17.7 C
London
Friday, January 16, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 409

The 2018 Cheltenham Festival: An Early Look At Some Of The Best Bets

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
The 2018 Cheltenham Festival: An Early Look At Some Of The Best Bets

March’s meeting signals the pinnacle of National Hunt racing as the best horses, jockeys and trainers head to Prestbury Park for the famous four-day event.

If nothing else, you can guarantee a dramatic week of intense racing action.

Check out our thoughts on a few of the most prestigious races at the Festival…

Supreme Novices Hurdle

Look no further than MENGLI KHAN here.

Gordon Elliott had a superb Festival in 2017 and he can get next year’s edition off to the perfect start with a winner in the first.

Having won his last three races relatively comfortably, Mengli Khan can add a Cheltenham win to his list in the coming months.

SAMCRO, also trained by Elliott, is likely to feature at the Festival but could be aimed at a
different race given Mengli Khan’s achievements thus far. Barring a major injury, he will be
very difficult to beat.

Arkle Chase

A wide-open affair. FOOTPAD has attracted plenty of betting attention in ante-post markets
and with good reason. He won convincingly over two miles, one furlong at Navan last time
out and has the quality to defeat his rivals here.

SCEAU ROYAL emerged victorious at the Henry VIII Novices’ Chase at Sandown this month and he may be the main danger.

 

NORTH HILL HARVEY, trained by Dan Skelton, is something of a course specialist and he
will relish any conditions. Come rain or shine, he will be there or thereabouts and this could
be the highlight of the first day’s racing.

Champion Hurdle

Doubts over FAUGHEEN’s presence in the race may tempt punters to look elsewhere in the
betting markets. If he runs, the Rich Ricci-owned superstar will be the one to beat – he was
dominant when winning at Punchestown on his comeback in November.

BUVEUR D’AIR will not relinquish his crown easily though; the defending champion will be in the mix.

DEFI DU SEUIL is an interesting candidate here. He was disappointing on his seasonal
debut at Ascot when odds-on but should bounce back. If targeted for this race, he could
feature prominently. Still a very cloudy race as we approach Christmas…

RSA Chase

PRESENTING PERCY won well at the 2017 Festival but has been a bit of a mixed bag in
recent months. He was impressive when winning at Fairyhouse at the start of December
though and should go close on that form. An 8/1 shot at the time of writing, he will feature in tips at Timeform in the coming months.

Meanwhile, this could be a target for DEATH DUTY. He was travelling nicely when unseating his rider in the Albert Bartlett Novices’ Hurdle earlier this year and could make up
for that mistake. A convincing winner in his last three races, he has proven himself in Grade One company and could be the one to beat.

Queen Mother Champion Chase

News of DOUVAN’s injury shocked the racing world earlier this month and MIN may fly the
flag for the Willie Mullins camp in this race. Yet to win a race at the Festival, the 2016
Supreme Novices’ runner-up has won three out of three since. He will be tough to stop if Mullins gets him to the peak of his powers.

 

ALTIOR will head the betting for this race – and it is easy to see why. Nicky Henderson has a real diamond on his hands and he could have the beating of Min again here. It is difficult to back against Altior given his achievements but Tingle Creek winner POLITOLOGUE must
be respected for Paul Nicholls.

JLT Novices Chase

DEATH DUTY features prominently in the betting for this race too – and Elliott may be
more inclined to target the JLT. But he may have to go up against the well-fancied

FINIAN’S OSCAR and that is no easy task. The Colin Tizzard-trained star missed the 2017 Festival but has won at Cheltenham before and should go close.

Another horse not getting as much respect as he maybe deserves is WILLOUGHBY COURT.

A convincing winner at Newbury last time out, he is a general 8/1 shot to win the JLT and it
wouldn’t be a huge surprise to see him claim a sixth successive victory at the Festival.

Ryanair Chase

One of the highlights of the Festival. UN DE SCEAUX will probably start as favourite but he
won’t be too far ahead of FOX NORTON in the betting. Both horses are capable of winning
at Grade One level and punters will be eagerly anticipating what could be a classic head to
head contest.

