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Confused Transgender Keeps Changing Gender Every Six Weeks

The Ed
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Confused Transgender Keeps Changing Gender Every Six Weeks

Alfie Brundlebread, 45, from East Grinstead, West Sussex, was born originally as a male, but has now changed their gender 148 times since their first transition. The toll of the multiple surgical changes to his/her/their body has unfortunately caused some problems for them.

“This week we/they/our identify as a woman called Alison, but things can change at any moment and I may have to stick on a prosthetic cock and balls next week because I have a vagina and large pair of breasts right now. Yes, the surgery can be painful, but I can’t help it.”

It’s a Monday morning, and Alison is getting ready to play five-a-side football with their local women’s team.

“We/they/us can score about 15 goals per half simply because of our/their superior skeletal and muscular structure. We/they also have infinitely more power in our/their muscular legs, therefore we/they can kick much harder than the biologicals. That’s what we call women these days. The female goalie has no chance with one of our/their storming kicks at goal. Last week they knocked out the goalie. Poor bitch had to be stretchered off. No one can say anything though, it’s trans rights, innit.”

It was only a few weeks ago when Alison was Alfie.

transgender choice“Yeah, it’s on off, a few weeks here, maybe another few weeks there. They/me/we just have this urge to become third gender and me/we/they have to do it quickly. We even know all the surgeons at the hospital by first name as we/they/ze come in for another doctoring.”

Alison has also gender aligned itself/their/ze self with certain animals and inanimate objects, but de-transitions after a week or so after they/ze decide to change into something else.

“We can identify with ironing boards, chairs and animals like koala bears as well as donkeys or jellyfish. Sometimes me/we/they/them/us can align our gender identity to cars or baby seals. We can be Maseratis! Ook ook!” (Alison suddenly gets on all fours and starts to sniff an old woman’s rear whilst standing at the bus stop)

They/them/we lifts her left leg and urinates on the bus stop chair whilst making ook, ook noises.

It seems that Alison is gender aligning with some sort of animal, although it is not clear which species.

When asked by another person waiting at the bus stop, who she is, Alison can only roll around on the dirty pavement amongst the cigarette butts and spittle.

It’s just another day in cis-binary neutrois trans-land, where to question anything to do with it all is tantamount to committing the crime of murder and is thus punishable with serious jail time. Misgendering is now a crime that can ruin someone’s life, leaving the victim destitute.

Nothing to see here folks, everything is fine, please just move along will you.

Welcome to the Gates of Hell – Communist Shanghai Under Lockdown

The Ed
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Welcome to the Gates of Hell – Communist Shanghai Under Lockdown

The eerie sounds you hear walking under the concrete prisons that accommodate the people of Shanghai is a sound of despair, a loss of hope reminiscent of what one imagines blood-curdling screams of the damned to sound like at the gates of hell. This is China in the year 2022, where human beings are locked up in their millions and not allowed to venture out even for food.

Imagine being stuck in one of these pokey apartments on the thirtieth floor, you cannot get food, deliveries are cancelled, you are down to your last morsel and no one answers the phones anymore. If you step outside of your tiny apartment, you are immediately accosted by thugs wearing hazmat suits and thrown back into your barricaded home to face slow starvation. The brutal communist regime treats human beings like cattle, in fact worse than cattle.

Into this wild Abyss
The womb of Nature, and perhaps her grave
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless the Almighty Maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds,
Into this wild Abyss the wary Fiend
Stood on the brink of Hell and looked a while,
Pondering his voyage; for no narrow frith
He had to cross.

John Milton, Paradise Lost

The despair amongst the people of Shanghai is at such a level that many are simply choosing to jump from their apartments. The dull excruciating thuds can be heard all around emanating from the soulless concrete monstrosities built alongside each other. The screams of despair do not stop, they continue day and night, ignored, of course, by the robotic party officials who are too overwhelmed to even register what is going on.

This is the Malthusian nightmare all too evident in Shanghai today. Overpopulation only brings forth misery, suffering and despair. China is a prime example of the dangers of overpopulation, and one can only hope for a merciful reduction in their numbers. China not only pollutes its own country, but the entire earth.

In this time of insanity and global chaos, we can only watch from afar as those poor souls scream from their apartments, forgotten remnants of a Chinese state run exercise in brutality.

Meghan Markle Tries to Trademark Another English Word

The Ed
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Meghan Markle Tries to Trademark Another English Word

You don’t get more narcissistic and arrogant than Meghan Markle who tried to trademark the 400-year-old word ‘archetypes‘. After failing to do that,  the former royal is now trying to trademark another English word.

