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Michelle Obama Clown Act Derided by Real Clowns

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An impromptu appearance by the First Lady, Michelle Obama, at a Kansas City High School dressed as a clown came under fierce criticism from the U.S. Guild of Clowns.

“We found her performance darn right creepy and offensive to clowns everywhere. What was she thinking?” Dilbo Bugbit, a clown told the close knit group on Saturday.

Mrs Obama stepped out to the High School graduation stage wearing a full on clown outfit, then proceeded to clown around even squirting the principal with a fake flower on her lapel.

Another clown said: “We already got one imposter clown in office, we don’t need his wife doing the same thing.”

Experts: New World Order Not Threatened by Russia

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Professor Julius Chalkin, revealed some of the intricacies of dealing with Russia in a recent paper.

“Russia may be seen as a threat to global governance and the New World Order but this solicitude is far from the truth, in essence, Russia can be utilised to increase urgency in a singular control system purely on the precept that conflict is an accelerant. The final push will involve assimilation of all entities currently outside the span of the West’s influence. In effect, the term, ‘the West’ is an outdated term that will not be used in the future, because it is a term that denotes one part of the globe. We need to remove this term from the global configuration as the future is one government, one currency, one world.

“The global government will have superior technology, this is the key to complete global ordinance. Currently, states like North Korea and Iran are also resisting global encroachment and assimilation, but they will be assimilated through the implementation of advanced systems eventually.

“Once all former states are integrated, the populations will need firm control. Control will come in the form of a singular digital currency, which will be harmonised with all world citizens. Once again technology will be key to the new jurisdiction and running of daily affairs.

“One world currency will ensure stability in global governance and the malaise of economic warfare which is the current unsavoury symptom of an uncompleted stage the world is currently dealing with. All trade will thus be fair, all transactions will be tracked and logged, all payments within the cashless new world system could also be stopped if there is need for certain chaotic groups that may still choose to resist the single currency implementation.

“In summing up, one must first reach a level of complete technical dominance, one surpassing any other current technology. We already have secret systems operating today unbeknownst to the general populations, as we operate 90 years in advance of the civilian technology. Soon with the implementation of AI systems that will be sentient and implementation of enhanced internal chip technology, as well as superior robotics technology with weaponised abilities, and nanotech there will be no form of defence.

“It is naturally imperative that once total global governance is gained, the ecological disaster of overpopulation and factory farming must be addressed immediately.

“Time is of the essence, therefore, Russian spanners in the cogs will not affect much change to our current exponential trajectory. Instead, any form of dissent, must be utilised for the world order’s gain.”

Miley Cyrus Faces Long Recovery From ‘Extreme Allergic Reaction’ to Dignity and Talent

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Her illness interrupted her “Bangerz” tour when she was admitted to a Kansas City hospital Tuesday.

Cyrus, 21, tweeted to fans Thursday morning that she is “over the hospital, read a page of literature the other day” along with a photo of her lying in bed. She added: “can’t quit crying i do not have one morsel of talent in me. i dont think i can ever go back on stage i am a shameful excuse for artistry and creativity … i need to get sum dignity and read a book cuz im thick as shit at the mo.”

She canceled a show in Charlotte, North Carolina, last week because of what was reported to be a severe pang of sudden consciousness of her bland banal lowest common denominator demented shallow brainwashed self. Her bout of self realisation may have made her ill say doctors, because she may have had an inkling that her crass untalented show is merely a tool for music executives to get very rich.

“Miley Cyrus was suffering from a sudden fit of consciousness during her tour in N.C. a week ago. She was prescribed a course of classic literature which she has now suffered an extreme allergic reaction to,” the statement said. “This type of extreme reaction can last from five to ten years in these types of cases of extreme lack of intelligence and stupidity.

“She will remain hospitalized and is under a doctor’s care until we see some improvement in her condition and is asking for your compassion and privacy at this time even though she keeps tweeting every five minutes. Miley is devastated about her dulled moronic existence and her lack of basic intelligence, she asks that fans delete her awful banal croakings from their hard disks and ipods and hopefully she may make a recovery from extreme stupidity in about ten years time…if ever.”

