Comrades, we are increasing the cost of living crisis for you by taxing you more and increasing food inflation because of high energy costs/high transportation costs/business rate increases and even more taxation and bureaucratic red tape.
The People’s Republic of Soviet Britain can proudly claim that its living standards are better than the Gulags of Siberia in 1942 (barely).
DOUBLE PLUS GOOD NEWS
Potato rations from one mouldy rotten potato per two-month period will increase by half a rotten mouldy potato.
Heating and energy costs will increase by another 148% so be sure to wear a coat, gloves and scarf in your homes if you don’t want to freeze to fucking death this winter. Fireplaces and wood burners are banned, and anyone found trying to warm themselves will be liquidated and made into Net Zero Juice.
MORE GOOD NEWS, LABOUR IS INCREASING TAXES AGAIN IN 2026
Comrades, you need to work harder to pay the taxes so that council fat cats, Big State Bureaucrats, Labour Party officials, train drivers, union staff and bosses can receive high salaries and pensions, as well as large expense accounts. The exponentially increasing size of the welfare system for the workshy, drug addicts, fake asylum seeking men, and just pure lazy cunts who can’t work because they have tennis elbow, need their vast weekly payments so they can live the life of Riley.
COMRADE STARMER IS SECURE IN HIS LEADERSHIP
Comrades, there have been rumours and whispers from our Stasi Agents and Stasi Pub Banter Police. These rumours consist of news that the vile brigand Nigel Farage is increasing his presence and popularity and is planning to oust Comrade Starmer and the Big State Labour apparatus that everyone loves so much.
Don’t worry comrades, we have many divisive and tricky tricks up our sleeves. Soon this brigand Farage will have such a tarnished reputation, he won’t be able to even look at himself in a mirror. We will dig, lie, and create fictitious stories about him to completely ruin him.
FINAL GOOD NEWS
Soviet tax slaves who have outlived their usefulness and have died will be presented to Net Zero processing plants so there is no need for expensive traditional burials any more. We are increasing production daily thanks to the cost of living crisis that is increasing daily as well. Remember, we save you the cost of a cardboard coffin, so you and your family do not have to pay the costs — but you will still be taxed heavily for dying. Thank you and have a nice fucking death.
If this is the good news what’s the bad news.
Ah, yes, more taxes and bureaucratic bollocks to keep the Big State humming. Labour’s gift that keeps on giving, like a never-ending bout of the Syphilis. Banning wood burners and ramping up welfare for the lazy cunts while we freeze? Bloody marvellous; I reckon Starmer’s just jealous of Stalin’s moustache and fancies a go at his playbook.
I suppose we should be chuffed that our dearly departed get turned into ‘Net Zero Juice’ instead of a posh burial saves on the cardboard coffin, doesn’t it? Cheers to the comrades for making life so utterly wonderful. Might as well top meself now.
How utterly delightful, comrades; nothing says ‘progress’ like inflating energy bills by 148 million% and doling out half a mouldy fu-cking spud as a treat. Labour’s got us working harder to pamper union bosses and asylum seekers, while we shiver in our gloves Ttop marks for recreating Siberian luxury on a budget. If this is the People’s Republic, count me in for the next revolution, ta very much you shister pieces of commie pinko poop.