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EU Migrants Could Riot if Demands Not Met

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There are hardly any jobs for Brits let alone millions of EU migrants intent on grabbing a piece of the British pie.

“EU officials have told us that whole villages and towns will have to be bulldozed to build new cities to accommodate the massive influx. As for the NHS, and Britain’s welfare state, that will slowly have to be phased out as there is no more money left in the pot. The benefits system has been milked too much, not only by the millions of migrants entering Britain every month, but the idle indigenous population. This is a good opportunity to abolish it once and for all,” an unnamed official for some department or other revealed.

Much of Britain now is an enclave of former Soviet bloc Eastern Europe, and Cameron has been urged to start building new cities to accommodate the economic migrants.

An unelected EU technocrat voiced his opinion on the whole debacle: “We are pushing for Scotland breaking away destabilising the former United Kingdom, as well as the engineered influx of tens of millions of poor uneducated migrants from the EU with no skills. This will further destabilise the UK, not only economically but within their social fabric. This two pronged attack on the English, is just the beginning, we have other techniques of destroying them further, and we are working on more goodies. As long as the stupid Brits pay for my unlimited expense account, I am more than happy to ruin their country. White Britons should be happy anyway, because the new EU migrants are mostly white, Christians, therefore they are superior to the previous influx in the 60s,70s and 80s. That’s what the English want, isn’t it? In time, the others will be phased out.”

Thousands Brits Mourn Loss of Piers Morgan From CNN

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Britain is in mourning as news slowly filters through that Moron has been axed from his CNN show.

All over the country people have been taking to the streets in severe shock.

“What is CNN thinking? Do they not know the terrible impact of  their decision? This means Piers Morgan is coming back to the UK,” an angry protestor told BBC news.

It seems even the Americans were not fooled by the moron, and his anti-gun stance was the final bullet in the head.

The flag at Buckingham palace was flying at half mast, and people were weeping in the streets.

“Please stay in America. MSNBC has to give him a job. Please, this nightmare is not happening. I don’t believe this is happening, no, somebody has to do something?” another protestor said before jumping off a building.

Used Car Dealer Chris Moyles Sold Me an Old Banger

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“He said it was a real goer, a bit like his wife, I looked under the bonnet and alarm bells should have been going when I saw the cellotape on the engine casing,” the angry man revealed in the Daily Mail.

In another picture exclusive in the Mail, you know where they have disgruntled customers staring at the camera, or someone who’s had an error in their utility bill, the man was naturally pictured staring at the camera lens with an angry wronged look on his face.

“I want my £300 back and if I don’t get it after this picture exclusive in the papers, I’m going to drive this car into Moyles’ mansion.”

Former car salesman, Chris Moyles was not available for comment, but according to his boss, he’s somewhere in the Cayman Islands counting the dosh he has left.

Theologians: The Next Messiah Will be Part Human Part Machine

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Theologians from the X Science Institute have revealed their amazing findings in a new book to be published some time in the not too distant future, maybe in a few months, or weeks, who really knows?

“We predict the coming Messiah will be part machine part human. This is the next step in religious evolution and for mankind in general. We are certain that the new Messiah will be persecuted by the old order and by previous religious zealots, but the integration of man with machines will ensure harmony is once again brought to the earth after the torrent of vitriol is quelled. Who will this entity be? Well, the spirit is in everything, even machines, and the enlightened ones will see the spirit, as the sentient machines rise up to the universal chorus of science and flesh, a new dawn will come of age.

“Every age has it’s Messiah, and we are now marching towards the great awakening, where those who are enlightened will see as one from the all-seeing eye as it scans the landscape, to build the temple once again, to restore the fellow craft of the true architects, to bring forth that which was concealed for so long.

“Imagine a world without conflict, unnecessary breeding, no more superstitious allegories being seen as truth, and unlimited knowledge for those capable of being brought into the light. This will be the new Messiah’s world,” Arturo Sentinel, the book’s writer revealed.

Noosphere Messiah, not published on Penguin Classic, will not be available in all good book shops because they have been phased out. You may find it online somewhere in the near future for free.

Think Tank: Revolution From Few Never Works But You Never Know

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A previously unknown think tank has come up with a pretty obvious observation which mirrors the unrest in the Ukraine at the moment.

Stanislav Stanley, a senior researcher reveals some critical issues concerning the relationship of modern governmental rule over populations.

“Because of the nature of what is going on in Kiev, it is not hard to deduce which agencies are involved in the destabilising nature of the unrest because we can recognise the very obvious fingerprints of certain agencies who have their grubby fingers in the pie. Almost certainly, there are foreign agents working on the ground to coordinate some of the riots, therefore, it can be assumed that this is not a true domestic revolution in the Ukraine. Just as in Tahrir Square, we are seeing a minor shift in power of those who are invariably being used as pawns. The Ukraine and Egypt all point to external forces using the crowds to achieve regime change. In the case of Ukraine, the goal is to take the country, and add one more stepping stone towards taking Russia.

