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Al Gore Satanic Heavy Metal Fetish Cited in Tipper Gore Divorce

Ex Vice President, Al Gore has been living a secret life as a heavy metal fanatic who allegedly performs gory sacrificial rituals in a secret room in the family mansion.

When he’s not jetting around the world spewing nonsense about global warming, Al Gore hangs out in his home dungeon listening to sordid heavy metal music and skinning live bats, his wife has claimed.

According to papers filed at the supreme court, Al Gore, repeatedly listened to ‘hellish’ bands like WASP, Slayer and Barry Manilow in his room. He played loud guitars at all times of the night and day was said to be possessed by “demonic spirits”.

Tipper Gore is a prominent member of the PMRC, whose sole claim to fame in the 80s was to place fear into the ignorant, generally stupid American parents blaming controversial music figures for disruption, aggression and violence.

“She would come home from PMRC rallies and find Al in a corner chewing on a bone wearing outrageous spandex trousers listening to Twisted Sister at very loud volume. This was just last week as well. How would she be able to face the PMRC board after seeing that? Mr Gore would also repeatedly cause offence by singing lyrics from some of these awful bands and stick his tongue out whilst banging his head. At breakfast time, this was unacceptable behaviour and was a major cause for the marriage breakdown,” Jacob Horovitz, one of Tipper’s attorneys told CBS news.

I Will Re-awaken Enterprise by Increasing Taxation Says David Cameron

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Mr Cameron said that his Government’s priority is to transform the
economy from a “limping wounded post-Labour casualty to a dead carcass over-taxed piece of squashed roadkill”.

Starting with action to tackle the £156 billion deficit. He
will signal an increase in all tax and red tape, and the creation of a
simpler tax system of complete taxation.

“Instead of working for 230 days in a year before you make money for yourself, as was the case under Labour, you can now work for 300 days in a year before you make any money for yourself under the Con-Dem leadership and we might throw in a bonus work day for you as well. Remember that the money you make for your hard work will go to benefits scroungers so that they can enjoy their 48 inch plasma screens and daily drugged up booze playstation 3 sessions in their 4-storey Putney townhouses,” Mr Cameron told business delegates at the Holiday Inn conference centre near Heathrow airport.

Daily Squib Reader Offer: Luxury Cruises Off Coast of Israel

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You and your family could be off on a cruise of a lifetime off the coast of Israel — that is if you survive for more than a week after departure.

Imagine waking up to the wonderful sunrise on the beautiful open ocean and seeing a helicopter lowering some armed thugs with automatic weapons and grenades onto the deck.

Why not try to defend your friends and family with sticks and marbles whilst being shot in the kneecaps by crazed zionists.

Want a game of shuffleboard on deck? How about shuffling the Israeli grenades and flash bombs instead before your brutal arrest and capture.

Enjoy the ship’s luxury cabins as injured passengers are dealt with on bloodied stretchers. Don’t forget to show your face in the ship’s ballroom where you can be handcuffed and interrogated by MOSSAD agents then taken away to secret prisons on the Israel mainland. Count yourself lucky if you’re still alive.

Itinerary

Day 1 : Set sail from Cyprus. Enjoy your freedom and life while you still have it.

Day 2 : Get boarded by armed Israeli commandos. Try to fight them off with sticks and throw stones at them. Get shot.

Day 3: Enjoy a lengthy stopover in a secret prison in Israel where electrodes will be attached to your genitals on a daily basis.

* For an extra supplement of £250 pp you can enjoy a day’s guided tour of the ruins of the Gaza strip.

Nazi Stormtroopers Thwart Humanitarian Aid Ship to Jewish Ghetto

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The Warsaw ghetto which has been blockaded by the Nazis has left the Jews inside without food, shelter or hope.

“There are many women and children who are without food or water because the Nazis are stopping anything coming through to the ghetto. This is why this last ship trying to bring in aid for the starving Jews was their last chance from the evil Nazi octopus grip of death. We fear many more will perish,” a humanitarian aid worker revealed.

A spokeswoman for the flotilla, Anne Frank, said she had been told ten

people had been killed and dozens wounded, accusing Nazi troops of
indiscriminately shooting at “unarmed civilians”. But a local Fascist
radio station said that between 14 and 16 untermenschen were dead in a continuing
extermination operation.

Obama Finally Finds His Birth Certificate

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“The president was walking along the beach when he came across a piece of paper with his name on it. He took one look at it and realised that it was his long lost birth certificate. Now he can show those sceptics that he was born in America and not in Kenya as is believed by many,” Obama’s chief of security, Al Hertyu, told ABC news.

According to the White House press office, the document was lost many years ago when Obama was a little boy in Hawaii. It must have travelled in the sea for many years after finally being washed up on the US mainland shore.

This find is incredible luck because many have been doubting Obama’s mandate to be president of the United States of America.

Well, I hold my head in shame if this is true. I’m sorry I ever doubted our great president who has done so much for our country and brought in that ‘change’ he was talking so much about during his election campaign. God bless America,” Janice Liebowitz, a previously sceptical Obama detractor told the Fox News network.

US Finds Oil in Gulf of Mexico

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Speaking from the White House’s Rose Garden, the president announced the oil find to whoops and cheers from the expectant press corps.

“I just heard we struck oil folks. We got more than we ever seen. It’s just gushing out of the ocean. This could be a massive well right there and I’m very excited for the economy. America uses 40% of the world’s oil resources, so the more oil we can get to run our billions of SUV’s and trucks the better huh.”

All across America there was a collective sigh of relief after the oil find was announced.

