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Putin Invites Cameron Round For a Cup of Tea

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“Drink up, drink up, you are welcome,” Vladimir Putin, the Russian president told Mr. Cameron at a recent tea drinking session at the Kremlin.

Britain’s prime minister, was invited by the Russian kingpin for a cup of very English tea.

“I, I, don’t know if I should,” Cameron said looking around nervously, at one point sniffing the cup tentatively.

“It is good Russian tea, I myself drink it every morning,” a grudgingly jovial Putin said whilst pushing the cup towards Cameron.

“Okay, if you insist, er, *glug, glug, glug*!”

“There you are, don’t you feel better now, more refreshed?”

“Yes, yes, I suppose I do..er..hang on..eaaargh! Ungggghh! The pain…”

“Heheheheheh…”

Newly Discovered Shakespearean Manuscript May Have Foreseen the EU Referendum

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Few historical figures in English history exemplify this country more than Shakespeare and this is why the discovery of this manuscript carries such import.

Professor Richard Charringcross, who headed the research team, discovered the manuscript hidden in a hole positioned directly behind the poet’s privy.

“We believe this is the area where Shakespeare wrote his best stuff. He would come here, sit down and bang, the creative juices would flow as he plopped and strained away the day’s mundane troubles,” professor Charringcross revealed in his new documentary, to be aired on BBC7 in March.

The text of the manuscript reveals a glimpse into Britain’s future, and is a sort of call to arms for the English people to resist the EU Referendum In calls from the “artless spur-galled puttocks” that are so intent on selling off the country to the “mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms” that tout their wares “like one of our French wither’d pears: it looks ill, it eats drily”.

Shakespeare then goes on to describe a person that remarkably sounds like David Cameron, ” I scorn you, scurvy Camo-Maroon. What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen treachurist! Away, you mouldy rogue, away!”

As for Jean Claude Juncker, Shakespeare leaves no doubt about his credentials, “..Junk’er, a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”

The full manuscript will be revealed when the documentary airs in March on BBC7.

Trump Gets Kiss of Death

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Hillary Clinton has been given a gift on a silver platter — the Sarah Palin endorsement does it every time.

“I did it to that other old fart and I’m gonna do it to this one,” Palin said at the speech in Ames, Iowa on Tuesday.

Donald Trump is currently riding high in the polls and is the favourite candidate to take the Republican seat, but this is what the plan is, and any other Republican candidate would be a loss for the Democrats.

“Trump is the gift that keeps giving. We don’t want a proper Republican candidate so Trump is being moved forwards for a very good reason. Once he’s nominated, that’s when we bring out the real dirt,” a Democrat insider revealed.

Looks like for now, the circus is in town and the unveiling of Sarah Palin, the eternally geographically challenged dipsical lobotomy is pure entertainment.

Sit back, break out the popcorn, the Schlitz, and enjoy the ridiculous show.

 

Trump: “I Read Benito Mussolini Memoires Every Day”

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“The Il Duce, was a great man, and he was a strong man. I am inspired by his life and how he changed Italy for the better. This is what I want for America,” Mr Trump told CNN on Tuesday.

Benito Mussolini was the founder of fascism, and was instrumental in the deaths of millions of people in World War II, but that does not seem to phase Trump, who aspires to bring a totalitarian regime to the United States as well.

“Let’s face it, there will be a period, like Mussolini’s when he was prime minister of Italy, where he ruled constitutionally until 1925, but soon after he thought, screw this, let’s have a full dictatorship. I’m not saying we’re going to have an immediate dictatorship in America when I’m president, but I’ll give it a little time, maybe a year or two. Business is business, I gotta do what I gotta do, and I’m going to clean house, whatever it takes. Fascism is great because you don’t have to answer to anyone, you just do it.”

Will Trump eventually end up like his hero, hanging from a post?

EU Stick Knife Into Cameron

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Britain won’t be able to deport thousands of asylum seekers as of today because the Dublin ruling has just been scrapped by EU president, Jean Claude Juncker.

