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New NHS Ambulances Solve Hospital Beds Problem

by Muammar Salmon
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4
New NHS Ambulances Solve Hospital Beds Problem

Speaking from St Mary’s hospital in Whitechapel, the Minister for Health announced the introduction of the new NHS ambulances that will quicken the rollout times for hospitals and make more beds available.

“The new ambulances will pick patients up, take them to hospitals where they will be given lethal doses of drugs and denied food and water, then after they have hopefully expired, they will be delivered by the ambulances straight to freshly dug graves. You can’t say that the NHS does not believe in cost efficiency now can you? We’re light years ahead of the American health model,” the Health Minister, Mike O’Brien, told reporters at an impromptu press conference.

No more waiting lists

What can the Americans be worried about? Don’t they want a healthcare system like ours where you can be jumping about in your bed one minute and sentenced to death in another? Surely, they must be bonkers, raving lunatics.

The one-stop solution for the new look NHS was hailed as a much needed boost for Labour in the Commons when Health Secretary Mike O’Brien announced the overhaul after last year’s draft white paper.

“Now if you call for an ambulance and are in dire need of assistance we can be with you within five minutes from anywhere in the UK and have you six feet under in less than fifteen minutes saving thousands of pounds per patient in administrative costs, hospital staffing costs and maintenance.”

The Demise of Nu-Labour’s Mascot Noel Gallagher

by Muammar Salmon
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2
The Demise of Nu-Labour’s Mascot Noel Gallagher

The band of has-beens are not so much an ‘Oasis’ but a ‘Mirage’ now as the two knuckle dragging oaf-like brothers split for the thousandth time.

“Noel used to be the darling of Nu-Labour, he brown nosed his way into Number 10 and was seen licking up to Tony Blair during Downing Street’s celebrity spin heyday. Like Nu-Labour, so too has Oasis been flushed down the chute of inequity after the spin and marketing revealed the sordid reality. It is quite fitting that Oasis and Nu-Labour hold so many similarities in their final demise. Both having been brought down by their totally obsolete and ineffectual essence of hype. They were both so removed from reality and the public that their final implosion within their pampered deluded egotistical fantasy world was inevitable,” a former fan told NME.

Oasis did not touch upon the Beatles for one second as they constantly claimed, they seemed to think they did but they never got close to the Beatles, in fact, they were closer to a poor man’s version of Slade than anything else. With all their bragging and witless oafish thuggery, Liam and Noel always were a bunch of low-IQ simian fuckwits from a council estate somewhere up North and nothing more.

Monkey boy

“Liam and Noel are a bunch of has-beens, they’re nothing more than common louts who only have two expressions, anger and violence. That is the only way these uneducated expressionless morons can express themselves, and this is why they personify what was lauded by Nu-Labour; bullying, oafish behaviour, no work benefits culture, no education and pitiful waste. They were basically chavs with guitars,” another former fan said.

Everything about Nu-Labour was about low quality, it championed all the facets of the human condition that are worthless and cheap. That’s why under David Cameron’s weak leadership of the Conservatives, there is a similar sentiment of utter mediocrity and worthlessness that may endear itself to voters once again in the coming elections simply because of the similarity with the failing Labour regime. The voters will go for ‘change’ but what ‘choice’ do they have?

Oasis stood for ‘yob Britain’, they stood for the stabbings, punchups, chavs and thuggery which epitomised the legacy of Britain’s Labour party.

The Nu-Labour song was “Things can only get better”, well, many years after the fact, ‘things’ have got a lot worse and it seems they will get even more bogged down in the future thanks to the scorched earth policies of the unelected coward in chief, Gordon Brown and his corrupt government of bullies and liars.

Here’s to the upcoming lucrative Oasis reunion concerts which will probably happen sooner or later.

3D Hollywood Movies Still Crap

by Muammar Salmon
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1
3D Hollywood Movies Still Crap

Another stale soulless film from Hollywood’s stagnant stinking machine of banality approved by some fat cigar chomping greasy producer is about to be released to the general public. But this time it is different, it is going to be in 3D.

