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British Bake Off World War III Latest News

Don Schutte
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British Bake Off World War III Latest News

 

 

Here’s the latest news of the British Bake Off Bin gate saga gripping the nation.

Some bearded pansy twat had a tantrum on television over an ice cream in a bucket that he threw in a bin.

The British Bake Off episode resulted in 562 complaints to the BBC and outrage across the whole of the UK.

“Forget about Russia invading Ukraine, I was glued to my telly at the bin gate fiasco,” John Armitage, 45, from Little Chepstow told the BBC.

All across Britain, there was not even a mention of World War III starting, it was all talk about the British Bake Off.

EU Ban on Powerful Vacuum Cleaners Impacting on Perverts

Don Schutte
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EU Ban on Powerful Vacuum Cleaners Impacting on Perverts

Full scale riots and protests have erupted in some department stores over the new EU ban on powerful vacuum cleaners, the BBC reports.

A man who wished to remain anonymous but was filmed rioting in a BHS store in Leicester said: “We need these powerful vacuum cleaners. What business is it of the EU’s to restrict our enjoyment. The vacuum cleaners available now are just not up to the job.”

NHS staff were however said to be relieved by the new EU restrictions on vacuum cleaners.

“We get them in here regularly with vacuum cleaners stuck to their privates. It’s using up valuable NHS time and money trying to get these machines off their bodies,” one doctor revealed yesterday.

Meanwhile in Westminster, politicians were strangely quiet about the whole sordid affair.

Farewell Tax Disc Hello Big Brother

Don Schutte
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1
Farewell Tax Disc Hello Big Brother

 

Consider this fact that all it will take for the criminals to get around the new licence plate recognition cameras filming you every day is to find a car with the same colour, make, model as their car, and clone the number plate. Criminals have been doing it for years with penalty points and getting away with it quite successfully.

If you’re an Eastern European over here (70% of the population of Britain) simply drive a vehicle registered in some back alley in some former Soviet bloc shite hole. Anyone from the EU who lives and works in Britain is not bound by the same laws as the rest of us prisoners. Anyone who has a vehicle registered in the EU has carte Blanche to do as they please on Britain’s roads, speeding, parking wherever they want and not paying road tax.

Every journey you do from now on will be meticulously tracked by the plate recognition cameras, and this is obviously a little test for the future where British citizens will have to pay to drive by the mile.

Thanks to the EU, Britain’s tiny narrow roads are now so overcrowded with traffic from the rest of Europe that on a good day if you get to your destination in less than four hours even though it’s three miles away is a good day.

Out of all the taxes, road tax is pretty useless any way, once paid by the over burdened taxpayer, it is meant to be used on the roads to fix the pot holes and maybe maintain them a little. Instead, the money from your road tax is diverted to other governmental departments, you know like the surveillance department or Whitehall Christmas party planning budget. Who the fuck knows?

Nevermind, soon the roads will be filled with driverless cars with the rest of the rabble, so pay your road tax like a good chappie and keep biting your lip with your mouth firmly shut and your foot pressed hard on the accelerator peddle as you steam through another checkpoint.

New Celebrity Excrement Bucket Challenge Announced

Don Schutte
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New Celebrity Excrement Bucket Challenge Announced

The Ice Bucket Challenge has had serious coverage but now there’s a new challenge for true celebrities.

“Sometimes I don’t get enough coverage, I call in the paps when I go shopping at Whole Foods or to grab a coffee. It’s all part of the game of me, me, me. This ice bucket challenge was great though, I don’t even know why celebs were doing it but I got the call Monday to do it and called in my personal photographer, Larry,” some celebrity said on another celebrity news site.

But hold on for one second, here’s a new challenge for the real die hard celebrities. You want to go that extra mile for more attention this challenge will really separate the wheat from the chaff, or should we say chunks from the diarrhoea.

The Excrement Challenge is being rolled out all over the internet with celebs queuing to be nominated.

“I heard it’s for the Daily Squib newspaper, the Excrement Challenge is no pansy ice bucket challenge for wimps, this challenge is the real deal that will confirm my celebrity status forever and it’s for the Daily Squib charity, they need to be able to buy tea and biscuits in their office once in awhile,” a celebrity model who once appeared on Big Brother 23 told celebrity site Z17.