Outside of the top two, the enigmatic YORKHILL may go close if he is aimed at this race.
He is probably going to go elsewhere but should be respected. TOP NOTCH is another who
is likely to feature in a different race although it wouldn’t be a massive surprise if he gets an entry either…

Stayers Hurdle

NICHOLS CANYON was a superb winner of this race in 2017 and a second successive win
over the longer distance could be on the cards. Since winning the Stayers Hurdle, he has lost by a short head to rival UNOWHATIMEANHARRY and by nine lengths to the impressive
APPLE’S JADE last time out – both are near the top of the markets for this race.

Whilst the latter may be aimed at the Mares Hurdle, the former will almost certainly head to Cheltenham. He was a short-priced favourite for this year’s renewal but struggled to keep pace when the going got tough. Nichols Canyon isn’t invincible but he will take some
beating here as he is arguably the class horse in the field.

Cheltenham Gold Cup

After four days of fantastic racing action, it all boils down to this: the Gold Cup. One of the
most prestigious races in the industry, this is the one that everybody wants to win and 2017 winner SIZING JOHN will be the one to beat. He is one of the most exciting horses to watch on current form and should go close once again.

MIGHT BITE loves it around Cheltenham though and deserves his spot near the top of the
betting markets. Henderson believes that he is one of the most talented horses that he has
ever worked with and you’d have to make him right on talent alone. YORKHILL and Betfair
Chase winner BRISTOL DE MAI also deserve a hat tip in what could be a memorable race.

Theresa May Applauded by EU leaders Because She ‘made little effort bending over’, Jean-Claude Juncker Says Ahead of Deal

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
Theresa May Applauded by EU leaders Because She ‘made little effort bending over’, Jean-Claude Juncker Says Ahead of Deal

Theresa May was in Brussels on Thursday night for the start of a two-day European Council summit at which she was applauded by leaders of the other 27 member states for her speech over dinner where she outlined every detail of capitulating to the EU’s demands.

She told them that she wanted to approach the remaining stages of EU withdrawal with her usual stance of cowardice, weakness and surrender.

Mrs May insisted that she wanted to move onto the next phase of negotiations and approach it “with absolute disdain for Britain and the EU referendum result”.

She said: “A particular priority should be agreement on the two year implementation period so that we will not be allowed to make any trade deals with anyone, will still be ruled completely by Brussels and will still be paying  £395 million per week to Brussels in addition to the 100 Billion Euro ransom demand which I agreed to pay without even a fight.”

The Prime Minister said she “makes no secret of wanting to move on to the next phase of the soft-Brexit and to approaching it with utter surrender and cowardice”, adding: “I believe this is in the best interest of the UK, but then again I am a deluded old barren hag who is so naive that I agree to anything without question.

“A particular priority should be agreement on the two year implementation period so that cash cow Britain can get sucked dry of more cash that will go into the EU sinkhole.”

Too Easy

As he arrived for the second day of the summit, Jean-Claude Juncker, the jubilant European President, said:

“The second phase of rogering the British swine, and taking the clueless Mrs. May for a ride is considerably easier than the first, and the first was very easy. If I wanted to I could sell Mrs. May a pink elephant and she would agree to part with billions for it. She really is that naive.”

Donkey Britain Brexit
Theresa May’s Remainer Brexit Britain — Not even fit for the knackers yard

The Commission president said that EU leaders applauded Mrs May on Thursday “because some of us thought, including me, that the easy way she bent over the desk for all of us to take turns on her was unbridled. I mean it was like a scene from Hubert Selby, Jr.’s novel Last Exit to Brooklyn, that gritty.”

Mr Juncker said that the Withdrawal Agreement now needed to be formalised and placed before the European Parliament, adding:

“I withdrew, then the other chap, then the other chap. We were sated. The British are too easy to swing, their women looser than even the French.”

Asked whether he thought the UK may reverse its decision to leave, Mr Juncker said:

“That depends on the quislings in the British Parliament and the Marxist section of the British people. It’s not up to us to decide what the British people want, but our Project Fear campaigns have been very successful, and our spies in the British parliament who work with Remainer quisling MPs are always finding new ways to destroy any form of Brexit that was voted for on June 23, 2016.”

Stop Moaning Farage and Do Something About May’s Non Brexit

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
Stop Moaning Farage and Do Something About May’s Non Brexit

Nothing sickens the palate more than to see a seemingly eloquent politician moaning about something he has stood back from and watched from afar.