“Because of the scrapping of this deal, anyone who now comes into the UK is barred from deportation, could be a hate preacher, a rapist or a murderer, plus migrants are not constrained by having to claim asylum only in the first country of entry as it was before,” a smiling EU technocrat said whilst enjoying a filet mignon at an expensive Brussels restaurant.

Meanwhile back in Britain, a subservient spittle sniffer prime minister, quietly acquiesced to the reneging of the Dublin deal and simply shrugged his shoulders, much like Neville Chamberlain did when he came back from Germany singing the praises of Herr Hitler all those years ago.

David Cameron is Neville Chamberlain, and unless someone with some fucking balls comes in to mend this almighty mess, we will all be goose stepping soon.

The Big Short: No Need to Panic This is Just a Correction

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As the resident market expert at the Daily Squib, I am used to people asking me questions.

“Hey, Bill, when’s the market going to stop falling?”

“What’s looking good right now to buy?”

“Is my pension safe, the market just dropped by 34%?”

“The markets are regulated right, you know after what happened to Bear Stearns and Lehman?”

I only have one answer for these people, and that’s never listen to the news, because once you hear it there it’s already history.

Do your own research is my best answer, because if you don’t have the data, the numbers, the staff to do all the number crunching and sift through the data, forget about it.

By the time the big banks and regulators know what’s going on, the event already happened.

You see folks, after the 2008 bailouts, the taxpayer ate it, and the bankers got a pay off from your hard earned cash, they just went back to doing what they were doing before the crash. That’s why this is happening again right now, and it’s only going to get worse.

1929-2016 DJIA

To understand the markets, you have to understand how avalanches work, first you need some noise, or a little too much snow on the mountain, then the top rolls down, accumulating speed and momentum, maybe it stops a little here or there, there may be a big rock somewhere, but that snow keeps coming, and coming until gravity and momentum do their job and the snow sees the bottom of the mountain. The bigger the mountain, the bigger the avalanche.

Short

Now the shorters in the market, the big boys were waiting for awhile for this to happen, the pumping of false cash into the market made it rise, but they knew that there was no substance to this rise. When the jobs data is falsified, when the derivatives keep getting piled on and on, when the unfunded Federal debt liabilities are at $130 Trillion and the Obama deficit is at $22 Trillion, there is no way this can be resolved mathematically, or physically.

QE4 I hear you shout! Is that the answer? Not really folks because QE4 means Armageddon is postponed for maybe a few months, but even QE4 won’t do much, especially with interest rates near zero still and no room to manoeuvre.

Hey I know, let’s invade Iran. Close…war could be the answer to all of our problems but this time, it would not be against some defenceless paper tiger like Iraq, but Russia, China and Iran. Big problem there.

Anyway, how long is a piece of string? You can have all the quants you want trying to work things out, the question is, where does it end, and can you stop it?

No. Not this time. No lessons were learned the last time, so why should now be any different?

Donald Trump: My Ku Klux Klan Daddy and Me

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According to a 1927 New York Times edition, Donald Trump’s dad was a prominent member of the KKK, and his son, Donald J. Trump is no better.

“My daddy would say, lookee over here, there goes another ‘boy’. One day, when you become president son, first you gotta trick them negroes to think you like them, then you gotta win and stick ’em back in the ground where they belong,” Trump told one of his acolytes during a pre-rally briefing.

Trickery doesn’t come cheap for most presidential candidates, but for Trump, to win, pulling the wool over the eyes of African Americans has been easier than he thought.

“I got some of these people coming up to me and saying they’ll vote for me. If only they knew. Like I’m laughing inside, but I give ’em a big smile and carry on with the show,” Trump detailed.

Certainly, Trump has a huge following of African Americans, blinded by the lies and cheap rhetoric, but at the end of the day, blacks in America would pay a heavy price for a Trump win.

Neil Zlozower, a reporter for KACS news in Arkansas is well informed on the situation: “You got people like Farakhan endorsing Trump, little does that idiot know that the Ku Klux Klan is pulling the strings on this one. Trump is a stone cold racist, he sees blacks as slaves, as low value workers, low information voters, and basically made up of the intelligence level of goats, that’s the beauty of the situation we got now. We got blacks endorsing Trump, when Trump is laughing like a hyena right in their face, they’re worshipping him. Who played who? I say Trump’s the winner here, he’s taking the black vote and adding it up to his roster, he don’t care about blacks because soon they’ll be shining his shoes all the way to the presidency.”

