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Tony Blair: “No Matter How Many Times I Wash My Hands..”

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“No matter how many times I wash my hands daily I cannot seem to clean my hands. I have used pretty much every brand of soap from here to Kathmandu and still nothing works. Does anyone know of a soap manufacturer that makes proper soap any more?” a visibly angry Tony Blair said at a recent book signing event.

Mr Blair’s long suffering wife, Cherie, has also remarked about the ongoing soap problem.

“I can’t take it any more, which ever one of our mansions we go to, the stains are all over the walls, the carpets and bed sheets. The blood drips into your cornflakes in the morning, try putting sugar into your tea with blood dripping every where, we had the vicar around the other day. I keep telling Tony to wash his hands, he goes and does it then comes back even bloodier than before.”

If anyone has a solution to Mr Blair’s problem please send your answers  on a postcard to : Tony Blair Blood on Hands Problem Comp, P.O. Box 666, Money Street, WC1 D62 The person with the best idea will get a bar of soap and a smack across the chops.

Ebola Tombola Raffle Big Hit in Africa

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The Ebola Tombola event at Ngiru town was eventful this year with many participants getting winning tickets.

Big Prizes

“I bought a ticket last year and didn’t win a thing, but this year I got a big prize, it’s called Ebola. I don’t know what that is because I’m illiterate but the medics are treating me real nice,” Aguro Mbeki, 45, said from his hospital bed in Freetown.

1st Prize: Ebola

2nd Prize: Ebola

3rd Prize: Ebola

No Winning Ticket: Ebola

Everyone’s a Winner

Many Ebola Tombola raffle winners are ecstatic with their prizes as it livens up their otherwise dull lives.

“You know, it’s like Russian Roulette, it’s exciting, puts a zing in your step. This Ebola Tombola event has got the whole population excited, so we thought why not bring it to the rest of the world? You can play on aeroplanes, airports and even in the customs checkpoint at the venue of your choosing,” event organiser, Ongogo Mellalologoogoo, from Sierra Leon told the BBC.

Coming to a quaint cucumber sandwich munching English country fair near you, Ebola Tombola, be sure to buy your tickets soon before they all run out.

Experts: Why Islamic Militants Can Never Win Totally

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It’s called an air force, if you don’t have one you’re at the mercy of anyone who has one, and this is the main reason why Islamic militants can never win over nations that have an air force, or drone force.

The effectiveness of an air force can be seen in the Israeli Air Force (IAF) which recently flattened large portions of the Gaza strip.

Hamas may have had the bravado to go up against such a force, but they unleashed a torrent of smart missiles upon themselves and the poor civilians caught in the cross fire.

ISIS in Iraq are a similar story; they may be adept at land incursions but they do not have drones or aircraft, therefore they are impotent in the face of superior forces with air support. Naturally, as in Gaza there would be terrible civilian casualties, but if the civilians have not fled that area already then it’s a problem they will have to incur.

As ISIS moves towards Baghdad, the faltering U.S. president may have to act somewhere along the line, as much as it is against his grain to act decisively, his generals must be barking in his ear that the time to act is now.

The only thing stopping America is its balance sheet. Each missile fired costs over a quarter of a million dollars. With an economy near bankruptcy, can the U.S. afford to fire off millions of dollars they do not have?

Further variables exist with any air campaign, without ground forces present mapping out targets, the air force would be shooting blind. No doubt there must be some intelligence on Iraqi soil right now, but is it enough? All ISIS would have to do is dig in and wait for the air threat to subside before resuming operations.

Unless ISIS militants suddenly acquire F16s and Apache gunfighters, as well as read up a few manuals in a few hours, they would be sitting ducks to any air onslaught.

The decision is yours Mr. President.

Think Tank: If Governments Actually Cared Would Shut All Borders Immediately

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If globalisation means open borders, then be prepared to fight for you and your family’s life during an inevitable breakout of deadly viruses.

“Open borders means free movement of disease, viruses and also is an aid to mutation of different viral pathogens. Closed borders means protection of citizens during an outbreak,” a think tank from Britain has revealed in a new paper.

“By keeping borders open governments in the West are wilfully endangering their populations in the name of globalisation and this is why individuals who are aware of this must prepare themselves and not rely on governments in the event of an inevitable crisis.

africa

“In the event of a pandemic, there will not be much response from governments, who will only protect their hierarchy, therefore the ordinary citizen must ensure they have the necessary supplies to survive a prolonged period of pandemic in isolation.

“Supermarkets will be devoid of goods, banks will not dispense money and hospitals will be out of bounds. You must also assume that the water supply will not be working, as well as basic sanitation. To this end, it is imperative that you stockpile enough bottled water, or water purification filters for your family, at least a six month supply. Please do your own research with regards to ready meals and other supplies as this requirement should be tailored to your specific needs. You must assume that there will not be any television, internet or mobile phone access, therefore ensure your family have enough books, games and entertainment to keep busy.

