Speaking at his holiday home in Trudgechester, the Prime Minister is already revelling in victory.
“The coming election is won already, and as I sip my lemonade, I revel in my upcoming success in failure. It’s not the same old story every time, you know, Tories make the money, Labour spend it, that’s going to happen again under my watch. Georgie boy, I’ll promote you to Shadow Chancellor, I want you to see all your hard work disappear down the grime hole on every sordid episode of PMQs, although with the Mumsnet Stasi around, looks like we won’t have that anymore either. Excuse me, I’m off to make another irrelevant immigration gesture law to appease no one. Thank you.”