17.7 C
London
Friday, January 16, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 408

5 Things That Definitely Won’t Happen in Football in 2018

Archibald Fenster
-
0
5 Things That Definitely Won’t Happen in Football in 2018

 

Well, yes.

Below we’re running through five things that definitely won’t be happening in English football in 2018.

Liverpool Won’t Win the League AGAIN

“This is our year… no, no, next year, next year is our year. I mean…”

Sorry, Reds: We don’t care how good Mo Salah is. You are not winning the Premier League title anytime soon. Indeed, the 30-year anniversary of your last league title is fast approaching. Maybe a commemorative shirt is in order?

Mourinho Won’t Be Happy

Bless him. How can someone who spent just £237 million on players in the space of 18 months be expected to win any major title?

His old nemesis, Pep Guardiola, is firing on all cylinders across the city, so it’s unsurprising that Mourinho isn’t happy at all. So much so, he is still living in a hotel despite being in Manchester for over a year.

For the first time in over 15 years and in his sixth role during that time, Mourinho isn’t going to win a league title in his first two years at a club. It was a remarkable record, but it’s coming to an end.

Maybe winning the Champions League could cheer up the Portuguese. Although United are a pretty lengthy 14/1 in football betting odds to do so.

England Won’t Win the World Cup

You know what: England’s team isn’t that bad, is it? We’ve got Harry Kane, one of the top strikers in the world. Then there’s Raheem Sterling in the form of his life at arguably the best team in the world right now, as well as other exciting young prospects like Dele Alli, John Stone and Jordan Pickford coming through the ranks.

Nevertheless, England aren’t going to win the 2018 World Cup in Russia. Don’t kid yourself – save the pain.

If you are a dreamer though, you can pick up odds of 7/1 of England winning the World Cup this year.

Wenger Won’t Leave Arsenal

One thing you can be sure of in 2018, is that regardless of how well Arsenal perform, Arsene Wenger will dig in his heels and not leave the Emirates.

Whether you are in the #wengerin or #wengerout camp, Wenger should undoubtedly go down as the greatest manager in Arsenal’s history. But will he risk that legacy by staying on for yet another season? You better believe it.

Messi Won’t Be Coming

For those of you who think Ronaldo is better than Messi purely because “he’s done it in the Premier League”, you are buffoons.

Lionel Messi is the greatest of all-time and a Barcelona legend. And no matter how many times he’s linked with a move to the Premier League – and especially a beautiful reunion with Pep Guardiola – it would simply be astonishing to see the little wizard leaving Barcelona now.

Hollywood Planning 498 New Superhero Movies in New Year

Archibald Fenster
-
0
Hollywood Planning 498 New Superhero Movies in New Year

Hollywood moguls are planning another onslaught of dumb American superhero movies for the new year it has been revealed.

“Just when you thought culture, or what’s left of it can’t get more fucking banal these money grabbing lazy assholes in the Hollywoodland movie biz are planning on hundreds more superhero movies, however, news is they’re running out of superheroes to make films of. We are now getting superhero films of superhero groups within superhero groups like mixing Batman with Superman and so on. It’s getting so tedious that people are getting genuinely pissed off about it. You seen the cinema attendance record lately?” Aldous Muxley, a cinema critic wrote in his latest newspaper article.

No More Creativity

Superheroes now come in all shapes, races, sexuality and sizes, some being conjured up according to whatever socialist agenda is the taste of the day. We witnessed the resurrection of Wonder Woman for the almighty feminist agenda, and the African Americans are to get their own black Panther superhero to sate the appetite of the angry disenfranchised black cinema going audiences..

What we need now is maybe a Sikh superhero or Chinese one, why do superheroes only have to be black or white, why not a lighter shade of brown or Oriental? Transexual lesbian Filipino superheroes from outer space with five milky breasts under each arm squirting universal teat juice into the eyes of criminals everywhere.

