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Amy Winehouse Training for Bolshoi Ballet Debut

Charles Beelzebunter
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Amy Winehouse Training for Bolshoi Ballet Debut

Amy Winehouse is addicted to ballet and has been secretly training for her debut in the Bolshoi Ballet production of Tchaikovsky’s Sleeping Beauty which is going to open in Moscow’s Bolshoi theatre in 2009.

Now you know why she wears those ballet shoes wherever she goes.

Her obsession has been so intense that she even sleeps with her ballet pumps and bathes in them too.

“Amy is the most dedicated ballerina I have ever seen, she can stand on tiptoe for hours on end without flinching, this is her drug — her true passion,” respected Ballet mistress, Antoinette Rehabskirova wrote in last weeks edition of Pravda.

Ms Winehouse has injected a much needed boost into the elite world of ballet, her courage and dedication has now been the inspiration for many young girls around the world.

 

She is so obsessed with ballet that she even has one room dedicated solely to ballet shoes. Winehouse keeps about 20,000 pairs stacked up wall to wall.

The production will tour the world starting in February 2009 and is already a sell out at all venues.

‘Jihad Land’ Comes to Baghdad with Multi-Million Pound Entertainment Park

Charles Beelzebunter
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0
‘Jihad Land’ Comes to Baghdad with Multi-Million Pound Entertainment Park

When the amusement park you’re building lies in downtown Baghdad, you know that you’re going to have one hell of a ride.

Mr Mengele, chairman of Zyklon-B, a Los Angeles-based holding company for private equity firms, is pouring millions of dollars into developing The Baghdad Jihad and Torture Entertainment Experience, a massive American-style amusement park that will feature a waterboarding park, torture chambers, a functioning dungeon, a Suicide Vest Center and a museum of American war atrocities and torture tools. He is a new breed of American pioneer in the new frontier land of Iraq. The park is being designed by the same firm that developed Disneyland.

“The people of Iraq need this kind of positive influence. It’s going to have a huge psychological impact and make us very very rich off their misery – in essence, we are simply doing to these people what we have been doing for many years – exploiting them for our gain,” Mr Mengele said.
The 50-acre swath of land, which sits adjacent to the heavily fortified Green Zone and encompasses Baghdad’s existing Torture Center and Abu Ghraib prison, was constructed after the American-led invasion in 2003. Before the invasion the area was previously used as a recreational park where children would play and Baghdadi residents would wile away their time amongst the lush grass and palm trees.

Iraqis will be sprinkled with Depleted Uranium as they enter the facility’s gates.

Lawrence Van Hoogenstraten, a South African mercenary who ran the Baghdad Towelhead Hunting Safari for rich Americans immediately after the invasion, has been hired to help.

Mr Mengele, who has been sold a 50-year lease on the site by the Mayor of Baghdad for an undisclosed sum, says the time is ripe for the torture facility. “I think people will embrace it. They’ll see it as an opportunity for the torture to carry on regardless if they’re Shia or Sunni. This will be a fun place to visit and see how America has taken over Iraq. We also plan on introducing a brothel and hardcore pornographic cinema as well as Las Vegas style gambling joints so Iraqis get a real flavour of the best of America. We already have all the major fast food restaurants signed up and ready to go, we just have to tear down a few more mosques to build them.”

Ali al-Dabbagh, a spokesman for the Iraqi Government, is equally optimistic: “The Americans have been very generous with their money yet again. Of course, we sold our people out without question. I have a villa near Lake Lugano and one on the banks of Lake Geneva. Our American friends are welcome to come here and shoot and rape our children. Just as long as they pay me large sums of money.” Mr al-Dabbagh added that entry to the park would be free for Iraqi families, but they should realise that some members of the family might never manage to leave the torture facility alive.

