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EU Asks Germany to Bail Out Duchess of York

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EU economists are now urging Germany to bail out Britain’s Duchess of York, who is in deep trouble at the moment after spending lots of money she doesn’t have on very expensive things and living in luxury – much like the Greek government.

“I got a call from Herman today and he wants us to give Fergie a few million pounds so that she can carry on with her spending sprees. I said, sure, why not. We Germans are very gullible and we like to be taken for a ride. Besides, the Windsors are all bloody German anyway. Of course you have heard of the Saxe-Coburg-Gothas? Fergie is not really part of that clan, but she married into it at one point,” Chancellor Merkel told Germany’s Scheisse News Network.

After hearing the wonderful news, the Duchess immediately caught a first class flight to the South of France to continue spending money like water.

Duchess of York Sells Daughter to Saudi Sheikh

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There was no toe-sucking involved, no hushed brown envelopes being passed around, this was all quite above board and perfectly legal — in Saudi Arabia.

Speaking from the Hyatt in Jeddah, the Duchess of York announced the sale of her daughter to the world’s press: “I have managed to secure my future for another three or four months. I sold the good looking
one,
princess Eugenie, to the Saudi prince for a good price. He did try to haggle with me at first but I had none of that. I had previously tried to sell off my other daughter, the ugly bug-eyed horse-toothed one, but he only had eyes for Eugenie. She’s quite the looker.”

“How much for your daughter?”

There was some speculation on the price of the transaction, but the Duchess was tight-lipped about the exact sum.

The Saudi prince who bought princess Eugenie has vowed to treat her better than his other concubines and will even allow her out of her cage twice a day.

Prince Abdul bin Abdullah Mohammed Sheikh is said to be worth over $2 billion and was keen to get new Western slaves for his harem.

“He was bored with the Russian and Eastern European girls, he wants more Anglo girls. Before any sale he has to test the teeth, and it is safe to say the Windsor teeth of princess Eugenie pleased him very much. She is a real thoroughbred. Also re-sale value does not go down too much after use so he is very pleased with his new acquisition,” the prince’s attache told reporters.

Banker Screams Like Little Girl After Being Spooked

“He was spooked by a little kitten that had sneaked into the building and he sold off 23 million client shares after pressing the sell button. This in turn made all the other scared bankers sell everything as well. By that time London was selling too, and then Japan got in the act. The jitters are really bad I tell you,” Dave Harwick, senior analyst at Yellow Stain Securities told the Financial Times.

Last week another banker was suddenly frightened when a cleaner accidentally touched his keyboard with a feather duster. The banker in his fit of fright jumped up screaming like a little girl and sold all his shares to make a huge loss for the bank.

All over the banking sector many frightened bankers are now so scared that they need adult nappies when at work.

“We’ve got a real problem here. I’ve seen French soldiers in WW2 with more courage than these bankers. We’ve had to introduce adult nappies into our trading rooms otherwise there would be an unholy stink mess all over the floors. God help us what a bunch of f*cking p*ssies,” Jane Cojones, a secretary at a London investment bank revealed on Friday.

One Trillion Euros Now Worth About Thirty Bucks

“I just went to buy some groceries, a loaf of bread, a bag of tomatoes and some toilet roll. 85 trillion euros they charged me! I’m bloomin’ livid I am. It’s those bloody krauts and their stinkin’ riches,” Stavros Lazyitis told Greek national radio.

It is not just in Greece however where the euro cash problem is having a detrimental effect. All over the eurozone the carnage is evident as many are reduced to paying for even the tiniest of goods in trillion euro denominations.

“I bought my three year old daughter a lollipop this morning. It was 2.5 trillion euros, so I only had a 20 trillion note on me, well you can guess what happened next. The shopkeeper had to go to the back of the shop and get a shopping trolly load of money to give me the f*cking change. It’s those bloody Greeks what done it and we’re in this bloody mess. Innit?” Helga Gothenberg, from Hamburg told Germany’s Deutsche satellite network channel.

South African World Cup Mugging Season Set to Begin

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“We’re gearing up for our own kind of world cup. The only balls that will be involved however will be the rich football supporters who we will kick very hard between their legs so we can extract their wallet,” Jimbo Mobutu, a Soweto resident who is getting ready for some serious mugging action this summer.

With the influx of rich football fans, armed carjackers are set to have a field day on the unsuspecting football tourists.

“It’s going to be like Christmas all over again. As soon as they come off the planes we will be onto them like a bluebottle fly gets onto a steaming dog turd,” Mr Mobutu added.

Germany Bans Naked Shorts

Germany said naked short sales, swimming trunks, and string vests on Germany’s streets will be prohibited from now through March 31, 2011.

“You will not wear naked shorts anymore, only trousers or ledehosen will be permitted. If you are on a nudist beach then you will be required to wear absolutely nothing, not even swimming trunks,” finance minister, Klaus von Horst told German state television news networks.

Naked shorts are seen as a major threat to Germans, especially when the people wearing the shorts have knobbly knees or their legs are too pale. Analysts were however sceptical that the move would be successful in taming the naked short wearing public.

