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Elton John Making Immediate Plans to Travel to Russia to Meet Putin

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Pop star Elton John is making immediate plans to travel to Moscow, Russia for an urgent imaginary meeting with President Vladimir Putin to discuss the benefits of homosexuality.

“This is urgent. After the phone call with Putin I immediately announced to the world through social networks that I had a fabulous conversation with him. I am so excited to be invited to Moscow. Maybe we can have a Russian sauna and beat each other with twigs together, he is so macho and hunky. I hope the president has an Italian marble floor in his bathroom so Furnish and I can roll around on it,” Sir Elton said excitedly from his penthouse in Miami.

Sir Elton John is expecting a red carpet welcome to Russia and full hospitality including saunas, dancing boys and lots of unmentionable things.

John has a notoriously bad temper so these demands better happen, or else. You have been warned Putin.

Welcome to Europe or Maybe Not

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Where’s Jean Claude Juncker when you need him? Probably on another jug of cognac by the looks of things at the borders.

What happened to Europe’s open arm welcome to hundreds of thousands of refugees and economic migrants?

Cruel Joke

“First it was all welcome, then they all shut their borders. I assume it was all one big tease. The funny thing is when they opened the borders, this gave hundreds of thousands more people from Africa and the Middle East the green light. Now it seems to have been for nothing as millions feel entitled to their European dream of massive welfare handouts. Just another day in the EU’s socialist paradise,” Hans Koenig, a reporter in Hungary told Reuters.

The backlog along the borders now extends for miles with desperate economic migrants shut out of their ultimate prize. So close, yet so far, their dreams shattered by the shambolic policies of the European DisUnion.

The fault is firmly on the shoulders of the indecisive incompetent EU leaders who don’t seem to know their elbows from their arses.

It was highly irresponsible for the EU leaders like Juncker to dangle the carrot in front of the refugees encouraging more human traffickers to gain a foothold along the borders invariably causing a spiral of human misery to escalate.

The Dangers of Not Wearing a Seatbelt

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Wearing a seatbelt can prevent you being thrown through the vehicle’s wind shield and making a mighty mess all over the windshield or road. If you know this and are still not wearing a seatbelt you’re a bit reckless aren’t you? Think about it, Bang, Crunch, Squash! Not too good eh. Seatbelts should be worn by all passengers, don’t for one second think you are safe at the back of the vehicle either.

The Human Collision

Imagine running as fast as you can – into a wall. It’s all physics innit, when a car stops abruptly, the passengers inside are still moving and unless they’re strapped in then they go for a long very fast ride against hard objects. It’s common sense so use a seatbelt.

A properly worn safety belt keeps that second collision – the human collision – from happening.

Wear It Right

“Properly worn” means with both straps snugly fitted to transfer the impact of the collision to the parts of your body that can take it – your hipbones and shoulder bones protecting your chest.

What’s Your Reason For Not Wearing One?

“I don’t need a belt – I’ve got air bags.” Lucky you! An air bag or two increases the effectiveness of a safety belt by 40 percent. But air bags were never meant to be used in place of safety belts, since they don’t protect against side impacts.

“It’s just a short journey to my local pub to get blootered then drive back!” Yes, but did you know that 80% of accidents occur within a short distance from your home?

“I don’t need a seatbelt because I’m invincible when on cocaine and I’m a good driver as well.” Sure you are. Will you be saying that when they’re pulling the steering wheel from your chest cavity?

“I’m like the Stig from Top Gear.” The Stig wears a seatbelt and has a roll cage and a helmet, you don’t.

“I’m like Richard Hammond.” You definitely will need a seatbelt then.

Comrade Corbyn Reveals New Cabinet

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After much dilly dallying, Comrade Corbyn has finally revealed his cabinet for government. In the early hours of the morning, he was driven from his £900,000 7-bedroom dacha to a secret location where the line up of his new cabinet was announced to much cheer.

Heading the list will be Commissar Scotch McScotch, a man who hates the English so much he has them regularly flogged in front of him during his breakfast of a single piece of oatmeal splashed with some Scotch. Commissar McScotch will be in charge of the economy, something he detests even more than the fucking English.

Commissar Engle will be in charge of rationing and queueing. It will be her job to make sure that food queues do not get shorter than a hundred citizens a time. She will also ensure that state run shops have permanently empty shelves and bread has the right amount of rat droppings embedded in each loaf.

Anti-royal Commissar Vladimir Potemkin will be in charge of dismantling the British royal family. He will first start by exposing Kate Middleton as a commoner, which he says will be a big blow for the pure blue blood family of Windsors. Buckingham Palace will be torn down and a refugee processing camp will be put in its place. The royals will be paraded through the streets before being taken to Red Square (previously Trafalgar) and hanged.

Head of the reformed Stasi, a post formerly held by Kommandant Jacqui Smith, the new appointee has been announced, and he is only known as Kommandant Zersetzung. He will be in charge of all Administration protocols including garbage disposal and analysis for the Ministry of Truth. All surveillance levels for the reformed Stasi will stay the same as they are now and there is no need to do anything more.

The rest of the inner party cabinet will be announced at a later date as needed.

Vile Pestilence of Beckhams Infect Media With New Generation

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As if it weren’t bad enough seeing the high-pitched voiced gimp, David Beckham moping around LA with the derogatory celebrity Scumbucks to-go cup and his mutilated arms dragging along the pavement, we also have to endure the parading missus and her permanently constipated scowl trying to make herself relevant by doing ‘fashion’.

To add insult to injury, we additionally have to put up with their vulgar low-bred chav progeny being spammed into every media orifice.