Nominations are cancelled for this challenge, all wonderfully useful celebrities are welcome, the more obscure you are the better because you will get more exposure. If you are top of the tabloid newsworthy table at the moment, you can increase your exposure even further and get more adulation that you crave so much. If you have the desire to be photographed every five minutes of your life, this will give you six minutes of total exposure on a constant cyclical basis.

Instructions

1) Get as many people that you know to crap in a bucket. Tramps, gardeners, PR people, agents, anyone

2) Top up with water or urine, add a little ice if you wish to make an extra statement

3) Make sure you contact all the photographers and paparazzi beforehand to announce the challenge

4) Pour that shit over your head and smile

5) Enjoy the extra attention you get, congratulate yourself, you deserve to be above the rest

6) Read the papers, watch the news, it’s all about you, you, you. Remember contributing to charity anonymously is for losers

Piers Morgan Off to Syria to Talk Down Brit Jihadis

Don Schutte
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Piers Morgan Off to Syria to Talk Down Brit Jihadis

“Forget the celebrity bucket challenge, I’m off to Syria to do something way more worthwhile. I will talk down any Jihadis from Britain or America into renouncing their ill fated Jihad fight. If everything goes well I should be back for Christmas,” an elated Piers Morgan said from his Beverly Hills apartment on Sunday.

The Piers Morgan show will be aired in September broadcast by the CNN network called the ‘Jihad Challenge’.

Millions of American viewers who have had to deal with Morgan’s smarmy self aggrandising irritating twaddle were in a cheery mood yesterday on hearing the news.

“Let’s hope he goes to Jihad land and doesn’t come back, at least in one piece. We’ve had enough of Moron. Please let him go on the Jihad Challenge,” a CNN viewer revealed on a message board.

Global Warming Activists Happy About Iceland Volcano Cooling

Don Schutte
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2
Global Warming Activists Happy About Iceland Volcano Cooling

Global warming activists were said to be in a joyous mood earlier today when reports came through that the Iceland volcano which is erupting will expel billions of tiny pieces of debris acting as shields reflecting the sun’s light away from earth meaning Britain’s winter temperatures could plunge to Arctic levels while summer will be devoid of sunshine.

“This is great news for global warming because instead we’ll get freezing Arctic weather in the UK, and it won’t be nice and warm and toasty,” Jemma Baxenfarqua, a keen global warming activist told the BBC.

Even chief global warmist Al Gore chimed in from his sprawling mansion in America: “Looks like you Brits will get some global cooling or should I say freezing. Don’t worry folks the amount of energy I use every year with my massive carbon emissions will mean I’m living it up while you guys get frozen to ice cubes. Oh did I not mention the Russkies? Well, last I heard they’re cutting off the gas to Europe. Here’s to your global cooling ass wipes.”

Squib staff were said to be emigrating to the Southern Hemisphere to write their articles. It seems Ebola is a better bet than seeing your testicles fall on the floor as icicles.

 

ISIS Display Their Newest Acquisition

Don Schutte
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ISIS Display Their Newest Acquisition

“We’re doubling our output after we bought one of these babies,” some black clad geezer with a Sarf London accent said in a new twitter video.

According to ISIS tweets, one of the boys was a bit miffed with the standard procedure using an old rusty butter knife mainly because it takes too long and is so messy.

“It was gettin’ a bit taxin’ innit. Me and my bruvs we was lookin’ at a ‘istory book and we saw da Frenchies used to use a thing called a guillotine. I said to me mates, ‘ere slap me on me loaf of bread this is far more efficient innit?” one guy said, sounding suspiciously like Ali G.

No Trial For Ferguson Hero Cop Darren Wilson

Don Schutte
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1
No Trial For Ferguson Hero Cop Darren Wilson

“The brave policeman, Darren Wilson, is a credit to hard working Americans everywhere, here is a man who went the extra mile to do his job, therefore in the light of his outstanding record there will be no media frenzy trial just to appease the lunatic fringe baying for cop blood,” an official said yesterday.

Well wishers have already raised $234,000 for the officer as he has been caught up in a terrible injustice just for doing his job.

The ill informed looters and rioters of Ferguson were egged on by democrat controlled networks with lies and half truths as well as people like Sharpton, Holder and Obama. For the low IQ uneducated easily controlled pawns participating in the Ferguson looting, they were simply showing the world what they’re made of.