Alien superhero spawn that don’t even live on planet earth or care about it or look human, they’re just blobs, green fatty blobs that fly around splatting on the walls or messing up windows with their greasy jello skin?

Insect superheroes, or superhero penguins from Iceland could forge a good global warming warning for the millennial generation.

“We’re coming up with an Eskimo superhero called Igloo. He has shamanic powers and lives in an…igloo somewhere in the North Pole,” an elated executive of Warner Bros. recently revealed in Entertainment Weekly.

How about a Hollywood film that has no superheroes? Maybe something with a real plot, real fucking actors and a script that lasts more than the lifecycle of a bargain bin?

 

North Korean New Year Fireworks Celebration Goes Well

Archibald Fenster
-
0
North Korean New Year Fireworks Celebration Goes Well

Kim Jong-Un set up an amazing fireworks show for the people this new year with an amazing explosive extravaganza that wowed everyone.

The 200 megaton explosion flattened much of the capital city, Pyongyang, and spectators were in awe for approximately 2.3 seconds before being vapourised by the bomb.

Dropped directly onto the Juche Tower monument as fervent broadcast announcers ushered in the new year, the explosion was viewed from space by astronauts in the International Space Station.

“They’re having one hell of a new year in North Korea,” one astronaut quipped whilst sipping vodka from a bag.

Speaking on North Korean state television just before the detonation, Kim Jong-Un spoke utter gibberish and was sporting a floppy cowboy hat with a large peacock feather stuck on the top of it. Frothing at the mouth, he was speedily ushered into his private bunker by senior state officials and army personnel.

Unfortunately the radiation cloud created by the North Korean firework is drifting towards Japan, however scientists say that the Japanese are all irradiated anyway, therefore a little more won’t hurt.

On hearing of the firework, U.S President, Donald Trump said:

“I told that boy not to play with fireworks. Looks like he’s gone and nuked his own capital city. Dang, I wanted to do that, the SOB beat me to it.”

Why Are Remainers Given Such a Media Voice?

Archibald Fenster
-
0
Why Are Remainers Given Such a Media Voice?

At the moment, there is a vast media push where Remainers, or Remoaners are given a voice to downgrade Britain, to put forward their anti-Brexit agenda, and to derail any form of political progress with the current EU negotiations to leave.

This is a deep-state exit emergency where the media is being utilised to effectively sell Britain down the EU road. When you have councils given the go-ahead to increase tax by 40%, when you have the taxman punishing entrepeneurs who backed Brexit, when you have the media giving Remainers centre stage access to full-page articles to spread their pro-EU bias, you know for certain that this is another wave of attack on Brexit.

The concerted attack on leaving the EU is being conducted from within the British state, and is being directly advised from Brussels.

In days of past when people in government actually cared for Britain and its world-standing, Remainers would have been viewed as traitors or as conducting treason, however, because many have taken large pay-offs from Brussels, they no longer hold allegiance to the UK. It is purely a monetary issue for the Remainers, they are willing to betray their country for money.

For those of you who voted in good faith on June 23, 2016, to leave the EU, unfortunately, the people’s vote has been sidelined. The opinion of the people is of no value to the traitorous scum Remainers paid off by Brussels. These people are embedded in the highest echelons of all state departments, the media, and orchestrate their agenda with timed precision, backed by the government departments state.

Whitehall, intelligence, BBC, tax, foreign office, treasury, universities, home office, the media.

The people effectively have only one voice, that is the sound of their feet. Referendums do not work because they are counteracted by the controlling body after the vote.

Either there will be another concerted vote by the people (including the silent ones) in the next election, which is now possibly going to be delayed till 2022) that will usher in a true Brexit force, or we have the other option which is the ultimate solution — complete civil unrest.

Treachery is always eventually punished, especially on those who seek to rob the people. One can only hope for the glorious day when Remainers are given their just desserts for abandoning their country for payoffs from Brussels. These parasites should be given no mercy, their treachery consigned to the lamppost they swing from.