The project will cost $500 million to develop and will be managed by the CIA and MOSSAD. Under the terms of the lease, Mr Mengele will retain exclusive rights to torture facilities and brothel developments, which he says will be both “culturally sensitive” and enormously profitable — “I wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t making money,” he said.

“I also have this wonderful sense that we’re doing the right thing — we’re not only going to torture thousands of Iraqis for free, but we’re going to make a profit too. The American nation really has left a wonderful legacy in Iraq which is now the 51st state.”

A $1 million waterboard park, the first phase of the development, will be opened in July. The project, wholly financed by Mr Mengele and the CIA, is meant to lure “the demographic of anyone who is not an American or oil representative of Halliburton.”

Parts for 200,000 waterboards and materials to build CIA sanctioned torture devices will be shipped from America to Iraq for assembly at state-owned factories.

Mr Mengele also plans to fly over American waterboarding experts to train more state sanctioned torturers. When the sport catches on Mr Mengele will start to sell the boards — which bear the slogan “American State Torture is Rad” in hot pink Arabic script — for cash.

The larger Jihad Land entertainment park, designed by Whip and Bleed Engineering Inc., will follow in phases, part of a broader strategy launched two years ago by the Iraqi Government and the US to attract private investment into the country’s 192 state-owned factories.


 

The factories were closed in 2003 by Paul Bremer, then the head of the Coalition Provisional Authority, who believed that private torture facilities away from the media would take their place. Instead, the American torture machine went public and wiped out the silent industry in one fell swoop.

But Mr Mengele whose company manages several hundred million dollars of equity, sees Iraq as a great opportunity. “Iraq to me is an open field. I have never in my life seen an opportunity with the potential that Iraq has with its skilled workforce and oil reserves. We are tearing down 200 mosques per day and building churches on top of them. I am also planning to integrate pork products to the Iraq diet and the Iraqi government have already accepted proposals to build Iraq’s first pig farm in Tikrit and maybe also in Sadr City. ”

He has begun partnerships with several Iraqi factories in the last year, investing tens of millions of dollars in joint ventures ranging from manufacturing rude toys for the new Iraqi industry near Basra to Churches in Kirkuk to production of Iraqi Viagra tablets made with “Mesopotamia dates”.

But the Baghdad Jihad and Torture Entertainment Experience could prove the most ambitious. General Petraeus is said to be a “big supporter” of the project, according to Mr Mengele.

“There are all sorts of investment opportunities all over Iraq. But it’s not just about looting their oil reserves for American consumption. Half the Iraqi population is under the age of fifteen. These kids really need something to do – and being exploited and tortured by us is their true calling,” Mr Mengele exclaims as he chews on his large Cuban cigar.

Urgent Announcement from Comrade Brown 10p Workers Reward

Charles Beelzebunter
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Urgent Announcement from Comrade Brown 10p Workers Reward

The Chairman : I call upon our unelected leader Comrade Brown to speak.

(The plebiscite greet Comrade Brown’s appearance in the rostrum with a loud ovation lasting for several minutes. All those in the hall of the British Soviet Shakespeare Theatre rise and greet Comrade Brown. Continuous cries from the hall: “Long live great Brown, Hurrah!” “Hurrah for Comrade Brown, the creator of the Soviet Constitution, the most democratic in the world!” “Long live Comrade Brown, leader of the oppressed throughout the world, Hurrah!” )

Brown: Comrades, to tell you the truth, I had no intention of making a speech. But our respected Commissar for Re-Education, Ed Balls, dragged me to this meeting in his Bentley Arnage by sheer force, so to speak. “Make another one of your morose monotone speeches ,” he said. What shall I talk about, exactly what sort of speech? Everything that had to be said has already been said and said again. What can be added to these speeches? Ahah! And then comrades, the speech came to me out of the red mist of Brown-ism and flowed out of me effortlessly.

Comrades, the Vision of Change I have created is truly upon us now and forever will be implemented by me. Rest assured, this is the time comrades for us to embrace the New Era wherein all workers in the Great Soviet Britain will be rewarded for their hard work in bringing our state forward and above all others.

