17.7 C
London
Thursday, January 1, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 571

Scottish Independence: Loch Ness Monster Could Move to Blackpool

Kate Floss
-
1
Scottish Independence: Loch Ness Monster Could Move to Blackpool

According to reports from Loch Ness, the Nessie might have to move to Blackpool, England if the Scots decide to get their Independence from the UK.

“It’s purely economical. Can you imagine the amount of visitors he would get then? We’re moving and all. Once this Scottish Independence thing happens it won’t be the same again,” Gordon Bampot, a manager at the official Loch Ness visitor centre told the Argyll Echo.

Visitors to Blackpool pier would get to see the Nessie popping his head out of the water but only if they pay a few bob for the pleasure, pictures are not allowed.

Nessie’s keeper, Andrea McPherson, told the Sun: “As long as he has some fresh fish he’s happy as Larry.”

Ryanair to Fly Passengers to Moon For Under £5

Kate Floss
-
0
Ryanair to Fly Passengers to Moon For Under £5

Michael O’Leary, the airline’s chief executive, told an Irish news network yesterday that he would offer tickets to the moon for £4.20.

However, he admitted that passengers would have to pay extra if they want to come back.

“Once we get you to the moon, we’ll ask you for £1,985,000. If you ain’t got it, then we’ll drop you off at the moon, charge you an extra luggage handling fee surcharge of £300,000, and if you can’t pay that, we’ll take your feckin’ luggage as well, without a feckin’ space suit may I add,” O’Leary said babbling inanely.

The flights on a state of the art space rocket, which is being built in a shed in Tipperary, would leave from someone’s back garden that O’Leary plans to rent out for 20 euros a week.

On hearing of the Ryanair news, Richard Branson got up from his hammock, yawned, then went back to sleep.

Flashman to the Rescue in the Crimea

Kate Floss
-
0
Flashman to the Rescue in the Crimea

There is no need to worry with all this warring nonsense going on in the Crimea, Flashy’s here to the rescue with his trusty sabre waving it around as Lord Cardigan points to the Russians over the hill.

“Haw,haw,” says he, “it is Fwashman, I see. Hiding away from this glowious battle I dare say? Haw-haw. How-de-do, Fwashman? I decware that ass Camowen and his Eeyew chums in Bwussels got us into a wight old mess and muwdered the Wight Bwigade. Haw-haw. Always was a pwepostewous bwaggard! Haw-haw!”

After the bloodbath, it is naturally customary as an officer and a gentleman to retire to one’s yacht for a hearty champagned slap up meal, and watch re-runs of the rout on the news.

Sochi Olympics Moving to Ukraine

Kate Floss
-
0
Sochi Olympics Moving to Ukraine

 

With Vladimir Putin wiping the egg off his face after a major Ukrainian humiliation, the Russian president has vowed to move the winter Olympics from Sochi to Kiev.

“I was wiping the rotten egg off my face this morning and I thought to myself, wasn’t Sochi a wonderful distraction for me? Here was the Russian team winning medals when over in the Ukraine I didn’t notice the capital city being taken over. This is why I’m moving the Sochi Olympics to Kiev. We can have another winter Olympics, this time with even more Molotov cocktails,” Mr Putin said from his luxury apartment in the middle of Moscow.

Some of the winter Kiev Olympic sports that will be displayed:

1) Molotov bob sleigh

2) Ukraine ski shoot

3) Natoboarding

4) World War III skating (on cracked ice)

5) Baton curling (with a bullet riddled steel shield)

Minimum Wage to Rise to £25.50

Kate Floss
-
0
Minimum Wage to Rise to £25.50

 

Such an increase would be the first that has happened above inflation since 2008, Dibble said.

“You can’t survive in rip off Britain for less, so we raised the minimum wage to a level that people will just about be able to put food on their tables and heat their homes. People might even be able to fill their car up with petrol, the fuel tax is so fucking ridiculous it takes up 85% of the cost of fuel that even with this pay rise it’s still going to be hard for people,” he told MPs.

The large increase in the minimum wage means that it just about pips the rate of benefits and will ensure that the message is clear — benefits don’t pay as well anymore.

After the announcement was made there were cheers and joyous shouts of er..joy..and more joy in the streets.

“I can feed my family. Like I can put food on the table, I can have a full fridge. I’m speechless, thank you, sir, please sir, I don’t wish to be rude but, I think I just peed in my pants,” Julia Swinton, a dinner lady for a local state school in Birmingham told the Sun.

Invest in Squibcoins They’re Safer

Kate Floss
-
0
Invest in Squibcoins They’re Safer

Roll up, roll up, ‘ere we’ve got a lovely jubbly investment opportunity for all you ex-Bitcoin investors, you may have lost everything but never fret the Squib is a certain bet.

If you invest 20 pence in a Squibcoin, it could be worth 30 pence by February 2025. Now if that’s not a sure fire deal of making S loads of money my aunt’s an investment banker for Goldman Sachs.

