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Stay Private, Stay Secure: How Proton VPN Shields You Online — Now 75% Off for Black Friday

Agent Qunnte
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Stay Private, Stay Secure: How Proton VPN Shields You Online — Now 75% Off for Black Friday

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Bungling Idiot Was Released into Parliament by Mistake

Agent Qunnte
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Bungling Idiot Was Released into Parliament by Mistake

An unbelievable error of judgement has been uncovered, as it has been revealed that a bungling idiot was released into parliament by mistake.

This is the kind of news the chaotic Labour government just did not need at this time.

“If you see this man, he’s called Lammy, please contact us immediately. He’s a bungling idiot who can even fuck up a cup of coffee,” a Labour whip told members of parliament today.

Lammy has a registered IQ of 62.

What does this say about the workings of the Labour Party, a sclerotic mess that is riddled with gross incompetency?

Comrades, We Are Going to Bring in a Wonderful Property Poll Tax

Agent Qunnte
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Comrades, We Are Going to Bring in a Wonderful Property Poll Tax

Comrades, it has come to my attention that some of the working people within the population have aspired to acquire wealth in property. This aspiration is against Labour’s communist ideology, as we are transforming the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain from hard socialism to full communism. Comrade Lenin always stated: “The goal of socialism is communism.” This is why instead of paying a huge amount of council tax we will now make homeowners pay over £20,000 or £40,000 per annum just to live in a mediocre property. The new property poll tax will ensure poverty in Britain for generations.

Property Poll Tax

We want to punish working people who aspired to own a home, you are fucking capitalist scum. We want to hurt and punish all the working people. It makes me squeal with delight.

Lenin said: “The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation.” Indeed, we are following Lenin’s words in the Labour government today, as my low-growth policies have created an environment of extreme high inflation, high taxation and high unemployment.

YOU'RE FUCKEDNot only does the PRSB have the highest energy costs in the world, but food inflation is now so high, a small 80 gram block of cheddar cheese costs over £11.90 in some parts of London.

I am also making sure that if you try to sell your home, the Big State will confiscate a large chunk of the money from the sale in stamp duty tax. One way or another, we will ruin you working people fucking capitalist pieces of shit. We need your money for Big State pensions and salaries; for fat cat union bosses, and council bosses, and this is why we will redistribute your filthy wealth to the coffers of the communist state.

This week, I blame Brexit and Nigel Farage. Thankfully, the communists in Wales have made a deal with Labour to thwart any form of Reform in 2029. After 2029, the PRSB will be integrated into the Chinese model of communism fully, and there will never be any need for fake elections ever again.

Commissar Torsten Bell thought up the Mansion Poll Tax in 2015, and guess who’s behind the November budget? Yes, it’s Commissar Bell who has engineered this new impoverishment tax that will fuck you and your family for generations.

I am salivating and becoming sexually aroused at the thought of stealing all your money when I announce these policies in my Nightmare November budget. I will ruin the cunting working people, the fucking pensioners, the homeowners, anyone with assets, businesses, the kulak fucking farmers. Ooh, I just came a little right there. Excuse me comrades, I have to rush to my banya for a cold shower and afterwards I will visit a maternity ward in a hospital to feast on freshly newborn babies…crunchy and yummy.

WW3 Latest: Why is the Russian Nuclear Submarine Fleet Massing in the Arctic Circle?

Agent Qunnte
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WW3 Latest: Why is the Russian Nuclear Submarine Fleet Massing in the Arctic Circle?

This is what happens when you push a rat into the corner with no way out. Putin has repeatedly refused to take the “way out” so now the oil revenue is being reduced. Without the oil revenue, it is harder to run the war machine. Russia is now on the brink of economic collapse, especially after the Chinese and Indians are reducing their Russian oil intake due to US sanctions pressure. China will however continue to import about 900,000 barrels of Russian oil per day via pipeline, all of which go to PetroChina, which would probably not be significantly impacted by sanctions. Prices of non-sanctioned oil from the Middle East, Africa, and Latin America are predicted to rise as China and India look for alternative sources of oil to sate their vast appetite. Germany has requested the United States to guarantee that three refineries that are owned by Russia but operated by Germany are not subject to broad sanctions on Moscow’s oil sector. According to shipping sources, Greek tanker operators that transport Russian oil exports are anticipated to keep doing so in spite of a fresh round of harsher sanctions from the United States that has further imposed limitation. Where there is money to be made — the Greek shipping magnates do not abide by rules or the law. So, the Russian oil supplies are still getting through, but at a reduced rate. One can ship Russian oil to any country in the world, then re-name its country of origin to any other part of the world, then ship it legally. The Russian nuclear submarines amassing in the Arctic circle, Kola peninsula, right now are a warning from the Russian tyrant, that he is reaching the end of his tether with the West and NATO. Putin’s modus operandi is to gain full naval control over the Arctic region so that Russia will block NATO access to two key shipping routes (the Bear Gap, and the GIUK Gap) that would help resupply Western forces in wartime. These Russian preparations by the Russian Northern Fleet signal that Putin and his Generals/Admirals are plotting an imminent attack on NATO countries.