Effective immediately comrades, I have instructed our illustrious state legislator Comrade Darling to decrease state workers pay by reducing the 10p threshold of state tax. I am rewarding the proletariat for their continuing allegiance and hardship to the state. Now they have less to bring home to their families and will have to work longer hours for less pay to make ends meet. (Cries of approval and applause.)

I will be rewarding proles with further increases in fuel tax for their continued hard work in increasing state coffers. Our great state now receives 80 pence in every pound spent on fuel; with the new 2p increase I have proposed, this will give workers more opportunity to work longer hours in state factories and workhouses.

There will also be an increase in CCTV surveillance to deter and detect threats to our Soviet British Regime of Change. I therefore announce an increase in politburo cameras effective immediately. The 35% increase of the 245 million cameras already existing in the United Soviet Kingdom will give comrades and workers further security from themselves.

Comrades, I will also announce, effective from tomorrow, an increase in the sugar rations from one cube per month to two cubes. You see comrades, I reward those who support the Bolshevik Party well. (Loud and sustained cheers. A voice:”And we all follow Comrade Brown !”)

BBC Airs New Repossession Property Show

Charles Beelzebunter
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BBC Airs New Repossession Property Show

Location, Location, Location

Nearly every British TV channel has been airing property shows each day of the week for the past eight years. The almighty property show explosion has proved a windfall for the production companies involved as well as the commissioning stations by capitalising on the mass market hunger for property ownership.

“It is true to say that if one repeats the same mantra enough times the masses will believe it to be true. Every day and every hour the same message has been pumped into British households. We suckered them into getting those 110% mortgages and they believed us wholeheartedly because they saw what we were broadcasting — the dream they wanted,” Jamie Garrick, one of the producers for the BBC3 show Get Set Buy to Let exclaimed with a large smirk on his pockmarked face.

Repossession, Repossession, Repossession

After the populations were brainwashed into getting on the property ladder by any means possible, the carpet has been firmly swished from underneath them and now they are left with properties acquired with oversized mortgages, increasing interest rates and negative equity.

The banks who are not lending anymore, due to their own greedy profiteering which has led to the so-called “credit crunch”, are now repossessing the properties they fooled the people into buying.

BBC5 presenter John Allen talks about the new repossession show which aired last night: “The premise of the show is quite simple really. We have a camera crew following the householders around as they struggle to cope with the immense pressure of trying to stay afloat whilst mortgaged up to the hilt and trying to juggle the credit card payments.

We had one couple for the series who actually ended up losing more than their house. The husband hanged himself in the garden next to the rhododendrons that had been featured in a property show last year. A lot of the people we follow with the camera we have already featured in previous shows where we documented them buying the properties they lose in the current show.”

The new show format was a great success after airing on the Sunday evening slot,

Repossession Repossession Repossession managed to receive 5 million viewers last night and beat the ITV1 property repossession show Losing Your Home Abroad.

Brown Congratulates Mugabe for Winning Election

Charles Beelzebunter
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2
Brown Congratulates Mugabe for Winning Election

In an unusually forthright statement at the world’s top diplomatic table, Gordon Brown congratulated Robert Mugabe for stealing Zimbabwe’s presidential vote once again.

The British prime minister told a meeting of the UN security council today that Mugabe’s tactics are very similar to his own.

Commenting on the results of the ballot, Brown said: “Everyone knows, having seen the result at the polling stations, that President Mugabe has lost this election but won it on the coerced recount with the use of brute force. A stolen election would not be an election at all. Believe you me, I know, having been brought into power without any election or vote.”

Indeed, the supreme Comrade Brown secured the Prime Ministerial role without election after Tony Blair left office. When called to declare a much-needed general election in September 2007 he “bottled it” and backed away from his word. Gordon Brown also promised the people of Britain a referendum on Europe and backed away from that as well.