“We had to invade Iraq to get their oil and that’s nearly all gone, so now this new oil find has really made me happy. We got shitloads of oil in our own back yard and then some. Shucks, we have been saved I tells ya,” Ed Sasquatch, a resident of Detroit told CNN.

Eurozone Countries Renamed as Numbered Sectors

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“Germany will be known as sector 1 within the eurozone, then I guess it’s France as sector 2 in order of importance. I guess we can then put Ireland as number 3, then going down the list the PIGS countries of Portugal, Italy, Greece and Spain. Below that we have the minor Eastern European countries. From now on all of these old countries will be known as sectors. Any EU citizen who refers to the sectors with their previous names will be prosecuted and sent to an EU re-education camp,” EU president in sector 2a (previously Belgium), Herman Van Rompuy told Le Figaro.

The new EU directive was announced on Thursday evening and was implemented by the Friday.

All EU countries have also been ordered to erase any references to their previous country names in all school text books, library books and any form of literature.

Britain’s CGT Mass Exodus Marathon Starts Soon

The new coalition government last week revealed their wonderful plan to increase capital gains tax to over 50% on all non-business assets which will be implemented in June.

Labour ministers have been gloating at the decrepit feeble coalition.

“We’ve got an ineffectual emasculated bunch of castrated Tories who are frankly yellow to the core. Then we’ve got the Lib-Dems who are basically like our Labour party, good-for-nothing pseudo Marxists on some kind of demented power trip to redistribute Britain’s wealth and give away billions of pounds to welfare scroungers. That’s why with the new CGT directive, everyone and their uncle are selling up and moving out. Soon all these babbling baboons will have, will be a ghost country full of benefits scroungers and tumbleweed. This bunch of morons will do more damage to the economy than we could have ever hoped,” a laughing Labour minister told the Mirror.

By punishing the people who have been prudent savers, the Con-Dem government have condemned Britain to another recession which will be worse than the first one.

“There is nothing to aspire to in Britain because if you save, if you work hard to earn money, it will be taken away from you and given to the black hole welfare state debt maelstrom of shit. We’re all fucked because of Cameron’s weakness, he’s a babbling baby with no bollocks of any kind. Sell up and leave
forever because it will only get worse
,” a Westminster insider revealed today.

Iron Woman 2: Sequel Thrills Film Fans with 3D Ironing Action

Among so many movies based on male comic book super heroes, the Iron Woman franchise is a breath of fresh steam. It combines intense ironing action, comedy and sweaty charisma in a way that pleases ironing fans and raises the bar for other summer blockbusters.

Iron Woman 2 starts almost immediately with a shot of an iron going across a shirt, you can see the steam, you can feel the temperature as the iron glides effortlessly across the shirt. The heroine of the movie is a housewife named Doris Monkwirth, who by day iron’s her husbands clothes and by night stacks them away in the wardrobe.

The cast is really quite fantastic. Sheila Acosta brings so much to Doris Monkwirth, making her someone the audience can actually sympathize with. Rupert Denny also breathes life into the typical “over-stressed husband wanting his f*cking t-shirt ironed pronto,” as Billy Batts. At one point after ordering the Iron Woman to “Iron my goddamn shirt,” she is seen taking the scorching iron and shoving it where the sun don’t shine. Watch out for his yelp of pain and eyes bulging out of his skull, both of which are sources of several laughs.

What is definitely not ignored is the ironing; there is plenty of torrid ironing action and clammy excitement and all of it is presented well. You see shots of the iron on the ironing board, then the Iron Woman sensually moving the iron across an astounding assortment of garments. There are some amazing overhead and panning camera shots of the iron.

The film’s director Gina Grosstein said: “This movie is great. I get women coming up to me who have never ironed or done any form of housework before in their lives saying they loved this movie and how it has inspired them. Some of them even said that they hoped to pick up an iron and get ironing at home. Who would have thought it possible?”

Iron Woman 2 has now overtaken Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood at the Box Office and will be out on general release in the UK after July 2015.

Gordon Brown to be Prosecuted for High Treason

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“Gordon Brown is to be arrested for high treason, corruption, war crimes, robbery, deception, counterfeiting money, fraud and treacherous sabotage. He has committed many horrid offences, some too awful and disgusting to reveal here. Under his regime of corruption and lies, Britain was taken to the brink of destruction and now the people will have to suffer for many generations because of his profligate ways. This guy recklessly spent every penny and more and what do we have to show for it? Nothing!” prosecuting attorney, Lord Reginald Tory said at the High Court.

Police forces across the UK were searching for Mr Brown yesterday after the warrant was announced. He was last seen in his Scottish constituency of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath and could have fled to the local forests in the region.

“We have mobilised hundreds of helicopters for an air search as well as thousands of officers and army personnel for the ground search. If any civilians come across this man, be warned, he is very dangerous and all it takes is for him to open his mouth to speak and you will fall into a permanent coma,” police chief for the Kirkcaldy constabulary told the BBC.

The Queen’s speech yesterday at the opening of parliament revealed the full extent of the damage committed by Gordon Brown and his evil cronies on Britain’s economy and people: “One has called for the immediate arrest of the traitor, Gordon Brown who has caused untold damage to one’s country. The one-eyed Scottish twat has caused even more damage than Diana or Fergie put together and that’s saying something. Because of that wasteful spendthrift useless shister, one now has to travel on the underground and on Ryanair to complete one’s public duties. Orf with his head I say, or how about a good slow hanging for him, then display his bloody head on a stick at the Tower.”

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