With a name like ‘Brooklyn’ and part of the crude Beckhams, he was guaranteed to be a smirking inane entitled shister of the highest order, a turd gently ambling down the side of a bowl in some Chingford betting shop toilet.

Sporting the same haircut as his dad, pig-eyed Brooklyn is a mediocre looking teenager of low breeding with no distinguishing qualities apart from possessing a lower IQ than his ex-footballer father, a prime example of nepotism gone wrong.

“These shit celebrity offspring are tolerated because we are paid to tolerate them,” an LA model agent revealed on condition of anonymity.

Oktoberfest Changes From Last Year

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Oktoberfest is set to be quite a cracker this year, especially with the hundreds of thousands of migrants surging into Germany from Africa and the Middle East.

Otto Von Kleimer, the event’s organiser was sanguine about the beer, food and frolicking Fräulein festival.

“Although beer, pussy and pork is now banned in Germany, we still aim to try and have a good festival. Currently we are housing 400,000 refugees from Eritrea and Syria in tents, and the violent riots and ensuing chaos will still be mildly entertaining.”

Stormin’ Corbyn Hails New UK Soviet Era

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Naturally we predicted Corbyn would win the leadership contest months ago, snarf, snarf, but it wasn’t as if there was any competition for the role.

Prime Minister’s Questions will be the most entertaining skirmish festival of buffoonery this side of Boris Johnson’s Mayoral photo ops, and gallery seats will be changing hands for more than a few quid.

Trotsky, Stalin, Lenin, Brown, all rolled into one with Jeremy Corbyn, no watered down piss with Jerry, a Fabian unleashed onto the Etonions like a deranged rottweiler from some sink estate intent on chomping down on some foie gras fed meat.

Let the games begin.

How to Compliment a Feminist

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All right, we’re going to get a lot of third-wave Marxist feminism coming our way because these are the orders from up on high so as a man you’ll just have to deal with it.

Here’s a few tips.

Never compliment a feminist, never open the door for her, in fact slam doors into them, and most of all never smile at a feminist, just ignore them as if they do not exist.

If they ask for you to stand up on a train and give up your seat, just ignore them.

Feminists hate you because you are male, they want you dead, they want to kill you even if you have not been born yet or they want you put into concentration camps as proposed by the feminist, Julie Bindel.

If a feminist opens her mouth and speaks, simply ignore everything she says, then walk away. Do not make any facial expressions, keep it as blank as a feminist’s date diary.

Never react to a feminist, because they want a reaction. Just walk away and ignore. If they shout out after you, keep walking.

Groups of men should turn their backs on known feminists, especially ones in the public eye. Celebrity feminists still want to be photographed and looked at for being beautiful, but if all male photographers simply turned their backs on them and photographed a non-feminist female celebrity, things may eventually change. All celebrity photographers who are male and not sympathetic to feminism should adhere to this rule.

If by some freak incident you find out the girl you’re dating is a feminist, dump her immediately. It does not matter how good looking she is, just dump her and move on to a non-feminist woman unless you want a rape charge hanging over you for the rest of your life. Do not enable feminists at all costs. Ignore them. The same goes for marriage, if your wife suddenly announces she is a feminist because of some shit she just read in a gossip mag, divorce her immediately.

Feminists want ‘equality’ (supremacy), so what does this mean when it comes to physical violence, after all they are still women? The first thing to do if a feminist punches you in the face hard is to brush it off and walk away, because their brand of equality is a one way hypocritical street, just do the honourable thing and walk.

If you meet a male-feminist, treat them like a female feminist except if they use violence against you, don’t hold back.

Never click on pro-feminist literature on the internet, because that means they get views and they feel ’empowered’. Do not enable them in any way, ignore. You may think that this article in itself is counteracting that advice by acknowledging feminists, but this is advice to men who wish to counteract feminism therefore it is perfectly justified.

Not all women are feminists, so there is still hope.

 

Apple: Latest iPad Smaller Than Stamp

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The company says the iPad Micro is as powerful as many laptop and desktop computers.

The device comes with a whopping 18 mm touchpad screen.

To cement its appeal to professionals, Apple is selling it alongside a magnifying glass and tooth pick stylus.

The move is an attempt to reverse declining iPad sales.

“Come back Steve Jobs, please, you have to do something!” an Apple aficianado exclaimed after accidentally swallowing his new iPad micro.

Experts: “By Taking Refugees ISIS Wins”

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“The refugee crisis is a great victory for ISIS because the West is willingly taking refugees and aiding its cleansing of the land it claims as its own. There are further treats for the Islamic State with the massive movement of Muslims to predominantly Christian lands, this is called the Hijrah where the message of Islam is spread far and wide. Hundreds of thousands of Muslims are now taking over Europe little by little, and all it takes is a few families, who within a few generations will multiply countless times. Europe’s resources will thus be depleted further. By the year 2030, most of Europe will be Islamic and the Caliphate will have no trouble in moving further West, travelling from North Africa and the Middle East.

Boots on the Ground

“Instead of fighting ISIS head on, the West has capitulated to the Islamic State by letting it flourish. When the West should have immediately attacked Syria and re-introduced troops into Iraq, they instead opted for the limited air strike method of long range warfare where nothing is a certainty. The media is instructed to tell the public that a well known terrorist has been killed by drone, but there is little or no proof of these claims. In fact, the evidence is so lacking and the intelligence on the ground is so unreliable that even the drone operators have no idea if the target they hit is an actual target. How could they when all they see are dots on the ground from 30,000 feet?

“Conquering Europe has never been easier, because the EU leaders are welcoming their own demise.”

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