Cue, Nigel Farage, a man whose vision and sheer will power made the administration of former PM David Cameron agree to a Referendum on whether Britain should stay or leave the EU.

If it was not for Nigel Farage there would never have been a referendum, and never a vote to leave on June 23, 2016.

Unfortunately, the referendum was the beginning, yet, instead, Mr. Farage abandoned his party, and went on walkabout. Yes, he is an MEP, however he has not had an instrumental role in the Brexit since June 23, 2016, where it all ended for him.

Now that we have the massive capitulation to every Brussels demand by current Tory PM, Theresa May, who has effectively tied the UK to the EU until 2021, and beyond with the ECJ diktats. What is Farage doing?

Farage is still out of the loop and moaning about the terrible deal Theresa May has given, in which Remainers are jubilant about.

First off Mr. Farage, what the fuck did you expect? We have a Remainer PM, a Remainer Cabinet and a Remainer Chancellor. What the hell do you expect them to do? In no uncertain terms, it is only natural that they appease Brussels simply because they do not want a Brexit and never have. Where are you Mr. Farage? Where the fuck are you?

Talking on LBC? WHAT’S THAT GOING TO DO? You guessed it, absolutely nothing.

The only course we can see is that you come back to Blighty, either start a new party or re-join UKIP. That is the only way you can save Britain, and you better do it sharpish because things are getting worse and worse every day.

Because of Theresa May, the Tory party has failed Britain immensely and are stained beyond repair. Another party has to come and clean house.

So, Mr. Farage, undoubtedly you will never read this, but stop faffing around and watching the boat go by, because soon it will be too late for any action.

The next General Election will be held in 2020 or earlier, this will be the final say on Brexit, and the so-called Conservatives will lose at the rate they are going.

We are now on a war footing, this is war, this is combat, this is it..

DO IT! You must do this now because no one else will.

FAKE NEWS: Donald Trump Outraged at New Book That Reimagines Strange Historical Facts Through His Eyes

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
FAKE NEWS: Donald Trump Outraged at New Book That Reimagines Strange Historical Facts Through His Eyes

 

Writing on Twitter where the president reveals most of his enlightened brain farts, he declared the book – FAKE NEWS: Strange historical facts reimagined in the world of Donald Trump as a load of ‘Fake news worthy of CNN’.

The book written by up-and-coming author David Hutter includes some great stuff about Keef Richards, mad vikings, Gaius Caligula, King Pep II from 2284BC, and killer rabbits that chomp on fingers and other appendages that may be in the way.

Exploring the shallow depths of the president’s mind, this book will have you rolling along the floor swearing like some kind of obscene parrot at a Kim Jong Un celebration prior to an imminent nuclear attack on Washington D.C.

What else can we say, it is a thoroughly enjoyable read, and anyone who likes strange facts peppered here or there will assuredly be satisfied, much like Donald is when he releases his daily Twitter illumination.

Buy the book at a very reasonable price before Trump has the lot incinerated.

Daily Squib in Talks With Egyptian Courts to Release Singer Who Ate Banana

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
Daily Squib in Talks With Egyptian Courts to Release Singer Who Ate Banana

Shaimaa Ahmed, a 25-year-old known professionally as Shyma, was arrested last month after the video sparked outrage in the conservative country.

Daily Squib defence lawyers were flown out to Egypt Tuesday to file a petition in the court of appeal to save Shyma.

An official from the Egyptian court however has made a statement to local news that the Daily Squib cannot overrule any Egyptian court.

Fawaz Hussein, said: “We will not allow such intermediaries to come to our country to dissolve our strict Islamic laws. This woman was eating a banana on camera, and the way she did it is the result of her imprisonment.”

The Daily Squib’s message to you Shaimaa, in the name of art, what you did was perfectly fine. We will rescue you from jail. Please hang tight, and keep eating those bananas.

Russians Now Living in Extreme Poverty Levels

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
Russians Now Living in Extreme Poverty Levels

An average of 19.2 million Russians – or 13.4% of the population – were living last year on less than 9,452 roubles ($139) a month, the minimum subsistence level determined by the Russian government.

What has happened to Vladimir Putin’s dream of Russian economic prosperity? Instead of a rich upsurge, Mother Russia is suffering in a mire of extreme poverty where children go hungry and entire families live well below any subsistence level.