Anyone who uses the word ‘the’ from April 15th will have to pay royalties to Meghan’s Archehole foundation. Californian trademark specialists hired by Markle have already filed the necessary papers and the trademark will be legal soon.

“If anyone uses the word ‘the’ without paying Meghan Markle, they will be in breach of trademark and could incur fines of $50,000 or more. You can register to use that word by signing up to Archehole’s trademark subscription service,” Meghan’s lawyer, Arturo Jimenez told ABC News on Wednesday.

For 5 uses of the word ‘the’ subscribers will have to pay $250

15 uses of ‘the’ per month will cost $560

50 uses of the word ‘the’ will cost $1,300 per month

By donating $3,000,000 to the Archehole foundation, users of the word ‘the’ will be given unlimited usage rights every 6 months before charges are renewed.

There is, however, another English word that Meghan Markle can specifically trademark for herself. Can you guess what it is? C_nt

Russian Delusional Denials Reminiscent of Iraq’s Baghdad Bob

The Ed
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Russian Delusional Denials Reminiscent of Iraq’s Baghdad Bob

According to the deluded genocidal Russians, there have been no massacres of civilians in Ukraine. No, there was no massacre of Ukrainian civilians in Bucha, it was the Ukrainians who massacred their own civilians and placed them on the roads after the Russian invading forces left. Satellite information however refutes the delusional Russian denials with evidence revealing the bodies were present while Russians were in the area at the time. Baghdad Bob, the errant Iraqi Information Minister, would have been proud of the levels of delusion and blatant lies the Russians are spewing from their butcher’s mouths.

Baghdad Bob was funny — the Russians are not

Every piece of war crime evidence perpetrated upon the Ukrainian civilians is thus nonchalantly dismissed by the Russian propaganda machine, instead blaming Ukrainians for inflicting harm on their own people. Not one single Ukrainian death or injury is attributed to Russian forces by the clinically deluded, lying Russian officials.

Deny everything, despite conclusive evidence being reported by multiple sources contrary to your protestations of complete innocence. Keep on repeating the delusional lies ad infinitum until even the lies appear to be the truth. Something even Josef Goebbels would have also been proud of, along with the comedic Baghdad Bob.

At least Baghdad Bob was funny though. In stark contrast, the Russian officials peddling their deluded lies are miserable nasty creatures devoid of any form of humanity, decency, compassion or honesty. Putin will forever be known as a brutal, savage murderer of innocents…a genocidal maniac, a cold-blooded killer.

Ukraine Appeal: 100,000 Orphaned Children Stuck in War Zone PLEASE HELP

The Ed
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Ukraine Appeal: 100,000 Orphaned Children Stuck in War Zone PLEASE HELP

This is an appeal to all our readers and anyone else who sees this article. It is a plea for help to rescue 100,000 orphaned children who are stuck in 600 orphanages across War torn Ukraine.

Many of the children are now fending for themselves, with older kids looking after the younger ones as it has been reported that some adult carers have returned home to look after their own families.

With food running out and bombed infrastructure, it is not known if the children will have electricity or water for much longer.

One can only imagine the terror of seeing and hearing Russian artillery and missiles exploding around you, and the constant threat of dying so young.

Please help by donating some money to UK charity Hope and Homes For Children. Run by Mark Waddington, they need your help to get the orphaned children to safety now. They are also releasing the coordinates of the orphanages to the UN, who have people on the ground in Ukraine.

PLEASE DONATE NOW TO HELP THE CHILDREN OF UKRAINE RIGHT NOW WHO ARE BEING BOMBED INDISCRIMINATELY BY THE RUSSIANS

Click the link below to donate now.

www.hopeandhomes.org

  • Despite being public buildings, Ukraine’s 700 orphanages are being targeted by shells, missiles and illegal cluster bombs (including one orphanage in Vorzel, where 50 children narrowly survived).
  • Many of Ukraine’s 60,000 orphanage staff have fled to be with their own families – leaving thousands of children (including 50,000 disabled children) to fend for themselves.
  • In the coming days, we predict many orphanages will totally run out of food, water and medicine.
  • 100,000 children have been left behind in the firing line. They have no voice, and there’s no plan to rescue them or keep them safe.

Today, Hope and Homes for Children (HHC) launched an emergency appeal for children trapped in orphanages (www.hopeandhomes.org). HHC was born out of the Balkans Conflict 30 years ago. We’ve seen children left behind in the war zone, to live feral in bombed out orphanages. We’ve seen refugee children separated from family and thrown into dangerous orphanages far away from their homes. We cannot allow history to repeat itself in Ukraine.

