In a stunning development that has shaken the minor aristocracy and startled corgis everywhere, the man once known as Prince Andrew, Duke of York, has been officially stripped of his titles and evicted from his palace, leaving him, for the first time in his life, to confront the dark horror of self-service laundry, queuing and paying utility bills.
“Oik!”
Sources close to the disgraced former royal say he’s “trying to adapt,” but was last seen attempting to wave at a cash machine and asking if Uber Eats drivers “curtsy on arrival.”
Buckingham Palace issued a terse statement confirming the decision, explaining that “His… Andrew-ness” would henceforth be known simply as Mr. Andrew Windsor, or “that sweaty bloke with the teddy bears” to his old Navy friends.
Witnesses report the former duke looked “visibly shaken” upon discovering that Waitrose does not offer credit to ex-royals and that Deliveroo doesn’t recognise “His Majesty’s discount code.”
40 Thai whores in 4 days pussy Olympics
Randy Andy remembers the good old days with fondness, particularly the 40 Thai prostitutes he bulldozed through on a “business trip” to Thailand as a British envoy. “You ever seen a mountain of pussy? I have, and after those four days of chugging away like Thomas the Tank Engine on steroids, my todger was redder than a spanked prep school bottom in the headmaster’s study. They used to call me the Duke of Pork for good reason.”
In a touching moment of self-reflection, Mr. Windsor reportedly declared, “I’ve always wanted to connect more with the common man, I just didn’t know they lived without footmen. Bring me my mangoes, you fucking bastard!”
Meanwhile, the city of York has breathed a collective sigh of relief, finally free from having its good name attached to “the royal who often sweated like a priest at a choir boy convention.”
Palace staff are also celebrating, seeing as Andrew’s nickname during his reign of terror was: “The cunt”.
As one local put it: “It’s nice to have our duke title back. Maybe we’ll give it to someone less controversial. Like a ferret.”
The common civilian Andrew was last seen dining at the Woking Pizza Express, a place which he finds deep comfort in, especially as he was digging into an “American Hot”.
Meanwhile in Montecito, apparently sources reveal that there is a tad bit of squeaky bum time going on …wonder why?
