Pub landlords were today baffled as to how they were going to adhere to the new social distancing rules which will be applied from next Monday.
“We will get fined thousands of pounds for having more than six people in our pub. There are ways we can get around this. Secret compartments where we can stuff drinkers, or how about the cellar? Another way of making it worth our while is to bring in six drinkers at a time, and order them to drink seven pints each in less than five minutes, ready for the next six to be allowed in. This way we can at least break even on opening costs,” one anonymous pub landlord revealed.
What about stealth technology for drinkers? The pub could be kitted out with state-of-the-art stealth tech that renders any person invisible. This would be achieved by strapping a specialist suit on with multiple cameras pointing in every direction, then broadcasting the images received onto the suit which would be fitted with miniscule pixels, thus rendering the person invisible. There is only one drawback, the pints will still be seen floating in the air, and if there are thirty or forty pub revellers, a visiting officer of the law would see forty odd pints hanging in the air, giving the game away.
“What about painting pub goers as a piece of furniture? We could paint them, like one guy as a chair, another as part of a snooker table, maybe one as a jukebox. I don’t envy the bloke disguised as a condom machine in the bogs though. They would have to be very still, as they suck their beers through a long straw. Anyone who pukes could give the game away, and there will be no room for any pub fights,” another landlord posited.
Indeed, the same Rubicon will have to also be crossed by restaurant owners, who will have a serious challenge in trying to recoup costs only on six customers.
Apparently, school classrooms are not enclosed spaces where the airborne virus will not flourish and are exempt from the six-person rule, because stuffing thirty or forty kids into a musky old room with poor ventilation is somehow immune to COVID-19 infection.
Suicide is sometimes sanctioned by government it seems.