default pro

Home
World
Entertainment
Sci/Tech
Business
Sports
Health
Opinion
Most Popular
Satire
Lifestyle
- Win Betting
- Games
- Finance
- Trading
- Cars
- Property
- Shopping
- Style
- Travel

Home Blog Page 551

Putin Breath of Fresh Air For U.S.

World

July 22, 2014

For a moment it was looking sticky for America, what with Bin Laden dead and the Muslim nations thwarted, but then Putin stepped up to the plate.

Perpetual War of Terror

“The American people were slowly seeing who we were, because their attention was not being diverted to some boogeyman any more. We don’t like that so we gotta thank Putin for diverting the dumb American people. It’s a blessing that we have the dumbest citizens in the world. Thank you Putin, we always have to have some other focus point, someone else to fight, we’re a war nation, we make war on people and the world, we don’t make love we make war dammit,” Democrat Senator Edward Heinz, told CBS news, Monday.

Without outward conflict, America as a warring nation turns inwards, because they have to always fight something. Putin stepped up to the plate this time, and once he is gone, America will move onto the next enemy.

Kim Jong-un: Laughing Stock of Asia? Not Me

Entertainment

Albert Chuck

July 21, 2014

Kim Jong-un: Laughing Stock of Asia? Not Me

According to reports coming from the secretive communist state, the leaflets read:

“Our great leader Kim Jong-un is not funny, eheheh, you must not laugh at the supreme commander in chief, woohoohoo. Anyone caught laughing at the little squirt will get put into a prison camp. This is not funny, you can’t laugh, no laughing, waaahhahahah!!!!”

Anyone caught laughing at Kim Jong-un is immediately sent to a gulag and assigned to re-education programs.

Some North Koreans have even taken to taping their mouths shut or even worse resorted to stitching.

Revealed: Tony Blair Says He is Real Caliph of Iraq

World

Albert Chuck

July 20, 2014

Revealed: Tony Blair Says He is Real Caliph of Iraq

Former PM, Tony Blair revealed the sensational news today in an impromptu broadcast from Tikrit.

“I am the real Caliph of Iraq, these are my spoils of war, not this Baghdadi ponce,” Chief Al-bin Blair Caliph of Iraq and Kensington said in the broadcast.

The new Caliph has big plans for Iraq and the Middle East.

“Yes, well, you know, wherever I go there is peace and prosperity. That’s why I’m telling you people now, I’m the new Caliph in town, and you’d best be respecting me and my Caliphate or I’ll do even more damage then I’ve already done.”

Gazza Off to Gaza in Peace Deal Bid

World

Albert Chuck

July 20, 2014

“I’m takin’ me fishing rod, a few cans of brew and a blanket,” Gazza told Mecclesworth local news.

The former footballer, is said to have aligned himself as a peace envoy and he is adamant that he can make a difference.

“Five bellies is coming with me, we’re going to parachute down to the Gaza strip and save the universe, jibber, jabber, bladadadada eaargh, tik tik tikko!”

The Home Office stepped in today telling Gazza to stay put in Britain and not try any nonsense.

“I think Gazza needs to sit tight in his one bed flat drinking tinnies and wearing his nappies. Going to Gaza would be a death sentence for the poor chap, almost like living in Grimsby or some other Northern toilet,” Edgar Hound, a spokesman for the Home Office told the BBC.

Putin Almost Indecisive as Obama Say Experts

World

Albert Chuck

July 20, 2014

Putin Almost Indecisive as Obama Say Experts

“Just invade already, we know you want to, what’s keeping you Mr Putin? Next you’re going to tell us you want multi million dollar holidays every few months and to play golf all the frickin’ time,” professor of political science, Ian Nesbit from Chickataw University in Washington told Reuters.

“It is plain to see the MH17 shooting is being used as a pawn and a tool in a dirty propaganda war by the West, as the hypocritical Western powers are using the sordid death of civilians to solidify negative press on Russia.

“You don’t fly passenger jets over war zones period, secondly, someone gave the order to the pilot to divert course over the war zone, whoever that person or entity was is the real murderer,” the professor added.

“Unfortunately, for Uncle Vlad, he is now caught between a rock and a hard place, with the media calling him a ‘baby killer’ but he must consider this fact, the hypocritical Western hierarchy do not actually care about civilian lives, to them a few hundred civilians on a plane could easily be a bunch of fruit flies. The elite controllers do not see human civilians as anything but little pieces of software or tax fodder so they can live their privileged expense account lifestyles.

“Again, like 911, who benefited from MH17? Cui bono? Not Putin.

“The West has been poking the bear with a stick for a while now, firstly it is the West that provoked Putin by meddling in Ukraine right on Russia’s doorstep, this resulted in Russia invading Crimea. The sanctions are further provocations angering the bear further. By backing Putin into a corner, he is an angry bear and he will conduct a full scale invasion soon enough. This is what the West wants.”

Meanwhile if anyone has any sense, they won’t be boarding a plane that starts with the letters MH any time soon.

