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East Germans Rebuilding Berlin Wall

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Pink Floyd soundtracks are not being played over the PA system as thousands of East German workers get stuck in to the strenuous work of rebuilding the Berlin Wall. Ever since the Russians reclaimed this part of Germany, things have gone back to the good old days of Stasi disappearances and long queues to buy basics like bread and milk.

Gunther Mathias, a carpenter, is glad the wall is being re-built and has been lending a hand wherever he can: “I remember the wall being taken down, it was a very sad day for me because I knew that capitalism, would bring much sorrow and heartache to our previously simple sparse lives. This is why rebuilding the wall will bring back the simple life again. I do not want choices any more, I just want simplicity, and this is why the soviet system works so well. Citizens and comrades, how many types of cheese do we have to have in a supermarket? I would rather queue at a bakery for three hours in the pouring rain because at least that gives me hope of a hopeless future.”

Sadly, Mr Mathias disappeared shortly after the interview because of consorting with Western journalists, he was visited by officers from the Ministerium für Staatssicherheit who took him away in the early hours of the morning in an unmarked van.

It seems that history is one big circle as it repeats over, and over again.

Pistorius Killed Ex-Girlfriend in Fit of Rage But..

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Reeva Steenkamp wanted to leave live wire Pistorius, and he knew that. She called him stumpy, and made him out to be half a man, he lost his temper and shot her when she was taking refuge in the toilet.

People like Pistorius are very driven people, nothing gets in the way of their success, and when Reeva threatened Pistorius’ extreme focus — where he never loses — he snapped.

One must clearly analyse the state of mind of Pistorius, he is a paranoid control freak athlete, and he likes to shoot. When he saw red, he knew the repercussions but thought his story about intruders would make him sail through any court case.

During the trial, Pistorius engaged in a theatrical show to the judge to show remorse for his crime. The more remorse he shows, he hopes the audience will look upon him with favour. He has even employed the prop of a simple bucket to vomit into, this may gain even further sympathy from the judge.

No doubt many men have to put up with the devilish tongue of some women, and what Reeva said to him that night sealed her fate. Most men just eat it up, but Pistorius snapped, and he had a gun.

Who was more stupid? Reeva and her deadly unravelled tongue, or the juvenile uncontrollable actions of a big kid with a gun only used to getting everything his way all the time?

Beyond doubt, Pistorius is guilty of a murder of passion, whether the starry eyed judge (no juries in South Africa since 1969, please see comment below, our writer got a severe rap on the knuckles for that one – Ed.) is allowed to come to that conclusion is another matter, for when it comes to justice there are two types, justice for the famous, and justice for the rest.

This time, justice will come as a shock to Pistorius as he is taken away in a van to a secure prison for a long time.

How to Invest Like Soros and Buffett

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First of all to invest like Soros or Buffett, you must have a minimum of $500 billion in your account. If you do not have that amount of money, then you can’t achieve the investment targets required.

“When you have a near unlimited margin, you can pretty much buy or sell anywhere on the chart as long as your team of highly paid chartists and researchers think it’s okay. Entry points are not a problem when you can stay in a trade for ten years without even breaking a sweat through all the noise. Warren Buffett says buy and hold, yes, but only if you can afford it. George Soros says buy in a bubble, yes only if you can afford it. In other words, to make billions, one must first start off with billions, anything less is doomed to failure. Remember, the fundamental point about the big boys is that they do not think about money. If you have to think about money, then you lose, that’s the difference between them and the majority,” Donald Franken, an investment banker at Banque de Societal told the Financial Times.

Keys to Making Billions

1) You must have a minimum of $500 billion in the bank before investing

2) Employ the best researchers and programmers

3) Avoid paying tax at all costs utilising offshore accounts

4) Lobby powerful politicians, presidents.

5) Give some money to good causes, be seen as a philanthropist

6) Have a direct line to the dark side for that special insider info..shhh

Experts: Why Celebrity Fashionistas are all Dropping Off

Experts in societal eugenics are not as intrigued as the common lay person on the phenomenon sweeping the fashion celebrity circuit at the moment, but have gone out of their way to analyse the data anyway because they were bored.

“Naturally there is surprise and confusion when someone in the fashion world dies early, but our analysis of the fashion world has revealed important data points which remove all elements of surprise. You see the fashion world is controlled by homosexuals, and their hatred of the female form creates models who do not look like females any more. To participate in this farcical theatre of hatred against the female form, the females participating in the fashion shows must hate themselves as well. During the unholy ceremony of misogyny performed by the fashion controllers, women are trained from young ages to starve themselves so they can look like young boys, therefore they can be pleasing to their fashion designer masters. Naturally, there will be casualties as many women succumb to the diet of vegetable juice, heroin and cocaine. Their hearts give away, but all is not lost as there are many other brainwashed self-hating women who are willing to bow at the altar of fashion death. Vanity, starvation, and narcissism are key to the fashion world and these tenets must be adhered to at all costs.There is no room for real women in the fashion industry or true celebration of the feminine form pleasing to real men.

“Mick Jagger’s bit on the side, and Peaches Geldof’s heroin lust are two examples of the most recent celebrity fashionista offerings to the altar of fashion death. They died for their fashion, and this is commended by the industry, but they will be forgotten as others take their place in the fickle, soulless, banal, plastic, positively evil fashion industry.”

Nigella Accepted For Cookery Show in Colombia

“Screw America, if they won’t have me, I’m sure others will,” Nigella Lawson said through gritted teeth on her third trip back from Heathrow.

Her desperation to go to America and make it big in the land of the free, has been thwarted by some dastardly underhand dealing which refused her entry into the USA on a mere technicality.

Nigella’s agent, Manny Escobar, revealed some interesting details in this week’s edition of Entertainment Weekly.

