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Primary School Teachers Kidnap Gove

 

CCTV pictures released by the Metropolitan police show about thirty female teachers bundling into Gove’s flat, dragging him out by his legs into the street, then throwing him head first into a school minibus and driving off at speed.

Detective Constable, Wilfred Rizzla, has put hundreds of officers on the streets searching for the popular Education Secretary.

“As we all know Michael Gove is a much loved individual nationally and we are at a loss as to how and why this kidnapping could have occurred. Hopefully he will not be tortured whilst in captivity, or have his head dunked in a bucket of dog mess.”

Are You at Risk of Climate Change During a Heart Attack?

“Many of my patients live in abject fear of climate change, as it is pumped incessantly through the media networks day in day out. I tell them, if you are having a heart attack to not worry about changing climate, and funnily enough they tell me they feel a lot better about it after that,” Dr. Hardy told the Boston Medical Journal.

One of the doctor’s patients, Auguste Balls, who is so worried about the changing climate that he has had three heart attacks in succession, has revealed his trick to stop thinking about climate change.

“I don’t turn on the news anymore or read the papers or the internet. If I go somewhere and hear a radio on, or television, I immediately leave that area. It’s the only way I can stop the global warming reports. Funnily enough, when I was having a heart attack, that was the only time I stopped thinking about climate change. We gotta pay for the humans, we gotta pay for the changing climate, more taxes, green taxes, its the humans’ fault, we gotta pay carbon taxes, aargh, we gotta pay surcharge green taxes on airplanes, we gotta pay green taxes on our gas…I, I’m having another meltdown..gaaaaaaah!!!”

Sadly Mr Balls passed away shortly after speaking about the global warming changing climate issue on CNN.

“We’ve Got Access to Bunkers You Don’t”

Amongst the stretched faces, the unnatural puffed out eyelids, the botox smiles and the invariably fake nature of the Hollywood luvvies, there was an altogether more distressing thought crossing the minds of many.

Here were these trumped up luvvies revelling in their plastic grandeur while far away in the Balkans an important event was occurring, which could invariably affect everyone in the world?

The self-congratulatory nature of their deluded vanity is all too evident in their faces. We have access to bunkers and you do not. You may get fried by an ICBM launched from some silo somewhere in the Urals, but we know people in high places that can get us a luxurious room in nuclear bunkers deep down somewhere.

What the fuck has happened to Kevin Spacey’s face? Now that is a question that must permeate through your head as the Russian missiles explode over American cities.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Put On Hold For Now

The four horsemen of the apocalypse are patiently waiting in the wings, their agent (god) revealed today.

“You know, one minute it’s all go, and the next we get word to hold back a while. It’s getting rather tedious I say. We’ve been sitting on these horses for awhile now and my butt cheeks are getting sore,” Pestilence said from his pale horse.

Conquest and War have been so eager as of late that they have taken it upon themselves to pummel each other to weather the utter boredom.

As for the false Christ, well he’s holed up in the White House with his bow and arrow and his fawning hypnotised yes men and women.

George W. Bush: “But..but, there are no WMDs in Ukraine!”

Former US president George W. Bush has spoken out against the Russian invasion of Ukraine: “Vladimir Putin has invaded a strategic oil and gas pipeline nation because he says his people were in danger. Yeah, but where are the WMDs? At least I had a better excuse, huh.”

Mr Bush is currently working on a new series of paintings depicting Iraqi babies that were born deformed from depleted uranium.

“I like to remember my legacy. Because of me over a million humans lost their lives and millions more were displaced. Iraq is a free land now where everyone is safe in the knowledge that they could get shot or blown up at any time,” the former president said from his studio.

6 Distractions You Can Do to Not Think About Russia Annexing Ukraine

 

Please do not bother yourself with worrisome geopolitical matters, carry on with your inane bubble life. You will not need to stockpile food, prepare for a banking collapse or any other serious things like survival.

1) Please carry on surfing your Facebook page with your vacuous friends and at all costs do not think about the Ukraine and the invasion by Russia. Post more pictures of the meal you had, or better still more pictures of your kids, you are a great parent and you need to affirm this by posting pictures of every achievement they do. Oh, you’ve got a friend you don’t agree with have you? Well, it’s simple just delete them and they’re gone.