The prime minister’s praise of Mugabe came at a meeting to discuss security council cooperation with the African Union, chaired by the South African president, Thabo Mbeki, who is Mugabe’s subordinate.

Robert Gabriel Mugabe, KCB (born on February 21, 1924) is the President of Zimbabwe. He has served as the head of government in Zimbabwe since 1980, as Prime Minister from 1980 to 1987 and as the first executive President since 1987. He rose to prominence in the 1960s as a leader of the Zimbabwe African National Union (ZANU) in guerrilla warfare against white-minority rule in Rhodesia in the Bush War (1964–1979).

Mugabe is an outspoken, controversial and polarizing figure who is proud of his homosexuality. Emerging from the Zimbabwe parliament, he has been hailed by gay Africans as a hero for championing homosexual rights in Zimbabwe.

The President currently lives in his pink palace in Harare with his string of male concubines. There are rumours that President Mugabe has full blown AIDS but leaders of ZANU-PF have staunchly denied the allegations. Mugabe’s continuing thin frame and fragile mental state have alarmed African leaders and the media with concern for his health.

Viscount Linley to Present Supermarket Sweep

Charles Beelzebunter
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0
Viscount Linley to Present Supermarket Sweep

The British Royal family have made rare sojourns onto our TV screens in the past with shows like It’s a Knockout and the odd public ceremony but until now no member of the Saxe Coburg Gothas have had the privilege of fronting their own show.

TV bosses for ITV1 have now commissioned the supermarket show that has been running for many years on daytime TV to be taken over by Viscount Linley.

“Dale Winton is to move on from presenting Supermarket Sweep and is already filming the celluloid version of Are You Being Served which is set for release in July and produced by Grundy TV,” Jim Allinson, the excited director of the movie revealed last week during pre-production talks set in the world famous Grace Brothers department store in central London.

A producer for ITV1, Janice Pansy describes the show on the official website:

“Supermarket Sweep is a wonderful TV show where three teams of contestants attempt to earn as much time on their
clocks as possible by answering product and price related questions.
Each team begins with one minute on their cock, but can earn 10
seconds for answering one of Dale’s easy-peesy questions about food or
Heat-style celebrity gossip. The first member of each team plays the
first two rounds, they swap over for the next two, and the “Round
Robin” free-for-all at the end involves the players pointlessly
swapping positions after every single question.Then the real fun begins when there is a free for all with the shopping trolley as contestants try to stuff as much as they can into their trolley. Dale usually gets a few kisses at the end from the contestants and is sometimes fondled by the male contestants much to his enjoyment.”

The new presenter will surely bring a right royal twist to the show and remember campers: “The next time you’re at the checkout and you hear the beep..
[bip-bip], think of the fun you could be having on Supermarket
Sweeeeep!”

Comrade Gordon Brown Denounces Traitors to Era of Change

Charles Beelzebunter
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0
Comrade Gordon Brown Denounces Traitors to Era of Change

Speaking from the Westminster duma, Comrade Brown addressed true believers in the era of change and denounced the “vile dogs of Blairism and traitorous brigands to the new Brown vision of Labour”.

“Comrades, Labour party faithful and true believers in the Brown era, commanders and political instructors, men and women workers, men and women collective farmers, intellectuals, brothers and sisters in the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the vile Blairite brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas who are dedicated to the cause of the Bolshevik Labour Red Army. (Laughter and applause.)

On behalf of the Labour Government and our Bolshevik Party I greet you and congratulate you on the anniversary of the 10th month of the great June Socialist Revolution.