What we’re doing in Ukraine

  • In Kiev and Dnipro we’re providing life-saving emergency aid, so children and families have enough food, water, clothes, medicine, sleeping bags, torches and tape to prevent broken glass injuring people.

What we’re doing in neighbouring Moldova and Romania

  • HHC’s staff fear a child protection emergency of epic proportions. We’ve set up emergency reception centres on the border, ensuring displaced families and unaccompanied child refugees get the emergency aid they need – and that no child ends up in orphanage.

We’re calling for:

  • Orphanages to be kept out of the firing line.
  • The Government of Ukraine not to cut-off funding to orphanages
  • Orphanages to be urgently and responsibly evacuated
  • Neighbouring countries to keep child refugees out of orphanages by using emergency foster care.

Click the link below to donate now.

www.hopeandhomes.org

Update

(21 June) He’s the Oskar Schindler of Ukraine: American veteran left his family behind to travel 25,000 miles within the war-torn country to rescue civilians and deliver medicine and food to orphaned children

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10934817/American-veteran-tells-hes-left-family-rescue-75-Ukrainians.html

(14 March) Helpless orphans cram into basement in Kyiv as they shelter from Putin’s war machine: Up to 100,000 children who still need to be evacuated from Ukraine as Russian troops continue their assault

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10608155/Up-100-000-children-need-evacuated-Ukraine-Russian-troops-continue-assault.html

 

What Kind of Sofa You Should Buy During the Global Food Crisis

The Ed
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What Kind of Sofa You Should Buy During the Global Food Crisis

Buying a sofa can be a real nightmare. Does it fit with the aesthetics of your room? Are you looking for a retro look or minimalist designer post-modernist look? These are some of the questions you may ask yourself when choosing a new sofa.

Sofa so good

Outside in the streets, you nonchalantly view the total collapse of society due to extreme levels of food price hyperinflation. People are now rioting and looting all that remains on the destroyed streets. Cars are being torched everywhere by angry, desperate people intent on destruction. You can certainly confirm that the huge cost increase of food and utilities is a cause for concern, but buying a new sofa is a much more important priority.

Why spend your last bit of money on something as important as staple food supplies when you can purchase a Victorian antique chaise longue, or a Strandmon from Ikea?

Apart from the lobotomy machine (TV) in your sitting room, a well-designed sofa is a must to complement the juxtaposition of shapes within the space and that all important Feng Shui.

“One may suppose that you have not eaten a morsel of food for four days and are feeling rather peckish. You must at that moment dial up a furniture site on the internet and order an expensive sofa. There are some great deals these days and some companies even offer services where you can purchase a sofa and pay 6 months later. That’s actually a really good idea because the hyperinflationary riots and looting marauding mobs will be the cause of complete societal collapse in about two months.”

Eco Activist Glues Hands to 737 Jet at Gatwick Going to Morocco

The Ed
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Eco Activist Glues Hands to 737 Jet at Gatwick Going to Morocco

Gatwick’s authorities were too late to save an eco activist protesting for Insulate Britain when he glued his hands to a 737 jet departing to Casablanca, Morocco on Monday night.

Flight 658 lifted off from Gatwick Airport at 18.35. It is still not known what has happened to the eco activist.

Baggage handler, Raja Singh, 53, from Southwark said he may have seen the man running along with the plane as it took off to its destination.

“Blimey! Good gracious me. I could not believe my bloomin’ eyes. The man had glued both his hands on the top of the left wing of the aircraft. I had just finished my shift. Oh, that poor man. He kept shouting something about insulation but the bloody engines were so loud. When the plane started going down the runway, he tried to keep up with it running along like a mad man, innit. Eventually it was too fast for him and it dragged him along like a rag doll. It lifted off into the air. Oh, blimey!”

The flight time of approximately three hours and fifteen minutes from Gatwick to Casablanca would be a harrowing experience for the man.

Authorities in Morocco were notified but there have not been any reports regarding the activist yet.

“What with below freezing conditions and low oxygen, it is highly unlikely the eco activist will survive the three-hour trip,” a Gatwick spokesman said.

UPDATE 

Flight 658 landed safely at Casablanca Airport at 20.54 hrs Monday night.

Officials searched the aeroplane’s wing and found nothing apart from a pair of severed human hands glued to it. The rather gruesome find may give up clues to help trace who the owner of the severed hands was.

“What probably happened during this tragic situation is that the activist’s hands froze at about 35,000 feet. Eventually, the weight of the body dragging along gave way and broke free. We do not know if the eco activist was alive or conscious at the time,” civil air authority engineer Matt Cohen, revealed on Tuesday.

