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6 Ways to Get Around the Massive Rail Fare Rise

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Thanks to rail fares across Britain rising again by a massive percentage, here are six ways to get around the problem, especially if you are a season ticket holder.

Rip Off Britain

1) Quit your job. It’s not worth paying 75% of your annual salary getting to work and back. Instead, impregnate your wife or girlfriend once a year for the next ten years and you will get a guaranteed £4000 per month from the government in state benefits.

2) Get a high end copier and make exact replicas of your season ticket. Of course this is illegal so please do not do it.

3) Buy a car with the money for your season ticket, preferably with low petrol consumption. Where you will park it is another battle you will have to deal with as getting to work will be a traffic nightmare every day. If you work in London, you can park your vehicle outside the congestion zone and tube it.

4) Dodge the fare every day. If an inspector comes around jump off the train or lock yourself in the bogs citing chronic diarrhoea.

5) Become a train driver. This way you can get to work for free, and enjoy the perks of the job like sitting back in your chair and surfing the net on your ipad once the journey starts.

6) Get a job as a BBC executive or government minister. You will never have to commute on a train or pay for your travel ever again. It will be taxpayer funded taxis and chauffeur driven executive cars for you from now on.

Cameron Election Latest: We’re Not Going to War

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The 2015 General Election is almost upon us and it would be foolish to go to war now because that would mean Cameron would most probably be re-elected as prime minister.

“It doesn’t bear thinking about, you know going to war in the Middle East again and the country opting to re-elect me as it’s not the done thing to change leaders during a military campaign. I promise that I won’t send British troops to Iraq again for a cynical election victory,” David Cameron, assured voters today at an impromptu press conference.

An Englishman’s Home No Longer His Castle Says UK Law

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“Citizens who protect their families and homes when attacked by violent thugs who carry firearms and assorted weapons are prosecuted in Britain. If you defend yourself you can go to prison according to UK law, therefore it is advised to let your loved ones be injured or killed than to defend them, the current law stipulates.

“When heavily armed criminals enter your property and mean to do you or your family harm, you therefore have no recourse, apart from lying down and letting them get on with it. Criminals can get firearms for as little as £50 from the black market or local pub, but if a citizen owns a firearm to defend themselves, they’re looking at a minimum of five years in jail. If they use a weapon to defend themselves whilst under attack they would get a minimum of 10 years in jail depending on the damage meted out on the protected criminals.

“Britain has fallen prey to a legal policy that protects the rights of criminals and thugs more than the civilians who are daily under attack from gangs armed to the hilt. The effete British male is now no more than an ornament, or a mankini wearing moobed extra on the TOWIE set.”

The report went on to urge the government to allow citizens to own firearms and be free from prosecution when defending their loved ones or property from attack.

5 Different Ways Julian Assange Can Leave Ecuadorian Embassy

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Here are five novel ways Julian Assange can exit the Ecuador embassy in London, which is heavily guarded by British policemen.

1) At midnight Julian goes to the roof of the embassy where he enters a rocket. This high powered jet rocket propels him over the stratosphere and is an exact replica of an Intercontinental ballistic missile except for minor modifications and a human compartment. Once over the Ecuadorian jungle a parachute is deployed bringing Assange back to earth with a soft landing. A homing beacon will alert a rescue team which will arrive quickly before Assange is eaten by wild jungle animals.

2) In the last two years of incarceration Julian Assange may have been tunnelling under the embassy. If the Palestinians can do it in Gaza why not Assange? He has cutlery, maybe a spoon, and he could have been disposing of the soil by some ingenious plan like putting it in his pudding after meals or dropping it out the window onto a policeman’s head.

3) On the hour of his exit from the embassy, 10,000 exact replicas of Julian Assange turn up in the street. What are the cops going to do, arrest every single one of them?