Experts: Why ISIS Beheadings Criminalise All British Muslims

Don Schutte
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1

 

“The gruesome beheading of an American journalist by ISIS in Iraq by a British Muslim has further put the spotlight on all Muslims living in the UK. This act has solidified the urgency within Britain to crack down on all Islamic people in the UK. The most overtly religious section of this religion will now be pursued by the majority Christian population, as Muslims are already a pariah in the UK, it will only get worse.

“What the Islamic State has in effect done, is create an unbridled level of fear amongst the Western populations, and this will create many opportunities for respective governments to take away more freedoms from the general populace. Fear makes people accept ‘security’ however draconian it is. Fear also is a great opportunity to move towards military operations which would not have been considered before.

“One must also consider the position of ISIS’s creation, without funding and arms in Syria from US agencies in 2013, ISIS would not have been as strong as they are now, however with such organisations it is very hard to trace who is really controlling the show without access to intelligence and US black budgets.

“Porous borders in Europe and America are further enticements for Jihadists to exploit. Already, ISIS members are rumoured to be pouring across the open US borders and even liaising with Mexican cartels. President Obama’s amnesty on illegal immigrants is an open invitation for terrorists from all over the world to enter the United States with ease. The open borders in the UK are not only bringing in Ebola from Africa but returning British Muslims from Syria and Iraq. Add in the mix of staunch Islamists already in the UK and you have a devilish soup of potential religious violence.

“No doubt not all Muslims are jihadists bent on murder, however there may come a time soon when the English start rounding up everyone who is a Muslim and trucking them off to holding camps for processing, much like the Japanese were treated in WW2 America. Such is the mistrust within the indigenous population now that anyone who remotely looks like a Muslim is immediately treated with disdain and disgust.

“It is wholly apparent now that Islam is not compatible with the majority Christians in the West, as many have known this fact for centuries. Religion is a terrible divider of humans, and until this form of control is completely eradicated there will never be peace on earth.

“It is therefore advisable that those who wear Islamic garments in the West do so at their own peril. What are you advertising? It serves no purpose and you are merely putting your lives in danger. If a Muslim cannot stop advertising their all encompassing belief system, maybe it is better to go back to an Islamic nation where they will be accepted as opposed to being ostracised and persecuted.

“The actions of ISIS have thus endangered the lives of even moderate Muslims as all Islamic elements are now seen as a major threat to the Western way of life.”

‘Let’s Be Cops’ in Ferguson Missouri

Don Schutte
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‘Let’s Be Cops’ in Ferguson Missouri

Being a cop is a hard job, it’s all about dealing with angry civvies bent on giving you a beat down or taking your badge away with some mobile phone footage that snares you trying to do your job.

“It ain’t easy, especially when you got civil rights protesters armed with cell phones looking for the slightest infraction to whine about on the internet. You try arresting a six foot seven 240 pound drugged up shop lifter guy running towards you with the intent of pushing your eyeballs through the back of your head. If you shoot you’re damned, if you don’t shoot you’re hospitalised with permanent damage,” a cop said from his hospital bed in Ferguson, Missouri.

“Let’s Be Cops”

Being a cop is all that much harder when you’re a white cop in a predominantly African American area because if you shoot someone attacking you, there is an immediate response citing racism. If an African American cop shoots another African American that’s okay. You must of course forget the fact that 85% of inmates in U.S. jails are African Americans, or that the recent spate of ‘Knockout game’ participants are low IQ coward thugs sucker punching innocent citizens in the streets.

As for the U.S. media, you must also forget that the bias is in the favour of a certain section of the population mainly due to orders from Obama and his angry chip-on-the-shoulder cohort Eric Holder. All U.S. media reports on daily crimes in the thousands never report the race of the violent perpetrators of the various crimes for a very good reason, it would reveal some rather torrid truths that would not be favourable for the African Americans and socialist American media outlets.

Why would you want to be a cop in America when it has so many drawbacks?

A Fox movie executive summed it up in one paragraph: “It’s exciting being a cop. Hell, we made a teen movie about it and the premier showing is gonna be in Ferguson, Missouri. They need another movie about some idiot cop wannabees, so this is the time to release the movie. We’re using the tried and tested black and white cop plot to get around any charges of racism. I can’t wait to be at the premier myself, I’ll be in the armoured car wearing a bullet proof vest.”

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