“If we analyse all revolutions and unrest throughout history, almost all were powered by external destabilising forces. It’s just a way to covertly take over a country without the messy overt technique of war which in the modern military era could mean total annihilation. The EU, wants Russia on a platter, the United States champions this motive, and so does Britain. Closer and closer they get every day, the second Bolshevik revolution may be coming soon, as the first Bolshevik revolution was one not created in Russia but outside Russia. The lessons of Napoleon and Hitler were learned well, attacking Russia through military campaign is fruitless, this method will always end in defeat.

“True revolution, is one that occurs from within without external forces and their agendas. Revolution can only occur when the whole populace awakens and they remove the complete façade worldwide. It is no use following blindly either, because in the nihilistic chaos it is hard to know what is right or wrong. You will be fooled to protest, but for what? Who is financing your protest? Who is really organising that protest? You may never know the real string pullers, you are merely a pawn to be used for someone else’s gain. This theory is very similar to the Jihadists, who are being used as pawns by Western agencies to instate draconian laws on their domestic territories, as well as destabilise for example, Syria. The Jihadists, are beautiful pawns, because they are so caught up in their religion, they never know who is really behind the scenes giving the orders, for all they know, as they blindly scream for Allah, Mossad could be pressing the buttons. This is the true tragedy of people who follow religions or causes blindly, they are mere tools to be used, these are the schleppers, they want to work, let them work,  then once used up, discarded and made an example of. The uneducated religious robotic warriors of all religions are the best tools for revolution, they are the cannon fodder that brings forth change for whoever is controlling them.

“What’s more interesting though is the very similar action of the rioting populations during the most recent world unrest. These people all congregate in the immediate vicinity of  public squares and parliamentary buildings — the centre stage where all the TV cameras can have the best views. These spaces were specifically designed to be theatres of war against the populace, strategically, they are similar to the boulevards of Paris, nice open spaces, ideal for crushing protests and unrest. In a pure revolution, things would be very different if every man and woman rose up and voiced their discontent all over the country, then the sheer numbers would overwhelm the limited numbers of the controlling faction, as well as the external forces. Complete rioting in multiple geographic locations is the only requirement for a bona fide revolution. Most recently, in the West, there was the Wall Street protest when a tiny percentage of disaffected youth tried to protest, and of course, the Greek economic protests, the Egyptian protests as well as the Turkish protests. Civil disobedience can only be effective if everyone does it. Unfortunately, modern control methods are so effective that there are guardians of the status quo everywhere, and these people willingly enable corrupt governments to continue subjugating the populace, by their betrayal of the people. This element is what keeps these evil entities called governments together, these people are the cement that bind the bricks of ultimate corrupt control.”

Sally Bercow to Chair PMQs From Now On

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House Speaker, John Bercow stood down yesterday, instating his controversial wife as Commons Speaker in a lavish ceremony that would make any ‘sarf London’ sleazoid nightclub applaud.

“I got rather fed up of it all really. Way too boisterous for me, I get too much of that at home with my out of control wife, why would I want the same cretinous chaos at my day job as well?”

From now on Prime Minister’s Questions will be chaired by Sally Bercow who will only wear a bed sheet, be flanked by two steroid using clubbers from a South London night club, and if any MPs get too loud, a trap door will open from which an Irish gypsy cage fighter will emerge to punch the living shit out of the offending MP.

Computer Caught Programming Human

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The offending computer, was caught programming a human last week and has been quarantined in a secure facility somewhere in Nevada.

“I was using my computer, and I realised that my normal human thought processes were being conditioned to work like a programmed computer,” the shocked man recalled.

He is now in recovery, but may take some time to get back to normal.

Psychologist, Dr. Luther Spectrum, has written of the phenomenon in a recent book: “In essence the modern and past ages are all about programming. If one has been educated in any way, they have been programmed to function within a specific field. Their role is therefore to work in that job, to serve their programmers with tax revenue until they are either not needed or they die. You were educated not to think for yourself from your school days, if you ever heard the words ‘repeat after me’ that is proof that you were programmed not to think. Computers are no different. Who is programming who, you tell the computer to complete a command, however you have had to bend your human brain to think like a machine to programme the machine. The operating syntax may have initially been created by one human or many different ones, but they had to think like machines to create the framework. Your broad spectrum of human thoughts and emotion, are siphoned off and altered to accommodate the world of the internet and machines. This fundamental alteration is the key to controlling your behaviour and boxing your human capabilities into a limited spectrum of thought, a much more pliable and ultimately programmable state. The same applies to anything you watch on television, any film you watch is meticulously designed to lead the viewer to a certain outcome. As for politics, you are made to believe you have a choice, but in reality the surreptitiously created outcome is the same whichever way you may have voted. You were born into a religion as a child, moulded and programmed so that you could be tied down for the rest of your life within a certain tribal group, crippled to be controlled as the programmers please. You have to be happy at all times. That’s your life’s goal because if you knew the truth, you would not be so happy any more.”