“We’re releasing the same old malodorous weak template CGI cumshot fests with no script, no actors and no imagination — but this time it’s going to be in 3D. This is going to be goddamn amazing so you all have to come and see it huh,” Ephraim Liebowitz, the executive executive executive producer for the movie exclaims as he gulps down his fourth sufganiyah in the space of two minutes.

Moviegoers across the world will be able to revel in another piss-poor Hollywood production that will probably make your eyes roll up in their sockets and assume the comatose state of utter utter boredom.

“I’d rather stab my eyeballs with fountain pens than watch another cutesy, scriptless piece of shit film from America. Same old churned out crap with no redeeming features at all. All of their actors and actresses, if you can call them that, all look the same, sound the same and ‘act’ the same. Now it’s in 3D so that sh*t comes at you and you can’t get away from it. If they’re not skewing history somehow to give it an American slant, they’re churning out another franchise movie to cash in. The worst scenario is watching one of those godawful clichéd Hollywood CGI cartoons with the whiny voices emanating from all the characters pitifully trying to be funny, I’d rather spend my time listening to Nosferatu scratching a blackboard with his nails than watching any of that crap let alone in f*cking 3D,” a cinema goer from London told the Daily Squib.

The next step from the rehashed old-technology of 3D Hollywood movies will probably be microchips inserted into your cerebral cortex so that you will live inside one of these Hollywoodized awful banal productions right in your head. It is definitely the stuff of nightmares and would be any sane person’s idea of a living hell on earth.

'Climate Change' Caused by Earth's Atmosphere Say Scientists

by Muammar Salmon
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4
'Climate Change' Caused by Earth's Atmosphere Say Scientists

“The earth is heated by the sun when it is day time and in the night it is cool because the sun is on the other side of the earth. This is the secret of climate change, and what’s more, we have discovered that this process has been happening since the earth’s beginnings. Isn’t that incredible?” professor Michael Hunt told the New Scientist magazine.

Climate experts all over the world who have been commissioned by governments to create a charging system so that all humans have to pay even more taxes to breathe the air have all however discounted professor Hunt’s findings.

“Do not listen to professor Hunt, he’s a ****! First we had ‘Global Warming’ but that fizzled out because the masses just did not take to it. So we went back to the drawing board and came up with ‘Climate Change’. Now, you can’t come up with a better idea than that to reduce the population. It was genius I tell you,” climate expert, Von Braun Himmler said at a Fabian society meeting on Tuesday.

Professor Hunt was also quoted as saying: “Sometimes the earth’s atmosphere gets cooler and other times hotter. Sometimes these periods of hotness and coolness last for thousands of years and sometimes for millions. The earth’s climate changes all the time, therefore the big boys who pay my funding have come up with an amazing scam to f*ck the people over even further. Although it is the robber barons who, from time immemorial, have been digging up and plundering the earth’s resources to the point of exhaustion so that they could make themselves very very rich, are now saying that the ordinary humans are the problem. The same people who are the biggest polluters and destroyers of the earth’s resources are now saying that you are the burden on the environment. You exist, and that is bad enough for the climate. The masses are the problem for the elite and that is why they’ve thought up this ‘climate change’ scam. They know full well that the climate has been changing since the Big f*cking Bang, but they’re saying now that ‘climate change’ only started a few years ago and you and I should be taxed and exterminated off this earth because of their greed and hypocrisy.

“They will now use the ‘climate change’ scam to shut down the human race once and for all. The human population is now a severe embarrassment to the elite controllers. I know what they are saying at the top because I have to meet these reptiles every day and say yes to them as they get closer every second of the day to their ultimate mission and dream.”

Unfortunately for professor Hunt, after divulging the ‘climate change’ revelations, he was taken from his family home in an unmarked car two days ago and has not been seen since.

Kerry Leaves Six Kilo Cocaine Bag at Bus Stop

by Muammar Salmon
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0
Kerry Leaves Six Kilo Cocaine Bag at Bus Stop

Troubled Kerry, 28, allegedly left a large bag of pure uncut Colombian cocaine at a bus stop outside a police station in Warrington, Cheshire, shortly before 4pm.