“We know that there will be people wearing naked shorts, maybe in their homes or in secret locations. This is why we have established a new police force to go out there and find these people who are flouting the law by wearing shorts – especially anyone who wears those offensive Speedo swimming trunks,” Minister for Justice, Gerta Schlampe said on Wednesday.

Germany Needs to Give Daily Squib Money Too

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“If they can bail out whole countries which have gone on massive spending sprees, why not the Daily Squib? In fact we don’t have two pennies to rub together in this bloomin’ office. C’mon Germany lend us a few quid. We promise we won’t mention the war,” sub sub editor-in-chief, of the Squib, Alan Scheisse told Bild news today.

Already, Chancellor Angela Merkel spoke to the Squib’s finance office pledging a few billion euros but with some of the writers lifestyles this may not be enough.

“We’re f*cking lazy. We might get in to work at about 4pm, play some snooker, watch a bit of telly, have a butchers on the Wii for a bit, then some of us might think about writing something down on a used napkin or we might just go home. I think we’ll just ask Germany to get their cheque book out and give us a big dollop of wonga, it beats f*cking working for a living,” one of our staff writers, Billy Cicero revealed.

The German leader on Monday addressed the German nation about the sense of urgency in giving the Daily Squib billions of euros: “My fellow Germans, we need to give the Daily Squib newspaper staff billions of euros in cash. I want you all to work until you are 120 years old and will make Sunday another weekday plus we might have to increase taxes again huh. Hope you all don’t mind?”

Con-Dem Partnership Condemns UK to Tax Hell

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After Labour’s scorched earth policy created cash black holes are finally being discovered by the Con-Dem partnership, they’re all in for a serious bombshell, and so are ordinary taxpayers.

Britain faces many years of extreme hardship and tax torture wherein the good people of Britain will be taken to the brink of destruction.

The new coalition government will not change a thing that Labour brought in over thirteen years of ruination. They will instead carry on with the Labour created Big Brother databases and network. They will carry on with the Labour created wars in the Middle East. They will also increase taxes to inconceivable levels as well as destroy any hope of economic recovery.

“The Con-Dem partnership does not plan on bringing back any form of freedom to the citizens of the UK after thirteen years of Labour hell. In fact, they will use the Labour government created Big Brother networks and will capitalise on the system to punish citizens further. Nothing has changed, and nothing will change. Economically it will get a lot worse for us because the nation now has to deal with Labour’s legacy of debts and dirty tricks they committed to sabotage the nation’s economy before they left office and escaped back to Scotland,” a Westminster insider told the Squib.

Comrade Cameron, is not a conservative in any sense. He may be masquerading as one who espouses ‘democracy’ however like all systems created by elite aristocrats: communism, fascism, socialism and democracy are all part of the same technique. They ultimately control; some may give the illusion of freedom, others are more totalitarian, however, they are all part of the same machinery, and are all rooted in the primary world religion — communism.

Whether the Con-Dems are in power, or the Conservatives, or Labour, or the Monkey Doodle party, there is no escape from the governmental system that holds everything in place. There is no escape from the Whitehall controllers, or the  EU technocrats who stay in place irrespective of who is in so-called power. Remember comrades, if you can see and hear an official dictating their laws to you on television or the radio, you know they are not in charge, they never have been and never will be.

New Irish Robin Hood Gladiator Movie Takes Box Office by Storm

“This time we’re taking money from the poor cinema audiences and giving it to the rich studio execs, a rich fat Aussie meathead and an even richer English director. Robin Hood has a noticeable paunch and speaks in the most ridiculous fake Irish accent you will ever hear. After watching this turkey, you’ll think that Kevin Costner is a genius on a par with Leonardo Da Vinci,” Arthur Finklestein, a Hollywood movie critic told Variety.

Cinema-goers were treated to the sight of the fat old Australian Robin Hood prancing around the forest shouting out “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the McDonalds, General of the Burger King, loyal servant to the true KFC bucket, Colonel Sanders. Father to a murdered bun, husband to a murdered chicken leg. And I will have my vengeance, in this Drive-In or the next,” in a very strange faux Irish accent.

Some of the audiences were rather annoyed and confused when exiting the cinemas yesterday.

“I want my f*cking money back. Robin Hood robbed me. Where’s the f*cking manager I want my money back right now,” one of the mugged cinema-goers said after watching the film.

David Miliband Grows Moustache

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“David Millipede, ahem, I mean Miliband, has grown a furry caterpillar above his top lip. He says it’s the first one he has managed to grow and it took many months of careful pruning. I definitely think he is now a major contender for the Labour top job,” Reginald Ginster, the Labour party’s official press officer told the Mirror.

The upcoming Labour contest to find the party’s new leader is set to be a stonking affair.

“Balls is in the running as is the other Miliband brother, but we’ve also heard that Gordon Brown wants to jump back into the fray again and get his old job back,” Mr Ginster added.

Here’s to more fun times with the Labour party.

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