4) Julian Assange gets a sex change on the NHS and becomes Julia Assange, therefore he/she is not liable for any trumped up charges as she is a different person to Julian Assange. This one could be painful for the poor fellow, especially if the meat and two veg have to go.

5) Julian Assange invents a teleport machine where his particles are transported to a remote location far away from the Ecuador embassy in London.

Science: Why Fooling Christians is So Easy

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Feeding the Gullible Christians Lies

“It’s not just their unquestionable belief and faith, which is irrational and a form of mental illness, but their brainwashing extends to spreading their belief system as far and wide as they can. Religion is also something that is compulsorily engrained in children from a young age, and is generational. Unquestioning belief in religion is also a great tool for making brainwashed devotees commit questionable acts of depravity,” Dr. Talafar Smith, revealed in a recent research paper entitled ‘Unquestioning Belief Control Systems and Lies’.

The 400 page research paper also details methods in which those who believe fairy tales without question are a benefit to society because they can be made to believe anything.

“If you can make people believe in fairy tales and myths, then you have them for life. It has been going on for thousands of years, and little by little the brainwashing may subside as some wake up from their stupor. Controlling elements need to be aware of this and adjust the scale of brainwashing to stop any other people becoming aware of the false belief in which have been indoctrinated.”

President Obama Detained in Ferguson Missouri

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“The president was touring the area when he went into a shop and did not pay for items he put in his pockets. President Obama is accustomed to not paying for anything on his rounds and thought nothing of it, as it is his usual practice. The Ferguson police force have stepped over the line here, and we’s gonna send in Michelle Obama to kick some cop azz,” White House press secretary, Sharonda Tanquilla, revealed Sunday.

A spokesman for the Ferguson police department made a statement firing back at the White House today: “Police officers apprehended a black male looting an area shop selling golf products. The suspect claimed to be the president of the United States. We are conducting further inquiries as the suspect also seemed to be in possession of fraudulent ID papers and will get back to you in due course. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Time to Forget: Future Humans Will Not Have Memory

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“We are seeing glimpses of what is to come with companies like Google, enforced by the EU, erasing history on the internet. In the future much of the past will be erased from all knowledge as humans will be wired into the hybrid hive mind of instant recall of facts, scientific as well as entertainment. The future internet will thus be one of total control, where the hive mind will only exist in the present.

“It serves no purpose for the drones to dwell on such curiosities as historical occurrences that reveal how people were treated over history. This only creates anger and resentment, it is better for the population to exist in a state of complete ignorance to the past.

“The ones who control all policy will most probably extend their censorship to past artistic works, poetry, literature, music, philosophy and political ideology. Simply speaking, the new order will need to be cleansed of anything that promotes free thought, introspection, cojutation. All it takes for prospective unrest is an idea, a spark, a belief, and this concept whatever it may be can spread like wildfire creating untold damage to the heavily controlled system.

“Religion falls under the strand of political ideology. In a one world system, there can only be one religion, and that will be the singular order, all other previous religions will be erased from the system completely, as will all other political ideologies. Within human existence, it is destructive to have more than one faction, it creates disharmony and conflict.

“Those in the future, will not know the past, those in the past will be dead, therefore one epoch dies and another arises. The children of the future will be so pliable, that they will be taught that snow is black and believe it without question. When referencing populations, we are disregarding the governing class, who will be aware of slightly more than the rest of the population.

“What is consciousness to many is sleep to others. And it is in this vain that memories will be wiped of the past, as the digital history books will be erased from public consumption. Generations that pass, are always good erasers, but generations are also good formers, this way new ideas and techniques can be introduced and carried on, the brainwashing continuing in perpetual exponential momentum, clinically forming public consciousness through the use of technique.

“The digital world is one of copy and paste, one of instantaneous deletion, and creation at the speed of light. You will not be aware, and you will not be an individual, as the maelstrom of collective control sweeps across the big brain, as you read this now, you will not realise that as part of the herd, you are being shepherded every single day of your existence from birth to death, and to that end you are not in control of your original human essence any more, your first thoughts as a child lost their initial innocent purity and were formed by others, and as an adult, there are many layers of washing through your behavioural cognitive world view. The internet serves this purpose very well, as it remodels world views in a single digital sweep.