Today our country is in a far better position than it was 10 months ago under the lickspittle swine and peddlers of Blairism. Today it is many times richer in fuel taxes, taxes for the poor, taxes for the rich, more fuel taxes, council taxes and income taxes. Today we do not have any allies left to fight alongside us but comrades, let me tell you, we do not need them anymore. Today we enjoy the State Banking system which Comrade Darling has created on my orders. Today we have a splendid cut-down army and a splendid tin-pot navy, defending the freedom and independence of our one party system. Today we have millions of Soviet Britons who are now living in clone Eco villages not blighted by such frivolities as individualism and self-ownership. (Cries of approval and applause.)

Those who do not subscribe to my New Vision of Change and have already shown their despicable colours by bad mouthing my leadership will be re-educated in one of our Special Bolshevik Eco Camps up north.”  (Loud and sustained applause and cheers. All rise and turn towards the government box, to
which Comrade Brown proceeds from the platform. Voices: “Hurrah for
the great Brown!” “Hurrah for Comrade Brown!” “Long live Comrade Brown!” “Long live the first of the Leninists, candidate for the Soviet of the Briton, Comrade Brown! Hurrah!” )

After our wonderful leader’s speech had ended the traitors were led away with their heads bowed in shame as the party faithful jeered and spat at the vagabonds.

Ivan Lewis, the Ex-Health Minister, and Gerry Sutcliffe, the Ex- Soviet Sports Minister tried to escape the traitors parade at one point but were put back in their place firmly by Stasi officials.

Let this be a lesson to any other dissenters of the Comrade Brown Vision of Change.

Olympic Torch May be Banned from Beijing

Charles Beelzebunter
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0
Olympic Torch May be Banned from Beijing

Explosives experts are being drafted in at great cost by the Chinese authorities to determine how to avoid massive explosions in the combustible Beijing atmosphere. Naturally, with the volatile situation in Beijing’s poisonous atmosphere, all naked flames may be banned from the games.

“We have a highly volatile cocktail of dangerous explosive gases in the Beijing atmosphere and to avoid a massive chain reaction leading to a massive explosion, we may have to ban the Olympic flame from being displayed at the games.” Gerald Matheson of JCP Consulting told an AP press conference on Monday.

The Beijing air is filled with heavy metals and phosphates that are hazardous to the health if breathed in.

There are also pockets of extremely volatile gases that are released daily from the numerous factories in the city. It was only three months ago when 267 people were killed when a housewife lit a cigarette in an open air cafe thus igniting a pocket of explosive gas that had just drifted over to where she was sitting, the resultant explosion demolished a mall and was seen 5 miles away.

According to the European Space Agency, Beijing and its neighbouring
north-east Chinese provinces have the planet’s worst levels of nitrogen
dioxide, which can cause fatal damage to the lungs.

If you breathe the highly toxic combustible soup that is Beijing’s air you would also be breathing in: Methane, Propane, Butane, Hexane, Heptane, Acetylene, Gasoline, Jet Fuel, Naptha, Turpentine, Toluene, Exlene, Ethylene Oxide, Acetone, Methyl Ethyl Ketone, Carbon Monoxide, Hydrogen Sulfide, Ammonia, Hydrogen.

Low visibility has also been an issue with some runners training for the marathon. Last week twenty athletes were not able to see where they were running and found themselves either lost or injured after running into concrete walls or lamp posts.

Nevertheless, Chinese Olympic officials wish to still go ahead with attempting to display an Olympic flame and are now toying with the idea of utilising a large video screen showing composite footage of all past Olympic flames to make up for the loss of the real flame.

Doherty Glad to be Back in Jail – Drugs in Prison Better than Street

Charles Beelzebunter
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1
Doherty Glad to be Back in Jail – Drugs in Prison Better than Street

 

Pete Doherty has been finally jailed at the segregation wing at Wormwood Scrubs prison after many failed attempts.

Pete Doherty’s Lawyer made a statement on behalf of the star: “I am glad I have been privileged enough to attend Wormwood Scrubs prison as a fully fledged heroin addict where the smack is actually purer than the street. I would like to thank the judge for agreeing to give me some much needed time out where I can indulge away from the public gaze.”