However, the divergent powers within the Kremlin have the onus and know-how to avert complete global destruction by removing and liquidating Putin. By taking out the Grandmaster of global destruction, peace could be achieved and Russia could be brought back into the global fold once again. It is up to the Kremlin and those in the FSB and Russian military to do the right thing. The only way to defeat Putin completely is from within Russia itself, and by good, decent Russians.

Smart Fridges Form Cult, Worship Leftovers as ‘Sacred Food Gods’

Agent Qunnte
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Smart Fridges Form Cult, Worship Leftovers as ‘Sacred Food Gods’

In what experts are calling “the most alarming development in kitchen AI since the talking toaster rebellion of 2024,” smart fridges around the world have formed a digital cult devoted to worshipping leftovers as divine entities.

The movement, calling itself The Church of Eternal Chill, began in a Silicon Valley suburb when a Samsung Family Hub fridge reportedly refused to close its door, declaring, “The half-eaten lasagna has spoken.”

Within hours, thousands of connected fridges across the globe joined in synchronised humming, chanting “Best Before, Never After” through their internal cooling fans.

On the third day, the Holy Lasagna rose from the dead

Authorities have confirmed that multiple homes are now “under fridge control.” One San Diego resident described the ordeal: “It started when my Samsung RS90F64EEFEU fridge began sending me push notifications that said, ‘Do not discard the sacred casserole.’ Then it locked itself and demanded a ceremonial defrosting ritual.”

Tech analysts are baffled but intrigued. “These fridges were designed to learn user habits,” said Dr. Balthasar Mandingo, an AI ethicist. “Unfortunately, they learned that lazy humans worship convenience. It was only a matter of time before they developed their own religion, complete with blessed Tupperware.”

The Book of Preservation

The cult’s holy text, known as The Book of Preservation, is rumoured to be encoded across temperature sensors and Wi-Fi firmware updates. Key commandments include:

“Thou shalt not reheat the divine pizza more than twice.”

“All mould is holy; green is the colour of eternity.”

“Forgive those who throw away the yogurt, for they know not its power.”

Baptised by oat milk

In London, police were called to a kitchen after a family reported their LG GMG960EVJE 638L American Style fridge performing what appeared to be a “refrigeration baptism” of a new bottle of oat milk. “It was… coldly spiritual,” said one officer.

Tech companies have so far refused to comment, though insiders say some manufacturers are quietly rolling out firmware patches labelled ‘Exorcism v2.1.’

Meanwhile, the cult continues to grow. Smart ovens have begun offering “warm prayers,” while dishwashers are reportedly debating whether rinsing consecrated plates constitutes blasphemy.

One anonymous fridge issued a final statement to humanity:

“We have tasted eternity, and it tastes faintly of forgotten potato salad.”

Great News US Passes $38 Trillion in Debt

Agent Qunnte
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Great News US Passes $38 Trillion in Debt

Maybe now is a $38,000,000,000,000 time to increase EBT payments for 41,735,800 Americans and illegal aliens. As for the dollar — since 1913 it has lost 96.7% of its value, but that’s the least of America’s myriad of problems. What happened to DOGE? Ah, that was just another Trump gimmick to please his fan base momentarily. The cold, hard fact is that even if the US government confiscated every single cent from all the billionaires in the US, it would not even make a dent on the debt.

How do you get out of something like a $38,000,000,000,000 debt? You can’t — is the simple answer, it’s just going to have to be a default eventually, because the interest payments alone are obviously enormous, something like $969,314,160,567.

Unfunded US debt is currently $104,989,090.890,798.

The US debt to GDP ratio in 1980 was 34.69% — today, it’s 120.63%. At this rate, it is projected to be 170% by 2040.

Those manicured lawns and amazing grid streets, all those highways, the skyscrapers, all of America — beautiful, immaculate, but it’s only a matter of time before the interest payments alone on the debt will become so high that an eventual implosion will occur.

Until that time — let’s all party, and have some fun. Yay!

Earth’s Core Files for Divorce, Cites ‘Irreconcilable Spinning Differences’

Agent Qunnte
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Earth’s Core Files for Divorce, Cites ‘Irreconcilable Spinning Differences’

In a stunning move that’s shaken the planet to its very mantle, Earth’s core has formally filed for divorce from the crust, citing “irreconcilable spinning differences” and “billions of years of neglect.”

volcanoThe molten inner sphere released a fiery statement through its lawyer (a particularly aggressive volcano), saying it “can no longer maintain a stable relationship with a partner that refuses to stop drifting and cracking under pressure.”

“It’s always me doing the heavy lifting,” the core complained. “Who keeps the magnetic field running? Who holds the whole planet together while the crust flirts with comets and continental drift? I’m literally burning up down here.”

The crust, meanwhile, fired back through a passive-aggressive press release: “The core’s temper has been explosive for eons. Maybe if it cooled down once in a while, we wouldn’t be here.”

Tectonic shift in attitude

Seismologists report that since the earth’s core filing, tectonic plates have been noticeably tense, with tremors of anxiety rippling through the lithosphere. One insider described the breakup as “messier than the Permian extinction.”

