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Retired House Speaker John Boehner to Start Rhino Farm in Zimbabwe

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“I like rhinos, what can I say. Gonna sit back, chug some rhino milk and watch my flock galloping around on the farm. It’ll remind me of the old days,” Boehner told reporters after announcing his resignation as Speaker.

Before his retirement, the House Speaker made a final gesture to his Democrat friends by extending another debt ceiling deal and inviting the whole of Guatemala into the United States.

“Don’t know if they have rhinos in Guatemala but they got hella lot of poor people so I said why not, let ’em all in,” Boehner added, before letting off a noisy gaseous fart into a crowd of real Republicans.

When the Rothschilds Are Fighting What Hope For Us?

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According to reports coming from Paris, the Rothschilds are having a little tiff.

They’re part of the same family, with the same name but different strands of the family and all the historical shenanigans that go with that.

Let’s simplify this, finance house Edmond de Rothschild Group is threatening legal action against Rothschild and Co over the use of the Rothschild family name. Benjamin de Rothschild and Ariane de Rothschild who are higher up in the ranking than David de Rothschild do not want a name change of Paris-Orleans to Rothschild and Co. which, if one looks at it, seems to supersede the Edmond de Rothschild Group purely by utilising an all encompassing name.

One lawyer on the scene was quoted as saying: “Frankly I don’t give a damn, as long as they pay me, why should I give a shit. I’m rolling in it here. Wahoo!”

Christmas has obviously come early for some.

Revealed: Why 800 Muslims Died in Mecca Stampede

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Panic broke out at this year’s Hajj pilgrimage in Mecca when one pilgrim thought he heard a drone flying above, then there was a lot of pointing and someone started to run. Within minutes the tarmac was a macabre jumble of dishevelled, partially clothed bodies as the stampede gathered pace away from the imaginary drone.

“We are used to seeing drones all over our countries bombing us indiscriminately, so naturally there was panic. In fact, in my village we only have one house left standing and no children left for the school, they were all bombed to death by U.S. drones,” Abdul Khaseem, a Muslim pilgrim who survived the stampede told Saudi news reporters on Thursday.

The United States defence secretary later denied there were any deadly drones in the area at the time, he said they’re too busy bombing schools and hospitals in the Middle East and there aren’t any spare ones to bomb the pilgrims available.

Pope to Obama: “We Worship the Same Lord”

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When visiting the president of the United States, in the physical form known as Barack Obama, the pope stood him aside and whispered in his ear: “I am so glad we finally met in the flesh. We worship the same Lord.”

And thus to those words, there was a mischievous twinkle in Pope Francis’ eyes, and Obama smiled smugly revealing his pointed incisors.

Indeed, the cover of aiding the populations actually hurts them, the trick of healing makes people sicker, and the ruse of freeing the population imprisons them further.

“Our poison is their medicine. We will behave as if we are not connected to keep the illusion alive. Our goal will be accomplished one drop at a time so as to never bring suspicion upon ourselves. This will also prevent them from seeing the changes as they occur. We will keep their lifespan short and their minds weak while pretending to do the opposite. We will use our knowledge of science and technology in subtle ways so they will never see what is happening. We will use soft metals, ageing accelerators and sedatives in food and water, also in the air. They will be blanketed by poisons everywhere they turn. We will promise to find a cure from our many fronts, yet we will feed them more poison. Drop by drop, drop by drop we will advance our goal. We will take over their land, resources and wealth to exercise total control over them. We will deceive them into accepting laws that will steal the little freedom they will have until they are totally and completely defeated,” a jovial Obama told the pope during a White House luncheon.

Lord Ashcroft: “Who Do You Think I Am Cameron?”

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“You’ve got to remember your friends after they help you, and if you don’t, well, I get someone to write a little bookie wookie,” Lord Ashcroft said in a recent interview.

After Cameron’s election in 2010, Ashcroft was not given the post he wanted therefore he felt slighted and plotted his revenge.

“I was made to look like a suckling pig. After all I had done for Dave, and all that money I spent on the Tories, there was no pay back. Do I look like a pig to you Cameron? Do you want to f*ck me? Do you?” an angry Ashcroft railed on and on.

Meanwhile, Number 10 has been very silent about the affair.

Experts: Why War is the Only Answer

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“All civilisations transition, and the moment of change is always embellished with war, for the global good, there will have to be total and utter destruction, as history has always shown, great empires crumble, religions disappear, man-made gods are forgotten, cities are plundered, cathedrals are smashed into dust.

“From the ashes one can easily rebuild, but without war, integration is nigh on impossible, primarily because of the old world stifling the new world and restricting transition.

“It is to this end, that complete global warfare is the process of shifting civilisation from the defunct systems utilised in the past to the forward new order, a complete cleansing of elements not required any more.

“Diplomacy that brokers change is redundant as diplomacy only slows the process of inevitable metamorphosis. The global plan should not be stifled by diplomacy, all diplomats who work for the hierarchy know this anyway and will be ordered to stop, as their efforts hurt the multi-dimensional final push for world dominance by one single faction. War effects change faster and more efficiently than any so-called peace not only in policy but in technology.

“All things must change, and the world as it is now, is living beyond any coherent manageable state, the appointed leaders of nations know this and so does the hierarchy many levels above the visible controllers.

