The word on the
street is that terrorist organisations are now only recruiting
terminally ill terrorists to carry out their dirty deeds.

“Once
our operators carry out their heroic deeds like blowing up passenger
planes full of Americans we know they will be treated leniently
especially if they are caught by the British authorities. We know that
they will simply be let off to come home and receive a hero’s welcome.
We must be careful not to be caught by the Americans however, because
we have heard that they do not take kindly to terrorists, but Scotland
and England no problem,” an Al Qaeda commander revealed to Al Jazeera
news service.

Thanks to the
British government’s complacent and lenient nature with regards to
terrorists worldwide, they now have a free Get Out of Jail card.

“It does not
matter how terrible the atrocities committed by the terrorists are, we
will release them on compassionate grounds so that they can revel in their notoriety and rejoice
amongst their fellow terrorists when they are released back to their
homelands,” Scottish parliamentarian, Kenny MacGrahi announced at
Holyrood today.

Looks like it’s a win win situation for the world’s terrorists thanks to British law and underhand oil deals in dodgy Middle Eastern countries.

Around 175,000 people turned up to see 110,000 fireworks set off in under 60 seconds from a barge in the sea last night.

That’s until Gordon Brown turned up to look at the fireworks with his wife and cursed the whole world record attempt.

“As soon as Gordon turned up we knew the world record attempt was doomed and everything would be jinxed. He even pointed at the barge before they lit the match to set the fireworks off. Instead of rockets shooting into the skies lasting 60 seconds, there was an almighty explosion and everything went up in a puff of smoke lasting less than six seconds. Soon enough there was a massive fire on the barge and people had to abandon ship,” Johnson Splitz, 32, from Bournemouth said.

Whispers then went around the crowds that the ailing PM had turned up to watch the ill-fated fireworks display, that’s when the jeering and booing started.

The record attempt was set up to launch the town’s second annual air festival and raise money for Help for Heroes. Because the PM turned up, the organisers were only able to raise £1.87 for the charity.

However, there was good news for England’s cricket team today when Gordon Brown was nowhere to be seen which resulted in them winning back the Ashes from the Aussies.

“Your place ermine,” Mandy whispers in the ear of the appreciative Guardian reporter, his lizard tongue flicking wildly. The Guardian reporter is looking forward to being treated to the tenderly performed obsculum obscaenum that he is so accustomed to from the usual Labour dignitaries.

“My Italian marble floor in the bathroom is exquisite and I love nothing more than to roll around on it just to savour its marvelous texture and coolness. Then I like to enjoy the hard surface as my manservant services my goods with gusto. That reminds me, I must get my prostate checked out soon,” the Lord says as he sips his champagne in his boudoir, dressed in a chic pink dressing gown fashioned from the finest silk money can buy, reports the left-wing newspaper.

After brokering a deal or two, like releasing Libyan terrorists so that lucrative oil contracts can be pilfered over brunch in his rich friend’s Corfu mansion, the Business Secretary has been lauded by the Brown administration as a crucial cog in the wheel of corrupt government so entrenched in cronyism, deceit and lies that it does not even believe its own bullshit and spin anymore.

“Mandy is an asset to the Labour party. He looks so perfect, so well coiffured. It is said that he has facials each and every day and that is why his skin is so glowing. And those loafers and perfectly pressed trousers. Immaculate, we must add. He’s definitely not like Kenneth Clark or that fat slob ‘two Jags’ Prescott,” one of Mandelson’s many sycophantic Westminster admirers told the BBC.

Certainly, the unelected Lord Mandelson has come a long way from his previous attempts at government. He has somehow acquired great wealth after his recent reinvention by clearing his £2.5 million Regents park mansion’s mortgage in one fell swoop. All of this on his measly Minister’s pay packet, a truly incredible feat. We wonder where he got the money for that from?

Mr Brown who has been enjoying his holiday in the grey damp miserable seaside town of Southmould, has been busy twittering about the merits of the NHS of late, even though he has himself received extensive treatment privately.

“The PM is fiercely against any form of private healthcare but because of his high rank in the Labour government he has seen fit to receive treatment worth thousands of pounds from Mervyn Druian of the London Cosmetic Dentristry Centre. The rest of the British people have to make do with rotting teeth because there are no NHS dentists or treatment, but for our unelected leader there are obvious exceptions to the rule,” one of Number 10’s spokesman told Reuters.

The unelected PM has also ordered Alistair Darling to increase fuel tax from it’s already inflated levels to even higher heights.

“I have ordered Alistair Darling to increase fuel tax again because we must squeeze every drop out of the proles. So, from now on, for every pound spent at the pumps you will be paying more than 85 pence in fuel tax to the government. It is your duty as citizens of Britain to be milked even more. Please keep filling your cars further because every time you do that, you are helping MPs expense accounts,” the unelected prime minister added.

Since Labour came into power in 1997 the government’s fuel tax increases have escalated by more than 170%.

“If it happened anywhere else in the world there would be riots in the streets. Because it happens in the UK where the people are so pliant and cowardly, nothing happens. They are daily bent over and fucked by the Labour government and bankers and they just take it all without question. We’re so glad we don’t live in the UK anymore,” a British expat in America told the BBC.

Meanwhile, crude oil prices are set to rise up to $165 per barrel which will mean that with the added fuel tax hikes from the government, the general population is set to be paying over £1.40 a litre for their petrol by Christmas.

Looks like the unelected prime minister is certainly up for giving everyone an early Christmas present or two.

A new partnership has been formed of late, the facade of playful difference has melted away once and for all, and out of the dust that is settling after the make-believe skirmishes; a true new age of change has finally arrived.

“It has always been a big show. What we deem as democracy is exactly that, a big show to sate the appetites of the masses. There is only one party that rules but we have to make believe that the people have a say otherwise there would be revolution and rioting in the streets all the time. I’m sure if one was to read a little Plato one would understand the mechanics of technique,” Shadow Chancellor George Osborne told the Financial Times.

The announcement of the merging of the Tory and Labour party did not come as much of a shock to many.

“It has been a long time coming. The Tories are actually more Socialist than Labour is at the moment. Sometimes I feel it is a competition between the two on who can have the most left wing policies,” said a Westminster political pundit on Tuesday.

Now all we need is another non-election where more unelected people can rule over us and dictate everything we do in minute detail every f*cking second of the day through loudspeakers placed everywhere.