hit residents in Somerset.

Ray Kurzweil Says That Cyborgs Will Not Be Able to Fart

Futurist and supreme Google brain god, Ray Kurzweil, has admitted in a recent Wired magazine article that cyborgs or transhumans will not be able to pass wind anymore.

“Let’s reference Moore’s law for a second, and if we plot the exponential technological curve to the highest point, divide that by the circumference of both indices whilst eating a plate of beans, the ratio to sequential posterior gas ejection may exceed the post bean digestive movement through the lower intestine, exiting the rectum with a loud gaseous ripping sound. But in less than thirty years I foresee post-humans not finding any necessity to fart. I mean when you do not have an intestinal tract, there would be no need to blow raspberries anymore. We may miss the wonderful relieving sounds of letting one go, it is so satisfying and how about those wonderful embarrassed looks in elevators, but there may be synthetic farting, virtual reality arse burps, as for replicating the awful smells, that’s something for future programmers to work out. I’m sure if the necessary neurons  are stimulated by brain chips, the brain can be tricked into smelling anything it wants, just as long as it’s your own bottom gas and not some other synthetic being’s unholy stimuli.”

Flood Photo Ops Flooding Everywhere

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“There is a lot of flooding going on as you can see from the photos of assorted politicians and celebrities posing in flooding photos. We never see them any other time,” a flooded resident of Surrey said from underneath six feet of rain water.

News reporters have been firmly ensconced in rubber dinghies all over the country flooding newspapers with pictures of politicians pointing purposely.

“We had twelve of them in this stretch of flood water yesterday but today haven’t seen any of them. I’m like a wildlife photographer,” a Daily Mail photo journalist revealed in another politician picture special.

Increasing Number of Women Insist on Credit Checks This Valentine’s

 

As if it wasn’t hard enough for men already, a new national survey has revealed that millions of women are getting credit reports on prospective partners.

Mavis Longleat, a dating consultant is not surprised in the least.

“The main focus is on how much cash the man is capable of spending on you before you let him into the pearly palace. Especially on Valentine’s Day, a man has to prove that he has the right credit. If he doesn’t splash the cash, dinners, shopping and gifts, move on to the next one. It costs a man about £200 to get a woman into bed, but you can milk that for longer by leading the poor bastard along even further. ”

What’s on the top of the list this Valentine’s Day? The survey revealed that credit card gifts from men with high spending limits was desired most. A single rose or a poem, maybe a tentative kiss was nowhere to be seen.

Valentine’s Credit

1) Barclays Premier Card with money back points will put a big smile on her face, especially when she walks into the hand bag shop

2) HSBC credit card, comes with air miles for more long distance shopping trips

3) Egg credit card, a bit like the egg on a man’s face when he sees the f*cking bill after being dumped because the credit limit was hit

4) Tesco credit card, the lucky lady will get points every time she uses it but the man gets no points, he might get a shag after the third or fourth date, only after she’s cleaned out his account completely

5) American Express, for that special Valentine’s experience. Give one of these to a girl and you’ll be in like Flynn

Bouncers From Exclusive Club Reprimanded For Unnecessary Brutality

Bouncers from an exclusive West London night club have been reprimanded by council officials for their unnecessary hard edged bouncing style.

The exclusive club called Mathikki, serves cocktails that cost thousands of pounds, but things can get a little hairy if the bouncers don’t like the look of you at the door.

“We have a very exclusive clientèle who attend our premises, therefore if you’re not part of the right bloodline, it’s orf with your head,” Red Mist Harry, one of the bouncers in question told the Kensington Advertiser.

The three offending bouncers, Red Mist Harry, Box Ears Charlie, and Crazy Tooth Willy are notorious in the bouncing profession for not taking any nonsense.

“I saw one chap, he tried to walk in and said he was the owner of Harrods even showing a badge. They took one look at him and flung him in the dustbin, then told him to go back to Egypt. There used to be four bouncers at the door, but last I heard, Lippy Phil is doing a stretch in Sandringham,” a local resident revealed.

Scots Could Deny England Haggis, Neeps and Tatties

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Scottish nationalists are threatening England by denying them Scottish treats if they are not allowed to keep the pound sterling when they gain independence.

“It’s simple, you stop us using the sterling and we cut off supplies of haggis, shortbread, proper whisky, bonnie lasses with fire red hair and don’t forget Murray, no more tennis for you’se English,” SNP spokesman, Angus McTruss told BBC Scotland yesterday.

An unelected EU finance minister said on Wednesday: “If you Scots can’t keep the pound sterling, you must join the Euro. It will be in your main interests and will split Britain up even further. Of course that’s something we are not encouraging, heh, heh, heh!”

NHS Data: Got Drunk Ended Up in A&E When You Were 18 Prepare to Lose Your Job

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The era of medical privacy is finally over in the UK as all private patients’ NHS data will be released in a massive data free for all. This means insurance companies, employers and anyone else who wants to know about your ailments can use the data about you to do as they please.

“It’s great, I’ve had my life insurance cancelled, my employer fired me and now I’ve got tonnes of marketers after me about my illness. Thank you Cameron. Let’s have it for doctor patient confidentiality, three cheers, hip hip!” a patient who used to have some privacy told Sky news.

As for life’s transgressions, people will be punished for their youthful exuberance as future employers will balk at employing those who may have ended up in A&E one time too many, or utilised any form of pharmaceutical help to get by in life.

“We’re simply telling the world about your medical history. There is nothing to fear here when we distribute all of your NHS data. If you have nothing to hide there is no need to worry” a government official told the BBC.

Poll Made Me Believe What They Wanted Me to Believe Says Man

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A man who read a poll result about a subject but initially had his doubts about it, now believes that the poll result is correct and has allayed his fears about the subject.

“I used to have an opinion about something but when I read the poll result, you know 1,345 people were polled out of a population of 65 million in the UK, I realised I was the one in the wrong,” David Crabtree, 45, an accountant from West Glamorgan, told a BBC poll.

Although polls are not representative of the population, they are widely used to enforce and change public opinion by citing poll results as proof.

“I love polls. No, not Poles, but polls. They’re great for changing the mind of the proles. Put a poll in an informative article and voila, you have solid proof that you were right all along. We just did a poll on how effective polls were in changing peoples’ minds yesterday. The poll results were astounding, we surveyed 53 people out of a possible 65 million to come to the conclusion that polls are wonderful and we need more polls to tell us that polls are a great way to poll people,” senior director for the National Office of Statistics and Polls said in a recent poll.

Smoking to be Banned in Car Boots

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If you’ve been trussed up and bundled into the boot of a car by a bunch of gangsters from Essex, then lighting up in the boot is banned say MPs.

Luciana Swivvlestick, Shadow health minister has welcomed the Coalition government adopting the proposal she made two weeks ago into law, and smoking will finally be banned in car trunks .

The shadow health minister Luciana Swivvlestick said: “This is a great victory for those who get stuffed into car boots by the hundreds of thousands every year. It is a matter of protection.”

A Department of Health spokesman said: “If you’re in the boot of a car being rushed off to some forest clearing by some not very nice people, you need to ensure that you are healthy. Lighting up a cigarette is detrimental to your health and frankly will not help the situation. I’m sure you would probably be crapping in your pants anyway. Give it a rest, there’s no need to light up, especially when you start thinking about what the people who put you in the boot in the first place will do to you once they drag you out of the car.”

Next week, the government proposes a ban on smoking whilst scuba diving.