“We see the great technical minds building amazing machines, self-driving vehicles, nano technology, mechanical humanoids, but these creations cannot co-exist in a world where some humans still live in the dark ages.

“One cannot explain to the brainwashed religious zealot anything other than a language of all encompassing violent warfare, it is the humane thing to do, to simply put those people so caught up in their belief system out of their misery once and for all, to make them disappear completely, never to return. Once they have all been eradicated, the singular world religion will be introduced, the true global and universal purpose of unity.

“The technique of governance is a formidable tool, however it falls short when chaos ensues. Global population levels have increased to such numbers that global warfare is now inevitable simply because of finite resources being plundered and permanently depleted. Nations may think that printing perpetual amounts of currency in a world where resources are finite is sustainable, where populations especially in developing nations continue to grow is manageable. They are wrong, and they may hide behind the walls of the condemned future generations, but the inevitable must always reveal itself however much the leaders choose to ignore or delay the truth.

“Without war, the human race will not survive its next shift upwards.”

Pigs Disgusted at Cameron Jiggery Pokery

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Pigs across the United Kingdom are frankly disgusted at news that David Cameron stuck his honourable member in one of their numbers’ mouth.

“Doesn’t matter if the old chap was dead, it’s a bit orf isn’t it? Surely David could have shown a bit more class than defiling our like with such grotesque displays amongst his Oxford chums,” a pig said from his pen in some shed just before being slaughtered.

Goes to show, piss off a billionaire and get your immaculately ironed laundry dragged through a pig pen for all to see.

The Delights of Living In a Land of No Freedom

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Imagine a country where there is one camera for eleven people, where your every movement is tracked, where your every conversation is recorded and where restrictions apply to how you live your life and every decision you wish to make is dictated to you.

East Germany, Soviet Russia, George Orwell’s 1984, Terry Gilliam’s Brazil — no — Britain 2015.

“The positive thing is that it will only get worse, every year they bring in more restrictions to human living. The super-state of the EU encompasses all and the UK is part of this behemoth amalgamated bureaucratic dictatorial state of permanent surveillance,” a person who dared to say anything said before being taken away in an unmarked van.

The beauty of the system is that the population pay to be imprisoned. Smart phones galore they queue for hours to buy devices that track their every movement and conversation. They download apps that specifically inspect their every movement and contact list. Social networking is the ideal place for the clueless lemmings to be spied on and not having a Facebook page is deemed a crime in itself by the brainwashed plebs worthy of nothing but contempt.

Consider liberty and you are labelled a trouble maker, marked for deletion, not only by the authorities but by the enslaved masses too happy to shop you in for spoiling their permanent state of entertainment. Freedom is a dream, a word in a dictionary that means nothing.

Pass the marmalade, which brand do you use, how do you apply it to the toast, yes my smart-toaster knows best as it relays the information on to whoever needs it. Ah, the smart-meter tells me I used up a little too much kilowattage last night, therefore it relays data to whomever it concerns on what appliances one uses in the household and how much allowance is permitted for the coming week.

And so we come to the cashless society, a place where if one disobeys or mentions discontent, they get electronically erased, no food, no water, no job. It certainly is a very hefty stick to wield by the almighty control system, a totalitarian tip toe here, an almighty step there.

How long before the microchipping begins? Will you be able to hold employment, buy food, get a hospital bed or go to school without one? Certainly not. Your number will be up, next on the line as another example to be made for your silence and inaction. Your digital prison awaits.

Have You Got Drug-Resistant Super Gonorrhoea?

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Aye, it’s not only cold, wet and miserable up North, but now there’s an extra little surprise to be found when you take a piss and green slime pops out of your lower urine delivery unit, oozing and spitting like an angry dragon with indigestion on steroids.

Friday night down in Newcastle, the scantily clad munters are out on force, and the blokes are raring to go in their white t-shirts and wild-eyed boozed up stares. The town centre’s bustling under the weight of religious lager fuelled sex, violence and drugs, and to add to the mix, a deadly strain of super gonorrhoea.

You may think it’s just another Friday night, but in the morning you wake up next to an old boiler, vomit into a half eaten doner kebab and make the long journey towards the toilet. This time, something’s wrong and you feel it in your nether regions, yes a burning sensation that you’ve never felt before except that one time you accidentally mixed up the vapo rub instead of the nivea and had a jostle before realising it was too late. Your meat pump seems like it’s on fire, you shout out in agony which invariably wakes up the girl who just gave you super gonorrhoea. Then, to top it off, instead of pee pee coming from your shogun’s eye, an eruption of different sorts shoots all over the toilet seat cover, it’s green slime, looking and smelling like something dredged up from the inside of a Chinese takeaway restaurant’s fridge.

“Something wrong luv?”

“Yeah, you gave me drug resistant super gonorrhoea. Thank you!”

416 Days Left of Obama Presidency

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As of writing this, there are 416 days 9992 hours 599535 minutes 35972105 seconds till Obama leaves the presidency of the United States.

What he will do then is anybody’s guess, but millions of Americans and global citizens will be very glad to see the back of Obama, for what he has done to this world is something that cannot be quantified with mere words, a disgusted grunt of dissatisfaction would suffice.

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