Britons enjoy paying some of the highest tax rates in the world a leading Think Tank has revealed.

British people love taxation according to the research, and next year they will have to work for more than five months before they start to make a single penny for themselves within the whole year.

“It’s all part of the joy of living and working in the UK. I am so happy that I have to work for five months in the year so that the taxman can give it away to the feckless idle scroungers and chavs who choose to live the life of Riley on benefits and bogus disability payments. I bust my arse day in day out at work so that they can enjoy themselves, play their ps3’s, have lots of benefit babies, drink booze and take loads of drugs. They get all their NHS medicine for free, free gym vouchers, free accommodation, free repairs to their buildings, and free transport,” Tony Munter, a painter and decorator from Middlesborough told the Sun.

By encouraging the poor sub-class Neets and work-shy to breed with massive increases in benefits, the Coalition government is changing the nation’s demographics, because they are punishing the previously affluent, educated classes.

“The people who are breeding en masse are the sub-culture, benefits cheats, criminals and work-shy. But who can blame them? Would you want to work under these taxing conditions? Their numbers are growing daily because we are encouraging them to breed by increasing their benefits. Of course, those Britons who are educated, from good families and hard working are discouraged from breeding, and are in fact punished financially for doing so. They too will join the unemployable on the scrap heaps of mass unemployment, a permanent dustbin of inequity, where the good jobs are taken only by the ones in control of the picking. We are of course doing this so that the population of Britain is thus ‘dumbed down’ to levels of indecency and social regression never before seen,” a Whitehall population controller told the BBC.

The British are famous for their ‘stiff upper lip’ and the mass taxation of their pay is proof that they really do have a stiff upper lip and maybe a stiff lower lip as well.

“We love getting taxed. It’s like a form of punishment for us, because as you all know, we love to be punished in the UK. If they tried to increase tax like this anywhere else in the world, there would be riots and mass upheaval. Over here, they just take a sip of tea, bend over the table and wait with anticipation for the next rogering session from the taxman. It’s like a British tradition, being taxed is like being fucked,” Esther Grantham, a housewife from Leeds added.

It’s not only direct taxation which is so fervently enjoyed by the British, Brits also seem to enjoy indirect taxation as well.

Fuel taxation is so high in the UK that it makes up 89% of the price, and the cost of groceries has increased by over 150% in a single year. Americans moan about paying $5 per gallon, well how about paying $25 in the UK? There would be some serious gun play then. Education tax is estimated at £9,000 per annum for new university students which will most definitely leave many thousands without any form of higher education in the future.

The increase in VAT to 20%, and major increases in business taxes will thwart any form of business in the UK and should reduce the UK’s GDP by over 23%, when many businesses leave the UK permanently.

“You need to take out a second mortgage to buy a loaf of bread, but forget about driving your car to the store to get it,” another happy Brit said today from his freezing, bleak flat in Brixton.

The Coalition’s ‘Happiness Index’ has never been so high. Gordon brown must be laughing into his smelly haggis at the very thought.

The ice cream industry has been astounded at new figures showing rocketing sales of ice cream across the whole of the UK.

“We’ve never seen anything like it. People are going out of their way to buy and eat copious amounts of ice cream. There are people literally freezing to death in the streets and in their icey homes but they’re still eating ice cream by the bucketload. Hey, we’re not complaining,” chief executive of Balls Ice cream company told the BBC.

The phenomenon has already claimed over twelve lives in the last week with people suffering from severe hypothermia, still eating ice cream and freezing to death.

“I can’t help it, even though it’s minus 22 degrees in my f*cking living room, I have to eat ice cream. I just have this irrisistable urge to have a vanilla chocolate chip praline surprise doused with chopped nuts and strawberry syrup,” Kate Horner, 23, a self-employed caterer from Nantwich, Cheshire, told the BBC shortly before freezing to death last Saturday.

Fulfilling a campaign promise, Obama said the law will strengthen national security and uphold the ideals that the country’s sailing men and women risk their lives to defend.
 
“No longer will our country be denied the service of thousands of patriotic Americans who are forced to leave the Navy – regardless of their skills, no matter their bravery or their zeal, no matter their years of exemplary performance – because they happen to be straight,” Obama said.

In the Navy

The new law ended the 170-year-old ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, which forced straight Navy members to hide their sexual orientation or face dismissal.

“It was real hard because if you didn’t join in with the gay orgies on deck or aft, they would immediately know you were not a real sailor boy,” John Rimmer, an ex-Navy recruit told Fox News.

While officials did not announce any timetable for the revamp, the process will probably take months as the Navy has to formulate new service guidelines.

The guidelines will also cover a host of questions, from how to educate sailors on how to treat straight members of the team, and how the Navy’s tradition of steaming gay saunas and submarine orgies would have to be toned down.