Black Overload: Oscars Go All White

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“First things first, why are there no Oriental actors nominated for the Oscars? Why are there no Polynesian actors nominated? Because the English speaking world is primarily for those people. Why do black actors want to hijack something, why don’t they go back to Africa and build their own film industry?” an industry insider in Hollywood revealed on Monday.

The truth is that people have had enough of the incessant moaning, the hijacking of everything by blacks in the entertainment industry and the world in general. Since Obama has become president, the hijacking of pretty much every genre of everything has been de rigueur, enabled by an administration that puts blacks above any other race.

What about Tibetans? Are they not humans, are they not good actors and actresses? What about Chinese or Japanese actors, or Indians? What about Arabic, or Turkish actors? There are some great actors in South America. Why does it just have to always be about black actors? There are other races in the world apart from entitled blacks, who seem to shout the loudest for everything and display little or no talent to back it up.

“Everyone has had enough of rap films, ghettoised cop films and all the other hip hop culture films. No one wants to watch that apart from dumbed down low intelligence troglodytes. Besides, watch any mainstream big studio Hollywood film, and you will see tonnes of black actors portraying people in positions of power, let’s reference Morgan Freeman and Samuel L. Jackson as two such actors. The former referenced actor is always the all-American father figure, the latter is always the wheeler-dealer African American. You buy a used car from Samuel L. Jackson? Hell no, he’ll convince you to get in the boot, take it round the corner and put a few caps in yo ass so you don’t blab,” another industry person revealed.

One angry former Hollywood executive said: “Stop hijacking! Don’t impose yourself on people that do not want to see your face on the screen. Instead blacks should create their own film industry where they can indulge in their own dreams. There’s only so much black culture the rest of society can take.”

Chancellor Merkel: Islamic Men Allowed Six German Wives Each

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“We must adhere to the rules and culture of Islam. It is a patriarchal religion where each man is allowed six wives. I am asking all German women to be understanding to these rituals. When the man comes home, the women must wash his feet, prepare a feast and have a clean home. Then, in the evening, the man will choose which woman he is to sleep with, or maybe all at the same time. We must as Germans also adhere to covering up in public as is the custom in Islam. Women who do not adhere to these rules will be subject to EU Sharia law.”

In every town in Germany, there will now be markets where men can inspect women and check if they are worthy of the harem.

“If you are a man of great importance in Islam, you can have hundreds of concubines, but for every other Muslim five or six women is acceptable. Many Islamic men are in paradise in Europe already. The women here are mostly blonde, fair skinned, with good teeth, and have amazing bodies, therefore it is truly a gift from Allah that Merkel has let us into the country. We’re going to be digging for awhile, as the German Christian men are feeble and mostly homosexuals. Thank you Angela, now excuse me got to get back to my harem of nubile German seductresses,” Ibn bin Waled, who only arrived in Hamburg two months ago and is an exceedingly busy man, told Bild magazine.

 

Woman Gives Birth to Muslim Baby During Trump Meeting

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The woman was so surprised to have been standing almost 35 inches away from Trump that her waters broke and she gave birth on Donald Trump’s $8,000 Italian leather shoes.

One bystander was not shocked by the incident, but was astounded when the baby seemed to have brown skin and started crying out ‘Allah Akbar’ when it shot out of the woman’s slush shoot at high speed.

“The birth seemed fine, sure Don got his shoes soaked with blood and afterbirth, but the most shocking thing was this baby was the devil’s child. It started shouting snackbars and it even had a turban on its head. Then, this horrible brown skinned thang tried to strangle Donald’s foot waging Jeehad on his ass. At that moment, security came and put that lil critter in a cage and took the woman away. I don’t know who was more shocked, Donald, the woman, or the crowd?” Abe Johnson, from Milwaukee told Fox news 5.

After the incident Trump said: “You see what I was talking about? A white woman just gave birth to a Muslim. When I’m president, that shit ain’t gonna happen. Now I gotta get a new pair o’ shoes!”