“I can eat one loaf of bread per week. In our neighbourhood the cats and dogs have gone missing, because meat is such a rarity. We may even start eating ourselves, just like the peasants did under Stalin’s purges,” Anatoly Kuznetsov, 45, an unemployed doctor from Tomsk, revealed.

Economic sanctions hit hard under the Obama administration, and further conflict in Syria and the Ukraine have diverted vast amounts of funds to military operations, rather than feeding the starving population.

With little or no jobs for most people, educated people are now starving amongst the uneducated, such is the feeling of despair in the former Soviet country.

Soviet

“In Soviet times, it was better because we queued for hours but there was usually some food guaranteed. Now, if you do not have the money, they don’t even look your way. You have to go hungry, your children starve, you are stuck in the hell that Putin has built for you. Yes, many love Putin, but all I see is hungry people who live in horrible grey blocks and have no hope,” Irina Mikhailov, 58, who works as a nurse at her local hospital in Norilsk.

Naturally, the propaganda which is devised for Western eyes only shows the rich parts of Russia, where wealth from criminal elements and Oligarchs reside.

 

With the upcoming World Cup in 2018, what sort of Russia will be viewed by the visiting masses from all over the world? They will most probably not see the real Russia, a crumbling wreck where many live and die in absolute poverty, forgotten by their government, instead only seeing a fake Russia of modernity and wealth.

Guy Verhofstadt, the European Parliament’s Brexit Coordinator Eats Cockroach On Live TV

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
Guy Verhofstadt, the European Parliament’s Brexit Coordinator Eats Cockroach On Live TV

“Monsieur Guy Verhofstadt was fuming at the British, calling them swine, this name and that name. From out of nowhere, some cockroaches, these were well seasoned ones – quite large – came up from under his desk and onto his quivering face. Some went onto his glasses, others burrowed into his ears, and from my count, he ate fourteen of them, crunching with gusto their hard shells. One of them was very large, and when he crunched down on it with his teeth, the insides oozed out over his chin. Guy Verhofstadt, simply slurped up the greenish slime with his long tongue, then continued on as if nothing happened,” Jean Gilles Punaise, a senior delegate for the EU’s transport commission in Strasbourg told news media after the talk.

Infestation

There has been talk about cockroach infestation in the EU parliament for some time, but it’s not just about unelected members of the EU Commission that are being referenced to, in fact, the little creatures infesting the parliament are quite hard to keep under control and are hardy little critters.

“Our EU pest control directive, number 2389-1a says that cockroaches are to be controlled in numbers but they have rights as well, under by-law EU directive 97345-123, cockroaches can only be squashed one by one, if squashed simultaneously in numbers more than one, this would violate EU directive 342775-1y, which stipulates it is an offence to squash more than one cockroach at the same time,” Chief of EU Cockroach Kontrollen, Yves Pierre Salope, told EU News on Tuesday.

#youtoo Sexual Harassment Hashtag Takes Over Twitter

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
#youtoo Sexual Harassment Hashtag Takes Over Twitter

 

“I asked for a woman’s phone number. It took me literally three weeks to get the courage to ask her. The next thing I know, I’ve lost my job, my wife left me, lost the home and now I’m sleeping in a cardboard box under a railway bridge, weeped one #youtoo man.

Another poor #youtoo fellow agreed with his newly found #youtoo friends.

“It was at the office party. I got drunk, accidentally tripped on the corner of a desk and my hand brushed the secretary’s blouse exposing her exposed breasts even further. Needless to say I was arrested for fondling her, put in jail and now have a 230 lbs monster as a cell mate.”

 

These sad stories of sorrow are from men who have been needlessly run out of town, wrongfully labelled as perverts and their lives ruined. This is why the #youtoo hashtag has caught on so much and is spreading across Twitter like a rabid urge in your loins when you see the woman you fancy bending over and cleaning the curtains.

Psychiatrist, Dr. Benjamin Fluegals, reveals that the #youtoo hashtag is perfectly normal, in an atmosphere of pure hatred for anything masculine.

“Men need to fuck. Men need to spread their seed. Men need to procreate. It’s like literally burned into the DNA of a man. There is nothing to be ashamed of, your penis needs to enter its home, you know where you came from in the first fucking place. This is a part of being human, and people should not make sex an act to be ashamed of, in fact, that goes against any form of biological programming. We are now in a climate where even asking a woman out on a date is considered as sexual harassment, and can ruin your life forever. This is wrong on many levels.”

