17.7 C
London
Monday, December 29, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 550

David Camoron to Win Election

1

Speaking at his holiday home in Trudgechester, the Prime Minister is already revelling in victory.

“The coming election is won already, and as I sip my lemonade, I revel in my upcoming success in failure. It’s not the same old story every time, you know, Tories make the money, Labour spend it, that’s going to happen again under my watch. Georgie boy, I’ll promote you to Shadow Chancellor, I want you to see all your hard work disappear down the grime hole on every sordid episode of PMQs, although with the Mumsnet Stasi around, looks like we won’t have that anymore either. Excuse me, I’m off to make another irrelevant immigration gesture law to appease no one. Thank you.”

Larry David: Israelis Need to Eat Some Palestinian Chicken

0

 

“I’m simply going to sit these people from both sides down and show them some of my curb episodes, if that doesn’t work then there really is no hope for anyone and the world is going to hell in a chicken basket.” Mr David said before zooming off in his Prius.

Having a sense of humour in such dark times is therefore a good way of keeping an even keel.

Israeli PM, Binyamin Netanyahu even commented on the video on Tuesday through the Haaretz news service:

“I was told to watch this video, heh, well I watched it, you know in between bombing reviews with the IDF, IAF. Larry, Larry, Larry, c’mon now, everyone knows me, if I was in that situation I would have had her detained, but that’s just me, you know it’s not a case of coming home, but I gotta tiny penis, that’s why I’m so angry all the frickin’ time. I hate Palestinian chicken. Yuck! Good luck to you Larr, the only good Jew in that vid is the Funkman.”

One Direction Zayn Malik Issues Fatwa on Israel

 

“I issue this fatwa on Israel and all One Direction fans living in that occupied territory be levelled to the ground, innit,” the pop star told MTV on Tuesday.

Not Kosher

Zayn Malik, who is a devout Muslim — although he smokes dope and eats infidel meat — is unrepentant with issuing the fatwa and has vowed to use his position of power in the pathetic manufactured boy band to create an intifada on all Israelis.

The Israeli Defence Force (IDF) are on full alert and have ordered all copies of terrorist group One Direction to be burned, incinerated, and obliterated.

Meanwhile in his lair, pop polluter, Simon Cowell is in despair: “Oy vey, it vas only last week I donated to the IDF, and now zis? My shekels, my shekels!”

Gifts: Africans Bringing Ebola Virus to Europe, UK and US

5

African countries may take a lot of humanitarian aid from Western nations, which is usually pilfered by unscrupulous African governmental ministers, but you can’t deny that Africa does not give anything back.

“Thanks to Africans still being allowed to travel to Western nations we can finally give something back to you, it’s not all take, take, take. We’re giving you Ebola, a highly contagious deadly virus that spreads like wildfire, and flourishes in aircraft cabins. We bring it over by air, by sea and by the roads as you welcome us through your borders. This is the gift we give to you and let’s face it, you’re the stupid ones for allowing us to travel to your nations whilst there is a deadly Ebola outbreak in multiple African countries,” Elolol Bokor, an Ebola virus carrier from Burkina Faso said whilst arriving at Heathrow Terminal three, on Monday.

As of yet Western nations are daily allowing thousands of Ebola infected Africans into their countries without any form of testing or quarantine.

The Ebola virus is a highly contagious deadly flesh-eating necrotising virus that is decimating whole areas in Africa, but news of this is being suppressed by the mainstream media. Ebola is transmitted from animals to humans via consumption of bush meat. Once contracted, there is little or no chance of survival, there is no treatment or vaccine for Ebola.

 

R.E.M to Sing Shiny Happy People in Gaza Strip

 

“The band wanted to cheer the people of Gaza up, you know with all that murder going on. They’re just going to sing the song ‘Shiny Happy People’ on a constant loop, and if they don’t get themselves sniped or blown up, then they will try to fly home again after the concert,” Scott Leiken, the bands manager revealed.

United States fans of the band have been warned by the State Department not to go to Gaza, but they can go to one of the 200 ft walls separating the two areas within Israel where they may get to hear the band playing over the gunshots and artillery fire.

The R.E.M concert will commence at 19.00 GMT 31 July in the Khan Yunis rubble pile, next to a big mound of rubble and several craters.

Palestinians who attend the concert may be shot or blown up and the band are not responsible for any injuries from artillery fire.

Update: Brazilian Football Team Now Janitors

0

 

Neymar passes the bucket, then parries a mop as Fred shoots over some detergent, but misses splashing it all over the principal’s prize carpet.

It’s just another term at Jao Da Silva High School where the kids throw paper planes and rotten tomatoes at the former footballers.

“If they see one mopping the floor some kids make sure they make an even bigger mess. I know it’s cruel but these guys need to work for a living, so they’re earning what we pay them,” Pedro De Santos, one of the teachers at the school revealed.

It’s just another day in the life of the former Brazilian football team, as for former manager, Scolari, he can count his lucky stars he is now employed in the municipal dump as part of the waste disposal team.

 

Beware the Wrath of Israel

1

 

One must look at history and the present to understand the intricacies of such an irrational imbroglio meted upon this turbulent region.