“In addition to the food supplies, ensure you have hazmet suits, and necessary masks, sanitation equipment and first aid for the whole family.

“Security will be another serious issue which in Britain is a very hard thing to deal with. In the current climate in the UK, one can be arrested for using force against an assailant or intruder, therefore firearms as a form of defence are banned in Britain. Naturally, the criminals are armed to the teeth with illegal firearms and it will be hard to defend you and your family from the numerous criminals roaming and looting the country, while the police and armed forces will be told to stand by for self preservation.

india train

“The biggest killer of whole populations is the free passage of humans crossing borders, either through air travel or by any other means, and this is the clincher, because borders are not secured, disease and viral outbreaks coming from poorly sanitised parts of the globe will increase, as can be seen with the current Ebola spread. Globalists want an open border for a number of reasons, economic, destruction of nationalism, as well as free passage of viruses for population control.

“It is thus up to the responsible individual to find a safe haven for themselves and their loved ones, and to be prepared, because the government is not there to help you in a pandemic. Even if you are healthy, you will most probably be quarantined in a camp with other sick people. You must get away from all cities immediately if an outbreak occurs as cities are nothing more than holding prisons. They are easily sealed off by the military, and the people left to fend for themselves in anarchy and disease.

Swimmers in China

“The population of the globe as of 2012 stood at 7.046 billion. This number of humans is a catastrophe for the environment and finite resources, it is therefore safe to say that the earth can only sustain a human population of less than a billion humans. If the human race and earth’s resources are to survive, there will have to be controlled populations. With the advent of robotic and AI technology, there is no need for the low skilled worker any more, as well as other traditional professions.

“The human population crisis will be solved one way or another, as wars do not decimate enough, there may have to be controlled sterilisation programs as well as incentives not to breed, especially in Third World nations where mass breeding creates untold suffering and deprivation.

“Even in the West, it is only the poor populations that are breeding en masse, creating even more suffering and a terrible burden on governments, health care and tax payers. These people must be either forcibly sterilised, or given monetary incentives not to breed, as they are mostly uneducated leeches on public services, they should have no rights when it comes to adding to the gene pool.

“The post consumerist world will be one of efficiency and technology, this is the only way humanity can move forward to the next era, the new epoch. For the new, the old must be destroyed completely. This is why those who are prepared now, will benefit in the future, and those who do not prepare will not.”

Scotland: Freedom is Priceless

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England currently owns Scotland, it’s like an outpost, a place where the locals are placated with benefits and treats now and again, but the oil reserves are dwindling, and patience is thinning on both sides of the border.

There is no price on freedom, it is profoundly better to be wild, free and forge your own path than a slave to someone else’s economic and political system.

The degradation of the Scots is felt every day when they kowtow to their neighbours over pocket money.

“There you go, there’s your pocket money for the month you wretched Scotch bastard, now if you lower your head further we might give you an extra penny. Run along now to your dingy boozer where you can anaesthetise your cowardice, shame and remorse.”

Ah, let us have a TV debate with a failed traitorous Chancellor whose policies of economic destruction Britain is still recovering from.

Over history, Scotland has changed immeasurably, now it seems the populations are tamed, brainwashed into subservience, slaves to finance from other nations — a defeated people.

Just as England is controlled by Brussels, so too is Scotland by England in an increasingly globalised world to be controlled and dictated to by other nations or technocratic entities is a sign of defeat, of weakness. As the sordid Scots try to summon up an ounce of what they used to have, aye, give me a drop of fucking dignity, something the ancestors had in bucket loads, there is a faltering sigh of defeat from the once proud, wild Celts.

If you’re a Scot you have two choices, paint your face blue, wear your kilt and pick up your broadsword before running into battle and cleaving some unfortunate in half with one swipe, or there’s the alternative, stay at home, receive your benefits, have a drink and forget about it.

Actor Has Social Responsibility to Comment on News Incident

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“I feel it is my right to tell the world about things I have no knowledge or understanding about, I’m stuck so far up my own ass I don’t actually know or care what day it is today, but I have millions in my bank account because I was on a screen and paid a lot of money,” some actor said after commenting on an important news piece.

It is not only the need to comment on out of depth knowledgeable subjects that drives ignorant out of touch pampered celebrities, but the need to be recruited by charities or any other cause that is the flavour of the week.

“The world revolves around my head. Before I was famous I did not care about charities or big causes, because I was the big cause. Every ounce of my energy went into me making it. Now however I am known by all, and have lots of money I suddenly ‘care’ about putting my name in front of causes, charities and other self serving vehicles for my ego. Naturally I really don’t give a flying botulism needle about the people I am ‘saving’ by putting my face onto billboards or TV ads. They’re looking at me, not some starving kid in a country that does not even have a celebrity Scientology centre,” another screen star quipped from their private yacht.