Evangelical Christian David Cameron Preaches to the Flock

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“Dear Comrades, ahem, I mean fellow parishioners, I am here to preach my evangelical Christian beliefs and push them down your throats whether you like it or not. If you want to live in Britain, you must be a Christian, and it is going to be my mission to force everyone to believe in the Bible, even though there are no factual events written in that book of fiction conceived by multiple writers hundreds of years ago. You see, when I visited Israel, I spoke of my Jewish heritage, when I was in Scotland, I spoke of my Scottish heritage and when I visited Germany I said I was part German, and on and on. Never mind that homosexuality is depicted as worse or equal to bestiality in the Christian Bible, I have pushed for gayness everywhere and introduced gay marriage across Britain which is in fact abhorrent to most Christians and the writing in the Bible. For me you cannot have good values or family without being a Christian, and this is why I am going to force my religion of hypocrisy upon you whether you like it or not. Truth be told, I have no morals and will say anything if it suits me or my agenda, otherwise I would not be your prime minister or a member of parliament. Thank you for listening to my sermon, I’m off to Waitrose to buy a cartload of food that you cannot afford, but you never know, if you pray hard enough to some human constructed deity, you may one day be able to afford a loaf of bread at £8.99. Don’t forget to vote for me in the upcoming election in 2015 you fucking non-Etonion oiks.”

The Prime Minister attended another evangelical Christian event yesterday in a gay bath house in Chichester where the PM even helped clean up the towels at the end of the arduous Christian session.

Don’t forget to send in your evangelical Christian donations to the Tory party so that they can lose the election in style in 2015. Donations should be no less than £50 or your name will be put on a list and you may be visited by David Cameron for a special sermon.

Royals Entranced by Beginning of World War III

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The spectacular views of mushroom clouds exploding in brilliant multicoloured lights and the sound of people running in terror left the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge awe struck with the magnificence of World War III beginning.

The royals were given a guided tour of some rocks in the Australian Outback far away from the nuclear detonations.

The couple described the sight of the multiple mushroom clouds as “beautiful” and said they would like to return one day with Prince George, once they come out of the bunkers in ten or fifteen years time.

Croc McGreggor, the local Crocodile Dundee character, who runs the local watering hole, acted as the Duchess’s guide, while the Duke just sat there in awe as he witnessed the atomic fireworks display and nuclear winds blowing radioactive dust everywhere.

The Duke of Cambridge quipped: “It’s beautiful. I watched the first salvo of nuclear detonations explode and stood there in wonderment at the magnificence of those Russian missiles. We can see it in Australia, god knows what’s happening in Windsor. I hope grandmama is okay. I presume they’re in the nuclear shelter by now. Ah, it’s good to be royal, sorry for all the rest who aren’t going to make it, but look on the bright side, we are.”

The couple posed for pictures at the beauty spot and were introduced to three cowering Aboriginal Elders, representing the defeated Aboriginal locals who were nearly decimated by the white man many years ago.

They presented the royal group with some irradiated stones and a chewed up kangaroo skin before running off into the bush terrified by the nuclear winds coming ever closer.

Later, the Duke and Duchess with the royal entourage were whisked off to a secret bunker somewhere to enjoy the rest of their stay.

What a wonderful distraction to the end of civilisation as we know it.

Obama: “Midwest America Cannot Escape Obamafication”

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President Obama has made another speech revealing his plans to destroy the heart and soul of Midwest America.

“First of all, I hate cowboys. I want every cowboy wiped off the face of our land. You stand for everything that is against my socialist values. You are in my sights, and I will destroy you all bit by bit, rest assured I will not stop until my mission is complete. Once I completely purge the American heartland of its cowboys, the whole country will bow to the Obama doctrines and tenets I staunchly stand by. You stand for America, well I don’t want that. My job is to destroy America. You stand for gun ownership, well my job is to disarm you. You stand for family values, well my job is to destroy that. You stand for your Christian religion, well my job is to destroy that. I will take your cattle, I will take your land, I will force homosexual values down your throats, I will force you to watch Ellen DeGeneres shows on a constant loop and I will force you all to participate in same sex marriages, but most of all I’m banning Country music from America permanently and replacing it with black rap music. I will complete my mission to cleanse America. You will be told what to say and what not to say, you will be banned from wearing your filthy cowboy hats, you will be forced to adhere to my socialist Marxist doctrines of collectivisation, you will be assimilated into the socialist hub of the new America, the new socialist America where we want the whites to sit at the back of the bus, you had your chance, and you will comply or we will destroy you completely,” a defiant Obama said at his most recent White House speech.

