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British Trayvon Mark Duggan Lawfully Shot by Police

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Luckily it’s not summer or the Untermenschen would be out on the streets by now. The timing of the trial was crucial because it is cold and wet in the winter limiting the mobility of any prospective trouble.

In August 2011 Mark Duggan’s lawful killing sparked three days of riots all across London.

“The weather is on our side. The subs (thugs) are too busy playing their consoles to be bothered with this lawful verdict and it’s freezing. They only go out on money day during the winter months but the summer is when they all come out to play,” a bystander at the hearing told the BBC after the verdict was declared.

Dennis Rodman Fed to Hungry Dogs on Recent Trip to N. Korea

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According to reports from North Korea’s state news network Dennis Rodman offended Kim Jong-Un by winning an impromptu game of basketball during the visit.

The mad Korean despot was unrepentant about his actions on his former friend.

Gruesome Combo Guard

“That scum seven foot oaf should have missed a few shots if he wanted to live. I had my hook shot ready on the free-throw-line, when he made a fast break came in on the base line and utilised an amoeba defence technique using the Grinnell system on my fat North Korean ass. Next thing I know he slam dunked that thing like it was my old has-been uncle’s decapitated head in a dog pit.”

The U.S. State Department was notified of the killing of Rodman yesterday and are currently trying to get further details before dispatching a doggy bag to North Korea for Rodman’s grizzly remains if there is anything left.

Benefits Street Looks Great On a 45 Inch HD 3D TV

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Yeah, we all know Benefits Street is a stark insight into Britain’s £61 billion per year benefits bill for taxpayers but it looks great on an HD TV whilst lying back on a couch smoking a fag and drinking a can of Special Brew.

“There’s nothing better than relaxing on my sofa watching an episode of Benefits Street on my fookin’ top of the range HD TV bought by you working losers. You’se lot need to work ‘arder ya c*nts!” Larry Nesbit, 34, who has never worked a day in his life told Channel 4 news.

Hollywood Director Needs Teleprompter For Everyday Speech

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The director who makes some of the most bland plotless films ever to reach the screen and has no cinematic talent whatsoever is a sufferer of terminal Telepromptitis which is a recognised medical condition. Other sufferers are president Barack Hussein Obama and Miss South Carolina.

Dr. Erhud Weiss described the condition on the Oprah Winfrey show: “It’s not just untalented Hollywood directors who suffer but it is a serious condition where certain people have to read lines written by other people because their brains cannot make their own sentences up. They’re basically empty shells walking around and need to be told what to do at all times.”

Michael Bay even needs a teleprompter to order a cup of coffee and has a team of four people dragging a teleprompter around wherever he goes. He also has a 15 strong team of writers on call at all times to write what the director will say next.

Morrissey Doesn’t Eat Meat Occasionally

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“I don’t like to eat meat. At least that’s what I tell my special male friend,” the outspoken singer and lyrical maestro told some leftist newspaper.

Morrissey is set to attend a book signing in an abattoir in Salford, Manchester next week where he will smear freshly clotted blood from the butcher’s table onto his latest best selling novel called ‘I Don’t Eat Meat Occasionally Oh Go On Darling’.

Grillo Sisters to Star in New Cookery Show

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Now that Nigella Lawson has her own cookery show in America, the Grillo sisters who were embroiled in the Saatchi divorce, are set to enjoy their own cookery program.

“We’re going to have lots of grillo cheese, grillo fish and grillo egg. In fact everything will be grillo. Just like we grilloed Charles and Nigella. Not only will the dishes be cooked on the grillo but they will be bloody expensive too. How about the grillo mozzarella sandwich? That will cost Channel 4 £320,000. And the grilloed Halibut? That will cost Channel 4 a measly grilloed £160,000,” one of the Grillo sisters revealed.

The new Grillo Sister Grillo Cookery program will be filmed in the most expensive locations the two sisters can find.

David Cameron Promises People Populist Policies in Many Many Years

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Britain’s PM, David Cameron, has today promised the people that he will introduce the policies that they have been asking for for years and he will listen to the people soon, very soon, in many, many years from now to be precise.