 

Novak Djokovic Set for Long-Awaited Return

Archibald Fenster
-
0
Novak Djokovic Set for Long-Awaited Return

 

He took five of the eight Grand Slams in those two seasons before injury started to catch up with him towards the end of 2016.

Djokovic has been rarely seen on the court ever since.

However, the Serbian star is set to make his comeback at the Mubadala World Tennis Championships, held in Abu Dhabi.

You can check out his thoughts on his comeback covered by the telegraph magazine.

The three-day tournament will be the first time that Djokovic has played since aggravating an elbow injury nearly five months ago.

 

Crucially, it will give the 12-time Grand Slam winner some much-needed court time before the Australian Open starts on 15th January.

It will be interesting to see how Djokovic copes with such a little amount of preparation before the event in Melbourne.

Bookies Convinced Djokovic Can Bounce Back

Djokovic is currently ranked as joint-favourite with Roger Federer at 3/1 (Ladbrokes) to win the Australian Open title. This places him just ahead of Rafael Nadal (7/2) and Andy Murray (7/1), who both have suffered injury problems of their own in recent years.

It will be fascinating to see if all four of these players, who have dominated men’s tennis over the last decade, are 100% fit. If so, fans are in for a treat in 2018’s first Grand Slam.

Punters could have a bit of conundrum when picking a winning bet for the Australian Open though, as injury lay-offs mean Djokovic and Murray will not be taking their usual places at the top of the seedings.

At the time of writing, Djokovic is seeded 12th and Murray 16th. This could lead to a potential clash with either Federer or Nadal in the quarter-finals or last 16. It also means there is a chance for a ‘dark horse’ player with big odds making their way to the final. Before betting, check out  http://www.freebets.co.uk/offers-and-promotions/ to see if you bag a free tennis bet for the tournament.

Time for Other Players to Step Up

Whether or not Djokovic returns with the same imperious form remains to be seen. However, there is still a chance for other players to really grab their opportunity at the top of the men’s game.

Despite brilliant form in 2017, Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal cannot go on at the top forever. The time seems ripe for a couple of new stars to start winning multiple Grand Slams.

One such candidate could be 20-year-old Alexander Zverev. He won two Masters titles in 2017 and qualified for the season-ending ATP World Tennis Finals in November.

The young German has bags of potential, but also respect for the brilliance of legends like Federer. You can read the young man’s thoughts on his future at the article about him made by the Independent Magazine.

Incidentally, Ladbrokes have priced him at 11/1 to win the Australian Open.  To do so, he may have to beat a certain Serbian tennis master along the way.

Corbyn Getting Ready to Be PM – Number 10 in New Year

Archibald Fenster
-
0
Corbyn Getting Ready to Be PM – Number 10 in New Year

We are ushered into the inner Sanctum of a Momentum squad building somewhere in deepest Islington, a place where the champagne flows deep and the socialism even deeper.

“Mind your step!” a woman in a Greenpeace jumper shouts, as our crew is pushed through narrow corridors going downwards into an inner sanctum that seems endless. The memorabilia on the walls is unmistakable, here we have old Soviet posters urging class struggle, and pictures of Lenin jumping over barricades, and Hezbollah masked men shooting at Jews. These are all recipes for a healthy revolution on a Downing Street that has been governed by the Tories for quite some time now, simply because Labour can’t be trusted with the purse strings after their massive spending spree under Blair and Brown. The country still has not recovered from Labour’s economic blitz on Britain’s coffers, but Corbyn and his crew want to make the ultimate grade this time around.

Suddenly out of nowhere, the bearded one appears, he stands under a single naked bulb swinging erratically. Looking like some sort of Vietcong General, Corbyn ushers us into a tiny room where wall charts plaster every surface.

“The plan is to get into Number 10 by any means possible. We utilise the young, the naive, the politically infantile who have not seen and experienced what a Labour government is. We will make every promise under the sun to these people and they, not knowing any better, will believe us. Once we are in power, we will spend until the coffers are empty, lose the next election to the Tories who will right the books again, then we will come back for more spending. You see the Tories do not spend, but we do.”