The Jews are the ‘chosen people’ as defined by the religious books written thousands of years ago assimilated from Babylonian texts and therefore they say they have the right to rule over the goyim.

They are cleverer than you, look at all the institutions, the technology  and scientific companies, the media, finance, the entertainment companies, the systems in place today are all from Jewish minds. Financially and technically, the Jewish mind works steps ahead of the others, cunning and very adept at whatever field they work in.

You always know who is really in charge because those are the people you cannot say a word against, and it is with this technique Jews coined the phrase anti-Semitism. Any form of critique against a person who has Jewish heritage is immediately pounced upon, denounced, then silenced. If you run a business or are employed by anyone, you can rest assured your days are numbered after any critical utterance. Of course, other races or creeds or religions do not have that supreme protection, and are fair game.

History repeats itself in interesting ways, as the Nazis created ghettos for the Jews in World War II, so Israel created ghettos for the Palestinians, who in Israeli eyes are deemed as Untermenschen. The lesser human (Palestinian) must therefore receive the wrath of Israel as it has the perceived God given right to exist. The Palestinians, however, do not see this and proclaim that Israel does not have a right to exist. This stalwart hatred by both sides is something that cannot be remedied by anything other than complete violence and war. And so, war it shall have to be, and this war will be against a highly financed, trained enemy who will crush the Palestinians with no pity or remorse, such is the wrath unleashed.

The Holocaust was indeed a horrific brutal genocide on the European Jews, and this is why Israel was created on the ancient lands, granted by the British, populated by many different people. What Hitler saw in the future, scared him and his adjutants but was rightly so thwarted. It is to this end that the nomadic Jews, who are very well versed in travel and assimilation created their homeland over the bones of others.

But at what cost?

Israel: Prime Real Estate Opportunities in Gaza

0

Real estate companies in Tel Aviv are licking their lips at the Gaza strip demolition in process at the moment.

Moshe Levisteinski, owner of Kazar Properties, told the Jerusalem Post: “You don’t get opportunities like this. I’m licking my lips right now at the money I’m going to make. The demolition is already done, we just need to clear the bones and rotting carcasses away, put them in incinerators then we move in. I have my architects working on it right now, some condos, a riverside location, golf club. It’s great that the world and Arab scum are sitting by doing nothing, obviously too scared eh. Well, thank you, thank you, I’m going to be richer than I imagined. Please fire more rockets so we can take more land you dumb Palestinian animals.”

Right to Defend Costly

Another Israeli citizen, Abe Winkleberg, wrote on his blog: “These missiles cost money, every time we shoot down one of their fireworks, one Iron Dome missile costs as much as $100,000 for each shot, compare that to the cost of a Palestinian firework at about $60. They’re trying to bankrupt us.”

The property market is booming in Israel as the daily influx of people who call themselves Jews arrive daily.

“Israel is not populated by real Jews any more, it hasn’t been for a very long time. These are mostly Khazari people (semi-nomadic Turkic people), Ashkenazi from Eastern Europe and Russia who converted to Judaism only a few hundred years ago. Their DNA is not Jewish, but their faith is, therefore they can live in Israel so that’s okay. Ninety percent of Israelis do not have Jewish DNA and the original Israelites are all pretty much a long distant memory in modern Israel. In fact, the Palestinians today, hold more Semitic genetic similarity to the original Israelites than the people living in Israel who call themselves Jews,” a bemused man from Jerusalem said before being arrested for heresy.

Which War Zone Will You Be Flying Over For Your Summer Holidays?

0

Summer holidays have never been so much fun in years, it’s not just the in-flight entertainment that will keep you amused but the thought in the back of your mind that you’re flying over a war zone and could be shot down at any minute by a missile.

“I love it, it’s like Russian roulette, you just don’t know if you will be the one to get it. Gives a good adrenaline kick to your on board glass of Chardonnay. Forget the Mile High Club, this is way more thrilling because the unscrupulous airlines never tell you their actual flight plan,” Gary Allinson, 46, wrote on his Facebook page before being shot down with 392 passengers by a surface to air missile over Eastern Europe on Monday.

Currently, it is highly dangerous to fly over the Middle East, the Balkans, Eastern Europe, Africa, some parts of South America, Russia, China, South East Asia and anywhere in Malaysia. But don’t worry about such trivialities, it’s all part of the thrill, especially when you have no idea which flight path your plane actually takes, or changes.

Happy summer holidays!

Peaceful Aliens Landed on Earth Yesterday But Left After Two Minutes

1

“They had a message of peace, like some kind of flag with a happy face on it. I saw them coming out of the flying saucer. I walked up to them and showed them a newspaper front page, they looked at me and said ‘200 years’. The peaceful aliens then got back in their ship and zoomed back into space,” witness Ernie Dean, a beet farmer from Muskegon told CNN.

Space experts are trying to figure out why the aliens would leave so rapidly.

“The state we’re in is great, everything is wonderful on earth, surely they are mistaken. Also the ‘200 years’ bit must be some kind of riddle. Maybe that means they will be back in another 200 years when humans learn to live with each other peacefully, or we could all be gone by then and they’ll feel safer coming here, who knows?” Dr. Fred Farquhar, from NASA’s Space Research Center revealed.