We wanted to do an infographic about how your money would grow if you invested in Squibcoins, but we just couldn’t be arsed, and we’re sure you don’t care anyway.

I hear you saying, will my Squibcoins be safe? Of course they will, we have a special Squibcoin exchange down the pub, ah ah, can’t tell you which East London pub it is, but it’s somewhere around the cobbled dark wet streets of olde London where the lanterns are still gas fired and the sari shops stay open till late.

Election: “Labourphiles Tried to Groom Me”

Kate Floss
-
0
Election: “Labourphiles Tried to Groom Me”

PIE in the face

“It was in the seventies, I was only a little one, but Harperson groomed me to vote for Labour. Now I’m a Labour supporter, and I may need counselling to get over it. These Labourphiles have affected my whole life and the abuse will live with me forever,” the man told the Daily Mail.

Labourphilia is a vile practice that targets prospective voters when they’re children and can damage them for the rest of their lives. Labourphiles groom their victims by plying them with benefits, free money, safari trips for young offenders and other tricks to ensnare the unsuspecting future voters.

Naturally Harriet Harperson has denied she had any connections to Labourphilia but unfortunately for her, the evidence is conclusive.

The coming General Election 2015 will be a turning point deciding whether widespread Labourphilia in Britain ever happens again.

Obama FCC Media Monitors Invade Daily Squib U.S. Office

Kate Floss
-
0
Obama FCC Media Monitors Invade Daily Squib U.S. Office

You know we love that Obama chap here at the Squib, we don’t have a critical word to say about him, and that’s why he has ordered the FCC media controllers into our North American offices to ensure we continue to say the right things.

Obama is a great president. One of the best. He’s, er, really an amazing guy who came from Africa, and united America.

Throughout his tenure, he has shown great courage in dealing with issues that matter, you know like gay marriage, legalising marijuana and allowing all illegal immigrants from the South American continent to enter the United States without fear of persecution or incarceration to become fully recognised U.S. citizens.

Obama shot Bin Laden. Oh yeah, if it wasn’t for Obama, Osama would still be alive right now, but he’s dead. So Obama got the bad guy.

Did we mention Obamacare? That’s something that Obama really cares about, because he cares about your health. He really does, and Obama has made it his mission to ensure all Americans get the same care as everyone else. Now that’s a real achievement right there.

Under Obama racial tension has eased and there is now great racial harmony in the United States. In fact, you can get knocked out with the level of  harmony that Obama has brought with him.

Guns are deadly. Outlaw guns and no one will die again from a gunshot wound. Obama wants to outlaw guns from citizens. Obama is doing the right thing there, so you all need to drop the guns on the floor, take two paces back and hand them over to the heavily armed police officer, or better still, your friendly local armed criminal.

Obama loves to travel. This is why he has made air travel so pleasant, not only for Americans but visitors to the great American nation from abroad.

Obama is a great guy, he even plays golf sometimes and takes a vacation once in awhile, just to show the people he can relax like a regular American.

Obama is not controlling? No, on the contrary, he is very relaxed about all that shit. He doesn’t want to know your private conversations or emails, or every private detail of your life. He doesn’t want to control every aspect of your life, nah, Obama is a guy who ain’t into all that Stasi crap.

We have not written this article under any form of duress or control, the Daily Squib has not been punished by any large corporation under the control of Obama that controls the internet and the right to free speech and we totally love Obama and all the corporations, agencies, under his control.

Alec Baldwin: “It’s My Fifth Goodbye This Week”

Kate Floss
-
0
Alec Baldwin: “It’s My Fifth Goodbye This Week”

The Hollywood celebrity, Alec Baldwin, has been doing the media circuit for the last few days.

“Goodbye! I am now leaving, I really am leaving. Okay! I said I was leaving, you won’t see me ever again, this is why I’m announcing my leaving on network television. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone. I’m going now, see ya, bye, no more Baldwin, did I mention I’m leaving? I, I just hope my trophy wife still stays with me even when the fame, money and attention goes, I know that’s the only reason she’s with me right now. Alright, did you get the shot? Okay, this angle, I’m walking away now.”

David Bowie to Tour Scotland

Kate Floss
-
1
David Bowie to Tour Scotland

 

The tour will be called Scotch Oddity and the legendary artist will complete the tour only wearing tartan and a kilt.

“It’s something he’s always wanted to do. The band’s line up will include Angus Bawbag, on bagpipes, Sean Bonnet on alto bagpipes, and Jasper Fud on bass bagpipes. There might even be some caber tossing into the audience but he is getting on a bit so he might need some help with that one,” Bowie’s manager Niles Malchard, said from the band’s New York record label office.

Ziggy did have red hair in the seventies so the tour of Scotland should go down well with the locals, just as long as they’re not sober and do not realise they’re watching David Bowie.

Tour dates and venues will be announced closer to the time, in some cases a few minutes before the concerts.

1...570571572...800Page 571 of 800
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.