“I have been listening to the plebs, ahem I mean the public. I promise to introduce those populist policies that I keep talking about I will introduce. The next batch of promises will be in ten years time not now of course even though I have the power to implement them right now. I said I will introduce the policies the public want, so if you remember what you wanted in ten years time, you’re better than I thought, besides I won’t be around then any way so piss orf oiks,” the prime minister said from Downing Street.

The upcoming general election in 2015 is therefore in the bag for the Tories. Promises, promises..

Experts: War Makes Things Happen Faster and is Good For World

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“What takes fifty years in the political and diplomatic field can be achieved in less than five years of war. This is the true effectiveness of a good world war. One can see the effective implementation of global unity post world war two with the United Nations and NATO. The coming next war will create a truly global system ruled by one source. War also serves a very important purpose and that is to reduce populations as well as increase the effectiveness of military equipment. In peace time the military is constrained by budget cuts and inactivity, whereas in war, technology is speeded up to find new military weapons. There is an urgency in war that is unrivalled to peace time.

“To affect global change in their favour, one must also understand that wars are funded by one entity. In World War two the American bankers funded Germany as much as they did the Allies. This form of global financing is an important factor in globalisation. Of course, the populations do suffer heavy losses in global wars but amongst the elite financiers they are an accepted collateral loss for an altogether larger gain. In addition to chaos and mayhem, war creates great fear, this is what the elite controllers love the most as they feed off the collective fear of the masses and utilise that emotion to steer the herd towards the objective they choose.

In closing statements on the brief paper, there are references to past global wars and their effective conclusions in re-engineering global politics and society as a whole and bringing a New World Order.

Wall Street 2013 vs 1929

“Some historians are already claiming that the time we are living in right now is very similar to the build up of World War One, and there may be some correlation to this theory, although the present time is possibly mirroring the build up to World War Two more than the previous example. Billionaires are already dumping their stocks as we speak as they have an eye on the future and know their history very well. All ages move in a cyclical fashion, and if one studies history one will see that over the centuries there have been many cyclical events, as history repeats itself time and time again. One also must understand the fundamentals of biology to comprehend that humans have not changed their biological constitution and are still the same after thousands of years. It therefore does not matter how supposedly civilised the modern man may think he is, he is still as racist, greedy, violent, religious, bigoted, nationalistic and flawed as man thousands of years ago.

“The next war will therefore have to be an effective efficient mechanism to eradicate human conflict once and for all. Possibly by introducing mechanised weapons, to eradicate the many forms of human vice. It is possible that those who survive will be interred into a scientific technical society, where all hatred, war and previously violent human behaviour will be purged under a strict controlled population. Bio-mechanical implantation, transhumanism, sentient artificial intelligence and nano technology will dictate an altogether different experience to the previous chaotic messy overcrowded human condition responsible for much pain and heartache.”

5 Ways to Handle January 6 Officially the Most Depressing Day in the Year

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Okay, first of all back away from the razor blades, that shit is not helpful.

January 6 Aaaargh!!!!

1) Don’t read the Daily Squib. Okay, not many people read it anyway, but if you somehow come across a Squib story somewhere, just ignore it. Oh, you do that already do you? Aw shucks.

2) Don’t think about nice things like opening Christmas presents, drinking loads of booze and stuffing yourself with grub. You now have to go back to work and pay the bills…ouch.

3) Here’s a good trick…er..try and be cheery, think positive thoughts like how tax freedom day will be in August this year.

4) Don’t you dare think too much. It’s frankly depressing, just keep working…that is if you have a job.

5) Say fuck it, leave your job and go on an extended holiday forever. Just got to win the lottery first damn it.

George W Bush to Visit Al Qaeda Controlled Fallujah

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“I want to see how my Mission Accomplished thing is going,” the president said from his Texas ranch.

The former president is going to put the paint brushes down momentarily and travel first to Baghdad which has the only safe zone in the country, measuring 10 square kilometres. From there he will take a helicopter directly to Al Qaeda controlled Fallujah.

Security contractor Niles Dean from Dirtwater Military said: “We’re just going to fly over Fallujah and show Mr Bush what freedom looks like for the Iraqi people. There’s no way we can land in that place with the savages roaming.”

Since the 2003 US liberation of Iraq things sure have changed.