The Soviet technique of repetition is a well-known method in getting the message across, and this is a Labour favourite.

“Yes, repetition, repetition, repetition until the people cannot see anything else? Repeat a lie enough times, and it becomes a truth. This is our technique, and it is a truly tried and tested method that works on the people. The plebs, the people cannot be trusted, this is why it is up to the Politburo to dictate to them what has to be done, what has to be read, what tasks they must do to achieve our approval.”

What about Theresa May, who seems to be holding on to the reins of power with quite a tight grip?

“Her position is not assured. If there is another internal leadership squabble, we will go for a General Election call. Our teams up and down the country, our student faculties who all voted twice for me, we are organised, we are determined. You see these socks (pointing to red socks on slippers), these socks will assure me a Number 10 position because they are an assured symbol of my intention, and this is what people need. They want British Rail, they want British Gas, and they want a Royal Mail for the people, not for the companies. I want to travel British Rail and eat a soggy cheese and tomato British Rail fucking sandwich. This is what I want and this is what millions of people who will vote for me want. Get it?”

Suddenly, out of the darkness one of Momentum’s rottweiler feminazi mustachioed women comes up behind us, grabs us by the nape of our necks and drags us out through a back entrance. Time is up, and Corbyn has some important preparations to make.

Tech Experts: Internet 2.0 Transition Beginning Soon

Archibald Fenster
-
0
Tech Experts: Internet 2.0 Transition Beginning Soon

You will slowly notice that information that used to be accessible before will be either reduced or removed. The smart grid is changing, and now Google will be supreme master of everything without any competition ever again. Sanctioned by the government, information will slowly disappear without trace. Anything that is not sanctioned or created by government will disappear, never to be seen ever again. Anything that is not created by government will be deemed as fake and erased.

History, now all digital, will be easily changed, easily deleted if not useful to the agenda. You won’t notice it at first, but soon you may search for something and come up with something completely different to what you used to know was real, but in the future, you will not have any reference point any more unless you have the original books, just the answer they serve up to you. Snow is black they will say, and without any reference or detail, the future brainwashed individual will believe it without question.

The Smart Grid, the Internet of Everything will listen to your every conversation, tracks your every move, checks your every motive, and predicts your next move.

Once the cashless grid is brought into fruition, the shutting down of complete human freedom will be possible. It will happen globally in one go, and you will not have a chance to survive or live without the cashless system.

Elements like Twitter and Facebook are already changing the way human’s think. Human mind processes and linguistics are being simplified, adapted into machine speak, and human behaviour is adapting to the creations these masters over you have created. You are part of the digital mind prison, an echo chamber where you are now completely at their control. To be without Twitter or Facebook now to you is impossible, and it is this thought that means you are now a controlled digital slave, a corporate digital monkey not worthy of being called human any more.

From the digital prison, the Hive Mind is born, and you can already see this in social networks like Twitter and Facebook, where news travels through the hive in concert to its deliverance by the controllers who released whatever it is into the grid. The controllers watch and see how the hive reacts to certain types of information in concert, this way they can be alerted of any danger to their person in real-time, and in predictive-mode.

You will no longer act as an individual, you will no longer have control over your own thoughts, and you will be asleep without noticing as news that is tailored for you is fed to you on a daily basis. The Internet of Things will listen to your every private conversation, your every private action will be logged, and the AI systems in place will monitor and react to your every thought.

Your eventual chipping and full integration into the Matrix Grid will be seemless, and painless because you have been honed, trained and conditioned to accept the grid without question already. There will be little or no resistance as you accept the chip into your brain matter which will fuse into each dendrite.

Will 2018 Be the Year You Stick to Your Healthy Resolution?

Archibald Fenster
-
0
Will 2018 Be the Year You Stick to Your Healthy Resolution?