2) You must watch the latest episode of Come Dancing. This is so much more important than all out war, I wonder who is going to get thrown out this time?

3) Have you got the latest smartphone app, it’s out on android and iphone, you need to download this app and play the game for hours. If you do happen to hear any air raid sirens, simply get under your bed covers and continue playing. Don’t forget to take a selfie when the bomb drops.

4) Ah, you’ve just noticed the price of petrol has increased by 35%, as have all utilities and food prices. Do not worry yourself with such trivialities, just carry on with the latest episode of Big Brother or other reality show. Don’t forget to phone in to vote for your favourite contestant and naturally you have to be so engrossed in the show that you must talk about it at every opportunity.

5) Have you got the latest fashionable outfit? Well, this is very important. You must spend all your money on looking your best and be in with the in crowd. If you don’t do this you are unfashionable, and that’s verging on criminality, besides you have to look your best for that special supermarket trip where you can look at all the empty shelves on display.

6) What’s that celebrity doing? This is very important, you must read about celebrity x who has just thrown a tissue on the pavement and not bothered to pick it up. You must comment on it on entertainment sites and make it your life’s mission to follow inconsequential banal drippings from the entertainment section or you will be left behind in everyday conversation. Ideally, the right hand side of the Daily Mail should be your primary reading list, forget about everything else.

Obama Sending Crack Team of Libtards to Ukraine

An emergency team of libtards left the airport in Washington D.C. yesterday morning, MSNBC host, Bozo Limprist, said from his show.

The libtard team are armed with all sorts of things to stop the Russian soldiers in the Ukraine.

“We’re going to reason with these brutes holding guns. Put down the weapons you might shoot someone. It’s dangerous. Also you brute Russians need more styling, what is this cammo stuff you’re wearing? It’s so unfetching, I believe a nice v neck, some designer glasses and Jack Kerouac book under your arm would be more fashionable. These Russians need to open a few more pot shops in Crimea, then they could relax a little better, and don’t forget your Kool aid you Russian war people with guns, drink up and you can be just like us,” Mr Limprist, told his audience on MSNBC.

No one told any of the Obamamites that if it wasn’t for U.S. and EU meddling in Kiev, the Russians would not have invaded the country.

Obamacare to be Extended to Ukraine Says Obama

 

“I’m thinking of taking another taxpayer vacation, but before I do that, I want to extend my gratitude to Vladimir Putin for showing what a weak leader I am with no idea about foreign policy, I’m cordially inviting him to sign up to Obamacare. All he needs to do is sign in on the website if it’s up.

“If there is actual shooting with guns going on in the Ukraine, I may even send in some of those gay marines I appointed to quell the major war that’s about to happen. I successfully emasculated the U.S. army last year with the introduction of mandatory homosexual battalions on active duty.

“I don’t really agree with guns so I think we’ll pass on this kind of stuff. Ooh, look at this, I just got a message through that Iran is pushing ahead with their nuclear weapons program. You know that amazing deal I made with them a few weeks ago when they promised to stop making nuclear missiles, well naturally I used my special foreign policy skills to persuade them to stop doing that shit, that’s why they’re continuing with their nuclear program right now!” the president said whilst cowering under his desk.

Mysterious Box That Unlocks Cars? We Need to Watch Some Ghost Dog Says Cop

American cops are not exactly hip to cult films, and one of our favourites here in the Daily Squib office is Ghost Dog. It is an amazing film fusing many elements in a big bucket of dark genius.

“All over America, the police are puzzled by people stealing cars utilising a little black box, well all the feds gotta do is watch some Ghost Dog nigga, and y’all will see fo’ yoselves,” G-Squan, a rapper from Chicago revealed on Hip Hop TV.

Let’s just say it would be very cool to have a mysterious box like this.

Hague Challenges Putin to Judo Match

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Foreign Secretary William Hague has warned Russian overlord, Vladimir Putin that he’s got some serious Judo skills and is not afraid to use them.

“I warned him yesterday that if Russian troops enter Ukraine, then I’m going to be really, really angry. Well, what does he do? Russian troops are now taking over the Ukraine, and now I’m so angry I’ve even got my little Judo suit on. I am warning you Putin, I’m warning you, don’t do it!” the Foreign Secretary said from his Dojo.