“Thus in conclusion, memory of past history is the enemy that could destroy the next era to come, it will be erased completely, lobotomised, so that the remaining humans do not repeat the same transgressions of the past. The saying goes ‘those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it’ well that quote will not apply to the future, because the past will be digital and that can be erased with one press of a button.”

Obama: Cops Need to be Disarmed No More Guns

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President Obama has made another anti-gun speech from Martha’s Vineyard where he is having an extended vacation.

“Guns kill people. This is why I want U.S police forces to be disarmed effective from January 2015. In the light of some cops shooting unarmed innocent children, especially the African American ones, all precincts across the United States will be told to hand in their weapons. Instead of deadly force, police forces will be told to utilise talking down techniques or reasonable force by using truncheons and their bare hands to make arrests. We must look to Great Britain, where the police are very effective in their jobs without guns. The UK model of no deadly arrest is what I am seeking for the U.S. God bless America.”

The peaceful president is also seeking to disarm U.S. military forces in 2015 citing that wars are not a good enough reason to carry guns.

“I have my deputies, Feinstein and Holder, as well as the media networks working on disarming the U.S. Military and police force. If we put our guns down, then the criminals and armies who want to make war on us will put their guns down too. Here’s to a peaceful world unarmed and less dangerous to live in. For the sake of our children, and our children’s children, no more black thugs will be shot, no more shoplifters, looters, robbers and crazed drug gang dealers. We need to love crime, only by loving criminals and invading armies, will my plan work.”

ACTION POINTS 2015:

1) Disarm all police forces in America

2) Disarm all U.S. Army/Navy/Air Force

3) All other agencies will be told to disarm including Homeland Security.

4) Education programs rolled out across world for mass disarmament, including Middle East and Russia

5) Open U.S. borders from all areas and amnesty for all illegal aliens and terrorists

6) All prisons across the U.S. to open their doors for prison amnesty on Freedom Day

Ferguson Riots: EBT Plantation Workers Restless

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The Ferguson riots in Missouri have taken their toll on the plantation owners and responsible employees.

“We’s got the ‘young people’ working the EBT fields, and still they keep saying gibbs me mo dat. They be pickin’ EBT all day and night, but there’s some unrest in the plantation fields and the massa got to get the county sheriff onto this one. Sometimes theys gotta shoot one yes, he was going for the foreman, so theys shot that ‘young people’ fella, otherwise he would have hurts the foreman. Nuttin’ seems to placate the EBT plantation workers any mo, free money, Obamaphones, free Obamacare, free housing? Shiiet, dunno any mo?” Larcenus Ojay, the house boy of the plantation master’s household told local Missouri news services.

Scotland Referendum: Salmond Reveals Plan B

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“I am about to reveal my Plan B for Scotland. Please sit down as this may be too much for you, if you are standing, you may need to hold onto something else. Okay, here goes. Ready? Plan A, and Plan B, is that I’m a plant. Yes, you heard that right, I am here to botch up an opportunity for Scottish Independence, and the few people who are following me are too stupid to realise it. I have been sworn in as someone who will ensure that Scotland stays in Britain, but I was told to make it look realistic. As anyone who knows how things really work, you may have noticed what I am doing, but the majority have no clue. I will get a special hand shake at the end of the referendum, and possibly a nice little monetary package for a job well done. Anyways me scunners, it’s back to work to convince more people to stay in the Union, shhh, hush hush,” SNP leader, Alex Salmond told a group of Yes No Maybe voters on Sunday.

Looks like it really is Plan B for the Scotland Referendum…or maybe just a dress rehearsal for the UK EU Referendum which will probably never take place.