And as you overindulge over the holidays this time out, you’re probably telling yourself that as soon as January hits you’ll get healthy. We’ve all been there.

Those grand plans of exercising every day and eating healthy food tend to start off so well. Some people even contemplate attempting “Dry January.”

But by the time February hits, the takeaway menus are back out and the gym membership has been swept under a carpet somewhere.

So how can you make a real go of the fitness and dieting in 2018? Check out this guide for some easy tips.

Start Getting Creative in the Kitchen

Healthy eating and enjoyable eating aren’t often thought about in the same sentence.

Or at least that’s the case for people who haven’t managed to step onto and keep hold of the fitness ladder for more than a few months.

Those who do live a healthy lifestyle and eat the right foods day in, day out, will tell you that these dishes have become their comfort foods and they get real pleasure from eating them.

In 2018, there’s no need to say goodbye to the comfort foods that you loved in 2017. According to Deliveroo’s list of popular foods for the soul, American classics like burgers and fries are the most comforting.

These aren’t ideal for your new regime, but there are ways of still enjoying them by using fresh and lean ingredients. You could easily make these foods at home.

For the burgers, grind up some meat with a minimal fat content and season it to your liking before shaping it into patties and grilling it.

Top with fresh lettuce, tomatoes, and goats’ cheese for a healthy burger. When making the fries, chop up some sweet potatoes and cook them in olive oil.

There you have it; some junk food classics revamped for your new way of life.

Get Some Fitness Equipment at Home

 

Many people fork out on gym memberships in January and, when the motivation diminishes a few months later, they fail to get their money’s worth.

For some, just biting the bullet and going to the gym on a daily basis is the major stumbling block, and if they were there they would find it easy to get into the zone.

So how about bringing the gym to you? The price that some fitness centres charge these days is a small fortune, so using that money to buy fitness equipment for your own home could be a logical alternative.

Seeing the treadmill or rowing machine will remind you to work out, and you could even do it while watching your favourite shows on TV.

Another added bonus is the fact that you won’t have to share the space with all the self-obsessed selfie-takers usually found in gyms.

Getting into shape this New Year will take some motivation, but if you get into good habits at home then it will be easier to maintain.

And also, if you fork out money on gym equipment you don’t want it to end up gathering dust.

We Forgot About the New Star Wars Film

Archibald Fenster
-
0
We Forgot About the New Star Wars Film

Oh yeah, there is a new Star Wars film doing the rounds, but it is so crap and unmemorable that we actually forgot to write up a review of it.

The film is a mismatch of different scenes plonked onto one stale piece of moribund shit, that is frankly a disservice to any Star Wars fan, or anyone who watches any type of film for that matter. The funny thing is it’s not a film because it does not really have a storyline or plot but sort of meanders along with little battle scenes plonked in every few minutes.

Snoke, a deadly Sith lord, who is supposed to be very powerful, is chopped in half by a wayward lightsaber accident within the first few minutes of encountering him. Such a terrible waste, not only of Siths but of action scenes. Obviously the film-makers were way too lazy to bother having a full-on fight with a Sith lord, instead he gets chopped in half like some pathetic piece of mutton in a Halal butcher’s shop down in Leytonstone on a Saturday afternoon.

The rest of the film is too stupid and boring to even mention. Luke Skywalker is a miserable old fart who is found on a Scottish island milking odd prosthetic plastic creatures’ fleshy teats and fishing with a long pole. Finn is the token black bloke in space who always looks surprised  and sweaty in a space suit. Princess Leia, in reality was so coked up on drugs she did not know where the fuck she was, and this showed in the film as she stumbles from one scene to another looking like a Hollywood botox casualty on multiple lines snorted from the star ship’s dashboard. The female heroine of the film, has her hair pulled so far back on her head that she resembles a Croydon chavette in space. The only thing missing is a pair of hoop earrings, a crying baby and a fucking tracksuit.