Another #youtoo man revealed how he was run out of his job after he was caught looking at a female employee while she worked at her desk.

“I’m a lonely guy. I literally have dreams about her, and one day I looked at her whilst she was working on the computer, you know, the little things, the way she whisps her hair, the way her pert breasts jiggle when she types. She immediately noticed and reported me to the boss, who is also a woman, and I was fired the next day. They said I was giving her unwanted attention and that looking at her was sexual harassment. I now live on Skid Row after losing everything. I never could get another job because it went on my record that I was a pervert and not to be trusted.”

Close to suicide now after being charged on Twitter for sexual harassment, one #youtoo man gave a woman a sonnet copied from Shakespeare’s romantic tragedy, Romeo and Juliet. According to the woman she found the sonnet offensive and constituted it as sexual harassment. The man was detained, and put in a mental home where he nearly took his own life after losing his home, his dog, his cat and all his money.

Feminists Want ‘Phallic’ Christmas Trees Banned

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
Feminists Want ‘Phallic’ Christmas Trees Banned

 

“The decoration of the Christmas tree is a celebration of male fertility, and the Christmas tree represents an erect phallus being decorated. This sort of patriarchal nonsense is against women and feminism. We therefore want all Christmas trees to be banned as they are disgusting representations of men, and their supreme phallus. This is gross male domination pure and simple.” Angela Furqar, a representative of Feminist Supremacy Now told CNN.

Google, which panders to the extreme feminist agenda, are currently running information adverts on YouTube about how Christmas trees are an evil thing, and should all be shredded.

Missy Argina, a feminist spokesman for another group was outraged that her local supermarket had a Christmas tree in its entrance where thousands of people see it every day.

“You’ve got this big thing, this phallus, it is erect, it nearly reaches the ceiling, and it is an affront to all that is feminist. Why not have a decorated vagina instead? You see, how the patriarchy has infected every part of our society. All men are scum, and all Christmas trees should be burned and thrown into piles of smouldering garbage.”

The obelisk, which is now seen on many Christian churches and considered to be Christian in nature, was anything but Christian at their historical roots. In Old Testament times the obelisk was shown to be the center of Egyptian sun worship, such as mentioned as the “images of Bethshemesh”

The Christmas tree is an example of a pagan phallic symbol, which once represented fertility worship, now brought into the Christian home for reasons the people themselves don’t understand. They simply believe that they are continuing to carry on a cultural and religious tradition.

In the Babylon Mystery Religion, the true meaning of the obelisk is shown to be associated with sun worship. The ancients rejected the knowledge of the Creator of heaven and earth, and placed their confidence in the sun because, they believed, the sun gave life to plants and to all humanity. Along with this, they reasoned, life was produced through sexual union, so the [upright/erect] phallus became the symbol of life.

Triumphant Theresa May Delivers Non-Brexit

Kenneth Clarke
-
0
Triumphant Theresa May Delivers Non-Brexit

 

“Today, I spoke to EU leaders and they told me what to do and what to say to the British people. I have agreed to do as they told me, and I have also told the Cabinet, of which are 90% Remainers, that the Brexit that they dreamed about will now be a reality.”

Speaking to cheers and joyous applause from Remainers across the political spectrum, the PM resolutely vowed to take Britain into the EU with a Brexit that will keep the EU closer than ever before.

“In fact, Britain will not escape the EU’s tentacles until 2074, and I vow to be cryogenically frozen, and woken up in that year so that Britain can continue to stay in the EU for another number of decades.

Jean Claude Juncker, and his deputy, Donald Tusk all cheered the non-Brexit, and said that the people had all been fooled once again.

“It is a game. You say you want out, we say sure, then we take you around the Mulburry bush and bring you back to square one again until you give up. The plebiscite are all morons, they will not realise how we have fooled them, and this Mrs. May bitch, she played along like a chorus of violins at a funeral parlour,” Mr. Juncker added.

So, there it is folks, the Brexit you all asked for has been delivered by the great Mrs. May, just don’t look into the small print though, you may come away with a serious condition of fucking anger.

1...408409410...804Page 409 of 804
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.