He still has a glint in his eye and can stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time without assistance from a nurse.

Nothing can beat John McCain and he will never surrender to the baying jackals waiting at the end of his wheelchair.

“Americans never quit. We never surrender. We never hide from history, we make history,” Senator McCain shouts, as a nurse runs up and adjusts his overfull colostomy bag.

Since the fateful day when Barack Obama was given the gift of presidency, the McCain camp has been strangely quiet.

“McCain still thinks he’s campaigning for the presidency. We never had the guts to tell him he lost. We don’t think his ol’ ticker could take it. Every day now we take him around the garden in his scooter and tell him about imaginary caucuses wins, pre-election victories in key states and speak of the ad campaigns and how they’re getting on. He really still thinks he’s in with a chance poor fella,” Klaus Schmidt, a key GOP campaign aide told CNN.

Mr Schmidt even went as far as to show reporters a huge stack of papers — the faked poll results concocted by ex-campaign workers to keep their master happy and grinning whilst he is fed his daily mush.

John McCain’s reptilian wife, Cindy has also been ordered to keep up the pretence of campaigning but aides are worried that she may not be able to keep up and she might give the game away.

How long can the farce go on?

Ready to Join Euro

Our supreme unelected world leader has already discussed the changeover with Comrade Barroso, Commissar of the European Soviet One World Commission and has finalised the details.

Speaking from the Westminster Duma, Comrade Brown addressed the assembled single party: “Comrades, brave Bolshevik warriors, workers and the proletariat. I today announce the shedding of the old capitalist symbol that has been a thorn in our side for so long — yes, the British pound. It is my duty as your supreme unelected leader to take out this vile symbol of capitalism and democracy. These systems have all failed and you have seen my Soviet ardour with the privatization of the entire banking system which is now, thanks to my efforts, completely Soviet. The currency which has been a symbol of Britain’s sovereign power and empire for hundreds of years will soon be scrapped and incorporated into Europe’s single currency thus accelerating the New Era which I have so dreamed about. Comrades, my ten year world domination plan is slowly coming into fruition and you will, as Soviet British citizens, all feel the benefits of the New Era of Change. As of tomorrow, to celebrate the destruction of the pound and the acceleration into One World Global Soviet Governance by me and a few select leaders, there will be an extra ration of sugar for all citizens served up next week. Comrades, enjoy yourselves in your freezing hovels and unheated eco-dwellings. Don’t forget, comrades, enjoy your extra sugar cube rations for the winter because I will be heaping huge tax increases on you and your families soon after.”

Comrade Brown, indeed, is riding high up in the polls which are of course controlled by the central Stasi Office of Information in Whitehall. The people are very happy with his leadership and yesterday in Red Trafalgar Square a parade was held in his honour.

Resistance is Futile

There is even more good news, comrades. In Eurasia, just east of sector 23, Bolshevik army commanders have secured the area and will be leaving soon to fight in sector 12 where the New Age of Change has to be instated immediately.

Any dissent or thoughtcrimes within the New Age of Change will be punishable with a minimum imprisonment of at least 42 years.

Long Live Comrade Brown! INGSOCK NOTICE: B23654