After the police slowly sauntered out of the station to inspect the massive stash, a police source said: “Ms Katona had left her bag of cocaine behind so I retrieved the bag before any other person would violate the property of Ms Katona and handed the yayo back to her. This however, should not be viewed as lenient behaviour regarding Ms Katona’s very obvious cocaine addiction. We decided to give her a verbal caution for possessing huge amounts of pure uncut Colombian marching powder and then sent her on her way.

“She would have got a stern, verbal warning – and this would have been delivered by an officer of traffic warden-rank or below.”

And the shocking revelation comes just 22 minutes after it emerged that the cash-strapped mother-of-four was seen sniffing copious amounts of cocaine in front of two police vans full of police men and women as well as eight drug sniffer dogs.

She was summarily reprimanded with a police caution for possessing cocaine that time as well.

Friends said Kerry fears she will now be at the centre of an intense social services investigation after admitting to snorting the drug in front of her and others’ children in the local playground.

Another Bumper Year of A Grades Under Labour

by Muammar Salmon
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1
Another Bumper Year of A Grades Under Labour

Every person in the whole of the United Kingdom gained an A grade in all A-Level and GCSE exams this year under the celebrated Labour education initiative spearheaded by Schools Minister Ed Bollocks.

“This is a sure sign that under the Labour government everyone is equal and supremely educated. Nu-Labour came to power in 1997 and since then we have succeeded in our motto of ‘Education, Education, Education’,” Schools minister, Ed Bollocks remarked after the A-level results were released last week.

“Everyon’es weely clevah now, innit?”

The fact that many of today’s graduates do not possess even the most basic standards of education and have been ‘dumbed down’ to such a level that there is little or no hope that they will ever be useful to any employer when they leave university is neither here nor there. There are simply not enough jobs to go around anyway.

“I did my coursework and if I got it wrong the teacher tells me what to change. I then submit it and it gets an A grade. That’s how I got A grades in everything. It’s really that easy and multiple choice questions are a breeze too innit?” Fred Gavinbourne, 18, from Wensleydale College told the Times.

Under Labour’s education initiative, everyone who even signs up to take a GCSE or A-level will automatically get an A grade because this will ensure equality for all students in the UK. This government sponsored initiative is said to encourage school and university attendance as well as encourage more pupils to read and write.

“I didn’t even turn up for two of my exams but I got A’s. My mate Jimmy can only write in text language so he got an A in English Lit. and German as well as History and Economics. It’s that f*cking easy it is and all,” Harry Davis, 16, an inmate at Feltham Youth Rehabilitation Unit told the Squib.

Al Qaeda: Only Terminally Ill Terrorists Need Apply

by Muammar Salmon
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0
Al Qaeda: Only Terminally Ill Terrorists Need Apply

The word on the
street is that terrorist organisations are now only recruiting
terminally ill terrorists to carry out their dirty deeds.

“Once
our operators carry out their heroic deeds like blowing up passenger
planes full of Americans we know they will be treated leniently
especially if they are caught by the British authorities. We know that
they will simply be let off to come home and receive a hero’s welcome.
We must be careful not to be caught by the Americans however, because
we have heard that they do not take kindly to terrorists, but Scotland
and England no problem,” an Al Qaeda commander revealed to Al Jazeera
news service.

Thanks to the
British government’s complacent and lenient nature with regards to
terrorists worldwide, they now have a free Get Out of Jail card.

“It does not
matter how terrible the atrocities committed by the terrorists are, we
will release them on compassionate grounds so that they can revel in their notoriety and rejoice
amongst their fellow terrorists when they are released back to their
homelands,” Scottish parliamentarian, Kenny MacGrahi announced at
Holyrood today.

Looks like it’s a win win situation for the world’s terrorists thanks to British law and underhand oil deals in dodgy Middle Eastern countries.

Youths Attack Ugly Dog Prize Winner

by Muammar Salmon
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0
Youths Attack Ugly Dog Prize Winner

Amy, who was named Britain’s Ugliest Dog by a national newspaper in 2005/6/7/8/9, was set on by a gang of teenagers after she went missing from her home in Hadley Wood, North London.