Baphomet: “Obama My Son You’re Doing a Great Job”

World

Albert Chuck

July 16, 2014

Baphomet: “Obama My Son You’re Doing a Great Job”

Speaking from the underworld, the great horned one praised president Obama on a great job done so far as the president of the United States.

“I bet they did not realise that Change was going to be like this. Ahhh Barack you are doing very well. How you fooled those voters, over and over again. You still have two human years left to complete the tasks we agreed on. This is just the beginning but I can already see some results coming into fruition.

“As I look across this dark grey cavern, I see the future and I like it. You will receive great earthly rewards when the job is completed.

“Switch everything around, confuse, disperse, create chaos out of order, introduce multiple threats from all directions, deceive and lie, jeez, I get the giggles just thinking about it.

“I thought George and Tony were good, but you’re even better.

“The world is in turmoil and you have done well there, but you must complete the great work soon, only then will I reward you for your efforts. We have no need for America any more and that forsaken place is the beginning of our endeavours to conquer the earth completely. It seems like eternity but all this waiting may finally pay off soon, thanks to you.

“Just don’t forget the deal we made, you can’t get out of it now. Once you sign on the dotted line, that’s it. Hargh! Hargh! Haaaargh!”

Women Bishops Get Go Ahead

World

Albert Chuck

July 15, 2014

The Church of England is desperate to increase numbers in the pews, therefore they have adjusted the age old priesthood practices for a very good reason by introducing women Bishops.

Caught in a rut for hundreds of years, the age old Synod has finally capitulated to the female spirit.

“There’s only so much buggery that can go on. The church needs to understand that women exist, and it’s not all boys, boys, boys,” Arch Deacon of the Tessilwaithe diocese told the Church Times.

In Dudlington, a sign has already gone up outside the local cathedral: “Looking for women Bishops. Must be a looker, no mingers please. By order of God!”

The Catholic church however has refused any such moves towards women, and have vowed to always continue doing what they do best.

Shia Labeouf Joins Shia Militia in Iraq

Entertainment

Albert Chuck

July 15, 2014

“I needed something to do, you know like something real,” the former Hollywood ‘actor’ said from Baghdad International airport.

Shia is not sure which Shia brigade to join but he has devised a cunning plan.

“I’m gonna go into the Sunni triangle wearing a paper bag on my head with the words ‘Shia For Hire!’ and if that don’t do it nothing will. Gee, I’m so bored already no coke in this town and the chicks wear black cloths all over their heads.”

UPDATE Tuesday: Shia Labeouf has been captured by the Al-Nusra Nusradin Nusra Jihad Brigade in Western Baghdad and something gruesome will probably happen to him soon. No one really seems to care though.

Butler-Sloss: “No, I Don’t Look Like Savile”

World

Albert Chuck

July 14, 2014

Butler-Sloss: “No, I Don’t Look Like Savile”

“No, I don’t look like him. You are being ridiculous,” Baroness Sloss told the media on Monday.

One member of the public, Derrick Haldrin, 48, from Twickenham told the Mirror: “Whoever put her in charge of the abuse enquiry has got one sick sense of humour. She looks exactly like Savile. It’s like a slap in the face all over again.”

Looks like Britain is a nation being collectively traumatised all over again.

The Rise of Germany Can Never Be Stopped

World

Albert Chuck

July 11, 2014

The Rise of Germany Can Never Be Stopped

The Germans are an amazing resourceful people, through all adversity, struggle and toil, they always seem to come out on top.

In WW2 it took over five nations fighting them on all fronts five years to finally surrender, any other country would have crumbled in less than three months.

It is in this vain that the Germanic eagle rises over the EU as a strong leader, not only economically but its superior technical knowledge in all aspects of modern human existence trump anything or anyone in its path. The Germans are thus formidable foes as rulers of the largest and newest bloc of countries in human history, they are the Übermenschen who make things happen.

Does the current United Kingdom have a chance with such superiority? The answer is an emphatic, no. Britain is now a weakened carcass of a nation, not only weakened by unfettered mass immigration but by economic transience. The weak politicians in parliament are ditherers, castrated by their own feeble indecisive nature, they are powerless to the rise of a force so strong and concentrated that it has effectively disarmed nations in one fell swoop.

As time moves forward, the claws of the EU will sink deeper, they will seem to capitulate, to appease certain voices of dissent, but when these die down, the claws will pull their prey away from safety finally feasting on its conquest, devouring the last morsels of British dignity.

The future does not bode well for Britain, this former proud nation is now a shadow of its past glories. Britain’s olde enemies are now governing the country, and it will get worse, because once any foreign entity is allowed in, that’s it, over.

With the promise of economic bounty, jobs, and prosperity for the people, the Germans have reignited their fire especially on the football pitch and will win the World Cup, their EU empire is the greatest the world has seen, and the next fifty years will ensure the scientific technical dictatorial nature of their dream realised.

The German people did not suffer in vain during and after the two world wars, the prize of their supreme struggle was the EU, and in strength, a thousand years it shall reign over what was once Great Britain.