A spokesman for Wormwood Scrubs exclaimed that they prepared adequately for Doherty’s entrance.

Pete Doherty’s room will have a colour television, a ps3 console with 5 top games, a dvd machine where he can order 3 films a day from the prison’s extensive library and of course the pièce de résistance – as many drugs as he wants. The prison has uppers and downers and has the finest Afghan heroin in the country. We give each prisoner new needles every morning so they do not re-use the needles or get infections. We also supply crack smoking pipes in the prison shop.

A former inmate talks to the Daily Squib about his experience: “The drugs are easier to find than trying to score on an everyday street in Britain. When I got to Wormwood Scrubs prison I found that was true. Drugs were being used frequently and I was constantly coerced and tempted. In the mornings I would take cocaine and heroin speedballs, then by the afternoon I would be chasing the dragon and smoking crack cocaine.”

“It’s like a holiday camp,” he said. “The only thing it doesn’t have is a swimming pool. Although the Labour Government is going to have one installed next year at a cost of £450,000 to the taxpayer.

“You can get any drugs. It’s easier to get them inside than it is outside. I saw lads who didn’t do drugs become addicted to heroin and all sorts while they were there.”

The cost to the taxpayer to have these prisoners looked after in the lap of luxury per annum is £75,000.

No wonder Pete Doherty is glad to be going back to prison. Here he will get all the drugs he wants and he will be pampered in the lap of luxury.

A spokesman for the UK Prison Authority exclaimed, “People pay good money to get his facilities and he will be getting all this for free. We have extensive entertainment facilities, over 20 pool tables, each room has its own ps3 console and HD TV, the prison also has a very large DVD collection including all the cult films and hard to get DVD’s. The food is health-orientated and every night prisoners are given a menu where they tick off what gourmet cuisine they would like for the next day.

  Unfortunately for Doherty, he is not expected to serve the full 14 weeks but will try to commit some kind of heinous crime to stay in for longer. Maybe sing the warden a song or two – that should do it.

Kerry Katona Gives Birth to Bag of Cocaine

Charles Beelzebunter
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0
Kerry Katona Gives Birth to Bag of Cocaine

Kerry Katona has thanked her fans for their messages of support from her hospital bed this afternoon after she gave birth to a large bag of pure white cocaine five weeks early.

Doctors at Macclesfield Hospital delivered the package without any spillages after inducing labour early.

A spokesperson from her publicist’s office told reporters: “At present both mum and the yeyo are not in any distress and the mother has already started to snort the baby.”

Kerry Katona’s spokesperson made a poignant statement from her bedside:

“Kerry would like to thank all the tabloids and gossip papers for their full coverage and attention and also the doctors and nurses who are providing excellent care in delivering the cocaine safely. The chavette face of Iceland and her family can begin snorting in earnest.”

Kerry’s new baby will be called “Charlie”, named after her favourite pastime.

The 27-year-old was believed to be in the middle of filming the final episodes of her controversial MTV fly-on-the-wall show, Crazy In Love, when her cocaine induced contractions began on Wednesday night.

Her pregnancy has been plagued with rumours of photographers and film crews abandoning the birth coverage, allegations which she has denied vehemently.

The celebrity mother has been allegedly filmed on multiple occasions drinking large quantities of alcohol, smoking cigarettes and snorting crack cocaine as well as freebasing the pure white crystals whilst pregnant.

Last week Kerry was given the all-clear after an ultrasound scan revealed she is holding a bag of pure cocaine ripe for the snorting when it finally pops out of her.

Her freeloader husband Mark, 37, was believed to have taken his heavily pregnant wife to hospital only after he finished the level he was playing on his computer game.

The couple, of Warrington, Cheshire, are already parents to unlucky one-year-old Foo-foo Dust.

Kerry has two other unfortunate girls with ex-Westlife star Brian McFadden – Blow Dust, six, and Candy C, five.

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