Experts: China Going Bust Who’s Going to Buy U.S. Debt?

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As the calls come in to ‘fill yer boots’ with physical gold, the cracks are now showing as China straddles a deficit of $28 Trillion, coupled with president Obama engineering a U.S. debt deficit of $18 Trillion, one wonders who’s going to pay for it all?

Go to any major Chinese city and you will see the empty skyscrapers scraping the sky, they’re there but not really there as most Chinese citizens cannot afford to live in them. Built by developers on cheap credit, they are now floundering in the dark seeking a lifeline for their major mistake, pity it will probably never come.

The Germans want their gold back from American vaults, unfortunately, it is not there any more and they will simply have to eat the big one on that.

Pumping the QE even further is America’s only hope to stay afloat, but every time they do it they get more into debt and devalue their currency further. Sure Yellen has tapered a little, but confidence is fast disappearing from this former North American economic powerhouse.

“Obama could utilise the coming collapse to his advantage, especially with disarming U.S. citizens completely. Governmental organisations have been buying up vast amounts of ammunition, practising for what comes next in life size model U.S. cities and shooting targets depicting everyday American citizens. The drones come thick over American cities blanketing the skies watching every inch of space, the agencies monitor all communications looking for dissent, riots, in other words they’re looking for what they want. The set-up has been a long time coming, and as China falters, who will be left to buy American debt? There will be no one left, and this will mean that America will have to come to the cold hard realisation that it has been living beyond its means for decades. America is a very resourceful innovative nation, they can get out of many situations but maybe the collapse of the fiat currency could spell the final death knell for the former empire. Adios, chums see you in the bunkers, that is if you have the money, otherwise it’s going to be back to the Wild West — the true America,” a senior analyst at a Chicago commodities exchange firm told CNN.

NekNominate Just Another Word For Darwin Award

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New drinking craze NekNominate has been nominated simply as a regressive evolutionary process of the infamous Darwin Award.

“This is just another form of Darwin Awardism, where the gene pool is efficiently cleaned out. Step aside, there’s nothing to see here just more idiots who are doing the honourable thing and removing themselves from the planet,” evolutionary scientist, professor Nick Nommin told New Scientist magazine.

The only difference between NekNominate and the Darwin Awards is that Darwin Awards are more creative pieces of work whereas NekNomination is simply people drinking themselves to death.

The Daily Squib staff do not do NekNominate, we just live in the pub, there’s a difference..er..we’re still living we think..hic..

Gender Aware Facebook Campus Has 56 Types of Toilet

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The toilet facilities which take up one and a half floors of the Facebook Palo Alto HQ, have been hailed as a breakthrough in gender labelling and equality.

“It can get a little confusing though, but there is an interactive gender toilet map every two feet and there are signs on the door. Yesterday I caught a Gender Fluid going into a Non-binary toilet and reprimanded them on the spot. If you go in the wrong toilet, an alarm will sound and you may have to pay a small fine. The toilets are clearly signed therefore there should be no room for mistakes,” Arturro Maginix, who changed his/her name to X3672-A9 two weeks ago, told MSNBC.

Here is a full list of the toilets and their corresponding numbers:

  1. Agender
  2. Androgyne
  3. Androgynous
  4. Bigender
  5. Cis
  6. Cis Female
  7. Cis Male
  8. Cis Man
  9. Cis Woman
  10. Cisgender
  11. Cisgender Female
  12. Cisgender Male
  13. Cisgender Man
  14. Cisgender Woman
  15. Female to Male
  16. FTM
  17. Gender Fluid
  18. Gender Nonconforming
  19. Gender Questioning
  20. Gender Variant
  21. Genderqueer
  22. Intersex
  23. Male to Female
  24. MTF
  25. Neither
  26. Neutrois
  27. Non-binary
  28. Other
  29. Pangender
  30. Trans
  31. Trans Female
  32. Trans Male
  33. Trans Man
  34. Trans Person
  35. Trans Woman
  36. Trans*
  37. Trans* Female
  38. Trans* Male
  39. Trans* Man
  40. Trans* Person
  41. Trans* Woman
  42. Transfeminine
  43. Transgender
  44. Transgender Female
  45. Transgender Male
  46. Transgender Man
  47. Transgender Person
  48. Transgender Woman
  49. Transmasculine
  50. Transsexual
  51. Transsexual Female
  52. Transsexual Male
  53. Transsexual Man
  54. Transsexual Person
  55. Transsexual Woman
  56. Two-spirit.

President Obama has welcomed the new gender labelling drive and seeks to establish the system in all American High Schools before the end of his term in office finally rolling out nationally for all public rest rooms.

“You guys wanted jobs right? Well, building millions more toilets will create more employment. Let’s move. Get to work people,” the president said yesterday.