School’s Egg and Knife Race Ends With Multiple Deaths

MANCHESTER - England - A North Manchester school has failed to break all previous stab records today after a frenzied competition at the school's annual Egg and Knife race.

Amongst the fatalities at the primary school in the Hoodie district were four teachers and seven pupils who had all been stabbed to death.

“This year we’ve had less stabbings than usual. Last year we had nine teachers and fourteen pupils who were savagely stabbed to death during the egg and knife race. We may be downgraded next year by Labour’s schools Minister for this.” Joan Horton, a supply teacher who survived the race despite receiving multiple stab wounds to her buttocks and face said.

One of the parents told the BBC of her anguish on hearing news of the egg and knife race results: “My son Johnny only stabbed two this year. It’s a bloody disgrace, he ain’t fit to wield a six inch kitchen knife anymore.”

Knife play is such a part of British society these days that anyone who does not join in the fun is vilified.

Last month three pupils from Chavver Moped Comprehensive in Essex were expelled for not carrying knives into class or stabbing enough pupils to death in the playground.