Kylo Ren, or whatever his name is as well as his sidekick are spoiled little brats having tantrums in space. It’s one tantrum after another, as they fling pieces of lego around the set.

The finale, with a teleported astral vision of Luke doing a walkabout is the only bit worthy of the whole film. That is it. The rest of it is absolute bollocks. Oh, one last mention, the crimson red background and Elite Praetorian Samurai-esque guards for Snoke were pretty cool..that’s it though..

Star Wars used to be something special. Those days are all gone. Now it is something resembling Harry Potter or some other cutesy Hollywood crud that is simply a vehicle for some new director to establish himself in the biz. The formulaic nature of the new Star Wars films skimps on introducing new characters, new innovations and new story lines instead delving into a tired old soap opera consisting of just a few mediocre characters following each other around in space in an endless circle.

It is probably too late but if you are going to see this film, do not pay for it, because this would encourage more of its ilk to be made. Simply go onto the many streaming services on the net and watch it for free in full HD.

 

May’s FAKE BREXIT: Mass Civil Unrest and Anarchy on the Streets of Britain

Archibald Fenster
-
0
May’s FAKE BREXIT: Mass Civil Unrest and Anarchy on the Streets of Britain

Amongst the squabbling caterwauling ingrates of parliament, the treasonous swine Remoaning shit barnacles, and the ever appeasing Remoaner Theresa May — if there is no real Brexit, then the people will simply take the quarrel to the streets with a little bit of required civil unrest, and all that sort of stuff.

“It will make the Poll Tax riots look like an evening tea party at the vicarage. We’re talking every town, every city in Britain burning from the inside out.

“We’re talking Remoaners being lynched on lamp posts, burned in their cars, beaten to death by mobs of angered citizens who have just about had enough.

As for the duration of the riots?

“We’re talking ten to thirty years of civil unrest, in which anarchy, chaos and mayhem will rule,” a real Brexiteer revealed today whilst reminiscing on the past year of absolute nonsense from the Cabinet.

How much more delay can the people take?

They want out of the ECJ, out of the single market, and to take complete charge of the borders. That is not too much to ask is it?

Yet, we are now saddled with Alignment, with Interim Periods, with ECJ diktats ongoing, with delay after delay and a 100 Billion euro fine to be paid because our numpty PM, Theresa May who could not bargain her way out of a paper bag, has gone and messed everything up.

Here is a woman with absolutely no authority over anyone, let alone her own party, which seems to be overrun by snivelling Marxist EU robots intent on keeping Britain inside the dysfunctional crumbling EU.

Over 100,000 people have signed a petition to Leave the EU Immediately. There is no doubt that even after acquiring over 100,000 signatures, it is guaranteed that this petition and its contents will be swept under a convenient rug somewhere never to be heard of ever again. Unfortunately, this is the very reason that direct action is the only solution.

The Government should walk away from the Article 50 negotiations and leave the EU immediately with no deal. The EU looks set to offer us a punishment deal out of spite. Why wait another 18 months when we could leave right away and fully take back control of our country, lawmaking powers and borders?

Riots, Looting, Anarchy and Chaos

Let us examine for one second how the riots would kick off, there would be sporadic clashes here or there, maybe Nottingham, maybe some in the Midlands, then further South, towards Devon, then North up Manchester and Liverpool way, then London. The police will stand down, simply because they have had their resources scuppered by Theresa May. They don’t want to get hurt for no pay. Who does?

The anger built up by over years of dilly dallying over Brexit is already reaching a crescendo, but what will tip the scale into rioting is the major capitulation to Brussels by Theresa May and her Remoaner Chancellor, Philip Hammond, who are engineering a sneaky weak Brexit which will keep Britain in the EU forever.

Civil War

The last English Civil War, 1642-1651, was fought mainly over religious grounds, and it seems the Catholic EU and Protestant English Brexiteers are not all too different from their ancestors in their hatred of each other.

The next English Civil War, might not even be remembered…especially if it’s the last…

1...407408409...804Page 408 of 804
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.