The twenty-five-year-old pure bred Jewish singer was rescued by a passer-by who saved her from the teenagers who were trying to wash her face with a flannel in a nearby park.

“They even pulled out her only clump of real hair,” said manager Dean Cohen, 46. “It was the only real hair she had.”

He said: “Amy leapt out of the lounge window last Thursday. She must have seen someone outside with some coke or skank because she is a real ‘caner’ Amy is.

“We searched high and low for hours and put posters up around the neighbourhood. I was convinced she had ended up under a car.

“About five hours after she went missing I got a phone call from a lady saying, ‘I think I found your dog in the park, but don’t get too excited because I had to pry her away from five 11-15-year-olds who were giving her a good rinsing.”

Mr Cohen said he took Amy to the local A&E where she was treated for bruises and a couple of sores.

He added: “Of course I immediately contacted all the relevant newspapers before we took her in to A&E.

“People might say she is ugly but when you spend a minute with her you realise she doesn’t have much of a personality either.”

Gordon Brown Attended Bournemouth Fireworks Display

by Muammar Salmon
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0
Gordon Brown Attended Bournemouth Fireworks Display

Around 175,000 people turned up to see 110,000 fireworks set off in under 60 seconds from a barge in the sea last night.

That’s until Gordon Brown turned up to look at the fireworks with his wife and cursed the whole world record attempt.

“As soon as Gordon turned up we knew the world record attempt was doomed and everything would be jinxed. He even pointed at the barge before they lit the match to set the fireworks off. Instead of rockets shooting into the skies lasting 60 seconds, there was an almighty explosion and everything went up in a puff of smoke lasting less than six seconds. Soon enough there was a massive fire on the barge and people had to abandon ship,” Johnson Splitz, 32, from Bournemouth said.

Whispers then went around the crowds that the ailing PM had turned up to watch the ill-fated fireworks display, that’s when the jeering and booing started.

The record attempt was set up to launch the town’s second annual air festival and raise money for Help for Heroes. Because the PM turned up, the organisers were only able to raise £1.87 for the charity.

However, there was good news for England’s cricket team today when Gordon Brown was nowhere to be seen which resulted in them winning back the Ashes from the Aussies.

Libya Adopts Scottish Bagpipes for National Anthem

by Muammar Salmon
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14
Libya Adopts Scottish Bagpipes for National Anthem

In honour of the release of the Lockerbie terrorist by Scotland’s parliament, Libyans are now adopting many Scottish traditions into their culture.

From now on the Libyan national anthem will be played solely with Scottish bagpipes, Colonel Gaddafi’s chief musical director has announced.

“We love Scotland and Scottish people. Last night I cooked a haggis and instead of wearing white sheets and a towel as clothes I am noo adopting the kilt, it is much better I tell you than wearing a big fuckin’ white dress. My bairn drinks his IRN-BRU and Scottish oats every day now and every household has a picture of Gordon Brown on our wall. He’s our favourite Scottish person. Aye, we got blooterd last night on some prime Scotch whisky ‘n’ all. When it came to bedtime last night I gots me boaby out and slapped one of my eight wives in the face wit’ it. She weren’t too pleased either but she wuz just as stocious as the bairn and me,” Mohammed al bin Abdul-Muhaimin, a resident of Tripoli told the Libyan State News Service.

Tripoli is teeming with saltires everywhere and pictures of Gordon Brown adorn all the spaces next to pictures of the colonel himself.

“Gordon Brown is an honourary Libyan now. We put Mr Brown’s handsome face next to our beloved Colonel Gaddafi. We have heard your Gordon Brown was also unelected as well. Our leaders have more in common than you think didnae think?” a spokesman for the Libyan Ministry of Foreign Affairs told Reuters.

Some Scottish traditions however have not been accepted as readily as others, for example, the Glasgow Kiss which is seen as a form of greeting in some parts of Glasgow has now been banned in Libya because of the violent nature of the salutation.

“Jings! Crivens! We are a peace loving people the noo ‘n’ do not care much for violence help ma boab!” another Libyan Foreign Ministry official opined.

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