“Lissen mang, we gotta g-o-o-o-d deal comin’ through in July. Porto! The yeyo is prime time, and Nigella is gonna be doin’ the cookin’. The best Colombian cookery show you evah seen, at least 4 ks uncut. Fuck United States! And fuck the fucking immigration! Fuck them all! I bury those cockroaches. What they ever do for us?”

BBC Licence Fee is Brilliant Say Majority Britons

It’s great, you get to watch mediocre programs, a shadow of previous BBC programs from the golden age of telly, and not only that, you get to pay for executives’ slap up meals, massive pension plans and huge pay offs.

“The BBC is great, even disgraced executives who were fired under terms of gross misconduct and fraud are given massive golden handshakes. And lest we forget the patron saint of the BBC Sir Jimmy Savile, whose depraved exploits were defended by the beeb right to the very end. How’s about the large International excursions costing BBC licence fee  payers vast amounts of money, you know sending a group of 3000 BBC employees to Shanghai for a Chinese takeaway?” a happy licence fee payer told the BBC.

One non TV tax payer said: “I especially love the threatening letters they send me every day even though I don’t have a TV in the house. As for the TV inspectors calling at my property at all hours of the day and night with even more nasty threats, it spices up my otherwise dull life.”

Nick Clegg Joins Ukip After Losing Debate

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“Everything I said, he [Nigel Farage] had a better answer. After the debate I got in my car and was driven home, I cried all the way there. When I got home, I phoned Nigel up and told him I wanted to join Ukip because he convinced me how wrong and deluded I was,” Nick Clegg told the BBC.

The official announcement of Nick Clegg’s resignation from the now defunct Lib Dem party was made this morning.

The errant Ukip leader, Nigel Farage, was said to be glad that Clegg had finally seen some sense, and sent over a few crates of top notch ale for the former Lib Dem leader to enjoy.

Cameron Likes Waitrose Because Poor People Can’t Go There

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“Waitrose is great, you go there and there is not a poor person in sight. No tracksuits, onesies, crying benefits babies or ethnics,” David Cameron revealed yesterday.

Most people in England can only shop at foodbanks or shop lift groceries from supermarkets, or go through bins looking for scraps, therefore Cameron’s comments did touch a nerve amongst the majority of the population.

“If the people can’t afford a loaf of bread for £7.50 we don’t want to see their grubby faces in here. Let’s just say the prices separate the wheat from the chaff, ” a privileged Waitrose customer, Doris Elleswater, 89, from Richmond Upon Thames added.

London House Prices Give Woman Permanent Orgasm

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A London woman is in a permanent state of ecstasy as London house prices continue to rocket daily.

“I, I can’t believe it, yesterday my house went up by £23,000. Ooh, this is all too mu-u-u-ch for me,” the unnamed woman who owns a £950,000 studio flat in Wood Green, North London told the Daily Mail.

Unfortunately there has been a cost to her constant state of joy, she has lost her job, and her husband of six years.

“Let’s just say it is hard for me to walk down the street let alone do a good day’s work in office..AAAaaaah! George Osborne, George Osborne, vote Tory….ooph!”

If Labour wins in the upcoming 2015 General Election, she may get some rest.

Note to our readers: Due to the word ‘orgasm’ being in the title of this article you will not see any adverts on this page. This is due to the word ‘orgasm’ being deemed as rude by the google algorithm on a perfectly innocent article about house prices. Having an orgasm is in fact a perfectly natural biological function enjoyed by millions of people around the world on a daily basis. If you are utilising an adblocker piece of software, please disregard this announcement completely. Thank you and do carry on reading.

Summer Holiday Offers: Two Week Stay at Ebola Hotel All Inclusive

The Daily Squib is offering a two week all-inclusive package holiday at the Ebola Hotel for our lucky summer holiday competition winners.

Here’s your chance to win a once in a lifetime, all-inclusive trip for a lucky competition winner to the world famous Ebola hotel resort in Guinea.

Luscious bat caves, wonderful tropical jungles teeming with bats, some of the world’s best dark nightspots and friendly locals fleeing for their lives.

Your stay at the 5 star rated Ebola hotel will be your own little holiday paradise lost.

Enjoy total relaxation on a decrepit dirty hospital bed being treated by clueless medics wearing decontamination suits whilst bleeding from the inside, vomiting and happily ejaculating copious amounts of diarrhoea from your poor tired puckering arsehole…

YOUR HOLIDAY INCLUDES

  • All Meals Consisting of Bat Meat and Assorted Bushmeat Infected With Deadly Pathogens
  • Premium Brand Virus Laden Bat Blood Liquor Distilled in the Jungle
  • Luxurious Accommodations in a Cave Full of Angry Pissing Bats
  • Gourmet Bat Dining Accompanied by Severe Incurable Dysentery
  • Projectile Vomiting into a Dirty Bucket Overflowing With Human Faeces
  • Roundtrip Airport Transfers in a Cardboard Coffin
  • All Bat Blood Drinks Free at Happy Hour
  • All Tips and Gratuities to the Doctors in Chem Suits
  • All Hotel Death Taxes
  • Watersports from the Smelly Bats Hanging in Caves
  • Funeral Services in an Unmarked Ditch Somewhere in the Jungle
Room service at the Ebola hotel
Room service at the Ebola hotel

To win this exclusive holiday just answer this simple question.

“Where does Ebola come from?”

1) Idiots who eat bat and bushmeat

2) Bat blood and bushmeat when eaten

3) Bats

Terms and Conditions. Please send a postcard with the correct answer to Ebola Comp. 36 P.O. Box 456, Trimpleton Road, London, W1X D3. Competition will end on midnight some time next week. Employees of the Daily Squib are not allowed to enter the competition and neither is Batman.