Bureau of Land Confiscation

President Obama has ordered Senator Harry Reid to spearhead the purging of America’s heartland which has been sold to the Communist state of China for a pittance.

“We gave your hard fought land to the Chinese for not much money. They own that land now, so be gone from it. Throw down your mangy dawg cowboy hats on the floor, because this ain’t your land any more. Now go on git, you two bit loser ex-cowboys. Find some other place, that ain’t in AmeriChina. How about you go to Guatemala,” a laughing Harry Reid said as he spat on an American flag and used his boot to grind it into the dirt.

Fears that Russian Driving Skills Could be Exported Globally

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“Russian driving is equivalent to downing two bottles of vodka, a handful of Temazepam, a bag of cocaine and 16 cans of Red Bull all at once,” Igor Stansvski, a driver from Moscow revealed.

Russian road deaths are amongst the highest in the world, and soon they’ll be exporting their death rate to our roads as well.

Looks like from now on we’ll all be driving around with dashcams playing crap Russkie electro music and shouting “Blyat!” and “Opa!” at every opportunity.

 

Man Attacked by Thousands of Lab-Grown Vaginas

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Alfred Neuhart, a technician working at an experimental laboratory in North Carolina was involved in an industrial incident that could have resulted in a fatality on Sunday night.

According to the scientists working on the ground breaking project, a big box full of lab-grown vaginas which was presumed lost accidentally fell over releasing the little snappers onto the lab floor.

“You would have thought it would be every man’s dream to be attacked by thousands of vaginas, but this turned into a living nightmare for the poor fellow. Neuhart, didn’t have a chance, he slipped on one, then when he fell over, the vaginas jumped him latching on like a vice. We tried to pull a few off, but once these get a grip the muscles start rippling up and down. They even let out a strange ‘cooing’ sound as they alerted their friends they caught something,” professor Miles Feline, the project leader told the BBC.

The technician is currently recovering at a local area hospital in a semi-conscious state.

Hillary Clinton Too Slow to be President

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U.S. Presidential election pundits have been analysing the reaction speed of Hillary Clinton and have some unfavourable words to say about her which could impact on her presidential hopes.

“When it comes to shoes, George W. Bush is the master, he can dodge a shoe thrown from 50 yards at an approximate speed of 60 MPH. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand has some seriously slow reactions. She didn’t even realise someone threw a shoe at her until 4.5 seconds had passed. This is a serious issue, first of all, do you want a female president in charge with the reactions of a sloth? You need to have quick reactions like George W. Bush had, okay he wasn’t the brightest bulb, but he had fast reactions, he didn’t sit around, this guy took action, he invaded without blinking an eye, and you need that for a president,” Arnold B. DeWinters, a Capitol Hill political analyst told the Washington Times.

Some political commentators are putting Hillary Clinton’s awful reaction speed to being a Liberal (American Socialist).

“Liberals don’t act, they’re slow. One minute they say one thing, then they try something else and nothing ever gets done. Republicans see the target, they act and complete what they wanted to do efficiently and with speed. That’s the difference right there, and it shows in the shoe.”

1) How to Dodge Two Shoes

 

2) How Not to Dodge a Shoe

Wendi Deng to Marry Tony Blair in Iraq

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The wedding of the millennium will take place in Baghdad’s notorious Sunni triangle inside a heavily fortified Bedouin tent this summer, the former prime minister of Britain’s aides have announced to the press.

“We thought, where could the wedding of the millennium be? Of course, the one place that Tony Blair liberated and brought freedom to — Iraq. The wedding will have all guests wearing suitable protective body armour and there will be a phalanx of mercenaries flanking the tent from all sides. Unfortunately, the wedding will not be a public affair as the couple respect their privacy, although photographers from a non-Rupert Murdoch owned publication will be flown in especially for the occasion in a multi-million pound deal,” Janice Applebee, one of Tony Blair’s senior aides revealed.

One Iraqi standing outside the Green Zone quipped: “I suppose what he did to Iraq, he did to that old bastard’s wife. No honour amongst criminals eh?”