WARNING: PLEASE DO NOT GLUE YOUR HANDS TO FAST MOVING OBJECTS IN ANY CAPACITY. 

 

 

 

U.S. Midterms? It’s an Absolute No-Brainer

The Ed
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U.S. Midterms? It’s an Absolute No-Brainer

The beautiful vistas that grace Democrat run cities across the United States may be in focus during the Midterm elections this year. Strolling down the joyful streets of Philadelphia’s Kensington avenue, you will see for yourself what liberal socialism can do to any city. Smell the wonderful smells, regale the wonderful sights of socialistic liberalism at its zenith.

Everyone loves Los Angeles, the city of angels and one could say demons…shhhh. No, really, there’s truly no place like the magical city of LA where dreams are made and immense fortunes solidified on the gold paved, star struck streets.

Lest we forget San Francisco, the Californian jewel in the crown. This city is truly a Democrat dream come true, especially with its liberal city makers who have truly gone out of their way to accommodate absolutely everything and everyone. It is this inclusivity that truly distinguishes Democrat cities from the orderly, clean, crime free streets of Republican run cities. Who wants that? It is better to have open sewers with people defecating in the gutters and jamming needles in their pockmarked ankles in front of schools. Democrats support this way of living and abhor the disgrace of law and order displayed within Repugnant run cities across America.

KENSINGTON AVENUE, PHILADELPHIA 

SKID ROW, LOS ANGELES 

TENDERLOIN, SAN FRANCISCO 

DETROIT 

Living With Covid? How About Fucking Dying With Covid Instead

The Ed
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Living With Covid? How About Fucking Dying With Covid Instead

We’re supposed to be living with Covid these days. Yeah, it’s mainly because the government practically bankrupted itself during the fucking lockdowns, either that or some very poor choices were made by our greasy haired Chancellor of the Exchequer and we are all suffering the consequences now.

The thing is, the pandemic never stopped. In fact, it’s getting worse because no one wears masks anymore apart from the diligent ones. Boris got bogged down in Partygate so he said fuck it let them all get infected. He lifted all restrictions to detract from the Partygate nonsense that nearly brought down the government. With no more restrictions, infections are soaring and due to the high cost of free lateral flow tests, the bankrupt treasury halted those, meaning no one knows what the hell is going on. It’s like a double fuckin’ whammy.

The worst part of this dereliction of care is that unless someone somewhere in government does something, the shit is going to escalate beyond any point of return. We have all these multiple variants banding around mixing with each other, Covid xyz, Covid abc, Covid this and Covid that. The real chart of infected is probably a 90° line up exponentially increasing at an r rate of 10.

Sure, it’s only mild, no one is getting sick you say. Yes, but what happens if one of these dastardly microbes decides to mutate into something really deadly and potent? Are you going to wear a mask then or just take it all into your lung tissue so it can shred your lungs from the inside out? What about people with underlying medical conditions?

What about the longterm effects of being infected with Covid? Some scientists say it shrinks the brain, causes longterm fatigue and can linger in the body for months. Who fucking knows anymore? One scientist says one thing and another says something else. Living with a shrinking brain? We’ll soon have a population of dumbed down idiots stuck in front of their TVs watching Strictly Come Dancing and antique show reruns for eternity (oh, shit).

We are not living with Covid, we are fucking dying of Covid and all the government is doing is watching from afar. Let them die of Covid. Let them get infected. They don’t like Covid rules. It’s all about the money. Making money to pay more tax is hugely important to the programmed masses therefore they have been given the freedom to continue their tax-slavery and die from Covid as well. How worthless is your pitiful life that you value money over it? Essentially, we are not defeating this virus but allowing it to mutate ad infinitum. We get freedom, but so does the virus, and soon enough it is going to mutate to perfection because it is being allowed to increase its capacity to learn from each person it infects. You want the perfect killing machine? You allow it to learn and adapt without any threats.

 

Ah, the Daily Squib’s Only Day Off – April Fool’s Day

The Ed
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Ah, the Daily Squib’s Only Day Off – April Fool’s Day

Aye, it’s that time of the year where the Squib staff take a single day off from the job. It’s not that we can write much satire these days anyway without being given a site policy violation by you-know-who, that almighty monopoly that now controls everything on the Internets. We try of course to squeeze through the cracks with various linguistic gymnastics but even then things are getting harder for satirists and shall we say comedians these days. We have recently been focusing on the Ukraine war so that detracts somewhat. Anyway, enough moaning, enjoy April 1st, we will be down the pub getting totally bladdered.

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