5 Grotesque and Irresponsible African Bushmeat Feasts This Summer

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In Western and Central Africa, bushmeat consists of apes, bats, rodents, endangered species as well as in some areas of Africa even humans.

“The key to preparing bushmeat is to either consume the meat raw or to leave it out in the sun so that viral pathogens contained within the meat can ferment and breed. Remember that HIV originated from a similar virus in primates called simian immunodeficiency virus (SIV); researchers know that HIV initially jumped into humans after people in Africa came into contact with infected bush meat. We’re pioneers in AIDS. There are several distinct strains of HIV, indicating that this cross-species transfer has occurred several times. It’s not just the deadly Ebola virus which is acquired by eating and handling bushmeat but simian foamy virus, smallpox, chicken pox, tuberculosis, measles, rubella, yellow fever and yaws. This is why African cuisine is such a delicacy, and brings such goodness to the world. As high IQ Africans, we’re really proud of our bushmeat consumption and our dedication to world cuisine,” African bushmeat chef, Ombobo kolombo, said from his Sierra Leon, restaurant stall on Sunday.

bush meat

 

Bushmeat cuisine from Africa

 

1) Barbecue Apes – Apart from being hunted and eaten into extinction, Africans eat this meat either raw or barbecued. Leave the meat to fester in the sun so bacteria and HIV viruses can breed and spread with more efficiency.

 

2) Bats – Grilled or boiled in a horrible pungent soup where the viral pathogens can flourish. This West African delicacy is an Ebola lovers delight.

 

3) Cane Rat – The largest rats in Africa, these are consumed by the thousands daily and are a staple food in many African nations. Marinate with Ebola infected bats to make an even more delightful culinary creation.

 

4) Anything that moves in a jungle – Pretty much anything that moves in the bush, is eaten.

 

5) Humans – It goes without saying that cannibalism does still occur in Africa, because when there are no animals left to eat, then long pigs will suffice.

 

Lost Amazon Tribe Already Into Selfies

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Indigenous tribesmen living deep in the Amazon rainforest have emerged into the outside world and are already addicted to taking selfies and surfing social media sites, doctors treating the tribe revealed.

“They took to selfies like a duck takes to water. It was like from zero to ipad 3 in two seconds, never seen anything like it. Now they’re all on Facebook, Whatsup, blendr, drendr, doodledig, clapper, gonzo and buttcrackz,” Dr. Alonson Gomez, treating the tribes people told Brazilian news services.

The contact between the lost Amazon tribe took place in the Brazilian portion of the Amazon and was recorded in a video released on Friday. The tribesmen were already downloading apps after 15 minutes of walking into the clearing and meeting the group of doctors and anthropologists.

Intimate TSA Agents May Get Ebola First

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As the cocky TSA agent tells the man to bend over from West Africa and pats his crotch down, a bead of sweat falls onto his gloved hand. With a gestation period of 21 days little does the TSA agent know that when he has an itch in his eye three minutes later, he’s rubbing Ebola virus into his eye.

TSA agents are on the front line, fondling, stroking people’s private parts during invasive searches daily.

“It’s not just the TSA agents who are at risk, they don’t change their gloves after each invasive search, they use the same pair of gloves all day, therefore any viral pathogens present on a gloved hand stay there and are spread from person to person. One person can therefore infect thousands in a day,” Dr. Lucius Trimble, from the Washington Virus Research Institute told MSNBC.

 

Who Needs a Green Card Any More?

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“Green Card? It used to be a very tricky affair gaining U.S. citizenship, but now all you need is two feet, a bottle of water and a smile,” Rodriguez Martines, an HIV positive crack dealer from Guatemala City, now in New York, told the Herald Tribune.

And it’s not only from the Americas that they come, the Third World reaches out to the safe haven of North America, as millions travel daily for an easy passage to dream land.

“We travelled from Sierra Leone to Mexico, then we had a short bus ride to the U.S. border. We were greeted at the border with open arms, food, clothing and promise of free housing. Thank you America,” another Ebola infected traveller revealed from his hospital bed.

There are many positives to the huge border influx, as Green Card waiting lists have dropped, no one needs a Green Card or to go through the laborious outdated processes of immigration any more.

Xiang Xing Ming, 23, travelled to Mexico last week, today he is languishing in Los Angeles and having a great time working tax free in his uncle’s noodle business.

On Capitol Hill, Nancy Pelosi had a few perfunctory words to say about the open door policy: “We are urging anyone who wants to come here, to simply walk across the border. We have taxpayers here who are welcoming you with open arms, willing to give you anything you need. This is the land of opportunity, and we want you now, your children, your grandparents, aunts, uncles, we extend our hands to greet you. Welcome .”