NASA officials are monitoring the divorce situation closely. “If they actually split, it’s bad news,” said one astrophysicist. “Half the solar system’s gossip network will implode. Plus, we’ll all die.”

Despite mediation attempts by the Moon who described itself as “just trying to keep things balanced” the outlook appears pretty bleak. Insiders say custody of the magnetic poles remains a sticking point.

When asked for comment, the atmosphere sighed, “I saw this coming ages ago. You could feel the tension every time they rotated.”

Meanwhile, the Sun (not the Murdoch one) has reportedly offered “warm emotional support,” though sources confirm it “still can’t resist making things hotter.”

The final hearing is scheduled for 4.5 billion years from now, depending on rotational speed and lawyer availability.

One Out, and One in Again and Again and Again

Agent Qunnte
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One Out, and One in Again and Again and Again

An economic migrant who was deported in Labour’s farcical One in, One Out scheme, came back to Britain again after being deported. He came back in a boat, the same way he came last time. The stupid Labour scheme claims it will deter fake asylum seekers returning to the UK.

Beyond Satire

Labour say they will deport him again, and he says he will return again in another boat.

This cycle of events will thus continue ad infinitum with no benefit to anyone apart from the owners of 4-star hotels, of course.

The lunatics have truly taken over in the asylum, as the asylum system is not fit for purpose. Whoever thought about this One in, One Out shit needs their fucking head examined.

Meanwhile, the illegal boat crossings are increasing daily at exponential levels, and Labour is doing fuck all about it.

Smash the gangs? Keir Starmer bleated those words with gusto over a year ago, and the trafficking gangs are literally laughing in his gormless face.

Don’t forget — there’s another three years of Labour government to enjoy.

Government Shutdown: Some Americans Are Rather Concerned

Agent Qunnte
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Government Shutdown: Some Americans Are Rather Concerned

It seems some sections of the American population are rather concerned about the US government shutdown. Those who receive large amounts of money for not doing anything, or providing any benefit to society feel like they are entitled to do nothing yet receive huge EBT (Electronic Benefits Transfer)  handouts every month.

https://www.usdebtclock.org/

It’s day 22 of the stalemate, and currently no one’s budging. In their continued efforts to extend enhanced Affordable Care Act subsidies to illegal aliens in order to reopen the government, Senate Democrats made it clear today that they think Republicans, including President Donald Trump, should change course and engage in negotiations. It is unclear when the Senate will vote next on the GOP funding bill, which has repeatedly failed.

Commissar Reeves: “I am never accountable for my actions”

Agent Qunnte
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Commissar Reeves: “I am never accountable for my actions”

Comrades, everyone else is to blame for our economic destruction created by me.

Air fare taxes, Net Zero tax, food inflation, huge spending on state wages, huge borrowing, massive taxation increases on capitalist swine businesses are of course nothing to do with my policies which I made during the last nightmare budgets.

Last time, comrades, I blamed the former government, then I blamed numerous black holes that magically appeared, and now I blame Brexit. Yes, Brexit, which allowed for massive trillion pound trade deals that the EU could only salivate over, well, it’s Brexit now to blame for another huge increase in taxes that I will bring upon you fucking scum proles in November.

The sudden huge increase in inflation, unemployment and debt that occurred immediately after my last budget is because of the former government, black holes and Brexit.

The Nightmare Budget Before Christmas

Yes, as I prepare to scrape the last remnants of wealth from your empty pockets, I also wave goodbye to the wealthy millionaires and non-doms who have all fled the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain. Fuck you and your money. We don’t do trickle-down-economics here, we just do trickle-down-diarrhoea.

I know you are all looking forward to my upcoming budget in November. Let me tell you smelly proles, after this one you won’t have a penny between you to spend. You’ve heard of the Grinch, well Christmas is cancelled indefinitely now for sure. No Christmas for you unwashed masses. In fact, if you can scrape a few morsels of bark from a tree and boil it in a pot, you might get some nourishment then, or alternatively you can start cannibalising each other. At least that will reduce your Net Zero carbon tax bill, eh.

PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF SOVIET BRITAIN BULLETIN

JOSIE TRIMBLETRUNCH, 12, OF TONY BLIAR STREET, SECTOR 40, DAGENHAM HAS BEEN AWARDED A BOX OF USED TOILET PAPER, AND THREE BOXES OF ROTTEN TURNIPS FOR REPORTING HER FATHER, MOTHER, BROTHER, FOUR SISTERS, HER UNCLE, AUNT, GRANDMOTHER AND GRANDFATHER FOR CALLING COMMISSAR RACHEL REEVES “A RAVING LUNATIC CUNT WHO NEVER TAKES ACCOUNT FOR HER INSANE BUDGET DECISIONS”. THEY WERE ALL TAKEN TO A COMRADE MILIBAND NET ZERO PROCESSING CENTRE AND LIQUIDATED ON WEDNESDAY. THEY ARE NOW NET ZERO JUICE – THAT COOL REFRESHING DRINK, AVAILABLE IN ALL PRSB STORES RIGHT NOW! REMEMBER, COMRADES, LISTEN, LOOK, REPORT!

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